Taking a page from dan's poetry style:

My mind wanders Greatly...
In so many directions ever
Since we both have last ostensibly
Seen one another--I now realize
It hurts so much inside-I have lost everything, no longer anything to gain
Now that u aren't around everyday
Good is not something I feel...

Yet I find the strength w/in me to
Open up to the rest of the world...or try to
Ultimately, I just can't get past u...

The message is clear if u read btw the lines

I guess when u r cute and have a great personality u gotta face the fact that sometimes a friend will end up liking u...I don't know. I guess today that question turned up in the back of my mind. I just don't know what to say right now cuz I can't stop thinking...thinking about "stuff". I can't make much sense of anything but I know "stuff" is effecting me in the worse way ever. I swear my eyes are filling with tears as I write this cuz I don't know why but lately I've been thinking about u...a lot. I shouldn't be either cuz I just shouldn't...I wish i did go up north this weekend so I could have forgotten these feelings and all this shit...oh well...I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I'm feeling weird so I'm have a good cry and just lie down. Sux, I made some good food...burned myself while doing it...wasted money that could have gone towards the bills and rent...time that I could have spent with someone else...time that I could have done my work on...Fuck, I always end up in the same place...*sigh*

Mood: Wondering y I'm feeling this way...

Summer has been going great lately except for one thing: SUMMER SCHOOL. Yea, I'm totally not feeling my class right now. The professor is great...he really tries to make it fun. I mean yesterday he was saying stuff like, "This guy was just a motherfucker!" Imagine an old man with an English accent who can't move his arms real well unless he uses one arm to move the other...yea, that's professor Allen. This summer I have gone crazy...letting loose whenever I can. Dang, end of finals week I get drunk for the first time and meet a cute guy named Kenny...only to find out that he has a chick and has been with her for three years after he flirted with me for like what seems like hella days. Then I move into my first apt...big step for Sheena. I go to a basketball game with Mai and meet more people who are just awesome. I go to Vegas for a couple days...End up meeting the subletter...start school...STUFF...go clubbing and just have everyone blown away by how crazy I was that night on the platforms...starting a new job...another bball game...oh man, it's barely end of second week. I don't know...things are going great for me. With meeting Dan, Kenny, Johnny, Jamie, Bernie, Jessica, Jen, Preston, etc etc...I just wanna live!!! Seize every moment and not have to worry about how much money I'm spending, the consequences of my actions, what tomorrow holds for me. I just don't care right now!!! The nite I went to the club...I let everything go. I had fun without caring who saw me act the way i did. I enjoyed myself...enjoyed the "happiness" people had when they were around me...I wanted to NOT BE ME so much that night...just to forget all the "shit" that's gone on in my life for that past couple of months (come on, u know what I'm talking about). I'm sleepy now so I'm a head to bed...I have a somewhat good thing going for me tmw...Dan's coming over...he's a good guy...

Mood: Tired of making u see...

The past always dictates the future...or so that is how it has been in my life. I hold on to so much that the pain just continously piles up and what am I left with? This broken heart that never seems to mend because I don't think I want it to mend. IF it does mend then I have no reason to push blame away from myself with...however, in the end, I can only blame myself for feeling the way I do when it can so easily be fixed...JUST DON'T FEEL THIS WAY. Or even better, never fall for anyone for the rest of my life. I guess it's hard to put my life in such strict constraints when all I wanna do is be free without any boundaries. I've kept myself in this lil box shying away from anything that has a remote chance of being real so that I won't get hurt...but I always end up getting hurt--hurt in the worst way possible. The type of hurt that u just don't feel u can ever move past in ur life...that is hard to come by. I know I recognize it in my life but I just don't know how to deal with it or fix it...I need help

Mood: Wishing I didn't feel this crazy overwhelming feelings for someone...

I find relationships (now that I am at this age where it could truly lead to a future) completely and utterly difficult. It's like I try to find some kind of balance and peace but then again, nothing is ever predictable enough to feel "safe" or "protected". I wish I had someone in my life but at the sametime I still share the same emotions I felt when I first had a bf: "Where do things go from here?" "Will I learn to love him?" "Is he using me?" "What happens when things go wrong?" I don't like how I feel right now nor how my close friends are with their own situations...I just don't know how to deal with it all...

Mood: Wondering if ur thinking about me...

So yea, last nite was pretty fun. I guess u can say I had a date...(?) haha Classification: Movie = date (?) haha Okay, yea it was a date. So anyways, went out with Art's friend, Dan. Very random but fun. Finding Nemo, cute movie. There was practically no one in the theatre (three COUPLES besides Dan n I). But yea, I was hella tired cuz of personal reasons yesterday...I had fun with Dan. It was an awkward *Good night*...hehe he gave me a hug and a handshake. LoL It was nice to finally escape the grasp of my *memories* but yea, we talked til like 2 on the phone last nite. He sorta asked me out again but this time for the beach. Who knows where this is going so I'm a let it just flow. Anyways, GET TOGETHER AT MY APT!!! FRIDAY, July 4th...hehe Free food...anyways, call me for info

Song of the moment: "Right Thurrr" hehe

Mood: so-so