kyuriousG: which means more to you to have someone... new year's or valentine's day?
ToTL Pinay: new year's eve or day???
kyuriousG: eve
ToTL Pinay: i wish I had someone when it hits midnight
ToTL Pinay: let's see...
ToTL Pinay: I think new year's eve
ToTL Pinay: valentine's day is just a given...hehe
ToTL Pinay: what about u
kyuriousG: yea im the same way
kyuriousG: valentine's is like a made up holiday
ToTL Pinay: haha for real
ToTL Pinay: i mean it's nice to have someone on either day
kyuriousG: new years everyone is out there
ToTL Pinay: it's just that it's nicer on new years
ToTL Pinay: haha yea...go out the new year in someone's arms and going into the new year's with a kiss

I've been fucking up lately...I need to stop. I think I know what I want now. Letting go of things is going to be hard but I have no choice. You leave me with no choice. I think I should really stick to my new Year's Resolutions this year. Nothing's the same anymore...so why dwell on the past? Why dwell on things that don't matter anymore...people who don't matter...why things didn't work out...

As much as my heart tells me that the feelings are still there, doesn't mean I should continue to care.

I told Rose that there was something big that is gonna happen this year...maybe it's change that's necessary to achieve this...just maybe

I really should stop...

...believing you when u say "i'll call you"...

I stayed in today cuz of u and u didn't call...i missed out on a lot...thanx for nothing

Happy freakin' new years!

excerpt from jonny ngo's page: 12/29/03

what's on my mind tonight? situations. if it's ok to just let things just be and not over analyze anything. i use to be a worrier. stay up late nights thinking about everything. situations that could've been or should be. you can say i've changed a lot of the years. i don't worry anymore. i set the pieces in motion, and enjoy every moment of it... or at least i try to. i'm not sure if it's right... not thinking of 10 minutes ahead of time... but living in the moment. living in the now.

but what if there is a person in your life that you want to spend the now with... that single moment of not worrying about anything else... just that one moment. would you take it? why can't we all just freeze time, not worry about the future, about appearances, about distance, about the past... for one second... nothing matters but that one moment. would you take it and not care about situations?

i want to... but something like that only works when you want to live in that moment too. because that one moment can happen in my mind and heart a million times over... a million times i could live in that moment... if i only had the chance to feel it once. would you give me that one chance... so we can relive that moment forever? you are, and will be, my immortal.

if only it was that simple. it could be. no one said things had to be more complicated than they need to be.

Yeah, i feel ya

Christmas Receiving list

Mai: A Xmas mug with candy, lil bottle of Goldschlager, and a group gift (rose and Aiza) of Hershey bowls and scooper

Johnny: A silver bracelet with a blingin' S

Farida: "that Thing you do" Dvd and a candle w/candle holder

Tita Zita and Tito Jun: $40

Lola and Lolo-$40

Tito Paul: $20

Tita Noemi: $50

Tito Gerry: $50

Arnold: $25

Hero and Hilgard: a scarf from Old Navy

Rio: Brown/tan scarf, blue fleece gloves, and a black dockers beenie

Rain: OG Jordan 3's and a $25 Macy's gift card

Rose: A sushi kit (I haven't gotten it yet =*()

Aiz and Mark: A funky lamp, A cherub photo album, and Shower gel

Janzel: baby blue Angel slippers

family gifts that my daddy let me keep:

A gray fleece Winnie the Pooh and Piglet Blankie from Tital Lorna

Three movie passes from Tita Myrna

Tea and cookie gift set from the Moreno's

Starbucks coffee from Tita Cely

What i really wanted:

My mom...

______...but he doesn't know that

straight A's...(I got straight Bs this quarter: B in Eng, B in Geo, and a B+ in Tagalog)

Rent paid off...dang!!!

To lose weight...hehe but that's of my own doing

A 256mb xd picture card for my fuji camera

An external burner for my laptop

A desk for my room at the apt.

New TV for the living room

some new dvds...don't really know which ones...anything really. i think I still want "Object of my Affection", "finding nemo", any of the ol' Ninja turtles movies

Some new vhs...yes, I still buy these. We have a VCR here at the apt.

