It's over...it's over now...move over...it's my turn now...it's over...

DONE...No more summer school...too bad I only have a week and a half to chill before school starts. Oh well! I'm pretty UNCONFIDENT about my final and English 10b as a whole. Damn, Hella screwy.

Ignorance is bliss...

...or is it?

Sometimes I wonder if the world plans this day to day conspiracy of ignoring me...or is it just my imagination? I don't know...perhaps it is just that our lives are hectic right now and I'm just being selfish and I believe the whole world revolves around my ass...haha I don't know but I feel someone in my life is ignoring due to recent events...

...DeJa Vu
...I think so...

The roller coaster of life continues its downward spiral into the depths of MY HELL...when is the ride heading back up? End???

Thursday, September 04, 2003
9.4. damn thinking. still on my brain-jt

one of the worst realizations is when you realize you aren't jealous of her, but of how much he loved her. and then you wonder if he could ever feel that way about you, or if he would even give you a chance to begin to feel that way, and there are no answers except hesitance. so you try to keep it low maintenance and chill but inside there's this foolish burning and you find that Fortune's grabbed you by your heels and is swinging you upside down, laughing, with Karma snickering in her ear.

ejaculation by joannafeen at 7:14 PM

Joanna...dang, ain't it the truth

Sometimes I forget about the lil things...
...somehow, there is always that silly way of reminding me of what was...or at least, what still has a chance to be

You turned away from me and it was over...as quick as it had begun. I tried to speak but the words wouldn't come out and in the back of my mind now I still replay the moment over and over again wishing I could have uttered even a single word...
I wish I had the courage to have said: "I am glad whatever happened, happened tonight. The only thing hampering this pleasure was the fact you are intoxicated and/or perhaps allowing it to get the best of you...but nonetheless, if it didn't happen tonight, I wish it would have happened another time. Maybe I've been away from these affectionate displays for so long I don't remember and I'd cling to anyone at this point...No, I don't think that's it...I guess my emotions got the best of me and I let more show than I wish had. I admitted to you, I was attracted to you from the get go but still, I guess I just never felt so tender of a kiss before or an embrace so inviting...or a feeling of belonging...though be it only for a moment, a moment is more than I've had for a long while...or maybe even ever cuz I question, can I ever really belong to Someone? Can Someone ever really belong to me?
Be it as it may, I wish distance didn't seperate us...cuz sometimes your friendly voice or smile would brighten up some crazy hectic days in LA when the sun doesn't seem to wanna peak out and shine on me or even when the traffic is permanently immobile and all I can do is daydream or even when lecture drones on for what seems like hours upon hours and I can't help but doze off into my own world. You know me, I gotta be honest with you...I miss you at times...still remembering the odd way we met the first time...how things just fell into place...pretty obvious without the need of even a mention but the words are always nice to hear. 'Til you're back here or I'm up there...no regrets

I don't know what to say...this thing that happened recently popped into my mind today and I couldn't help but think about IT and HIM and how AMAZING things WERE...

Eh, maybe I'm just avoiding studying for a final...who knows...*sigh*...who knows???

Song of the moment: ____________________

Mood: not wanting to study and kinda weirded out right now

Janzel-
Thanks for dinner....sorry, I knocked out when I got back to the apt but I was running on fumes. Yea, I really gotta stop procrastinating on my papers!!!! It was soooo shizzy! Blah! Food was great...gifts were cute...YOU'RE AWESOME!!! I guess I got next when we go out to dinner or what not.

Chrisma-
Damn girl...sorry I missed Sushi Mac. But u still devirginized me! I tried the California rolls...yummy! Hope u didn't have drama yesterday...call u later

Lately, I've been stuck in these odd moments. But yea, let me begin from the morning events and work you through to the funky parts. Last nite (or early this morning) at 3:30 someone decides to pull a fire alarm...UGH! I had barely fallen asleep for like half an hour...damn, that sucked. Then around 6 or 7, the neighboring apt. building's fire alarm went off. I guess God's punishing me in a way for going out to Chrisma's party rather than work on my stuff. But yea, church was enlightening as usual. Went to FPAC after that...did nothing but go around shopping and watching the performances. Jonah was at FPAC...Rex was at FPAC...my cousins and aunt and uncle were at FPAC. It was great. I bought a shirt that says "bastos." and Rio bought a shirt that "sira ulo". I wanted the one that said Buwisit but they only had it in blue. AWWW. BUt yea, REx was hilarious...Honeyluv (aka premiere) was alright. I tried to get a pic for my bro so I can give it to him for his bday but yea, it was hard. I went back to LA to grab the choco strawberries I made earlier...they hadn't hardened...damn! But yea, drove over to Robyn's for the meeting. FUN STUFF! The video looks tite...I didn't sound that great but oh well...I could do the song at least. hahah But yea, established Saturday's PUSO beach day events...or the jist, I'll email it out tmw...got home around 11 or so...and guess who im'd me (on carlos' scn)...JORGE. The past has been coming up again...weird timing for it cuz I got so much shit to do this week. But yea, tlaking to him was weird at first cuz I admit I still am rather bitter but I guess I figure I shouldn't let it bother me since I did have a good run with Gabe afterwards...and Adrian...so good stuff. But yea, First home football game this saturday...who knows who I will run into. I gotta start my paper...SHIT! No sleep this weeeeeek!

