look into her eyes...
tears stream down her face
Lost in the deception and lies
She just can't keep up with the pace
Bawling and cowering, she begins to lose herself
Packing away the memories on the highest shelf
She sits alone in the darkness at her small computer screen
Living out another nightmare and never fulfilling her dream
Today is today and tomorrow lurks in the shadows of her mind
So lost in this world, how longer will it take to find
She repeats to herself not to lose sight of her goal...to climb to the tallest height
but one thing keeps holding her down-yea, she has the case of the fright
Leave me alone she pleads to the world
Oh well, who cares right? I'm just another girl...

everything I say is wrong...everything I say gets taken out of context...u parse my words, u take it the wrong way...y do u bother with me then? I just wanted to see you...now I'm crying my eyes out cuz u just seemed so cold...u know I wouldn't...u know what, forget it. If i say anything now it'll just be taken the wrong way and then I'll still be crying. I have never felt like this before...wanting to spend every waking moment with you...wanting you to hold me and forget that shit exists...I just wanted to be with you...near you...you probably don't care that I lost a contact crying right now...or the fact that I tried to get back here as soon as I could so I could be with you...you don't care that I have been thinking about you all day since I dropped you off...you don't know at all...i won't be able to sleep tonight knowing you think I'm freakin crazy...not realizing I left home as soon as possible just for you...I never sleep when something bothers me...I always end up sittin on the bathroom floor crying or sitting up/layin in my bed, thinking...

...that'll be me tonight

...straight thinking

Do not be afraid, i am with you...

Is it wrong to watch you dream peacefully beside me...am I wandering through your every fantasy. Somewhere in your heart I hope there lives a small part of me. One that reminds you, "I love you."

"With what an extraordinary smile you uttered that word--'very well,' Jane! What a bright spot of colour you have on each cheek! and how strangely your eyes glitter! Are you well?

I believe I am.

Believe! What is the matter?--Tell me what you feel.

I could not, sir: no words could tell you what I feel. I wish this present hour would never end: who knows with what fate the next may come charged?

This is hypchondria, Jane. You have been over excited, or over fatigued.

Do you, sir, feel calm and happy?

Calm?--no: but happy--to the heart's core.

I looked up at him to read the signs of bliss in his face: it was ardent and flushed.

Give me you confidence, Jane, he said: relieve your mind of any weight that oppresses it by imparting it to me. What do you fear?--that I shall not proved a good husband?"

~Chapt. 25, JANE EYRE, BRONTE

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Luther Vandross - I'd Rather

"My future husband was becoming to me my whole world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven."~JANE EYRE, Bronte

Not quite the whole husband deal but the line sticks in my mind. This book and these recent events have been pushing my thought limits. It is as though I'm fallin in love again for the first time. I feel that I more than like you...but is it quite love? I'm reaching that point...slowly inching my way towards your heart...there is a thin barrier holding me back. Still skeptical at the thought that this maybe real. Reassurance cannot be given in words but given in actions...I suppose. I just can't stop thinking: I am not one of the lucky ones, therefore, why am I receiving this good fortune? What downfall may I expect in the future so in this case I will not have a completely tragic fall? GIVE ME AN ANSWER!!! Torture in bliss is hardly enjoyable and I painfully admit that i think I'm hurting my love in the process. I use to be such an optimist...coldly turned pessimist. I see nothing but questionable situations...answers...decisions...actions. I don't want to question. I want to enjoy, come what may. This is like fallin in love for the first time again...everything is so new. I feel so credulous...so naive...so innocuous. I feel I hold you back from being YOU...I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who can cater your needs...your desires...your love. I may tease you about your past (and perhaps that is reason why you shouldn't deserve anyone) but I know you've changed...I see the sincerity in your eyes and I know you are real. I'm just not so sure about myself. I don't know if I'm for real...I put up these barriers in order to protect myself (or so I believe). I keep people from getting too close to me because I don't want to get hurt. I'm always frightened because everytime I let someone in, nothing turns out quite right...I'm an idiot...I know it...but I can't help it. Fallin in love with ______ perhaps was the best thing for me. He taught me to open up my eyes again. He showed me his heart and though I was never able to possess it the way I wished, he made me realize that I could be special to someone and that someday I will be able to receive a special someone. That brings me to you...could you be the one? Could you be my special someone? That frightens me...I'm twenty...I'm not as experienced as you but yet you make me see things in a different light...your light...my light...our light. You make me fall weak in the knees knowing full well you will be there as my support. Dependency is not my deal...but yet now, I depend on you. I care too much to turn back...

