"If this is empty *taps heart*, then this doesn't matter *taps head*"
~Dicky Fox, Jerry Maguire

"My whole life is this family and it does not work without him!"
~Mrs. Tidwell, Jerry Maguire


Love always seems to win in these situations...I wish it would do the same thing in real life.

Every step I take forward, it seems like someone pulls me back two steps...

I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen...I'm still hanging on a string and I just find it so difficult to be me. I have soooo much to do but all I can do is think of one thing or another. But I'm starting to see that good things come to those who wait *well, let's hope I'm right*. I'm patiently *trying* to wait for the good. I need to focus but it's so hard. I swear, I got ADD. I never pay attention because I'm such a dreamer. I think of possibilities and I just break off into tangents. Possibilities of the future and of the present...of todays and tmws...of love and of happiness...i dream of everything.

I shouldn't have to dream so much though.

Some things are so possible right now...just waiting for things to go my way...just waiting...

Sometimes giving in is the best bet...hehehe

Anyways, there are those select few that can turn cloudy days into sunny ones. I'm glad I was able to get you guys on the phone tonight. Thanks...you know who you are.

I'm looking for closure...Coming to terms with this kinda stuff is frustrating. I feel alone and desparate, searching for something--anything. It shouldn't have to be like this but everything got so muddled up and now, I feel that all this is more of a punishment than just one of them things...you know?

I got my English paper back today...yup, hehe the one I wrote basically the morning of. Not bad, A-. LoL Either I'm getting better at BS or my professors are just getting easier. Hehehe...still, that doesn't make things better in my life. I feel these cold chills and this loneliness inside. It's like something is missing. I can't seem to find myself. I was happy for a good week and then reality came back. It didn't just come back, it came back with a vengence. There are times in the day that I just space out and I just think...sometimes I'll cry and sometimes I'll get upset...sometimes I just feel alone and sometimes I just can't get alone...

I don't know what to do or say lately...Fighting these crazy feelings inside...these strong urges...everything is so messed up. I shouldn't have to feel this way...I have so much on my plate already. I think I need to get out of here. Just get out and Leave and not come back for a while...Just go and wait somewhere. Wait for something to happen. Anything...dammit, anything! I lost a lot in this past relationship...getting it back will be hard.

I have to be honest, part of me misses you...but the thing is I miss the you that I use to know...the one where we were good for those couple of months...the times we'd laugh and dance and be stupid. But at the same time I remember all the times you ditched out on me...always left me in the dark, leaving me to wonder what the hell is going on...all the things I didn't know...It wasn't right then and it still isn't right. "I just don't wanna be with you sometimes." *stab in the heart* *stab in the back*...whatever. Still now, I haven't heard from you so I'm trying to think and straighten out everything but I can't do it all by myself.

I need help...I'm so Fudged up right now...*sigh*

I wanna cuss...

*fighting the feeling*

I sat down today and figured out that I have a lot to do in the next two weeks in order for me to be prepared for my finals as well as go to the concert.

I hope this is all worth it. *sigh*

No matter how hard I'm fighting it, I can't help but 823 right now. I have so much on my mind too: graduation, family, friends...name it, I'm probably thinking about it. I'm really looking forward to spring break now. Let's just settle down and have fun. Party at my place!!!! LoL...actually, you know me, I'd rather spend everyday cuddled up next to you. I miss that...*sigh* I got a taste of it and I want more.

Yesterday, I got another reality check...it hurt so badly that I kinda did something stupid...well, almost got really stupid but I stopped it in time but it got me thinking: guys are dogs. I'd elaborate more but then I'd just get all jumbled inside.

Would you cheat on your significant other?

After things that were said and things that were done yesterday I'm wondering, was Ron like that? Did he think that way too? I hope not...that would really hurt me if he did...

God, would you really let that happen to me? That makes me sad...

Song of the moment: "Why shouldn't I cry?" Heather Headley

"There's a time when i felt blessed to be loved by you
Those blessings turned to regrets from all the things you put me thru
I remember at night you use to hold me til the sun arose the next day
now you sleep and just turn away while my heart is on display
And I say...

Why should I cry one more night?
Why should I smile when it hurts inside?
Why would my heart say, "get up and walk away"?
Why do I say, "Why why why?"

