Good-Bye 2013

So comes the end of another year. I use to come to this blog often, let every feeling I had out. I was much happier then. I guess it was easier to say what I felt without consequence or fear. But then again life was much simpler. Dont you wish the problems you had the were the only problems you have now. Every year, come new years eve, I always have a renewed sense of hope. Hope that the new year brings something better. Last year was no exception. I was so hopeful that 2013 would be the year and come midjanuary I lost my mind. But I didn't lose hope...come May a very big prayer came true. So here I am again, new years eve, with that faith...that hope...that 2014 will bring something big. So, here's to you, 2013. Thank you for making me stronger, especially when I didn't think I could face the world. 2014, here's to positive thinking and hoping I make it through you even stronger and better. -sheena

It's over before it starts...

I was truly hoping that this year would be different. It would be a fresh start...boy, was I wrong. 5 years of waiting and hoping. My faith is shaken. This is my dark place...

A year in review...

Usually I do a post like this right before the year ends but for once, I had something to do =D But it's always good to put this down for me, I need to remember. I need to be reminded. 2012 was not the greatest of years for me. Definitely one of the hardest ones yet. I broke on more than one occasion. Not my finest of hours, but I'll say this...there is a point where a bitch breaks. I've gotten so much better at holding back on the emotions but dang, I got crossed. Now I'm fighting to get back to that happy place I was in. Seems so far from here but I want it back. Resolutions have been lost a long time ago...self improvement begins with baby steps. So this year, let's shoot for smaller goals, shorter term and hope that gets me on the right track for long term. We made it past the "end of the world", it's time to make the most of it. I will challenge myself, instead of the world challenging me. I plan to come out on top this time around. I am going to fight because I'm tired of being the one who has to change because someone else won't. Why must I continue wasting my time and energy when I can't change the situation? I wish I could step away sometimes but I promised my mom... Life goes on, things get complicated but I can't get down about it. This is the time that I must realize that it's okay to walk away. Here's to 2013. May you be good to me as I hope to be good to you.

Making efforts...

When you think you can't do anymore, do more. I'm trying to stretch what I can, more and more so everyday. The toll of my past lingers over me and I have to remind myself that I cannot let it take me down. Every day, some where, some one else has a worser fight than me. Every day, some where, some one else has no time, no energy, no money but yet they make it work. If they can, so can I. I use to have so much more fight in me. So competitive that it drove me to be more than I thought I was capable. I wonder where that girl went...I've learned to settle more. It's good in certain situations but not always good in general. It's funny trying to learn to let things go, in the process it's left me to be lethargic, lazy, and settling. I'm totally living through my blogs these days...trying to motivate the sporty girl in me...the fashionista in me...the crafty girl in me...the girl who wants to travel more. I'm tired of all the looks and the talk...the comparisons. Shit, I was content with how my life is, why do you have to question it? I'm tired of having to try and live up to others expectations these days...like everything I have accomplished and possess these days are just not good enough. Shit, it's more than you can say at the moment. Ugh, really, you all don't understand how stressing you guys are on me. I get pulled in different directions. AND YES, I have tried so hard to not be involved as much as I do but guess what, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Stress is not good on anyone's body, especially mine considering my condition already gives me a hard time in losing weight. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. It gets harder these days trying to find more outlets...frustrations are growing and it's hard not having the usual suspects to run to. Enough with the complaining, Sheena...just push through. Time to move on once again.

Understanding the Path that is...

...so, I find myself trying to make sense of "what is" more and more every day. Once one can understand their circumstances, only then can they overcome the obstacles. Something I have just come to terms with...Anthony has forever changed me and yes, it is for the better, for the most part. Many don't really understand Anthony and my relationship. And that's fine; you aren't me and I don't expect you to get it. Judge all you want but my life is more fulfilled than your small brain can understand. Ant has continued to be my rock from the first phone conversation we ever had...he has put more faith in me than one should really give me credit for. He has allowed me to dream bigger than I ever thought I could dream. Allowing me to realize that dreams don't have to be impossible to achieve...if they are close enough to grab, you reach out for them as far as you can. Anthony has big dreams too and as much as I would like to say I support him just the same, I don't. I am trying though. He has been so open minded with me, I am trying really hard to change myself and be better for him. It would make life so much easier and better for everyone. Time does make a difference. I wouldn't probably say any of this ten years ago. I would probably be stuck thinking that life is just always going to be unfair...that I would never be one of the lucky ones. Imagine how sad that would be if I continued to think that way...I would miss out on life. I would miss out on enjoying the life that is being given to me. I'm getting to videos that I didn't realize existed...vacations and memories of times past. Blessings...all of them and I am grateful for every one of them.

