"simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness."
~LL Cool J

"I don't have that feeling no more, u know what I'm saying? I cannot remember the last time I had that feeling. I can't...I can't..."
~Brown Sugar, Dre to Sidney

Dre: "That is why we have to look back cuz if we look back then it will make us see things: the mistakes we've made, the things we never knew were there before and if we can just stop then maybe we can find that thing that we both know is missing and build on that..."
Sidney: "Are we still talking about hip hop?"
Dre: "That's all we've ever talked about. That's all we've ever known...from when we were ten. Sid, just do me a favor before u do something ur gonna regret. Just listen again...Just listen again and just follow ur heart. Whatever u decide...whatever u decide is cool. Whatever u decide is cool..."

"I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it."
~Brown Sugar, Sidney to Kelby

I have fallen in love with another movie...I swear...the mix of love and music ranks right up there with love and basketball...if tragedy ends this way, then I'll take in all this shit in my life now with a freakin' smile. U don't choose who u fall in love with...it just happens. U share the joy and the pain and the memories...u see the world finally with open eyes when u finally lose the thing u've taken for granted. We never really lose the sight of those that matter...but sometimes we forget. That lil constant reminder lurks within us all...and I pray that I can be like Sidney...an saccomplished writer...."I use to love him", that's how it goes...u never lose the love when u know u feel it...

Mood: *tears of joy

I'm at work right now...like usual, I find time to do stuff on the computer...so bad of me. Tee hee...but yea, my paper was horribly written last nite but I hope it will suffice for a decent grade. I found out last nite too that our bball team is leaving for Santa Barbara tonight so yea...I don't know what to think or say right now. LIke, I find myself depressed but yet still overjoyed by somethings. I have this deep yearning in my heart still for this certain something...it will always be unattainable except for that one time. I guess that's all I can really savor now is that one time cuz there will be no other times. I finally met someone I didn't think I would meet at all, this past week in class. Recall: 2 drunk Asian guys on our floor asking for hickey donations. I met one of em, haha...I don't think my mind will ever let me escape the memory of that incident. Nathan, yea, u will forever be the lil guy with slightly pinkened cheeks tawdry laughing in the background. He's really nice and I kinda feel bad for misjudging him from that one incident last year. I guess it's thewhole ordeal on first impressions...they make their print in u. Son...I guess I'm lost in words right now. He sees right thru me...even when I can't even see it myself. I know what I want...but sometimes what a person wants isn't what they need and I am fortunate that Son understands that I'm going thru shit right now. I can't escape things unless I can free my mind and heart from it but that's too difficult for me to do so.

"Reading ur blog has cleared some
thoughts and I thought I was going to feel better
but now I only feel more...desire, which is bad, I
think. When you start wanting too much, maybe more
than u can handle, it starts gettin bad. You know that
feeling of wanting to be next to someone and have that
person's total attention and not gettin it? That's how
I feel. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. But it is
very encouraging. That feeling is what keeps me
writing to you, even though I, at times, feel like a speck
of sand on the beach. If it wasnt for the wind blowing
that speck of sand in ur eyes, would you ever even
notice me?
I wonder if u can like me, i dont think you
can. I think parts of you want to give me a try, but
I think u still find something missing or not there in
me. That makes me sad, but that is just the way it
goes. UR not the only one who is familiar with
disappoinment, nas. "
~Son

More powerful shit that puts me in my place cuz I've fooled everyone for so long and even began fooling myself thinking that there is nothing wrong with just doing what I do best...deceiving. I swear, half the time I don't want to smile...it's only cuz of others that I do so...they smile, I smile...I just wish I could do it for me sometimes.

