So everything my whole world is upside down, inside out and up in the air...if u don't know what that means...ask me.

I got my haircut today...stupid mistake. I just wanted a trim but it's sorta short now (back to normal). The guy who cut my hair was pretty guapo...smelled like curve.*YUM* My glasses were ready today. haha last time i went there, the guy was hitting up on Rosey...this time he sorta hit up on me...it was kinda gross. But yea...san fran??? We'll see...

Song of the moment: "Let's get retarded" BEP

Mood: Still wondering...

I realized something today...how deep my feelings have developed into...how much I was possibly in **** with u...I say possibly only cuz who knows what the hell **** is anymore. I don't...until I met you or at least the possibility of ****. I was told something today that possibly changes everything. Okay, it really does change everything. I felt my breath get caught in my chest...I felt my heart skip and my head just emptied itself of all thoughts. Except for you...Once again I felt that ominous pain of ****** someone. I broke down into tears today, on more than one occassion only cuz I realized the mistakes I've made and can no longer take back *sigh* I may never cross ur mind but u constantly cross mine. And now, that's all I have left. People could see right through me today...my eyes were so glassy...I was empty inside. I haven't felt that way for a while. *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* where do I go from here?

SOng of the moment: The space between By dave matthews band

Mood: Feeling like shit

I found out something today that I wish I didn't hear...I guess it's more disappointing than anything but dang, it didn't assuage any of my feelings right now. I think it made it worse. AIYAH!

Mood: Wondering why....

So hell continues this week...this heavy burden weighing down my broken heart. Hard to believe that this is my life right now. Amazing enough I'm still in one piece...barely, that is. I guess I look ahead of me and realize that I have hella shit to do but of course, like any other normal person, i choose not to. I wanna stay in bed or anywhere and just sleep...FUCK THE WORLD. Cuz the world has sure fucked me over the past couple of weeks. I still have this horrid cold gnawing at my throat so I'm hella irritated. Where's the smiles??? I don't know anymore...Mai ain't around to hang with...Aiza ain't moving in for a while...Daddy and Rain are at home doing their shit...Francis is on vacation...Art is in Hawaii...George is up north still...and Johnny...yea well, forget him. I can't help but feel soooo lost right now. I can't go out and dance up the night or sing my lil heart out...I can't do SHIT! I am restrained here at the apt. only cuz we have the most bourgeousie subletter in the fucking universe. She freaking complains all the fucking time about the noise...I've been tamed lately and haven't been that loud but shit, I cough the wrong way and i get told to take it my room or something. This isn't an apt. anymore, it's my prison. I can't say shit though...continuously telling myself that it's only a couple more weeks. My mind is going to explode right now...it's frustrating. I just sit on the balcony and just wish I could break down in tears but I stop myself...why let everyone know they got the best of me? It's like my life isn't my own anymore...it has become dependent on so many others. UGHHHHHH! I just wanna scream...kick the wall or just punch something....ugh!

I've been thinking about you lately...I dreamt about u today too...It was an odd dream only cuz I had fallen for someone else, was pregnant and engaged...IT IS ONLY THEN u realize that u have feelings for me...what kind of bullshit is that? I miss u so much...I wish u were here right now and I was laying in ur arms and that u were telling me ur random thoughts...or just holding me knowing that I belong to u for that one second...even if it meant only belonging to u at that one second. I just wanna see ur smile again...it's been days since I've seen it. I haven't been sleeping well only cuz ur still lurking in the back of my mind...If I meant anything to you then you would have called but I know I don't mean that much to you...anymore.

Shit, I've been making mistakes left and right...calling the oddest people and emailing someone not worthy to even speak to. God, I'm lost...help me...Please

It's my dad's bday on friday...the big 54...I don't know what to say

Song of the moment: Time after Time By Cassandra Wilson

Mood: 823ing...the same way...always

This week has sorta been hell for me...I got sick after the retreat and I've been trying to recover since. I had so much time to think about things last weekend and I realized I know what I want, what I can't have, and how I am preventing myself from being happy lately. Sunday night I received two calls from two of the greatest guys I know: Eddie and Jonny. I was so out of it though that I couldn't tell if i was awake or not...not a good thing. But yea...as much I love talking to Eddie I just wasn't awake enough to speak. Jonny called about five minutes later...I tried to stay awake but I couldn't...I swear I blacked out. So yea, that monday he asked me out for Friday...then he called tuesday and told me he couldn't make it friday so how about saturday? In the back of my mind I was screaming: "So, do u think I have nothing else to do??? My schedule revolves around you???" I was rather disgusted but I didn't protest...I mean it still meant I was going to hang out with him. DRAMA...after hella phone tagging we finally went out to get dinner...Olive Garden *eh* but yea...it was nice hanging with him...Okay, so I don't wanna admit that I like him but I do...his lil boyish mannerisms were so cute. Damn, he's cute...no no no...can't like him!!! *sigh* must work on shit now...sleep or something...PAYCE

Song of the moment: "Closer" Goapele

Mood: still feeling a lil lightheaded but mainly tired