Song of the moment: "lovin' me" By nelly

Ay yo ma, how you doin, it's ya son now
And I picked up the mic and put the drugs down
Now I'm tryin to do some things that'll make you proud
Instead of everytime I call it's to bail me out
Oh why didn't I listen to things you used to tell me
Knowin that everything that you said would never fail me
Like 'they got plans for ya
Ain't nothin I can do when them laws get they hands on ya'
But I ain't listenin, even payin attention
I'm just tryna get mine
Takin advantage, you would get two jobs at the same time
Ungrateful, complainin about Nike and Polo signs
But you always come through, and what do I do
I wreck both ya cars, stole money from ya drawers
Sold dope out ya yard, stayed into with them laws
Tryin to pay you back for all the stress that I caused
And always be there to give you whatever you want

{Hook}
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, I said whatever you need
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, I said you don't have to worry no more
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, uh, 'cause ya son will be there for you
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, uh

Now verse two, yeah that's for you boo
I send ya props 'cause you the only one that stuck through
When I'm upset and stressed you give me back rubs
When I'm depressed you give me head off in the bathtub, E - I!
On ya P's and Q's, on ya Q's and P's
You hear my beeper goin off and you just throw me my keys
Ain't even askin me yo is it coochie or G's
And for that reason now you can ask me for anything
Not a for real smoker but you choke with me
Not too hot about the drinkin but you toast with me
Livin at ya granny house you kept the dope for me
And wouldn't hesitate to go to court for me
Need money, my boo'll go and work the avenue
My boo'll fuck you up if I ask her to
That's why I do the things I do
And I will always be there to give you whatever you want

{Hook}
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, I said whatever you need
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, I said I don't wanna lose you no
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, uh, 'cause you're my boo and my only one
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
Uh, uh, uh

I'm doin this one here for Shaun Haynes, Lashando and J. D.
D Quick, Boo Gees and Fatty
My nigga Lil' Erv, Gino and Poochie
And everybody over on Euclid and Labade
Young Big Touch, Pooh and Big Baby
Rio, J. T. and Big Money
Herky Jerk, Wezz and Pea and Cody
J. E. , K - Ug and Odie
Toe - Fa, M. J. , and Cowlby
And all my soldiers down at Fair Ground on Monday
My Lunatic fam, Keyuan, Murphy Lee
City Spud, T - Love and Big Lee
Yellow Mack, Slow Down, Courtney B
The rest of my niggas up in the N. Y. C.
And without Trail, Cooter and Coach it just wouldn't be
And I will always be there to give you whatever you want

(Don't stop ever lovin me)
I said whatever you need
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
'Cause y'all my niggas for life you know
(Don't stop ever lovin me)
You can always smoke with me

Mood: Content yet worried...hahah

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all


Sometimes I just get lost in the words n I can't turn back...

Today was cool...Aiz got dropped off here today and she's gonna stay the weekend. Her bf is staying over tonight...he's pretty cool. We all went grocery shopping and then we hung out at the apt. I went to NBC studios again and recorded the song...God, I hate my voice! haha but it sounds hella tite. I guess I'm proud of myself a lil bit. Lewis took me to Griffith park and we walked through the trains for a lil bit...it was nice just chillin and not having to worry about "things". I guess that's my probably lately...thinking about things too much. But yea, I went to Chrisma's going away party...I was bored for a bit but then I loosened up and talked to Adeste, Cheryl, Norman, Christy, Toni, Clarissa, JP and Chris. It was funny dancing and laughing and singing and just having fun. I figured out tonight that Lewis is right...when people are drunk, the truth comes out. You don't realize it but it does...Adeste said he liked me my freshman year...I thought it was hilarious but yea...I guess he was drunk enough to let that out. A friend of mine told me that he thought I was cute the first time he met me...I guess that's a good thing too.

Drunkness: The state of being too intoxicated to realize one's own actions or speech. Impaired judgement relying completely on unsteady thinking.

I got FPAC tmw so I gotta head to bed...

song of the moment: will I lose my dignity? from rent

Mood: sleepy