"Karma: its seems that karma has caught up
with me again. isnt it weird, yeah, love in all the
wrong places. There are people who like me yet i do
not like, and when i see something special in someone
else, they do not see it in me. Life is so wrong, but
when looking from the bigger picture, it is so right.
love is suffering
wanting is suffering
just to even live is suffering
but i guess suffering isnt that bad, if its spent with
u."
~Son

In high school I use to feel lucky...one of the most popular guys in school was talking to me-ME! Even when the drama died down n the pople disappeared he was there...n I embraced it. That was my mistake for bein played a fool...if he wasn't faithful to Renee then...would he be faithful to me now? I know the years have passed and things possibly could have changed but I don't know that...I don't think I'm ready to risk a wounded heart again only to have it hurt. I wanna take things back in my life and be able to embrace life but if I get heartbroken again...I basically think that's the end for me...there will be no turning back...no embracing life anymore cuz I'd be too afraid to risk. I want to live in the now but yet I have to be cautious. I am looking for happiness, long term, none of this short term shit. I know how it is to pine after someone and not seeing what u want to see or feeling what u want to feel...I don't want to put anyone through that. I't caused me too many sleepless nights and that is the last thing I would ever want for anyone to have. I know I'm unbearable at times but I can be so much more...it's sad that people can't see that...people stop at the exterior never really entering the heart of me. I guess it's easier for people to shut out others...to detach themselves from the world itself. I don't think am one of those people though I wish I could be sometimes...it would make crushes go away so easily. Or even the break ups and the pain and hurt. The scars can be seen all over me and they never look like they are healing. I desire more than what people can give me...and that is my mistake but has a lil hope ever really killed anyone? To say things is easy but to do them, that's the hardest part. Son, I don't know what to do or say to help ease ur clouded mind of me...I can't even assuage my worries...I don't know how to. So give me time...u know me, I never stay away for long. I always say what I want to say or want to do eventually.

A message to my friends...I'm sorry my bitchiness lately but moody sheena is around right now cuz she can't figure out what she wants to do with her life. If I say something to offend u, I apologize now. If I do anything to displease u, my bad...I never mean to do it on purpose. I love u all...and wouldn't trade u guys for anything in the world. Ur the strength I need and the love I crave...I take it for granted but doesn't take away the love I have for u all. Don't give up on me...

Mood: Sick and worried

I guess I wish for more than I am really ready to handle. I desire more than I am ready to actually take responsibility for. And I act before I think realize what I am actually getting into. I use to think that there was nothing wrong about acting in the "now" but then memories came flooding back to me again and I realized, "could things have ended differently if I didn't rush things?" The happiness that I have ever felt in my life has been "temporary". Give or take the love and joy of family and CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE friends...but when it comes to other things, it is all short-lived. I threw tantrums til I got my way and when I got it, where did that leave me? The joy of all the crap I won in high school and in junior high and in elementary school...what does that all count for? All the shiz I do now in college...the community work or the lil things...why does it really matter? It doesn't...I guess what I think is right to do at the time just ends up being but a forgotten memory...and someday I probably will be just like that...a forgotten memory in the back of people's minds. I wish i could be more to people than what I am now cuz they have brought me such joy at times...well, it depends who but u know what i mean. There are those who really count...and there are those who count sometimes...and even those that don't count at all...where do I lie in ur life? Where do I lie in my own life? Does it really matter at all...I wonder. It is nice to hear things every once and a while...to know that someone loves u and cares about u or is even just THERE for u. I pray to God that I mean more to people than what I think of myself cuz honestly, I think very lil of myself these days. These blogs of mine help ease my pain but, just like what I learned in English today, even writing stuff down brings a short lived assuaging of emotions. Keats's poem, "Ode to a Nightengale", embodies me at times where I would rather take comfort in some kind of substance (no, not that kind of substance) like food...in Keats's case, it was alchohol. But where does that really bring u? More problems than u started with??? I don't know anymore...I just wish I could find some peace of mind...in anything or anyone. To know that I matter. I guess if u haven't already noticed or heard...I didn't get the bearwear model catalog thingy...yea, I guess I wasn't pretty enough or had enough spunk or even any of the right answers to anything. As if my pride and ego haven't already been shot down in the past couple of weeks...to add to it, yes, is a horrible and coincidental time. I wish I could just get lost in my school work and PCH stuff so perhaps I could accomplish something "meaningful" out of my shitty , i don't know what to label it....Depression? Low times? Whatever...u know where I am getting at...but yes, I'm gonna go take a nap and hope that when I wake up, this horrible cold that I've had will finally go away...just the way I wish my odd emotions would do...