One of my guilty pleasures...

If you don't already know, I'm a disney fanatic. No, it's not borderline addiction it's just something I've always really loved. I can't really pin point when I actually fell in love with everything disney but I can tell you right now, anything disney will ALWAYS make me happy. When I was younger, I recall trips to the wonderful land just right here in Anaheim. The wonderful pictures my dad incessantly took at the time reminded me of why I wasn't so into the characters. I swear to you, MICKEY PULLED MY HAIR!!! haha but even then, my love for disney was slowly building. Every morning before school my mom would let me watch Channel 9 and look who was on...it was either disney cartoons or RESCUE RANGERS!!! My first video was the Little Mermaid. I begged and begged my dad for my 8th birthday to get it for me. We were at Costco and he finally gave in. Even now, the thought of going to disneyland, california adventure, or taking a trip to wdw gets me going. Let's be honest, it keeps me optimistic about the days to come. I absolutely adore Toy Story Mania and thrive to do better. Yes, I'm too competitive but I LOVE IT! =) I know I drove Ant crazy the first year and a half we were together. We were at Disney so much you could swear we had an annual pass. By the way, we didn't =) Yeah, that's hardcore haha Last year Ant asked me what did I want to do for our second anniversary. I was thinking of hawaii again, just a different island ooooorrr was wdw a possibility? I'm blessed that Ant doesn't crush my dreams even when I shoot him down from time to time. The trip was costly but do-able. I had not flown to the east coast since i was 8...but Virgin America made the trip quite bearable. =) Oh from the moment of arrival, it was DISNEY MAGIC ALL THE WAY. I loved the Magic Express. I loved checking into our hotel and finding that Mickey and Minnie left us a kind anniversary message. Food was non stop and I loved it all. From boat rides to downtown disney...from friendly smiles greeting us happy anniversary...can't forget the proposal at our Hoop De Doo Revue Dinner/show. I know all those who have been to wdw and those who work there swear that wdw is wayyyy better than disneyland but I still love disneyland more. It's the OG! And there is so much to do at wdw but even then, disneyland still has my heart. I'm not saying that I wouldn't love to go back to wdw but the trip really made me realize that there is so much here at home...I never really have to travel far if I wanted to enjoy myself. The goal, somewhere down the line, is to get my own annual pass. The price alone makes me freak out but still, someday, I want one. My body and mind is craving an escape. SOooooOOOoO I've been reading up my disney sites just to keep the dream alive. Sheena, there is always a place to escape, even if it is for a moment. =) Carsland opened today and so did buena vista street...california adventure is sooooo the Hollywood studios equivalent. BUUuuuUT, WE HAVE CARS LAND!!! I can't wait...I have something to look forward to. Work has been tiring as hell. Physically, I'm spent. With that, mentally I got worn down. Couponing to Disney, oh, you make me dream of being able to save like that. I have to work on my discipline. It's been so lacking lol

And the ADHD continues...