Something I tried to post this morning but my computer was acting up...

Can you really get over someone?

After last night's events I sorta wonder if anyone can really get over someone. To have absolutely NO FEELINGS WHATSOEVER. No matter if their feelings consist of hate, despair, regret, disappointment, love, like, etc. Whenever you hear that "song", does it bring you back to that time in your life? When you pass or visit that "place", does it remind you of all the times you went there? When you happen to cross old letters, old trinkets, old "lil somethings", does it remind you how much feeling was there? Does it scare you that somewhere in your lover there are feelings for someone else...someone they cared about more than you...someone they shared more with...

My heart is in a tumultous sort of situation. Frightened at the very thought that I possibly am but another girl in someone's life. Frightened that I'm wasting his time...wasting my time...a simple "in the meanwhile" girl taking up the hours til he finds someone better. Yes, I am insecure but you can't blame me. I've been cheated on before...I've been dropped for someone else...the shit that you gave out, I was on the receiving end. There never are any guarantees when it comes to risky business such as matters of the heart. I'm such a complete amateur when it comes to love that I think you deserve better. Someone who can keep up with your experiences and your pace...I'm just not quite there yet. Will you wait there if I don't follow? Aren't you afraid as I am about the past returning...feelings...habits...people....

Last night I realized that even the closest of couples fall apart...no reasons, sometimes they just fall apart.

doesn't it scare you, as it does me?

I just wish u really could see it from my point of view...maybe u'd understand better. Maybe u'd love me less cuz I don't deserve you

Something from an email that Mai sent...didn't care to email it back out so I thought I'd just post it.

Who are You? Change all the answers so
they apply to you. Then, send this to
a whole bunch of people you know
INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
The theory is that you will get a pile of get
to know e-mails! You'll learn
a lot
of little known (and sometimes scary) facts
about your friends! Remember to
send this back to the person who sent it to
you!!!!!



1. What is your full name?: Sheena Vee Viloria Marie Sanchez
2. What are you listening to right
now?: The whirring of Desie's CPU

3. Last 4 digits of your phone number?:
2602...why?

4.What color of pants are you wearing right
now: Faded denim

5. What was the last thing you ate?:
BBQ with rice

6. If you were a crayon, what color would
you be?: SHEENA!!! =) A mix of cute and even cuter…hehe

7. Where do you plan to go on your
honeymoon?: Depends on the guy...Hawaii is a given...somewhere relaxing and calming

8. How is the weather right now?: It's nice and hot outside but really cold here (I'm at work and the ac is cranked up)...I'm wearing a freakin tube top...BRRR

9. Last person you talked to on the
phone?: Arlene and Nat...pch email stuff...argh

10.What's the first thing you notice about
the opposite sex?: Eyes...smile...hair

11. Do you like the person that sent you
this?: Eh...Mai and I have our moments...LOL

12. How are you today?: Half and Half...no class today but I got work and a paper due this week...haven't read the book yet...and now the pch email shiz...argh

13. Your favorite drink?: *frown* Hello, my name is Sheena and I'm an OJ-aholic. It's been half an hour since my last drink...hehehe Actually, OJ has only become one of my fave drinks lately...my real fave is Raspberry iced tea.

14. Your favorite alcoholic drink? Toss up between kamikazes and irish carbombs (heavy on the baileys)

15. How do you eat an Oreo cookie?: Twist apart hoping that the cream is intact on one side...scrape off the cream and then stuff the seperated sides into my mouth...gulp down a lil milk to help it all go down!!!