Mood: sleepy and not really wanting to write a paper right now

Wow...this will be short since I should be asleep already. Dormal...it's really what has been on my mind most of the nite. I don't know who to go with or even if anyone wants to go with me. It's sad but true...could I be any uglier? Or have even the worse personality? I don't know...not being asked to practically anything this year has caused me to question myself: what's wrong w/me? *sigh*...to make matters worse, all the good guys are taken...all my really great guy friends that I know nearly all have gfs. And all I can do is watch from the outside peering in on the inside wondering how it would feel to be there once again. Son, yea, I ain't saying nothing about being together...just seeing if we can work things out. It use to be "u n me", Nasi...those were the days...can u convince me that we're ready for that? I dont know...

Ain't life a bitch?!?! I guess I just wish I had some company these days...or something to brighten up the odd moments that have occupied my time the past couple of weeks. The empty feeling I have that seems to be left in the void...I try to fill that with prayer but even that doesn't seem to make me feel better..."God doesn't always give u what u want...he gives u what u NEED". I guess I need to be alone to figure out things...but I still wish I wasn't alone.

Song of the moment: "breakaway" John Mayer

"Can I have my cake? Can I have u too? Would u follow me if I asked u to? Will the world btw us break these ties we worked so hard to realize...could a postcard say what I see in ur eyes...could I ever break away?"

Mood: looking for love in all the wrong places...I need to go party

gen0thepizzaman: nites LOVER, your gonna be in dreams heheheehe

d js tik ma n (2:59:34 AM): nites LOVER, your gonna be in dreams heheheehe

I tend to forget that I'm not the only one who uses words to express themselves on a connecting level. I always feel that writing was made for me and only me and I forget that anyone else can be just as convincing at it as I am. And that is where I am taken...taken in like a thief in hiding. I don't know what to say right now cuz I am speechless and totally hit by the words of someone from my past. It makes me believe that perhaps he is ready for another chance...I've always been that firm believer in second chances and although that belief of mine has backfired on me one too many times, I still feel people deserve second chances. I am not saying that I am saying yes...nor am I even saying no...I am saying perhaps...just maybe...we can start something...just to get to know each other again...AS FRIENDS. If things develop, then they develop...but if they don't, they don't. I am not saying I am letting go of the past because then that means I would have to forget the pain u had caused me. I am older now, less credulous as I was then, more wiser in thought. I can't even believe that I am even saying any of this because honestly, I wasn't going to give u a second chance because of our past. I am still uneasy with trusting people...and it is because of u.

A letter written to me by someone from my past...

Hi Nasi...hope you are feeling better from your cold
or flu, wish i was there to take care of you. I
havent talked to you in a while which is probably good
for the both of us. Good for you cause u probably
dont need my distraction. and good for me cause i need
to slow down the thoughts and images of you in my
mind. I try to keep up to date on ur state of mind
throught the internet and that has helped me deal with
my feelings toward you.
You know, as much as i say "i dont want to pressure
you" i still feel like I am. I dont mean to but i
know i do it regardless. My intentions is not to cause
drama or create unwanted pressure. But the way my
feelings go, it wants to know, it wants to if the
heart really does want me? Sometime im not sure if the
feelings i have for you is healthy. I dont know how
it will work out. I see that you are still trying to
figure out where u stand babe, even while ur sick.
The way i see it: i dont know if you are on the
rebound, because in my opinion, we all on a rebound,
some rebound are longer than others, but the important
thing is to get back on the court and play the game.
You cant win if you dont play. And I think this time
you have a GOOD Teammate on ur team(me). basketball
analogy.
As for our history: Yes i know we have a history
together, and those memories are different to you as
they are to me. I did make a lot of mistakes back
then, and i regret hurting you in any quantity. But
this is the here and now, which is why i want you
right by my side, right here! right now! I want to
show you that i can love you. THAT I CAN LOVE YOU. and
that you too can LOVE me again. I know, love, haha, i
only use the love to emphasize our potential.

