If I ain't got you...Ummm...so yeah, 1 final down and 2 to go...I wish I could be happier but I'm just in this weary spot today...I ran into Ron today on my way to the PCH office...no, not my Ron...my friend from Tinig. Yeah, the one with an amazing voice...So yeah, he's doing his singing thing...he's hoping to release his album by this fall which is hella tight cuz I've heard some of the songs they're off the hook. But yeah, he showed me their latest song...and it was just so appropriate how the words just fit so well in my life...*sigh* "You're not here...I'm still waiting...why can't we just compromise". It's like dang, are u reading my mind. I just can't think still...after talking with Ricky today in class...I don't know...made me think. I can't help but here all these songs and realize how I think about u constantly...I've let u in too deep. "The Reason" by Hoobastank...listen to it...you are my reason...I'm beside myself at this point...growing wearier as the time passes by. I study and think about u...that's all I can do...I blog every second I get...cuz I don't have u to just be here...I wish i could take back what I said saturday only cuz some were uncalled for...some that I should've kept to myself. I was cleaning up my stuff and I found the card that u gave me when we first started dating...the story of Do-Able...I'm fighting back the tears right now cuz I'm wondering what ur doing right now...worried that ur with someone other than me cuz they'll probably treat u better than I do...

I'll be waiting here...only for you

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game

Some people think that the physical things define what's within
And I have been there before, and that life's a bore
So full of the superficial


Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everthing means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

It's sad that I only normally blog lately when something is bothering me...I blog rarely when something great is around me...*sigh*...I have a final today...for tagalog...I mean, it should be no problem for me but then again, who knows what may happen, right?

Alright, as you know, normally I am not an advocate of any Britney Spears' songs but something about her lyrics in "Everytime" has gotten me in a weird mood:

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me

I guess I need you baby

Apartment rent: $575
Utilities: $35
Tuition: $1700
Watching my roommates play patty cake: PRICELESS

Sometimes, even in the midst of all the turmoil, u gotta take a second and reflect. I am so glad I have Aiz and Rose as my roommates. We recall together so many memorable people and times in our lives and I think that's awesome! Reminds us how we got here...why we're here...where we are yet to go. Thanks, God, for that lil reminder...

It's been 4 days since I've last talked to Ron...somewhere inside of me, I'm scared. How many more times I can I say good bye to someone I love? There's that lil oz. of hope inside me that tells me "no worries, u both just need time a part"...then there's that other 15 oz. that says "face it, he's dumping u..." I just want school to be over...I just want to relax...I just want it all normal...I want Ron here...I want to know that we're gonna make it over this bump again...

Why can't he just call...damn...hehe, I've made it two days without calling. U'd be surprised that that is a good thing for me. Something robyn told me yesterday is lurking through my mind..."well, sheena, when u get mad, u get really mad...and I wouldn't blame him if he is letting u cool off...u need to cool off...give him a week." A week in my eyes seems like months...lol...but if he needs time, then time he will receive. It's better that I wait off things than mark it off all together...why mess up a good thing? Well, the best thing I've had, at least...

I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wished I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know.

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

And the reason is you.
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

And the reason is you.

I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.

3 consecutive nights of crying myself to sleep...wondering to myself what I could have possibly done to deserve all this sadness. It always happens to me around this time of year...as if God is telling me, "you've had to much happiness...I get to make you sad now..." My eyes are so swollen that it's hard to open my eyes in the morning...*sigh*...how many more nights?

As time goes by...

Ever wonder what a slow death feels like?

It's like waiting for a relationship to end...or even wondering whether or not it is ending...wondering whether or not the one that says he loves you is avoiding you...when it seems like tears don't end...

More and more, everyday, I feel like a fool...but I shouldn't...I needed you there...Just one night! One important night to me...and everytime I call you and you're not home...I just don't know...I just don't understand...and I just...

Rose sees me sad and she can't help but feel sorry for me...nothing she can say or do to help me...when even she says that what he did is means for breaking up, I get weary...I don't wanna break up...but that entails you want to still be with me and right now I don't think u do...the more u don't call me, the more I just...the more I think u don't wanna be with me...if that's the case, why can't u say anything to me instead of leaving it how it is? I just don't understand...maybe i don't want u to say anything, maybe it'll hurt me even further...maybe...I don't know...damn, I can't even type right now...