There's a reason why I cry everyday
There's a reason why things don't go your way
There's a reason why I kneel down and pray
There's a reason why I'm still around today
Can't you see that I'm hurting eternally
I need affection and good love therapy
I need you now, it's an urgent delivery
To get rid of this pain inside of me

Why should I put up with lies
and my friends say good bye
I loved you so, baby, I can't deny
It's time to dry my eyes
It's time to think of what was gained when it was all in vain
Can't be right and feel this wrong
This heart of mine..."

I just want to be happy...

It's all I ever really ask for...I had one good week of happiness and now I'm living the complete opposite. I am wondering why God is putting me through this. I put my heart and soul into that relationship...I couldn't try any harder than that. I'm sad and I'm upset and I don't know what to do. I act like everything is fine and then at night I break down into tears and no one knows. I thought things were working out right now too...but now I'm just getting more silence than ever. I'm getting mixed signals...I'm getting confused. I don't know what to think or what to feel and who to turn to. I thought I had someone to turn to and even he's not there...

God, whatever your great plan is right now, please understand that I've been in this dark place for too long. Did I really deserve it? Haven't I suffered enough? Why show me heaven only to take it from within my reach? I could feel it at my fingertips...I tasted it and I fell for it. Now, I'd give anything to get another taste...just a lil damn taste. Haven't u taken enough from me?
I'm already broken inside...whose going to put me back together again? WHO?

I'm hurting so much....please help me...someone save me...

"Loving you is a like a song I replay
Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day
And every chorus was written for us to recite
Every beautiful melody of devotion every night
It's potion like this ocean that might carry me
In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me
And every word, every second, and every third
Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard
And when I play them, every chord is a poem
Telling the Lord how grateful I am cos I know him
The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes
Stand in love, take my hand in love, Jah bless"

I miss Eddie!

My Nor Cal bud who is actually from So Cal but resides and attends school in Nor Cal...why don't u keep in touch?

*sniffle*

Mai is my Weekend B****. We've been dating LOL

So, I went home on Saturday after having my back give out on me. I've been basicaly in and out of my bed most of the weekend. I skipped work today. Stayed in bed for a while, relaxing on the massage pad...went out and came back...sat in boredom...went to the west cove mall with Mai....headed to LB for some dinner but ended up at the block. We ate at Johnny Rockets...or as she so lovingly refers to it as "Johnny's Rockets". Good times and good food...funky music. Yes, "Happy Together" by the Turtles. Mai had to go there. But yeah, we shopped a lil bit afterwards cuz we encountered this huge cheapy store. AWESOME COLLEGE GEAR FOR HECKA CHEAP! We had a feel day!!! But yeah, came back to LA later than normal but it was a good day overall. Mai and I are on a break. We'll see each other sometime in two weeks hehehe

Sorry, beb, had to break it to u some how. hehehe

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space
'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Don't say don't touch you I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you any more any more
I don't touch you anymore

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me
~Me'Shell Ndegeocello, "Fool of Me"

I'm confused...

The thing that kills me the most is this feeling of being dangled on a freakin' string like a damn puppet...because you know u got me on that string, dangling at ur leisure. I just want to know what is there...

It seems like I'll never get the chance to know.

http://www.threadless.com/product/204/Emotional_Trip

Does anyone wanna buy me this shirt???

Hehe...I like the guy's color better though.

It hit me tonight...it hit me hard. The more I pushed it out of my mind, the more it came back with a vengence. I finally broke down and cried when Ron's beanie fell out of one of my blankets...the keychain...the pictures...I thought I could put them away without one tear but then it hit me out of nowhere...

why didn't he love me enough to keep me?

WHY?



I'm so stupid and I don't know why, but I blame myself. I'm never gonna have someone who will love me and I swear I feel like God's doing this to me cuz he thinks I deserve it and I just can't understand why. I'm in physical, mental, emotional pain and I just can't escape it. I can't escape it...

My heart is broken and it's been broken for a while...I just hoped it would mend sometime. Now, I realize it isn't gonna mend like that. I am a fool to let my heart lead me. I'm a fool to believe that anyone could feel for me the way I feel for them. I fool myself...I fool myself

No one knows it, but I died inside months ago...and so far, no one has come to help me be reborn again. If I come to you for time, it's cuz I feel like u can help me get past this. Please don't turn me away.

Song of the moment: "Going Crazy" ~Natalie
"that's right baby, I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
that you and me, yes we can make it
just ride with me, roll with me, I'm in love with you, baby "


BY THE WAY, Art's the best...his "gift" today was the best thing anyone could ever give me. If there were more Art's in the world, I think this whole place would be happy and loved.


Thanks, man