thoughts of you still flow by like streams and rivers,
and when they do flow, i get this feeling of
wanting...wanting to talk to you, wanting to LOOK at
you babe, and wanting to smile cause you exist in ur
own unique and weird way. BUt that is you, and you are
special babe, i think more than you know. I know you
do so much for others, and in recieve nothing in
return. But i know that ur not looking for anything in
return, cause the good things you do babe...like how
you make me feel....how you make ur friends
feel...those good things that you do...they are
priceless. Sometimes when i think of the deeper you,
not the busy sheena but the simple sheena..the here
and now sheena,i feel really close to you.
Its kinda sad looking back, how we didnt talk for 2
yrs. Wish we could have continue to build our
friendship bond, nevertheless, I still love you as a
friend...and would never let anything bad happen to
you if it was within my power. i would never want to
see you sad, cause you have had too many of those, i
would never want u to stress cause thats all you seem
to do, i would never want u to be sad because i dont
want you to forget that there are other people who
care about you and they can make u happy. dont lose
site of those people, no matter how many new friends
you meet.
Babe I have the same doubts you have, not knowing and
not sure. All i ask is a chance,a try, an experiment,
of what could be. I think if you feel anything
remotely to happiness when you are around me then you
owe it to yourself to try. But im not you, and you are
not me. Ill do my part and u do urs.
until i see your face again for the very first time:
still thinking and smiling at the thought of US.
may harm stay out of your way for the rest of today,
one day at a time.
sorry my letters are always so long, imagine my mind.
anyways sheena,nasi,baby baller,em de thoung, i have
to go now so get better so we can be together so u
dont have to deal with URSELF ALONE.
Attachment:
1 hug, 2 kisses, and 3 nasi pretend squirmish SMILE to
brighten ur day...

I apologize if this may cause u discomfort cuz I have put this on my blog but how can I not post something so moving? Words like that deserve a forum...a place to be posted...I feel happy that u wrote such great things about me and to me but at the same time, I am still scared...I can't just forget the other things that have been going on in my life and the crazy feelings that I've been dealing with lately...I can't forget that I've been used by a friend in the past two weeks and I can't forget that I feel I lost a friend within this time too. I really am on the rebound and perhaps I feel that u are reaching for more than u are ready for in ur life right now. U haven't been in a relationship in a while and neither have I. I haven't been meaning to really be in one...I see no real way for that to work when u are there and I am here...u know me, I give my heart and total effort once I am in it but I don't think I'm ready for that or willing to do so at this moment. I really am still trying to find myself...I don't know if a bf is attached to that vision. I need u as a friend for sure...and when I am ready...we can move forward more...but right now, we can just get to know one another again. If love is still in our books, then so be it...but right now, I don't want to speculate.

Mood: Dizzy and woozy

I feel amazingly worthless lately...that my body is just taking up space that can be given to someone of more use than I am. I always say I'm gonna do something then I leave it for the very last second. No matter how many times I try to change, I never do. My friend, Chrisma, told me that it takes 20 days to make a habit so that would mean 20 days of me NOT procrastinating on anything. Wow, I probably would make it to the 19th day then quit cuz that's the lazy bum that I am. I am trying to do my best but so many other things get in my way that it's hard to concentrate...it's like why bother with the academics when real life situations are happening to me right now. I just can't seem to find my balance...or even my sanity at this point. I wish I knew where to start to get to that "better place" right now. Oh well...I got a meeting with my English teacher at 10 to talk about my paper. Dang, I can already hear her, " you wrote this the day it was due, didn't u?" Yea, I admit, most of my crappy essay was written the day it was due...I shizzed it. It was decent but in order for me to stay an English major, I gotta get my act together. Dang, hardcore reality...hits u like a bitch slap to the face.

Mood: Weary...what's to come after this?

So after calming down and actually having a normal body temperature again, I'm able to write a nice lil critique of yesterdays quotations from Object of My Affection.

