*Sigh* Sometimes I forgot how big of a jerk u can be
I talked with Jorge right now...I forget he can be so cold to a person...especially me. Well, I guess that's more reason to drop this whole ordeal rather than pursue it. *Sigh* What have I gotten myself into? I don't know really but it's taking me on a wild goose chase...in the back of my mind I want this to work and the heart keeps telling me to move on, forget him, he'll just hurt u again. I guess inmy experience the past tends to repeat itself in my future and no matter how many times i say that I have learned, I never really do cuz the heart wants what it wants and there is no way to stop it. I think I've gotten myself into something I'm not ready for and knowingly will not be able to handle. Jorge: the feelings are there both good and bad and that's the hardest thing for me to work through right now. It's too bad he'll never see this cuz then he'll never know that I'm feeling this way...wishing he'd lighten up on me cuz I got more on my plate as it is and his bullshit sometimes can take a backseat. Relationships shouldn't go like that...it's a give and take on both parts...not just one side. I hate myself cuz I'm changing for him and he ain't doing a damn thing to change for me...I set myself up for this blow. Damn, now I just wanna fuck up cuz I feel like less of a person...cuz of him. Is that right? Damn, who cares anymore...
Something borrowed from Jonny Ngo's page:
Monday, September 22, 2003
[ m e s s a g e i n a b o x ]
how can you ever force yourself not to care for someone? you can't, huh? the heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.
that's what i realized over the weekend. that feelings can only stay dormant for so long. as much as you try to hide from them, ignore then, avoid then, they're there no matter what. well. that's how it is with me. it's hard for me to really feel something for someone, and really want to be with them. so when i have that feeling, it really means so much to me. the worst part of it is that when the feelings are for someone you know you could never be with.
i really think i'm going to stay single for a long while. there's nothing wrong with that. woohoo. i get to buy a house just for myself, and decorate it any way i want. hehe. but yea, i do miss having someone to hold.
some say nothing is impossible. only improbable. and with probability, there is always a chance for error.
i think of her, and it's like learning to breathe. i think of her, and it's like learning to fly.
meaning?
breathing is something that's suppose to come naturally. you make me forget how. flying is something that you're not suppose to know. you make me want to reach the sky.
well. on other subjects at hand. i think i'm a good friend. well. at least i try to be. if you need me, i'm there for you. if we go eat, i got you covered. if you need help... i'll be the first person there to figure things out for you. but friendship goes two ways. why be a friend to someone, if they only ever message you if they need something. that's how i feel sometimes. that i only hear from certain people when they need something, or they need someone... and i'm here... that's what being my friend is... i give it my all. and i'll never ask for anything back but a message hello every so often. i'm just tired of trying to be a friend to people who i question sometimes if they're a friend to me. =P oh well, that's what being a friend is all about. being there no matter what.
but on a lighter side, i also realized that i've had soo many great friends in high school. back at north garland high. hehe. i miss the old crew. everyone i use to hang out with. they are the people who made me who i am. they inspired me, encouraged me, gave me all the creativity i needed by just being my friends. even though we all went our own way. i will always be your friends.
and now a final message to MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA! hehe. you know. i think it was fate that made me decide to dress as a soriety girl that halloween 2 years ago and it was fate that made you decide to talk to me... because of that... we had the chance to meet and become such close friends. marsha, you are truly a sweetie... and you say that i make people smile and happy with the things i do... well.. it's you that makes me happy. i hope you are happy because you deserve to be! love you always!
Despite all this Jorge shiz I'm harboring some feelings for another...which is normal but damn...Jonny said it best...it's the worst feeling when u try and forget someone but the thing is you care madly for that person. Hardcore shiz...it's like *sigh* times 10. That smile...right now the smiles he puts on my face is hard to erase...even when I feel put down by Jorge...the thought of him makes me smile. I wish I could give him a try but knowingly it will never happen, I put my feelings aside. LIke usual, I'll step aside for someone else to make YOU happy...
fr121681: CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!? i've never really met a TV star before.
fr121681: i saw you miss movie star on sat
comment from francis about my TV appearance lol
Ran into James Balagot today too and he said he saw me on the screen. Jorge saw me too...like it matters though...
BBall was bad today...I give up on the whole ordeal...I wanna keep playing but it's so hard when things go down like this...I guess the last game was cool...
Jumper
All over the rebounded miss
Stop and Pop
Off the assist
Now I'm ready to play
BRING IT! LOL
Song of the moment: "You're all I want" Lifehouse
Mood: Hating on u right now
