SO I was looking at my entries from last year...some words/feelings never fade:
Wednesday, April 09, 2003 :::
When you realize that you are capable of making a change in this world, it is then that you realize that you have the power to make a difference in anything you put your heart into...
I figured that out during today's MCDB clinic. We watched the movie "And the Band Plays On"...it was amazingly compelling and moving...it made me realize why I took my directorship in PCH...I mean, I am not a good director but it was that really strong feeling inside of me that compelled me to take the directorship on. I wish I was a better director but I know I suck...but yea, anyways the movie was awesome...seeing how the world was hooked on the superficial things like looks, reputation, success...it's sad cuz all the while people are dying from AIDS and no one seems to care except those who would rather take less credit than they should be given. It scares me to think that someone close to me can die from this deadly disease at any second...*scary*...perhaps I may die from it...no one is ever safe. *sigh* yea...praying for the cause...
Well, yes, I am still in my weird mood...I just don't understand anymore...I just want to have things go back the way they use to be...I know it's not possible but I sure wish I could just go back to it...I'm still falling when I should be turning away...God, what am I going to do??? I need u to guide me to something...Something good I hope...
Song of the moment: "Journey to the past" Aaliyah
"Home...love...family...I will never be complete until I find you...One step at a time...one hope then another...who knows where this road may go...back to who I was...only to find my future...things my heart still needs to know...yes, let this be a sign...let this road be mine...let it lead me to my past...courage see me thru...heart I'm trusting u...to bring me home at last"
Mood: I'd wish u'd say something...
I wish anybody would say something...
::: posted by Sheena at 9:35 PM
So yea...I find that the hour I have between English and History is a perfect time for free writing...Not very good work but a sorta good try, I suppose...
4/8/03
1:00pm
At the realization of love, everyone becomes a poet...so people say
Emotions are not easily expressed in words but the effort is always put forth for we find that any risk of expression is better than none at all
The only true way to fail at love is to never fully embrace it
...As I have found out incessantly
When love appears, allow it to perform and exit the stage without interruption for it is then that we know IT IS LOVE
Accepting its presence and immersing oneself within it without doubt or hesitation
Unrecognizable at times but strongly felt
...in the endless boundaries of your soul
...in the bottomless pit of your stomach
...the ever fluttering butterflies
...the eerie weakness in the knees
...the heated glow in your eyes and see amongst your blushing face
Feel it in every part of one's being
The sudden awareness that you are no longer an individual but now an "item"...
...a set that is never complete without the pair
Feeling whole and ever-protected when that 'someone' is present
Even the mere thought of them sends one's mind into orbit
...Fireworks! Explosions emitted from this strange love ora that surrounds one and all
Do you feel yourself melting...
Oh, you could possibly die smiling now...
for you have expreienced life's greatest emotion-LOVE
------------------
I could never accept love's entrance cuz there is such an emotion that can match the greatness of it
---Torn and wilted
---Bruised and abandoned
---Loved lost somewhere through time
....The symptoms of a broken heart
The fear of this can leave a person dazed and afraid of the feeling of love
It is easy to say you won't let the fear get the best of you but can you grasp the true concept?
Hypocritical-->Cynical-->Denial
2:40PM
I can't look at you without feeling hurt and wanting to hurt you the way you hurt me
I want you to feel the pain you have inflicted on me only cuz it IS not fair to me now
I opened myself to you only for you to slam your door in my face
closed heart...closed mind
I cared...about you
I hate...you
....there's that small thin line
I shyed away from you cuz you detached yourself from me...so easily
I can't look you in the eyes
I can't look at myself
-->Feeling less of a person
What have yo done to me?
As if you've taken a central integral part of me and threw it away
Why...
Why...
Why...
...can you ever tell me why?
Probably not for you forget so easily...
I'm so lost now and I dislike it with a passion
I blame you, you know...
It is your fault...
endless burdening thoughts weigh me down with every moment that passes...we don't explicate that one moment of bliss...
You've forgotten but I haven't...
I must confess...I was falling hard with no intention of pulling bakc
You had my heart on lock down
You used and abused it...
We had opposing views but I guess that added to the easiness of embracing one another or at least I thought it did
I took things so very slowly only to realize that method doesn't work for me any better than the past ways...
I miss you...
...it is a shame u don't feel the same...
3:20pm
Questioning intentions...
..."what is it that you REALLY want?"
Being honest is never your thing
-Hide behind parsed words
-The ever-veiling semantic games u play
I know what you want and I know what you mean
Stop playing games
Stop playing with my dreams
I'm not stupid
You're a fool for believing I'm a foold
I've played the block once or twice before...I know the rules
True I do get taken in every now and again but I find my way out
Perhaps too late or even too son but I do find my way...
"Bay, if you give it to me, I'll give it to you...I know what you want..."
Do u really?
I doubt it...
Song of the moment: "Anything" acapella version By DNH
Song lyrics: Hello baby
how was your day at work
I bet you're tired
so just sit down
and take a load off for awhile
here's a little back rub
tell me when it gets to be too much
by the way supper's almost done
pre-hook
Oh and I know you're probably thinking
that I've done something wrong
'cause it's been so long
since I've done anything for you like this baby
it's just that I've finally had a day off
to get caught up with the one that I love
hook
I'll do anything you want
do anything you ask
to try to make things easier
you're wish is my command
I'll do anything you want
whatever you desire
and I know it may seem odd
but if you ask me why
I'll tell you why
no particular reason hey
'cause I just felt like doin' somethin' nice for you today
verse 2
let's go upstairs
let me show you what's next
I hope you like it
it's a bubble bath and some wine by candlelight
I'll sponge you down with kisses
then we can do the business
if you want
the night's still young baby baby
pre-hook
you've got my undivided attention
there will be no interruptions
I've unplugged the phone
the nights all yours
I've been so busy and
perhaps it's my fault
but now that I have got some time off
I'll do anything you want
repeat hook
bridge
There's no woman in this world
who can do all the things you do for me
I can never measure up to you girl
but please believe
that I'll try harder to make things easier
to prove I'm worth your time and
make sure I keep you mine oh...
Mood: Wondering if things can be the same ever again...
Irritated that Tina lost and nothing can be done about it...
Wishing I could hit the dance routine perfectly...