So where are u left when love leaves u in this awkward position? To be left in love with someone who is in love with someone else? What do u do? A common conundrum with no real answer but to let time wait it out...time doesn't always heal all wounds but it does give u time to realize where u really stand in ur life and in someone else's life. Sometimes I swear I know where I stand and then I realize I am no where near that position...I'm in the far back of the line...sad to say but it's true. I wish I could just let everything go but it's so hard...I say it time and time again but when u've fallen, ur just stuck. Nina was stuck falling for George though she had Vince and George had paul...wow, is that ever a soap opera plot. Yes, love enamours us all at one time or another and we choose to embrace it or not. Unfortunately, one can embrace it full heartedly but the other will not. "And I want to be able to look at you and not feel so hurt by you." The hurt of unrequited love really stings...it's worse than a slap to the face.

"I dunno, i kinda wanna ask you how u feel about us.
but i dont know how ull react.
I thought about you a couple of times today, and all i
can think about is looking at ur cute squirmish smile."
~Son

What am I suppose to say? I feel like I'm on the rebound...I feel as though I'm not in a stable mindset to make any decisions. Can u blame me for being hesitant when our past says a lot of how a "relationship" between us could be again? I was so young and so naive...to have also fallen for one of my friend's exes...that's not cool! How I regret allowing myself to get caught up in u at times when I was so innocuous and credulous. I was oblivious to ur ways at times...never realizing u were playing me for the fool. I am not blaming u for everything but I blame u in the most part for leaving me in an untrustworthy state...for playing me and ur girl...for disappointing me and putting me in that position. I admit, I had tons of fun last week...standing at the end of the pier and taking in nature. Talking and letting go of stupidity that I've been through...eating at noodle planet as u stared at each bite I took. Yea, falling asleep in ur arms...it brought back memories...good and bad...joy and hurt. I was torn...I don't know what to tell u...I don't know what to say

Song of the moment: "Man in the mirror" Michael Jackson

"I got to let u know...that's why i want to let u know that I"m starting with the man in the mirror and I'm begging him to change his way and no message could have been any clearer...if u wanna make the world a better place, take a look at urself and make that CHANGE!"

Mood: Aching body and dizzy mind...

-----------------------------------------------

Random quotes
"Sometimes I wonder if maybe we'll ever get back together, and then I realize that we'll never really be over. In a way it hasn't changed, but in some ways it has. It's not that we aren't meant for each other, I think its just maybe we aren't ready for forever." ~Unknown

Does that make sense to u? It sure does to me...the endless feelings in ur heart that never seem to fade, though, over time, it will slowly diminish into other feelings: unrequited love, hate, friendship, disappointment...the list goes on.

"Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart, but if you don't, you might break theirs." ~Unknown

Why does this sound so much like me? Probably because it has become my life story...say something too late or say nothing at all...jack things up and find urself stuck!

"Never kiss a friend. If you have deeper feelings, never reveal them. You will lose that friend forever..." ~Unknown

Why I have gone down this stupid path a couple times now...it's beyond me. I have lost so much this way...I should never let the feelings of "what can be" get the best of me because then those feelings can affect the "what is now" feelings and ways. It's not often u find someone as great a person as ______, so don't pamper or coddle them. Allow them to be and if things work out to that stage, then it will come.

Song of the moment: Baby you are by uncle sam

I heard you when you cried
And gave a quiet sigh
You don't need another tear to fall
You don't need him at all
You don't know how much you mean
You mean the world to me
In my sky you are the star
Baby, baby you are
Baby you are my Cinderella
Baby you are my love forever
You're the kind of girl I thought I'd never have
Baby you are my dream come true
And my happiness is you
You're a star
Baby, baby you are
It's not easy on the heart
When a love has come and gone
But I'll help you dry you tears
And I'll nurse your broken heart
The funny thing about love
Is it can never be denied
So won't you let me be your anchor hold
And I'll guide you through the night
And if you should ever fall
I will hold you strong and tall
You're a star, baby you are
Baby you are my Cinderella
Baby you are my love forever
You're the kind of girl I thought I'd never have
Baby you are my dream come true
And my happiness is you
You're a star
Baby, baby you are
Mood: Wondering if I'll ever finish

Object of my Affection...

