"its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
but I'd rather have you here with me, right next to me"

I had fun tonight...except for the whole back in pain thing, it was fun. Frat/Band ball...Got to get all dressed up and pretty. hehe WOO HOO. I got my nails done and did my hair...fake eyelashes...

Dancing...laughing...reminiscing....

GOOD TIMES...

Today was alright...Got some things straightened out with fin aid...
i couldn't help myself today. Somehow, inside, I was wondering what would happen if something occurred and I died. Who would mourn me? How would they mourn for me? Would they mourn me? Yes, as weird as that is, the thought crossed my mind today. I wondered if Ron would even care. I wonder if a certain someone would be kicking himself because he figured things out too late. I wondered if anyone would care...I wondered if I touched anyone's life. I just couldn't answer the questions...but yet i couldn't help but wonder all at the same time. For some reason I keep thinking of death as a type of revenge against those who hurt me, who let me down, who should've acted before it was too late...but really, who loses out of it all?

Me...

I spend so many countless moments thinking of someone because I care about them...and I wonder, how many times do I cross their mind? Then I realize, someone's probably doing the same thing with me and I just don't even realize it cuz I'm so stuck in my own world. I still think that the sun rises and sets on me. hehe what a thought...It's so hard trying to get out of this bubble but I'm only human...

Only human, dammit...

*sigh* anyways...I'm trying not to be too happy but I can't help it but at the same time, my worries take over me. I worry too much...over the lil things and how it can affect an outcome. DAMN! My eagerness and feelings are so powerful sometimes, I just can't stop them. I can't do a darn thing. God knows that when i go to bed tonight I'll be thinking..."sometimes i think my feelings for you are unhealthy".

Yeah...


Yeah...

I'm in over my head...but it's okay, I like it that way.

::smile::

This is how happiness feels, please don't let me ever come off this high.

"Baby since the day you came into my life
You made me realize that we were born to fly
You showed me everyday new possibilities
You proved my fantasies of love could really be

Let's go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating away yeah
Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9

(You've got me up so high) So high
(My shoes are scraping the sky) So high
(You've got me up so high) Oh
(My shoes are scraping the sky)

Maybe later we can go up to the moon
Or sail among the stars before the night is through
And when morning comes we'll see the sun is not so far
And we can't get much closer to God than where we are

We'll go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating away yeah
Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9

(You've got me up so high) So high
(My shoes are scraping the sky) So high
(You've got me up so high) Oh
(My shoes are scraping the sky)

Ooh...yeah
Ooh...oh hey

Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazin'
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
My shoes are scraping the sky

You got me up so high
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
My shoes are scraping the sky ooh...ooh...
Yeah...

This is how love's supposed to be
This is how, this is how love's supposed to be, yeah
Let's go to the moon baby, ooh
Let's go to the moon baby, yeah
Let's go, go, let's go to the moon baby
So high..."
~John legend, "So High"

Just one of them days you don't ever wanna come down from that high...oh yeah, just taking it all in cuz man, natural highs are the best.

YEAH FOR THE SUN COMING OUT TODAY!!! YEAH!!!!




Here's one going out to someone special:

"And there will be heartaches and pains, yes it will
But through it all, we will remain
In this life, we all know
Friends may come, they may go
Through the years I know
I will stay
And in the end I know that we'll find
Love so beautiful and divine
We'll be lovers for the lifetime, yeah
And I'll stay with you
I will stay with you"
~"Stay with you", John Legend

And one more, you probably don't know it cuz it's not on the album

"Must be the way that you move inside my head
Must be the songs that you sing to me in bed
yea yea
It must be the moon and the sun that sets so red
yea yea
or it could be the stars when we're lying under them

It must be the way with that with you I don't pretend
no no
and it must be your skin that when I touch just drives me mad
yea yea
or it must be the blues that with you I never have
no no
It's all those lil things that you do that make me so glad

I'm telling you, I wonder...just what it is to me that you do
but I say that it doesn't matter
Cuz all I know, there's something about you

And I don't know what it is
Baby, that you do
But it must be the way
that you keep me falling for you"

~"Must be the way", John Legend *some lyrics are omitted due to the use of the word "love" hehe

The simpleness of a phone call can be so important and sentimental that it's worth can be overlooked or even ignored. Finding the time to just call someone or return someone's call says a lot about a person: I believe it means that they know you are there. I don't ask for much but just a simple hello. A SIMPLE HELLO. Acknowledgement...it's not too much to ask for.