What's a man to do
When situations like these come to you ..damn
What's a man to say..
When shorty's just drivin you insane..
What's a man to do..
When you and your girl
Just can't pull through...damn..
What's a man to say..
When everything just ain't the same...

See I'm trying to find a way out of this misery
Cause only God knows this is not the way I be
I'm just too young to be stressin this ain't right for me
So she better act up
Or I'm gonna straight up and leave...
This is not the first time
That we go through this...
It's 'bout the second, third, fourth maybe even fifth
And I've been trying to work it out
Only with you babe...
So listen close 'cause not all men are the same...

So what's a man gotta do
So we work this
I've just about tried almost everything I can
So let me learn you something
And you better learn right quick
Girl get yo act together
Or I'm about to have a fit...
~Frankie J, What's a man to do

i was young i was dumb
didn't know wha i was thinking
use to think that i could rule the world
thats the way...i be living
fast cars always shoping at the malls
never caring for your heart
always with my friend yeah..

till you came along
and opened up my eyes
you asked me wha was goin on
seemed that i had changed inside...oh my
said i was triping
and slowly slipping
in another bad situation
and i said to myself
i dont wanna go that route

cuz i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that im still down
i dont wanna loose you babe
just keep me on the ground
i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that i wont change
cuz for u i'll do anythang and everythang
you know that i wont change a thang

you're my moon,you're my sun
you're my stars you are my everythang
and im sorry if i havent made
you feel that way...ok...
i've been a fool i know its true
and i gotta make it....up to you babe
i gotta show you that i still
acknowledge you...

till you came along
and opened up my eyes
you asked me wha was goin on
seemed that i had changed inside...oh my
said i was tripping
and slowly slipping
in another bad situation
and i said to myself
i dont wanna go that route

cuz i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that im still down
i dont wanna loose you babe
just keep me on the ground
i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that i wont change
cuz for u i'll do anythang and everythang
you know that i wont change a thang

o0oh
i love you more than anything
o0oh
for you i wont change a thang
o0oh
girl you know im still the same
cuz i'll always be there for you
and you'll always be there for me
yeah oh yeah

cuz i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that im still down
i dont wanna loose you babe
just keep me on the ground
i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that i wont change
cuz for u i'll do anythang and everythang
you know that i wont change a thang

you know that i wont change babe

yeah
Lets go..from the the start of it all
you were there for me
before the range and the benz
before everythang uh
memba those nights...
no lights no food on the stove
just me just you and a baby to hold
whoooh
and now you saying me and you
that we strayed away
and that we havent been the same
since the money came
but the money means nothing
if i dont have you...uh uh
to support and back me in everythang
that i do... cuz if you aint there
then why am i here...tell her
please understand that i care...uh

cuz i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that im still down
i dont wanna loose you babe
just keep me on the ground
i dont wanna loose you babe
you know that i wont change
cuz for u i'll do anythang and everythang
you know that i wont change a thang
~Frankie J, Won't change

I'm home alone again
And your out hangin' with your friends
So you say
Somehow i know it's not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't checked on me all day
When i called, you didn't answer
Now i feel like your ignorin' me

I wish
That you were home
Holdin' me
Tight in your arms
And i wish
I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish i wasn't
In love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
It just ain't fair
The way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time
Thinkin' bout you
And you ain't never gon change
I wish i wasn't
In love with you
So i wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts
Anything you did wrong i forget
So you play me
And take advantage
Of the love
That i feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you
That's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drownin' in disappointment
And its hard for me to even look at you
I wish
That you were home
Oh yes i do
Holdin' me
Tight in your arms
Ooo baby
And i wish
I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

You said you cared bout me
But from what i see
I ain't feelin' that
So i disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you treated me
Like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothin' from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You're not welcome no no no more
No (oo oo oo) more

You're knockin' at the door again
I'm wonderin' should i let you in
I open up the door and see
The flowers for me
So beautiful in your hand
You start beggin' me to take you back
I've always been a sucka' for romance
And before you know it i can see
You're all over me
Oh no, here i go again

I wish i wasn't
In love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
~Heather Headley, I wish i wasn't

Would I be standing here
After all these years
Among the stars above
Maybe not
If it wasn't for your love

Smiling faces all around
Like when a king that has just been crowned
A battle has been won
That I'd have lost
If it wasn't for your love

