I'm missing you...
It's been a wild and crazy couple of days...both good and bad...both happy and sad...both expected and unexpected. I'm sitting in the living room where I have been stationed since Wednesday night. It's cool how my wireless has allowed me new places to type freely. I don't have a wire connecting me and having me immobilized in that dreary ass corner of the room where no one sees me and I see no one. It's Saturday night...10:33pm to be exact and I have a final in a day and a half...a paper due right along next to that too! I'm scared...more scared about this class than I have ever been with any other class. You may ask me why and this would be my response: "It's cuz it's for my major...this is another measurement of my ability in writing...in grammar...in English itself. This is a test to see if I'm really an asset to English. This is more than a class to me...this is my future." I've been bombing this whole time in this class...surprisingly passing off a B- on part of my midterm when I thought I was gonna bomb it completely. I await the horrible measurements of my final...will I measure up? I'm scared...I wanna just drop the class right now but that's the easy way out. I don't want to be a coward and take the easy way out. I Know I can do this stuff...if only i had more time...if only i had the motivation. There's just too much going on right now...a torn heart...a blown mind...family health problems...financial hecticness...memories...I'm trying to hold myself together but I just can't. I know I can't cuz I'm weak. I front so much...make others believe that I'm strong but I'm weak...I'm a freakin weakling! The only hope I have right now is the fact I have Ron in my life...he's so sweet and he tries to be a part of my life. He wants to help me...wants to make me happy...doesn't want to hurt me. Or so he says...i'm still skeptical...like everything else in my life I'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan and tear my ass up. There is still hope for _____...even though we probably will never be more than "friends" I still hope that we can work past our "weirdness". We have been thrown in each other's path for a reason...I wish I knew why. I wish for a lot of things...mainly hanging with you. I think things would go a lot easier if we had each other in our lives right now. You often complete some shitty days...and I hope I do the same for you. I miss ya...still
Jess and jens' lolo is in the hospital right now...critical...he's dying. It's like a flashback to two years ago...when my mom had her stroke. These fucked up feelings of helplessness...what can you say to make them feel better? Yea, you can say everything is gonna be alright but how the hell do you know? You can't do anything but wait it all out...see if it works out or if it takes that ugly turn. I don't wish that pain on anyone cuz that's like watching part of you die in the palm of your hands...can't do nothing about it...just have to watch it pass away. Dad and lola went up north to go be by their side right now...I wish I could be there too...finals are sucking the shit out of me and I just have to keep pushing forward no matter how badly I hate this stuff. I'm looking forward to my retreat this weekend...maybe even spending some time with ____ before break starts. Got my red bull in hand...my chocolate bar on the side...book open...mind's wheels are slowly turning...gotta get through this
