It's 12:12am...wow, I was sad this morning...thinking about my mom. Still can't believe she's gone. Still seems like yesterday I was at her side holding her cold hand wishing over and over again that this was a horrible nightmare. I think I'm still waiting to wake up. I'm not over it...I will never be but at least I'm able to move on in my life. I still miss u, Mom! More than I let show, that is for sure. If only u knew what is going in my life.

Today was somewhat of a nice day, disregarding the anniversary of course. I dressed up nice today cuz u know me when I'm in that odd mood...But i got so many nice comments today. My eye swelled up again for no good reason which still bugs me. I bought mommy some flowers today, pink and purple/burgundyish snapdragons and a single rose for aiza and rosey cuz they both had midterms today. I know how that's a stressing deal...it's nice to know that someone cares about u. I hope that Aiza and Rose know that I got there back...sometimes I can be a horrible lil bitch but yea, that's just who I am. I regret it a lot but dang, when I get into one of those moods-WATCH OUT! LoL LOVE U GUYS! I gave Poorva, Moniqua, and Gabe a snapdragon today too. Gabe did something sweet today...he gave me my bday gift early. I think it was a couple days ago that we were talking and I mentioned to him about my dad and I going to the football game on Saturday but I had not figured out what to wear since I don't have many UCLA T-shirts and what not. I have a couple sweatshirts and my letterman jacket. I mainly buy the ucla clothes for my dad cuz I know how proud he is of me...anyways, I won't digress. I went to the bathroom after dinner. i was walking out the door when rose stopped me and asked, "where are u going?" I said, "to the bathroom, y? Wanna come with?" She replied, "no, no...go!" So I left. I came back there was a package on my bed...a long cylindrical tube with a note on it that read, "Happy Berfday Sheena, Love, Gabe" He always does that...does something sweet that it makes me regret what I did to him before. But yea, I opened it...there in front of me was a blue ucla baby tee...he remembered. Like he always does, he remembered. I wanted to cry...cry cuz it was a sweet gesture and cry cuz sometimes I still miss him. Rose told me that he asked about me...why i was acting the way I was...and the truth is, i don't know. haha I seriously don't know. I guess I'm just trying to be more out there this year but yet be able to be focused which the balance is not intact yet but I'm getting there.

I love this floor! So many new people and differences galore. I saw Alina and started telling her the story of my mom. Ryan came and listened in...I felt bad that they were getting depressed but hey, Alina asked. But it was nice hearing stories from Ryan...haha yes, thanks for dissing me twice, RYAN!!! LoL, j/p...naw, u tried to make it up which was cool. i'm glad u liked the flower...I was gonna get u a sunflower but that's Aiza's flower and plus, all the ones at the stores were Ugly. Thanks for agreeing to go with me again. I didn't mean to say no and act like I didn't think it would be a good idea for u to go with me the first time when Mon and rose brought it up. It was just cuz it wasn't me asking...it was them. But yea, I think it'd be a cool nite. I'm gonna feel a lil awkward cuz I probably will know like a lil bit of people there and plus, dancing in formal wear is not my thing. Heels and dancing...DANGER! haha j/p

I'm sorta in a good mood right now. ::sigh:: yea, that's it. I think I can go to bed w/a clear mind n a clear view of things.

Song of the moment: "waiting" Sugar Ray...yes, I am on a sugar ray high lately

Mood: Mellow and spacey

Quote of the moment: I miss the way u hold me, like in the picture of u making me laugh. I try to go out with some other guys but that only puts me back where I started. Cuz deep down inside u know I'm dying inside knowing full well where my heart is...where my heart is... (know where that's from?)

11:23pm-today was one of those days that just make u wonder, "why me?" My film paper was due today...hopefully I did well on it. I may not have put my whole heart into it but it was an effort nonetheless. We watched a movie today in Film class (which isn't out of the ordinary) but we had a double feature. I liked the Mae West film. It's cool finally seeing one of her films after reading so many love/romantic quotes from her. Wow, never saw a movie so filled with double entendres. **::wink wink::** Reminds me of myself at times. LoL...well, anyways, at around 7 or 8 I decide to dye my hair...I bleached it, washed it, dried it, dyed it with Feria's "ruby red fusion" and at around 9:30pm I decided to wash it out...I strip my clothes off and jump in the shower for a quick rinsing when I hear a low hum. I thought to myself, "no, it can't possibly be a fire drill...it never happens when I'm in the shower." I hear the door to the bathroom open and I hear the Fire alarm even louder than before...thought to myself, "dammit! Not now!!!" I jumped out the shower, threw on my clothes, ran to my room, grabbed a jacket, ran out the room, ran back to the room, got my id and key, and ran out...all the while still being damp on the body and wet hair...Pissed off cuz my hair was a mix of water and dye and my scalp was getting itchy!!!! STUPID DRILLS!!! Y the hell would u have a fire drill at 9 nearly 10 at nite during midterm week??? Whatever, I got ticked but I guess it paid off. Everyone noticed my hair and love the color. I guess it will do for now. LoL. What else is going on? Oh, yea, NOTHING!!! Well, actually, last night I put on Sugar Ray's "Answer the phone" song on rosey's mp3 player...it got me thinking...it got me sad...it made me feel weird inside. I could have sworn that for a couple seconds I couldn't breathe and that I was falling weak. That song hit a chord in me that I just couldn't seem to understand at the time. I guess I was having flashbacks to the Sugar Ray concert Rose and I watched at the fair in September. It's no lie, I think Mark Mcgrath is totally HOTTTTTT!!! But there was something else about him that hit me that night...he was real. I finally found out what "answer the phone" means to Mark and why he wrote it. He wrote it for a girl he had a "thing" with in high school and that he decided to call one night while intoxicated. He called her parents at like 3 in the morning and got the number. Called her phone in new york and got her husband...For some reason that got to me...like it was a mutual feeling. I guess I've had that one too many times in my life where things go wrong and I lose-him and everything else in my life. It's sad, you realize after a while that you can get over someone but doesn't mean you don't forget them. There's that lil difference...**sigh** For the past two mornings while walking in south campus (off to work like usual) I looked around at all these people-Science/math majors-and realized, I don't belong with them. Chemistry is not my thing...Physics can move out my way...math I love and can tolerate with for now...but as a whole, I don't think I can go on being this "physiological science" major. I would much rather be in english...or journalism...or communications. To be stuck in an occupation that I figure is not for me anyways...it just wouldn't be right. Plus, I don't think my GPA would be all that good for a good career in the future. I might as well do something I love like writing rather than figure it out when it's too late. College is where u figure out who u are...it's weird, I thought I already did find myself....I was wrong. There's so much more and I just can't wait to find them out.