16. Favorite sport?: To play or to watch? It's two diff things for me. actually...no it isn't...I like all sports...basketball and tennis still are at the top of my list.

17. What's the next CD that you are going
to get?: Twista's new one...see if he gots some new goodies for me. I just bought two new ones...raphael saadiq and stevie wonder

18. Hair Color?: brown and black right now...gonna dye it soon.

20. Do you wear contacts?: yea, i'm blind as heck

19. Siblings?: 1 older bro

22. Favorite Month?: ...doesn't matter anymore...I guess october cuz of my bday

23. Favorite Food?: I'm fat so I like everything...um...like my dad's pansit. I liked my mom's chicken...noodle planet's duck lo-mein...thai house's pad thai...sushi mac's dynamite mac roll

24. Last movie you watched?: in the movie theatre or anywhere??? Last movie I saw in the movie theatre was HONEY (twice)...don't ask...last movie I saw was American Wedding...
25 Favorite day of the year?: I don't have one...feb. 14th=mom's bday...oct. 28=my bday

26. Are you too shy to ask someone out?: Not really...depends on the guy. If I've known him long enough I'll probably say something...if I've just met him, probably not.

27. Do you like scary or happy movies
better?: Either one...I love all kinds of movies.
28. Summer or winter? : Summer

29. Relationships or one night stands?:
Relationships ...um, never had a one night stand

30. Your favorite Car?: hehe I love all cars too...lexus gs 300...supra (90's), prelude 99, rx-7

31. Chocolate or Vanilla?: white chocolate

32. Have you ever been in love?: yes

33. You ever had your heart broken?: Yes *sigh*

34. Are you Romantic?: I have my moments...okay, yes, I'm a hopeless romantic

35. What is your shoe size?: I'm big foot...I can go from a 6 to 9 in women's...5.5-7 in kids to mens

36. What is the last gift you received?: ummm...my eddie george jersey

37. What is your favorite number?: 15

38. Do you want your friends to write
back?: Yes

39. Who is the least likely to respond?
...

40. Who is more likely to respond?:
...


41. Favorite singer/band?:
stevie wonder...surface…whitney houston…mariah carey…I like a lot of people

42. The next concert your going to?: I’m hoping to see the stevie wonder concert or je/joe/ginuwine…

43. Who's your best friend?: Aiza and Rose...Rose knows Aiz has seniority though cuz I've known her longer but I still love her the same

44. What is your favorite brand of
clothing?: I don't care much for brand as long as it looks good. I am a lil partial to Hardwood classics, Jordan, Nike, Baby Phat, forever 21, rampage


45. Who's your boyfriend/girlfriend?: Wow, if u asked me this question a couple of days ago I probably would have put some smartass comment about being single…But now I'm happily taken.…My bf's name is Ron and my gf's name is Mai…hahah ;-P

I question you only in hopes to find that for once you do not have an answer...

...in hopes, that someday, I'll be the answer

I see how fortunate I've become...how others in my life are seeing their love fade from their own lives. I don't want that to happen cuz I've become attached to you in ways I didn't think I ever would. I see you...I've always seen you. Question is do you see me too? You say I'm different from the others (as you are the same in my life, as well), good different or bad different? Sometimes I see you looking at me with these eyes...those indescribable eyes...it's like you see through me. You see what I'm thinking or you try to at least. Maybe I didn't show interest in you from the get go...but you sure did catch my eye. You have shown me things that I have never imagined to have seen. See things in another light...maybe I wasn't ready for it but you showed me the way anyways. Maybe I don't love you quite the way you love me but I know that these feelings run deeper than I thought they would have. Who would have imagined since that one day at Santa Monica...Johnny Rockets...the pier...my name...TO now...sea world...the clipper game...the nights and the calls. We've been going through the motions very quickly but yet still seemingly slowly paced.

I DON'T DESERVE YOU

I treat you like shit sometimes...getting mad quickly for the lil things. I'm sorry but that is my nature and I can't help it. Please, be careful with me...I maybe tough-natured but I'm a fragile thing.