A system for my car...even though I like my stock stereo right now...hehe

An Eddie George jersey...any color would do...but I really really really like the red one

A Padres or Giants jersey

A pair of dunks...the orange and brown and tan or the brown and tan or the red, brown, and tan

A nightgown from Vicky secret or Fredericks...yea yea yea, I know...but they're soooo cute and they look comfy

New Gym shoes...my J's have lost their grip

personalized Laker, ucla football and bball jerseys...either one...not all...or all if u can hehehe

A night out w/the friends...dinner and a movie or something

DINNER AT EUROCHOW hehehe =P

My dad's harley sportster!!! hehe I know he really wants it...he'll eventually get it though

A better cell phone...how bout the sidekick? hehe

New hats...beanies...visors...

Exotic decor panels for the living room

Marilyn-style shirts...one in brown or tan...actually any color *except pastels*

Dang, this got out of hand...oh well, it helped me get sleepy at least. It's hella late...or should I say early *3:50am* I'm gonna try and go to sleep now.

If u don't want to...

Remind me not to miss someone and actually tell that person that I have been missing them...thank you, Ron, for reminding me why I don't act out of the norm. Why I act like the defensive bitch that I am...for taking away the only real happiness I've had in a long time. Yes, it is out of the norm for me to call someone up and say "I miss you...I really miss you and I want to see you." Thank you...i will never do that again...so don't worry. Thank you for reminding me why I stopped putting my feelings out there...letting someone know that I cared...I forgot that people shove back my kindness when I actually do behave myself. I don't feel this way often...when I do, it's a good sign. It means that I'm opening up...that I'm letting you in...that I'm trying. Knowing that you couldn't be here tonight killed me even more...put me back in that place...that evil and dark place that guys have put me in, in the past. The tears were excessive, I do admit but knowing that you couldn't be here just put me in a horrible position: I still missed you and no matter what I said or did you won't be here. Am I suppose to turn off those feelings? Then it hurts even worse knowing that there is something sitting on the table right now that I bought for the both of us that I wanted to use tonight...to share with you...only you...I was hoping we could have chilled on the couch and pop on "Love and Basketball" while snuggling under my UCLA blankie and sippin' on hot chocolate. Yes, the thing that I bought tonight was a Hot Chocolate mug set...I saw it and I thought of you...I bought it hoping that when you do come over, you have your own cup...only for you. It doesn't matter...I'm going to return it...I don't want to remember tonight...I don't want to remember that I missed you and that you weren't here to make me forget that restless, disappointing, and despairing feeling. I don't want to remember you right now but I can't help it. I was hoping you were going to be at Johnny's...but u weren't. I was hoping you were going to come over tonight...but you couldn't. I was hoping that when you heard me crying and I hung up that somehow you'd call back and say something to put me at ease...but u didn't. You never do...I can't help but feel like shiz right now...can't help but cry...can't help but just be this way. I hate this...I hate the fact that I'm acting this way...I must really like you. =**( Sad...you'll probably never read this...never know this...never

Song of the moment: Tamar Braxton "If you don't wanna love me"

I stopped by to see you
just the other day
And I wanna say
That I finally realized
the words I love you don't mean a thing

It's so hard for me to see
Because you meant everything to me
But I guess I gotta move on
Even though it hurts I gotta be strong

If you don't wanna love me, don't love me
Don't wanna touch me, don't touch me
Cause I don't want you
To do anything, that you don't want to do

And if you don't wanna miss me, don't miss me
Don't wanna kiss me, don't kiss me
Cause I don't want you to do anything
That you don't wanna do… no

Who would've known that on
The nights that you were working late
All alone I'd lay awake in our bed
Someone else was puttin’ food on your plate

I refuse to believe
that you never ever loved me
I've gotta move on,
our love is gone
And this house is not a home

If you don't wanna love me, don't love me
Don't wanna touch me, don't touch me
Cause I don't want you
To do anything, that you don't want to do

And if you don't wanna miss me, don't miss me
Don't wanna kiss me, don't kiss me
Cause I don't want you to do anything
That you don't wanna do… no

You can be lonely
I don't really care
But didn't have to make me think
That you would be right here
You said that you would be there
So if you don't

If you don't wanna love me, don't love me
Don't wanna touch me, don't touch me
Cause I don't want you
To do anything, that you don't wanna do

And if you don't wanna miss me, don't miss me
Don't wanna kiss me, don't kiss me
Cause I don't want you to do anything
That you don't wanna do

Mood: pretty obivious...

I lie to myself to convince myself that I'm actually happy...

dang, that's hella pathetic

...go away