Saturday, May 03, 2003

I don't wanna think lately. The more I try, the more it seems I get sucked into it. I've been thinking a lot lately about "what if..."
I am wondering lately if he is thinking about me the way I am thinking about him. As crazy as it sounds, he's been in my thoughts a lot lately. I wish he wasn't cuz these feelings shouldn't be here anymore, u know? I guess that's the way things go..."absence makes the heart grow fonder and presence makes it fonder still." Aiyah! It totally messes me up! I don't understand what it is that makes me feel this way...he's just another guy. *sigh* I ain't saying I'm in love or any crazy out of this world kind of thing but it's more than a crush, less than infatuation, and definitely not obsession. What is it? I know u know what I mean...it's that indescribable feeling but u feel it. I know I feel it...I feel it everywhere w/in me. If u knew it was u that always ran through my thoughts...perhaps u can feel it when I'm around and perhaps u have no clue. All I know, dang i'm into u.

Mood: This gloomy day is making me sleepy!

Friday, May 02, 2003

love makes u act in some fucked up ways. U never can think straight and when u think ur fine, ur no where near it. The sanity level love leaves u under is tremendously unforgettable. I think I've been lost in the desire of love lately...I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Crazy crazy crazy...aww!! haha Is there any body out there for me? *sigh*

If only u would look at me the same way I look at u?
Wish I could see ur face...u exist only in my mind
Ur just another image...I wish I knew u
Love in all it's splendor and the glory of it's emotion
Oh how I wish I had u...

Aww, the feeling I get whenever I watch my fave movie: Love and Basketball. I love it!!! The right balance of love and basketball..dang, it's like the life I wish I had. Or the life I could have led. It makes me think...


Quincy: "Girls can't play no ball!"
Monica: "I can ball better than you!"
1st quarter, when monica first moves in


Quincy: "you wanna be my girl?"
Monica: "what do i gotta do?"
Quincy: "well we can play basketball and ride to school together, when u get mad i gotta buy you flowers.
Monica: "but i dont like flowers
Quincy: "oh"
Monica: "how bout twinkies, my mom will never buy em"
Quincy: "ok, i think we oughta kiss now
Monica: "for how long?"
Quincy: "5 seconds"
1st quarter, the day after the apology

"Out of all these girls, you're the only one that I know is for real."
3rd quarter, Quincy to Monica in college


Quincy: "Let's play some one on one"
Monica: "What we playing for?"
Quincy: "I score, you strip. You score, I drop something."
3rd quarter, Quincy and monica in the dorm


Monica: "I must had played in a 1000 games and I only remember you being at 2 of them."
Mom: "You always had your dad for that kind of stuff. You know if I was there or not it never really mattered."
Monica: "it mattered, mama...it mattered..."
4th quarter, discussion between monica and her mom after she finds out Quincy is engaged

Song of the moment: "Get it together" India arie

"Get it together...u have to heal ur heart...whatsoever..."

Mood: awww, just wanna lie in my bed and chill while watching my fave movie!!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Ever look at someone and wonder "what if..." The feeling of "what if it was meant to be?" The overpowering punch in the pit of your stomach as you watch that "special someone" be with SOMEONE ELSE. The endless pitter patter of one's heart within its protected cage and the momentary flash of insanity flowing through your mind but not a single thought makes sense...all you know is that you feelin' that someone. U feel it so much that u just wish it would go away...to find that peace again. Knowing that you'd feel whole if they were "with you" or if you never met them at all. Yea, that is some f*cked up shit. To watch them be happy with the wrong person...cuz they just ain't u. U find urself seeking bliss in things that u hope would be that "special someone". I guess that's just the way life is...u don't always get what u want...u don't get what u need...u get what u deserve? I don't think that's true either but yea...oh well...u roll with what life throws at u cuz if u don't, u'll be stuck in stupid situations like me. hahaha LALALA


"Just when you think you know everything there is to know about Hip hop it finds a way to surprise you and remind you why you fell in love in the first place."
Sidney's entry into her book
"You are the perfect verse to a tight beat"
Dre's toast to Sidney
"So what is the difference between rap and hip hop? It's simple: it's like the difference between saying you love someone and being in love with someone. Rap is just a word."
Sidney's entry into her book
"Big things is going down, Sid, just like you said it would and I couldn't be more unhappy because for the first time since I could remember I didn't have you to share my life with. Sidney, I have loved you from the first time I laid eyes on you and I love you still. You're my air. So I don't wanna be your friend no more...*holds up sign that asks her to go out with him*"
Dre's confession

Mood:*wink wink* lalala...I just wanna play ball...

"I know I can...be what I want to be...if I work hard at it..."