A fairytale unfolds
More true than stories I've been told
At last my chance to shine
And all in perfect time
The life I once dreamed of
Who'd have thought
If it wasn't for your love

And oh the wonderful surprise
To have a light so bright it blinds
It blinds my eyes
But finally I see
How it feels to live a dream
But would I have touched the sky
Ever flown so high
Oooh not I
If it wasn't for your love

Your love...
~Heather Headley, If it wasn't for your love

I need to cool off...Needing some dire RR. I just gotta wait off on that though...two more weeks...just two more fucking weeks. DAMMIT! I'm acting like it's over...when it isn't...but that major diss just makes me think he wants it over. I'm so freakin' sensitive that it isn't funny anymore...I've just seen too many sad things...I can't hang...

I just wonder why u don't try...*sigh*

When u say something to me, I always believe you mean it...and when I find out they aren't true...well, it makes me wonder what else you've said to me that u didn't mean. When you say ur coming over tmw...and then u don't...well, u add more fuel to the fire, igniting a real burning disaster. I just can't understand anymore...and the more I try, the more confused I get...*sigh*

I just seem like I can't get to you...

No matter what I say, what I do...just can't

Empty

How could it be that you know me
My deepest fears my fantasies
Confide in you what no one knows
But it feels so real

[when I close my eyes]
I can see your face
[when I lick my lips]
I can taste your smile
[when I see your name]
My heart starts to race
[if I can't read your thoughts]
Then I feel empty
[when I close my eyes]
I feel empty
[when I close my eyes]
I feel empty
[when I close my eyes]
Whoa I feel empty
[when I close my eyes]

Is this a new way to love
Never face to face is it enough?
Does it really count or am I a fool?
So tell me please, am I wasting my time?

Your phrases
Descriptive
And through the textured words

With beauty
You post it
And use such colored verbs
We've never met
Ooh

I'm rushin home to turn you on
Sometimes you're there sometimes you're gone
Wait for hours for your return
So tell me please, am I wasting my time?

Your phrases
Descriptive
And through the textured words

With beauty
You post it
And use such colored verbs

So tell me you think that maybe we've gone insane?
To find a, a lover and through the words of pain
We've never met
Ooh

When I lick my lips
I can taste your smile
My heart starts to race
I can taste your smile

[when I close my eyes]
[when I close my eyes]
[when I close my eyes]
[when I close my eyes]

...I wanna move on right now but it just won't stop hurting. I an't seem to concentrate right now. I see the article in front of me and the evidence is right there...just can't get myself to write that stupid hw asn...more bullshit to add to the list. I don't know right now...I can't let this shit go. This whole thing just makes me delude myself to some suicidal maniac...not so the case. This is just another bump in the rode in which seconds seem like hours and hours seem like days...story book life of mine continues its same structure...boy meets girl...good times...hook up...a lil time later, true feelings show...boy leaves...girl in tears...life torn apart. It's true...the first couple of months are always the best...that's when both try harder to woo the other...then somewhere down the line it fades...it doesn't fade for me but it fades for them...and then, I'm left trying. I don't think Ron completely understands how he has been treating me lately...as though he's bored with me...as though he doesn't want to be with me...as though I'm not a priority or of any type of value...as though i'm not his gf. I'm just...forgotten. Last night, I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth...they just kept coming...so oblivious to myself that I didn't realize all that has piled up inside...how much things have hurt me...one by one...lil by lil...all out in the open. Like I said before, it is given, I'm not perfect. But at least I am working on it...really, I am...it's just hard when we both see each other not changing for the better. It is like we've reached that "Stuck" point. For me that stuck point usually means that the guy is going to dump me...normally for someone else. I don't care if I don't smile lately...there isn't a point to...all my friends are graduating...someone I truly care about is amongst that group and who knows if I'll ever speak to him after this school year...love has gone sour...a silent phone seems permanent...there's no taking anything back...money is a problem...school work seems tedious and boring and I'd rather spend my days doing more productive things...my fatness gets larger by the second and I don't see myself as pretty...I don't see a point at all.

I want some answers...

Each night that passes that I don't get a phone call just makes me realize how I've done too much...said too much...eh, maybe I've done too little...blegh. I realize how much I've given up of myself and of my values and beliefs and all that come attached to them. I realize how much it hurts to feel like just another girl again...no one special...not feeling like I'm ur girl...just so ordinary...so low and so stupid...