I can't help but keep thinking right now...honestly, I think I'm trippin out and foolin myself. I don't understand why I always want things now...as though I can't wait another freakin' second. *sigh*
I'm lookin' in all the wrong places right now and I think I need to quit. I just can't help it though...I got a taste and now I want more. Mmmm...more...hehe

I got some good advice from aiza today on a lil something that I wrote up. As much as I would like to display it, I can't...not yet. Right now, I'm in over my head and I need to quit. *sigh* I just can't help myself.

"With each kiss, u take a lil part of me...and what people don't realize is that with each missing piece, I break down even further."~Me

I'd give back the past couple of months to get a couple of more days of this past weekend...

pLfFt: it means, i don't believe in love
pLfFt: not the way i used to think of it
pLfFt: cuz ppl are awful
pLfFt: everyone one of us
pLfFt: but it's ok
pLfFt: that's the way it is
ToTL Pinay: HAHA, ur barely getting there?
ToTL Pinay: lol
pLfFt: not barely
pLfFt: i've believed in it long ago
ToTL Pinay: then why did u get involved at all
pLfFt: i just got fooled a lil while ago into thinking otherwise.. i came back to it
ToTL Pinay: that's means for saying screw it all
pLfFt: screw it all
ToTL Pinay: hehe...I still have that hope...hoping that all this is worth it in the long run
ToTL Pinay: some day
ToTL Pinay: some how
ToTL Pinay: hopeless romantic
ToTL Pinay: hehe
ToTL Pinay: i gotta believe

...do u believe in me still???

I'm trying to sort out what's going on in my mind and I keep reading old blogs...old letters...old feelings...thinking to myself, can I ever get that back?

~Truth Is~

Ah Oh Ah Oh

Ran into an old friend yesterday
Caught me by surprise when he called my name
He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past
Talked for a while, I smiled and then
Said that he was seeing somebody and
Told me this was gonna last
Showing me her photograph

And all the feelings I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you

We reminisce on the way things used to be
Shed a couple laughs, shed some memories
Talked about the things that changed
Some for good and some for bad
Then he said good-bye and he paid for brunch
Promised that we'd always keep in touch
Grabbed my bags and grabbed my furs, walked away and that was that

And all the feelings I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you

Now the truth is it hurts but I the fault's mine
'Cuz I let him go
Tried to get over it but it's messed up he's not mine (Because I know)

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still I love with you

I just gotta be honest, I guess, I-I guess, I'm still in love, in love, in love

Officially single...


I'm over it now...if you love someone, you don't treat them badly. I had the best weekend...I'm glad that whatever possessed me to go Friday night to Mai's high school reunion get-together pushed me to go. Even though something inside me made me stir feelings that are probably better off not being touched. Now, I feel so confused. I just can't help myself and now I'm not sure what to believe, what to feel, who to turn to, where to go...i don't know anything.

After getting my eyes checked on Saturday I ended up going out with Mai and her friend, Roy, who remembers me as "MASSAGE GIRL". hehe OH NO! But yea, that was fun stuff at the olive garden. Yeah for reminiscing of the first time I got drunk. LoL Anyways, then Mai and I headed to LB to go hang at a party with Son. *sigh* A million things flashed through my mind that night...I'm glad I went. Things were put into perspective for me and I needed some fun in my life. I don't think I've been this happy for a long time. A REALLY LONG TIME! But yeah, Son and I talked about high school stuff and straightened out the stupid stuff even though there were still words that were being held back, it was nice. Something he said to me that night still sticks in my mind: "Sheena, why do you settle? You deserve more than that..." I know I deserve more but most of the time I don't care. Not everyone gets what they deserve but I guess things eventually come around. I had the best night...hung out with my girl and hung out with a old friend. I loved it!

I have to admit that I've missed the company of Son and I kinda feel stupid for not realizing that earlier. I just can't seem to let myself think that I can do better or I really deserve anything better. I don't know...I guess I got pessimistic in the long run which isn't cool. I use to think with such optimisticness that nothing would phase me and then I got hurt, over and over again. There went my innocence...there went my rose-colored glasses...there went the things I loved. I just wish I knew better. I wish I knew then what I know now cuz I could have been in love with someone really great...known when to quit and when to keep trying...not have wasted so many opportunities...gone solo or gone for it.

After the events of Sunday, I just really feel so crazy right now. I'm over Ron...I don't really care anymore. In my mind, it's over. You don't treat someone that you love this way. It isn't right. Son's right: "You can't say one thing but have your actions say something else. It isn't right." If you keep saying you love me, then show me. Not calling...not doing a thing for me...that's not love. I just wish I could've realized it sooner.