Nina: "I was watching Caroline and Frank today and thinking...this is real. And George and I are not."
George: "We're different, Nina!"
Nina: "But I don't think that I am... that different. I want you to be with me. I want you to marry me. I want you to love me the way that I love you. I don't really want to see who you are at all."
George: "I think you see me."
Nina: "Then tell me the truth. What do you want?"
George: "I want Paul."
Nina: "(sob) And I want to be able to look at you and not feel so hurt by you."
George: "I'm so sorry. The last person in the world I'd want to hurt is you."
Nina: "I know that. You can't choose who you love. I think Paul was the best thing that ever happened to us. At least he got us to tell the truth."
George: "But I-I don't want to lose you."
Nina: "I can't let things stay the same."

Rodney: "And I don't think one should be too hard on oneself if... the object of one's affection returns the favor with rather... less enthusiasm than one might have hoped. But a small observation, if I may, from someone old enough to be your grandfather."
Nina: "Oh, you're not that much older."
Rodney: "Have you noticed you're the only woman coming to your Thanksgiving dinner?"
Nina: "Yes. All of my female friends, they're either busy or they--"
Rodney: "Now, don't get defensive. Have you also noticed you're the only practicing heterosexual coming to your Thanksgiving dinner?"
Nina: "Well, I, uh, I haven't practiced in a while."
Rodney: "I'm serious. What happens when all the men at your Thanksgiving dinner find other men? Who's at your table then? Don't fix your life so that you're left alone right when you come to the middle of it."

So yea, the only real thing I did today was watch a movie...I love "Object of My Affection"! It's cute but quarky in the sense of Jennifer Aniston falling in love with a gay guy and wanting to raise her baby with him. It turns out to be the LITTLE THINGS that "Nina" falls for...how "George" gives her this sense of protection and love...and though he is in love with another, she can't help but have that lil hope that they will end up together. Neways, the ending is so confusing that if I were Nina's daughter I'd about lose my mind trying to remember whom is who in my life.

Here's the low down on Easter Vigil. A cool day, or what began as a cool day...and then my dad came. My brother of course did not show up due to the quarrel we had the night before which caused me to burst into incessant streams of tears. How hard it is to be in my family now...I just want my sanity back...or some sense of comfort and "home" from them. I decided to go home yesterday but somewhere down the line that didn't seem rational. Neways, my dad picks Rose and I up at the dorm, Aiz is already in the car, and we head to the church. So, here it goes...what was suppose to be a great day, ended up starting out like shiz...my dad picks a fight with me and I admit, I am not to be left blameless but I tried not to lose my cool with him but he forced it and I just couldn't handle it. He wanted to stay in the car during the ceremony and i told him, "that is perfectly fine with me...with or without u, I am going to do this." I must say, that really really truly hurt me...I wanted to burst into tears right there but I fought it off. I was not about to let another person ruin my night...a night I have worked for. Of course my dad came into the church eventually...I know he would never hold the grudge against his lil bball player (yes, in place of princess...I was always his lil athlete...or his lil bruin...or whatever u can name me.) The ceremony was long but eventually streamed and flowed. When I was confirmed, the priest drenched me in the oil. It dripped into my eye and mouth...YUCK! I was glowing for the rest of the ceremony. I think I got the worse of the dousing...our profession of faith...well, I didn't realize it was suppose to be so personalized. So when it was my turn to go to the ambo, I let it rip too. I told everyone that I was born into a catholic practicing family...but I always felt out of the loop, never really understanding what was being said to me. Then I had a reality check over a year ago: my mom died. Yea, it was true I was angry for a while but realized things happen for a reason. It deepened my faith and now it was time for me to take the next step. The ceremony ended at around 10:30...Lewis, my fave ADVISOR, lol...he sang in the choir last nite. We talked and ended up getting some coffee blends at Coffee Bean in Westwood. It felt great to just talk for a while...I woke up this morning though, with the worse throat problem in the world. So now I'm nursing a cold...argh! Anyways...maybe I should knock out again. Nite nite

Song of the moment: "No Greater Love" Rachel Lampa

Mood: Exhausted...