MY BIRTHDAY/XMAS WISHLIST

Yes, I know that it is early for this but I felt like writing things I want cuz I don't want to read the novel for my seminar tmw.

Wishlist...

Impossible but nice to hope for:
Straight A's
Good Study habits
Bombass Birthday
Happiness for my family and friends
A good job and a car for Ron
Get away from everything for a while
Clear face
A regular cycle
More money
Smaller tummy and waist
Less problems

Material things:
Ipod (original or mini)
New Laptop (Mine has problems)
A new bed (a nice wooden loft one or the ones with drawers in the frame)
Heated rovo styler
Split Ender
Set of 5lb and/or 10lb dumbbells
A basketball (Men's size, not women's)
A bike tune up
New digital camera but I'll settle for a nice DV cam
Aladdin on DVD
Victoria Secret's Very Sexy Convertible Bra In warm nude 36B
Victoria Secret's Three-quarter sleeve tunic top with spaghetti straps in Black (M/L)
Victoria Secret's Off-the-shoulder sweater in Black (M/L)
Victoria Secret's Off-the-shoulder sweaterdress in Black or chocolate (M)
Spending cash for Vegas trip
A nice backpack
A nice purse
WHITE CHOCOLATE
Sex in the City Season DvD (Any season...)
Saved by the Bell Seasons DvD
Gift cards/certificates at any of the following stores: Westfield’s shopping center, Robinson’s May, Macy’s, Wal-Mart, Target, Eastbay, Ross, Costco…etc.
A new stereo system for my car (w/installation)
Carmen electra striptease aerobics (if I can't get all of em, I just want at least the 4th dvd)
Michael Jordan Letterman jacket (S or M)
A day at a spa




More to come...just can't figure anymore out right now

Nothing feels special anymore...the anticipation of seeing one another is slowly diminishing and that special feeling of markers in a relationship are quickly being shot down as anything but remarkable. It sux being in this relationship for me...it's like all these new and big things for me but so routine for Ron. He's had annual anniverseries and those special moments and it seems like nothing surprises him anymore. For me, it's like everything is still new to me...every lil thing is special still. But now, that is slowly being torn down...It doesn't feel great cuz it makes me feel like less of a person. It's like, "maybe he's right...maybe I shouldn't care." But then I realize, that's him and not me...I guess I'm trying to understand from his point of view how all this shit isn't that big of a deal to him. But on the other hand, I don't think he's seeing from my side either. I guess I'm finding reasons to hang out since our time spent together is rarely spent going out anywhere exciting and, for what I would have assumed was something special, we would see eye to eye on celebrating or at least hanging out. I look at my wall and see the framed name art that Ron got me the first time we met...to me that was special...but the way Ron is treating the day, well...it's making me feel that maybe when we met it wasn't special...and the fact that things have turned out the way they have isn't special either...what we have isn't special...so, what is there to celebrate for...


I guess it's appropriate that Ron doesn't find this relationship special...or finds me interesting or anything of the sort...Everything is so hard right now...supposedly this is my last year here...what's to come of me after this year? I've always been use to being someone extraordinary...then I came here...now I feel like I'm a nobody. My dad and I talked this weekend...talking about my education...and I felt myself get angry with him: "why do you have to ask me about what I am doing with my life?" I honestly don't know...My mom use to tell me that when i was born the nurse said I was so crazy and wild that "one day we'll see her in the olympics." I was so naive to think that my athleticism would get me anywhere. I'm just another washed up athlete living in the memories of my high school feats. I went to a small school in a small town...I was stupid enough to believe that I was special. Talking with my dad, I realized that I've always been a nothing and will amount to nothing and even though my brother made so many mistakes and I've given him so much lip about it all, even he will amount to more than I ever can amount to because I'm not one of the lucky ones...I've never been one of the lucky ones. I have always been the one who has ended up by herself, alone in her room at the end of the day, crying because I'm a bad person and God's punishing me for all the stupid shit I've done in my life. My health is fucked up...and the sad part is the doctor can't tell me what's wrong with me cuz she doesn't know. I'm scared out of my mind that there's something wrong with me internally and that by the time they find out what's wrong me it'll be too late...and the saddest part of it all, is that no one knows...and if they did know, they wouldn't care. I'm not happy...I haven't been for a long while...

It's appropriate though...I think I was put here on Earth to make everyone feel better about themselves because my life is fucked up...because I live in my fantasy world and more and more each day, someone comes into my life to remind me that I'm nothing...I'm below them in every single way...I will never amount to anything...i'm no one...