I fear that this will hurt me again in the long run but I have to start moving on. I have to...I've hidden everything for so long. It has been in the background that I have to just Push forward...someday, somewhere, somehow--someone will be there for me.

I'm wondering, is it you?

Sunday, I let go...I let go and let in everything else.

That made me happy...

Song of the moment: Natalie "Going Crazy"
Mood: I'm thinking about things...I hope they all make sense eventually

------------------------------------
An old blog of mine from the last time I actually spoke/hung out with Son:
April 25, 2003-

Son...I guess I'm lost in words right now. He sees right thru me...even when I can't even see it myself. I know what I want...but sometimes what a person wants isn't what they need and I am fortunate that Son understands that I'm going thru shit right now. I can't escape things unless I can free my mind and heart from it but that's too difficult for me to do so.

"Reading ur blog has cleared some
thoughts and I thought I was going to feel better
but now I only feel more...desire, which is bad, I
think. When you start wanting too much, maybe more
than u can handle, it starts gettin bad. You know that
feeling of wanting to be next to someone and have that
person's total attention and not gettin it? That's how
I feel. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. But it is
very encouraging. That feeling is what keeps me
writing to you, even though I, at times, feel like a speck
of sand on the beach. If it wasnt for the wind blowing
that speck of sand in ur eyes, would you ever even
notice me?
I wonder if u can like me, i dont think you
can. I think parts of you want to give me a try, but
I think u still find something missing or not there in
me. That makes me sad, but that is just the way it
goes. UR not the only one who is familiar with
disappoinment, nas. "
~Son

More powerful shit that puts me in my place cuz I've fooled everyone for so long and even began fooling myself thinking that there is nothing wrong with just doing what I do best...deceiving. I swear, half the time I don't want to smile...it's only cuz of others that I do so...they smile, I smile...I just wish I could do it for me sometimes.

"Karma: its seems that karma has caught up
with me again. isnt it weird, yeah, love in all the
wrong places. There are people who like me yet i do
not like, and when i see something special in someone
else, they do not see it in me. Life is so wrong, but
when looking from the bigger picture, it is so right.
love is suffering
wanting is suffering
just to even live is suffering
but i guess suffering isnt that bad, if its spent with
u."
~Son

In high school I use to feel lucky...one of the most popular guys in school was talking to me-ME! Even when the drama died down n the pople disappeared he was there...n I embraced it. That was my mistake for bein played a fool...if he wasn't faithful to Renee then...would he be faithful to me now? I know the years have passed and things possibly could have changed but I don't know that...I don't think I'm ready to risk a wounded heart again only to have it hurt. I wanna take things back in my life and be able to embrace life but if I get heartbroken again...I basically think that's the end for me...there will be no turning back...no embracing life anymore cuz I'd be too afraid to risk. I want to live in the now but yet I have to be cautious. I am looking for happiness, long term, none of this short term shit. I know how it is to pine after someone and not seeing what u want to see or feeling what u want to feel...I don't want to put anyone through that. I't caused me too many sleepless nights and that is the last thing I would ever want for anyone to have. I know I'm unbearable at times but I can be so much more...it's sad that people can't see that...people stop at the exterior never really entering the heart of me. I guess it's easier for people to shut out others...to detach themselves from the world itself. I don't think am one of those people though I wish I could be sometimes...it would make crushes go away so easily. Or even the break ups and the pain and hurt. The scars can be seen all over me and they never look like they are healing. I desire more than what people can give me...and that is my mistake but has a lil hope ever really killed anyone? To say things is easy but to do them, that's the hardest part. Son, I don't know what to do or say to help ease ur clouded mind of me...I can't even assuage my worries...I don't know how to. So give me time...u know me, I never stay away for long. I always say what I want to say or want to do eventually.

A message to my friends...I'm sorry my bitchiness lately but moody sheena is around right now cuz she can't figure out what she wants to do with her life. If I say something to offend u, I apologize now. If I do anything to displease u, my bad...I never mean to do it on purpose. I love u all...and wouldn't trade u guys for anything in the world. Ur the strength I need and the love I crave...I take it for granted but doesn't take away the love I have for u all. Don't give up on me...

I'm reading all these old things right now and I'm like...dang, I was hard up on him and then i remember my world shattering at the mere mention of Renee's name. High school was such an eye-opener and then I get here to UCLA and everything is so much more complicated. Anything and everything in high school was baby stuff compared to what I have to deal with here. Now a days I just feel so afraid of things that may happen.... What do I do? I just took a look at my scrapbook and found the old letters and pictures and I remember how happy I use to be. I wish i could go back to that...before everything got so complicated. I JUST DON'T KNOW! *sigh*