Yea, right...haha Seems like each day is fading away from me and I have no control over it. The more I pull forward the more life pulls backwards. Closer and closer to a dream but yet still so far away. I feel I've lost more than others because I feel I've lost U...and u...and u...and u. Y can I not be content with what I am given? I will not be getting more or less than what I deserve. The difficult thing for me to grasp is that the only thing standing in the way of my happiness is myself. I choose to be in this low state of mind cuz I can't fully grasp a decision that had been given to me. Key term being "had", for yes, it has already happened and I still deny its truth. I just don't wanna see what's going on around me. I see what I do wanna see and I shade my eyes from the shit I don't wanna see. Awww, I don't get anything right now. I have been finding happiness is short term bliss. Yea, stupid Sheena...the overshadowing of my life...go figure. I wish someone could assure me that everything will be alright...although by doing so leaves me to have to admit that I am not accepting everything and that my life has gone into a total state of misery like Charlotte Perkins Gilman in "The Yellow Wall-Paper": I see u, lurking woman in the wallpaper! Perhaps it is amongst all this chaos that things actually make sense to me: I have brought it all on myself. I could be happy if I could only stop looking at things from a "half empty" type of view. I am trying so hard to accept things...but failing miserably as it is so obvious to everyone. I need another "Santa Barbara" kind of weekend where I can escape the realms of reality once again and just CHILL!

Mood: I got a midterm at 5pm...yea, I wan to escape this realm of reality and enter my paradise far from home.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Um...yea... Danny got me thinking...Um, wow, haha I feel down again. DOOD, thanx!!! haha A million things running thru my mind and not a single one of them makes sense. ARGH! *sigh*...what do u do when u want something but don't know how to go about getting it?



Exactly...



Song of the moment: "You don't miss your water" Craig David

Mood: Wish I didn't feel this way

Monday, April 28, 2003

So, how is life? Alright, I suppose...haha, the best weekend ever! And a long night that followed. haha I kinda figured out some stuff this weekend. I miss my friends from back at home and I wish I could see them all more often. Life leads us on different paths...things get busy and that's how it goes. I just wish I could be there for them more...I hate to not be a part of their lives anymore when all it takes is a phone call or an email or even a short/long drive. What is a friendship worth? U don't miss things til it's gone...right?


You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Can somebody answer me the question why
You don't miss your water til the well runs dry
~Craig David


This whole weekend I ran into the couple thing again...haha yea, I admit I miss it but come on...I'm looking to find myself. I need some fun...I ain't really looking for anything serious but doesn't mean I ain't looking at all. If it works up to it...then it does...if it doesn't, then it doesn't. Baby, I just need to get out and smile. No one is really getting me to have that "smile" once again. Love...isn't something to rush...it's worth the wait. Guys gotta understand that sometimes a girl just likes to be held or hugged...no real reason, it's just one of those things. I love my guy friends cuz they give me that lil insight to the male psyche. SOmetimes I don't wanna know but other times it's good to know. My cousins up in the bay, Jen and Jess, have the best guy friends in the world. No seriously! They go out of their way to please them...and it is reciprocated. None of my guy friends would ever run family errands for me. If my dad called them to ask them if they are passing by and if so, could they buy bread and bring it over. My friends wouldn't cook breakfast and clean the dishes. My guy friends wouldn't treat me to something I've been craving for...I watched my cousins and their friends during spring break and I kinda wish I had that. Not that I'm bagging on my guy friends but it's like, wow! They put my cousins on this pedestal and to me, that makes them more special than most people. I guess I got use to the pedestal thingy after Adrian. It's like...wow, I feel so special...like I'm the only one that matters to him. *sigh* Like I said, I miss the couple-dom thing every now and again but I'm not really ready for it. I am just looking for someone to hang with.

Mood: Still Schweepie!!!
50 Cent - 21 Questions

[50 Cent]
New York City!
You are now rapping...with 50 Cent
You gotta love it...
I just wanna chill and twist a lot
Catch suns in my 7-45
You drive me crazy shorty I
Need to see you and feel you next to me
I provide everything you need and I
Like your smile I don't wanna see you cry
Got some questions that I got to ask and I
Hope you can come up with the answers babe

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

[50 Cent]
If I feel off tomorrow would you still love me?
If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me?
If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century,
Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like
some of my friends?
If I was hit and I was hurt would you be by my side?
If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
I'd get out and peel a nigga cap and chill and drive
I'm asking questions to find out how you feel inside
If I ain't rap 'cause I flipped burgers at Burger King
would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feelin' me?
And in bed if I used to my tongue, would you like that?
If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
Now we can have a lil' drink you know a nightcap
And we could go do what you like, I know you like that

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now (Woo!)
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

[50 Cent]
Now would you leave me if you're father found out I was thuggin'?
Do you believe me when I tell you, you the one I'm loving?
Are you mad 'cause I'm asking you 21 questions?
Are you my soulmate? 'Cause if so, girl you a blessing
Do you trust me enough, to tell me your dreams?
I'm staring at ya' trying to figure how you got in them jeans
If I was down would you say things to make me smile?
I treat you how you want to be treated just teach me how
If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see?
And when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me
Would you believe me? Or up and leave me?
How deep is our bond if that's all it takes for you to be gone?
And always remember girl we make mistakes, to make it up I do whatever it take
I love you like a fat kid love cake
You know my style I say anything to make you smile

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

Could you love me in a Bentley?
Could you love me on a bus?
I'll ask 21 questions, and they all about us
Could you love me in a Bentley?
Could you love me on a bus?
I'll ask 21 questions, and they all about us