I've become the other side of me again...No one...

"I love you, Blair, but I'm leaving you first chance I get..."

So in my gluttonous mood yesterday I ended up watching an ol' eighties movie that was on TV: Less than Zero. At first I started watching it only cuz of Andrew McCarthy but then the story drew me in...Addiction...there are so many types of addiction. Those that are obvious and those that are subtle and those that are secretive. Addictions tear you a part...make you do crazy things just for one more hit at it. It could be drugs...it could be alcohol...it could be throwing up just to get thin...it could be studying...it could be anything...

I have an addiction...

I have an addiction...an addiction to be validated by others. I like to say that I don't care what others think but truth is, I do. I stare at myself in the mirror and know that I'm fat and ugly...stupid and unreliable...no good. I see someone who has become too attached to others...relying on others around me...I can't seem to be alone. I've become the worst version of myself. It's obvious that I've been depressed lately...I don't know what it is...
Maybe it's all this work that I've been doing in the past month...maybe it's cuz the year's almost done and things aren't how I planned...maybe it's cuz I can't focus on school anymore...maybe it's cuz I have to say good bye to people I love...maybe it's cuz my boyfriend doesn't seem to care about me anymore that even a phone call isn't worth it...maybe...just maybe...

This is the worsest I can feel...it's crazy...even when my mom died I don't remember hitting this level of depression. I have my moments but now, nothing seems worth it...It's like I've more than given up on myself but I've given up on everything. I would like to say I'm going to turn this all around but right now, I'm not so sure.

It's not like it's only one aspect in my life that is going wrong but it just seems like everything is colliding with one another, pushing me farther and farther away from where I want to be.

Last night when I talked to Ron I asked him why he didn't call me back Friday..."I forgot..."

That sticks out in my mind..."I forgot"...it's like saying I'm easily forgotten...God, that hurts. Everyone has always forgotten me...I'm that girl that always gets left behind...I always feel like I'm on the outside and right now, this is no exception. I'm locked in my room and I'm so glad Aiza isn't here cuz I just wanna be alone and I just wanna cry. I just can't handle things right now...I couldn't get an explanation...couldn't even get a word from you. And still now my phone is silent...

In the movie I watched, Clay tells Blair: "I love you, Blair but I'm leaving first chance I get..." That's how my life is..."I love you, Sheena but I'm not willing to stay with you...". All Clay could do was watch Blair...the way she looked at Julian...the way she had called him to her...how easily he came to her but how differently she had acted...

that's all i can do...watch from the outside...wait things out...hoping somewhere down the line that he will easily come to me the way I so easily come to him...

I don't think it is too much to ask to be happy...I just wanna be happy...really, is that so much to ask for?

Why can't I just be happy?

I need you...God, help me, please...

Starting a downward spiral, and heading nowhere quickly

So yesterday was my pch banquet...and like I mentioned this morning, Ron didn't show up...FUCK! You know it's bad when u feel like ur stalking ur own bf cuz u can't seem to get him to do anything for you. I really really really don't think that it is too much to ask for one night...ONE FUCKING NIGHT...of all nights to stand me up...to not even call me back. How can I not feel hurt...how can I not feel disappointed...how can I not feel as though I'm the only one trying. There is a difference between being appreciative/thankful and reciprocative/loving. I don't know...I guess I'm the type of person who thinks that reciprocity shouldn't be an obligation...it's just something that is expected from time to time especially on occassions that are truly special. It really hurts...and half the time I tell myself to not call u out on things and just hold in...just not say anything cuz I don't wanna fight...I know I am not perfect but I try to make that up to u...for any of the times I hurt u...I TRY..*sobbing* I really am trying to be everything u want or need. Part of this is my nature...I am trying so hard to curb my moodiness. I just don't understand how, of all nights, you chose to diss me last night...given tonight wasn't really planned. However, I've been trying to ask you last night as well as all day today...I don't question you anymore about your fidelity...it is a matter of ur dedication...the time and effort you put into this relationship...I can only count a couple of times that you have done something for me that truly seemed out of your character/nature...of course I can count the many things i do for you...really, it isn't too much to ask for one night. Maybe I am overlooking every other night that you are here but lately all you really do is sleep and eat here, borrow my car and come back here later than u tell me u will be here.