AIDSWALK---> SO MUCH FUN!!! I ate like two odwalla bars and a mini balance bar...mmmm!!! That was funny with them girls from Trashygirls.com. How did they ever do that 6.2 walk in stilettos? I don't even know where my trashygirl.com condom went...me sad now! LoL J/P. My feet are sore but other than that...I loved the walk! My paper is not progressing very well: I have the info but not the knowledge to put it all together. I talked to Eddie last nite-->YES, THE CUTEST BOY @ BERKELEY!!! Gosh, it's the lil things like a phone call or an im that just make a person's day all the better. I still find it weird how I have only met him once but yet have a connection with him and be able to be open with him about anything and everything. That's what I find cool about Berkeley people, Ur just so gosh darn lovable!!! Hahaha...anywho, My next three days are jam packed. I start communion classes on tuesday. Yes, Sheena Sanchez is actually doing her religious classes. Rose is gonna do it to. Yea the two most unlikeliest of people doing their communion. Yea, I'll no longer be out of the loop. I asked Ryan to the dance officially today...and yes, he did accept the invitation. I am not having much expectations of this cuz I don't wanna get my hopes up. But I do believe we will have fun...come on, it's RYAN-->my #1 INVID PATROL MAN!!! haha I doubt he'd ever read this. I miss home...well, some things. I think it's good that I balance my time here at school and at home. Better for me so I don't drive myself insane and have some emotional breakdown again. I think I am gonna try and stick to the "no guys" this year concept. As much as I still care about Mike, it's not worth me getting hurt and having these high expectations again. It just will never work out. New guys-->eh, i doubt that...no guy likes me here. Let's face it, I'm not pretty or smart as the others...no chance in hell for Sheena. I guess I gotta make do with what I got, right? For now, I must say I'm content knowing that it can't possibly be all that bad. Opening my eyes for once and closing my heart so I don't let it influence me completely.

Song of the moment: "answer the phone" ??? sugar ray ::sigh:: dreamy eyes MMMM!!!

mood: content

Amazing how I even find time to do anything anymore when I have soooo much going on in my life. I ignore the important and deal with the insignificant. Sad to say, I probably will never change. Today was a pure epiphany: if I don't change myself, who will? Mike called me today, as if it was any real surprise. Somewhere among these past couple months my love for him has faded...about damn time too! How badly he has always bruised and wilted my poor lil heart. I'm not saying he's entirely to blame but it sure aint' all my fault. That's for sure! I am holding on to a ghost of a guy who doesn't even exist and it has become apparent that his feelings for me never existed either. If this is God's way of telling me it wasn't meant to be, I'm hearing you loud and clear for once in my life. I was holding on cuz I wanted it to work out so very much. How naive and credulous I have been to think that I could be the one for him and thinking the same about me. I should have known he wasn't trustworthy cuz of that incident in the beginning of the summer...that one night at the beach...the night his gf calls while he's out with another girl...acting as if he had no gf...then after his gf calls, acting as if I didn't exist. It's no wonder I get down about relationships half the time, I put myself out there knowing the guy that i am with isn't going to do the same. I am moving on with my life cuz it's moving along without me. It's not fair that I've been living in the past for so long that I couldn't even see my future. Now he wants to hold on to something that I think has been way over due. My birthday is in a week...I'm not gonna be able to celebrate it. <> It's been a while since I haven't made a big deal for my bday...usually I set something up so I feel a lil special. But that's suitable enough, I don't deserve to celebrate the day I was born cuz it seems I am not worthy of a person. I don't know. I'm just so mixed up inside, trying to figure out things when I know it's not really up to me to decide that. I read Eddie's blogger today and something he wrote made me realize something: I try too hard sometimes. Why can't I just let things flow? Who am I kidding...when I want something, I let it ride in my mind for practically forever until it drives me insane. Bottling up that emotion doesn't help me none but I do it anyways. Anyways, I have AIDSWALK tmw morning...6.2 MILES!!!! Then I gotta finish my film paper which has now become very interesting. I still have not accomplished my feat of asking a certain someone to PUSO's medical gala. **sigh** i'll do it soon.

Song of the moment: "A moment like this" Kelly Clarkson

Quote of the moment: "The past cannot be changed,
the future is still in your power."

- Hugh White -

Mood: Desiring