Wow! I had the best weekend! Mixing basketball along with chillin' with the girls, and meeting the guys-nothing can beat that. I wish we won more of our games but that is besides the point. The first game...dang, we ran it the first half but the second half we just didn't do so well. The second game was the worsed ref game I have played in. The guys were just wanting to leave. Then, wow, Andy was getting hacked from all sides and ugh, we went into overtime. Lost at the last second...SAD!!! Yea, really bad reffing though. We redeemed ourselves with our last game today. I was rocking the boards today...finally have my game back. I've been off for so long. But yea...I had the chance to talk to people this weekend. Bond with my team and talk to my friends back in LA and at home. It was a very clarifying weekend. I just let loose n had fun...no strings attached. I always wondered y people went to Santa Barbara...nothing really there to do...then I found out, it's all about the parties. Yea, Saturday night was the "Shindig": Nikkei student union and PCN, Bball tournie afterparty at the Elephant Bar. It was tite...except the venue seemed small. Like the main room was packed to full capacity. A couple of us from the team just chilled there in another room cuz it was too crowded in the main room but around 1, nearly all of our team went back to the room cuz they were tired...three of us were left: Gen, me, and Kid. Yea, after that we moved into the main room...pretty fun cuz we hooked up with these three guys. Mine was sooooo cute...I think his name was Jon or something like that. Filipino guy who was in town for the ball tournie too. We were hitting off...dancing and freaking, u know how it goes. I could tell that Gen didn't want to dance with her guy...she wanted to dance with the DJ. Yea, cuz the DJ was pretty hot. Anyways, yea, I ended up giving up my number to Jon...he seemed nice, I doubt I'll get a call but yea, I'll probably run into him at the UCLA tournie unless I end up going to the San Diego tournie this weekend but that's a doubt. It turns out he goes to Cal State Long Beach...works in Monrovia. Pretty tite! Anyways, yea, we had our last game today but before our last game this guy saw me running past him and he came up to me with this week shiz: "Dang, I didn't know fine girls played ball...dang, girl, do u play ball?" I wanted to laugh soooo hard. Weak game...but it was cute. At least he was trying...or at least I was getting some kind of like attracting. Apparently this black guy saw me the first day of the tournie and was trying to talk to me but I wasn't listening or something...but I don't remember that. Probably he was talking to me but I didn't know he was. But yea, the guy ran after me when I went up the stairs and was like: "Why u running away from me..." I was like: "Dood, I got a game in like ten mins. I gotta warm up." So yea, I told the guy if he really wanted to talk to me, talk to me after the game. So he ended up watching my game...and that was pretty tite that he did cuz I was just bombing from left to right...tearing the court up from shooting, rebounding or stealing. It was great! But yea, after the game, he came up to me again and tried to work up his game. It was funny cuz like usually people start off with names...apparently this guy didn't get that memo cuz he started off with what school I went to and what was my status. He was impressed that I went to UCLA...I kept fooling him with my age and my year and stuff...haha telling him I was like 17 and that I was a freshman in high school or some shiz like that. He kept running lines on me so I called him on it: "Wow, I haven't heard those lines in a while." He's all: "Baby, I ain't trying to give u lines. I'm just trying to get to know u." Wow...haha that's weak...but yea. He wanted my number so he could "get to know me" and I'm like, I don't give my number that easily. SO I was like, "y don't u give me ur number?" He starts tellin me that me asking for his number is the biggest rejection. I was like, y? but whatever...he walked away from me at the point and I was kinda relieved. I went back down stairs and I ran into him again...he came up to me and handed me a small slip of paper: "ur gonna call me right?" i didn't expect to get a number. It was pretty fun cuz the next thing he said was like, dang, homie..u need to shut up.

Him: "Ur not like other filipino girls..."
Me: "Why do u say that?"
Him: "Ur not skinny..."

Okay, y a guy would ever say something as stupid as that...haha I'll never know. But yea...he tried to explain but yea, he kinda screwed himself after that. I aint' gonna be mean and not call cuz i think that's fucked up to do that to a person. U get a number, u call...don't be like...eh, whatever type thing. I'll probably end up running into this guy (doug) and Jon (club guy) at UCLA's tournie so yea...=P

Guess who I ended up seeing at Santa Barbara? Corina...wow, high school seems to have faded so far away. I always see her places but never at home. It's crazy. I ran into Mark on the street too! Apparently there was a frat/sorority volleyball tournie...yea, so many people!!!

Suzannie, Danny, and Shaun came by today...They barely left like half an hour ago....I'm so tired. Yea, there's something I don't feel so good about...but yea, shouldn't really mention anything. But yes, I have found out some stuff that has made my thoughts become a lil clearer about Son. When the time is right...the response will come. I just haven't found the words to really express it and neither the time to do it. I guess time will tell...

I didn't want this weekend to end but like all good things they have to. *waves bye bye* Good-bye weekend! Hello, Reality! Ugh...back to the norms. *sigh* waiting for something good to happen.

Song of the moment: Some cantonese version of by b2k

lyric line: "Bong Bong bong" lol (imagine an asian accent so it probably sounds more like pong or something)

Mood: Schweepie!!!