Less than Perfect

I can't help but constantly wonder where my fortune came from but it is here...and I love it. I'm still scared...I don't wanna lose u now. I've let things go for u and I don't think i was ready to let those things go. But I did it...I did it for u...

...I did it for u...

Everything Happens for a reason...they say

I haven't written in my blog as much as I use to...perhaps it's because I have something else in my life that helps me express what I'm feeling. Today, I felt I needed to stop and just blog a bit. I had a nice long ass conversation with Rose today. Something we often do when we end up sitting at the dining table together at the same time...REASON, SEASON, OR LIFETIME???I use to think about why everything happens in my life...never really finding an answer. Last year someone helped me figure out that "everything happens for a reason"...George explained to me that God has a plan for all of us...we don't really guide ourselves...we just have to follow the goodness of the Lord. Ever since then i have taken that to the heart. I question the existence of any occurence wondering why God has allowed such things to happen. I still wonder why God put certain people into my life...why they are who they are...why they aren't who I wish they would be. I wonder why he takes away people just when I need them the most. I wonder why I fall in love with certain people...I wonder. I always like talkin with Rose about these things...so often we forget to reflect and take a deeper look within ourselves in order to find who we are, why we are, how we wish to become. A couple of years ago I always phrased the questions as "In the future, how do you..." now it appears that the questions have become "in a couple of years..." It's scary but true. I can't diminish the fact that I'm 20 now. Life is not as it use to be and I am definitely not how i use to be either. I just don't understand and maybe I'm not meant to but all I know is that I see my future. Perhaps not very clearly but I see a future. I see a future with you...kids and a house... a dog and a basketball court in the yard...I see love and happiness...I see you. Maybe I'm being too vehement in this situation but I'm just saying I don't understand how I've gotten so lucky and perhaps I shouldn't question it...I do know that I really do want it to work...I just don't think I'm worthy of you.

song of the moment: one call away by chingy ft. jason weaver

Ooh, yea yea
DTP, how we do
Call you and you can call me
Whatever you wanna do baby

(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away

It was weird how we met, huh
She was wit her mom in Bank America
I'm wit my son cashin the check
So I asked outta respect (uh)
Would she like to explore the world or buy
We can fly in my jet
Her reply was "Yes, can I ask you sumpin?"
I seen it in her eye, mama lookin like all I wanted was sex
Scene moved to the next (that is true) but it was something
about this girl's style that make me feel no regrets
We started off casual; walks through the park
Candle light dinners by dark, I'm thinkin smart (smart)
Of course she might think I'm in a rush
To touch, clutch and be up, but baby I ain't on that stuff
Dropped her off and told her call me up, we can talk
Conversate about political subjects whatever's thought
So I zoomed off, lookin by and my phone rang
It was her in the shower, (she said) she said "I couldn't do without ya"
Then I said. . .

(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away

The next day I'm with the fellas at the case playin ball
Here she comes wit her friends they posted up on the wall
Now I'm showin off, trynta dunk trynta dribble break fast
Through the middle just to see her smile and giggle
Game over I punched her wit a kiss on the cheek
The homeboys lookin at me sayin "Lil Howard you weak"
But you know how that go, what I got they want
What I got I flaunt, never mess wit it, PLEASE don't
Told her "I'm going home" she asked can she go too
I'm like "Yeah boo, I can't see me without you"
Got thurr, I took a shower jumped out she in the bed
With a see-through thong said I looked at her and said. . .

(You, could, call, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm always one call away

Girl recognize game, before game recognize YOU
You're dealin wit a player, TRUE
Now whatchu wanna do?
We can kick it and go puff on a bluuunt
Oh you don't smoke? Grab a pint of Hen' then we can get druuunk
It's up to you, I'm the man but baby just let me know
Cuz if you got an attitude I could treat you just like a hoe
Get to rollin wit me baby, hop in there's enough room
We can gaze at the stars that shine like the moon
Gimme a chance to show ya, and a chance to know ya
Just be true, and there's nothing I won't do, for ya
Some women like to play it foul (foul)
But them the kind I put in the place of a child (child)
Don't worry be happy and smile and. . .

(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away