It's funny how easily distracted I can get. The more and more I come to accept who I am, the more and more I realize I am definitely my father's daughter. Lolo was put to rest this Monday...his wake was on Sunday. I didn't think I was going to be at the wake all day, like I originally planned but I thought since I had the remembrance cards, I better get there at the beginning, take a break somewhere in the day, and then come for the last couple of hours. Yeah, well, that didn't happen. Ant and I did church in the morning like we normally do and took off to the mortuary only to realize that when we got there, we didn't know that we were not in the same room as my Lola's wake. It was actually a whole ton of vietnamese peoples...so where were we? After finding out we were upstairs, i come to find out that I didn't need to buy water because my uncle did already and that didn't need ice or my containers...::shrug:: color me not surprised for having so many miscoms in this process. I can't be too upset, it's not the first time this year that lack of planning and communication has been an issue. OH well...but get this, aside from one of my uncles and aunts, and a friend of my uncle aunt there was no one else there. ::grimace:: yeah, what the hell??? Out of obligation, ant and I just hung out. I don't know...with my Lolo's death, I didn't think I was going to get so emotional but I did. When I had gotten the news on Tuesday...I lost it. Then when I saw him in his bed at the hospital, I lost it again. Well, it wasn't going to be the last time I lost it over him... I feel horrible about having shared space at the mortuary on Sunday. We were our typical selves: loud? We're not loud...haha yeah well, I'm always guilty of this. Okay, for those who think I do not know how loud I am...I KNOW. Trust me, I know but I cannot be held accountable for my volume when I get excited. I am a Sanchez, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. I have tried to suppress the Sanchez in me but I'm sorry, the blood runs deep...maybe that's why there are so many of us in the world: Spanish or Filipino and YES, there is a difference. What have I learned over this past weekend? Our parents and elderly family are loud. There are no such things as whispering or calming one self down...it's all out or go away. Two, in my generation the loud girls are and will always be, my older girl cousins, and Jenn, and myself. As for the boys, it shall always be Hero =) Three, say what you will about my family but we go all out for one another whether we intend to or not. And regardless of what one person feels, do not overlook the situation at hand. We all handle death in our own way. I don't care how close you are to the person, don't assume that a person isn't hurt/sad/depressed over them. Lolo died on Tuesday afternoon...Sunday we had the wake, and by Monday we were saying our final farewells. And if that didn't make things crazier, another death in the family occurred on Wednesday morning. Some of us broke...some of us jumped into action...some were just forced to do what they could do. I lay somewhere in between. Over the years I got numb over death. I lost my mom my first quarter in College, first time away from home. I lost my Lola right before graduation...then I lose Ant's mom...and then some more losses in the family...I've always been the type to throw my emotions out there, trying not to bottle them in but I came to a point where I didn't know how to feel about it. I hear death, I go numb. Lifeless and empty. Funny though, I'll cry over a commercial but a family member dies and I can't feel. Lolo's burial topped me off. There were soldiers at the burial and as soon as that trumpet sounded and I had just the smallest glimpse of my family members' faces...I broke. I broke hard...and inconsiderate me didn't think to bring my purse with me when I got out of the car because I didn't think I was going to cry. The culmination of loss, I think, it finally all amounted again. I sobbed into my faded pashmina and stared at the coffin in front of me. I don't think I can take another death, not any time soon. God, that's a plea if you didn't get the hint. I know, I know...I can't and shouldn't say that as you have a plan for all of us but really, I'm super fragile right now. Spring is suppose to be the bringing of new life...instead, I saw it extinguish so much. Summer is quickly approaching and all I can think about is a mental break. haha, no no no, I'm not saying I'm going to lose my mind...I'm just saying that I am glad that there will not be a regular academic schedule going on around here. I need the three month break or at least the three months of summer to prepare for 9 months of craziness. This June I'm sayin good bye to my workstudy. She's off graduating...and the other one, well, I just found out will not be returning in the fall. Yes, that gets to me a little because somewhere inside I'm preparing myself physically and mentally to do more than I think I have to. We're moving not only offices in the next week but buildings! I still have to have that loving talk with the CAO of my dept. I'm worried about hearing that I don't deserve a title change or a promotion. If that's the case, I think I'll be leaving...I know it looks like I'm not doing anything but in actuality, I'm probably doing 5 things at once. It's hard to see the whole picture when you only see a scene. I'm trying to form the words...release the insanity in my mind. I go from one thing to the next just so I never really have to think about anything but it's catching up to me. I've only lost five lbs...by now, that should've been more. Work wise, I could've been moving up else where but instead I'm staying stagnant here. Ant's stuck in his own career rut...I'm praying that God gives us clarity. I've always been "NOW NOW NOW". As I was kindly reminded at the wake on Sunday, "we're getting old...we want to see kids". Dreams of a home...dreams of a family...dreams of consistent happiness. I'm trying...