So yea...last nite was fun...and it sure helped me get my mind off things. I hung out a bit in Mon's and Alina's room before the party. It was funny cuz Jigar was there and u know when Jig is there, they get all loud and crazy. But yea, Kim picked me up in Gen's car and it as cool. We went to her bf's apt. She made hella jello shots. I'm not much of a jello person but yea, I went with the flow last nite. I wasn't even in the door yet and I was already getting jocked by some guys. It was pretty cool *wink wink* haha yea, get my mind off the @**hole here. I started off the night with a jello shot and then I tried, I think, an Irish Carmel? I don't know what it was called really but I think that was what they told me. It's like a mix of Guinness and Bailey's...cup full of Guinness and then a shot of Bailey's. Couldn't drop the Bailey shot in the cup though cuz it was a paper cup hahaha...Frothe but reallllllly goooooooodddd!!! haha I took like a couple more jello shots with some people and then Peter handed me some "punch"...I think it was vodka mixed with something else. It was pretty good cuz it didn't taste like alchohol at all. I was having a great time...half the people that showed up had motorcycles: the racer kinds!!!! Oh man, soooo cute! The girl to guy ratio was good for me...*wink wink* but some of the guys had chix so it was weird a lil. Music was blaring and I was intro'd to Peter's bro's roommate, David. He was a pretty cool guy. Third year biochem or some bio major. He had his left arm in a sling and he told me his lil story of how it happened..."I was at this bar see...and there was a chick and some guy was hitting on her but she wasn't interested and the guy started getting on her case so I stepped up and tapped him on the shoulder and told him, 'hey, what the hell? The girl doesn't like u so step off!'" Yea I figured that was a lie and all so I said, "U know the truth is u fell off ur bed and ur too embarassed to tell me the truth." He told me he'd be straight with me from that point on so he told me the truth: "I was playing at sunset like literally four hours ago and I was playing D on this one guy. I knew he was gonna make a move but for some reason when he did, my body went the other way n my shoulder stayed. It popped twice and I couldn't feel it anymore. It was quivering but I couldn't control it." MMMmmm...a ball player! haha Yea, just my luck. We talked for about an hour and half or at least half the time I was there. The rest of the time I was talking to Charles, yes, that Charles *smile*. He was very fun to hang with. I guess I am kinda good at judging from first impressions and perhaps that is why I liked him since fall. Too bad I found out he has a GF...and haha she goes to Berkeley. Coincidental that it had to be in San Fran but yea. We had fun. I kept pushing him towards Gen and for a while he was grinding on her. haha that was hilarious. I did my lil thang on the dance floor. It was cool...I wasn't drunk...buzzed for the first time. I wanted to push my limits but I couldn't do it cuz I only ate a lil bit at dinner. The alchohol went straight ot my system. BUT DANG WAS IT GOOD!!! Tee Hee...I left early around 1. The cops came right when we were leaving. I rode back with Heidi, her bf, Sav, and Charles. We went to Denny's afterwards n chilled. Got back to the dorms around 2...I was happy last nite and that was good. I needed a pick me up...something to make me smile. I haven't really smiled with that much glee since that one night with George. ECK, don't ask...but yea...I wanted to sleep in today but so many people called me hella early this morning. I got up, ate brunch, and went to the Run thru...I admit, I miss PCN but it's just too much for me. I went to Westside Pavillion after that so I could go look for a dress for the Easter Vigil. It was a bust though...I talked to Mai on the Phone...she so wanted to go to the Party last nite. Man, I swear she needs to break up with her bf...it's not going well anymore. More negatives than positives, I believe. BUt anyways...tonight is father-daughter time. The Martin Nivera/Regine Velasquez concert is tonight...YEA! I may act pissy with my dad but I have to admit, I miss him. He's trying to be a part of my life but the thing is, I don't want to interact that much w/anyone in my life. I'm just having to decide things on my own...be on my own and make my own way. I miss Rain too but it's weird cuz I feel the only time he talks to me is when he needs something from his lil Sis..."buy me this...pleez...I'll pay u back." That's all I ever hear anymore...I like being here in the dorm alone for the weekend. It's like, freeing, I guess. I can relax and not have to be like...oh, Hey,yea, I'll lower my music blah blah blah. I have so much on my mind right now. I guess it's given that I need this time for myself. Especially since it seems I've lost my "guy friend" who I admit I miss but I'm feeling dissed at the same time..u know? I wanna walk around campus but I don't think i should...maybe I'll nap.

Song of the moment: "I know what you want" Busta Rhymes feat. Mariah Carey

Lyrics: Baby if u give it to me, I'll give it to u...I know what you want...

Mood: Satisfied...to an extent

if melody
is my destiny
then what's left of me,
i'll give to you..
and if next to me,
is all that you need to be
would you settle for fantasy,
if it's the best you could do?

can I have my cake?
can i have you too?
would you follow me?
if i asked you to?

would the world between us,
break these ties?
we worked so hard
to realize..
can a postcard say,
what i see in your eyes?

could i ever break away?

would i be satisfied,
and find peace inside
rolling half my life
over broken white lines?

can i have my cake,
can i have you too?
would you follow me,
if i asked you too?

will i wake up one morning,
and see your face
and the streaks on the window,
that the rainstorm makes?
could you bear all the waiting,
and the strength that it takes?

could i ever break away?
could i ever break away?

can i have my cake?
can i have you too?
would you follow me?
if i asked you to?

would the world between us,
break these ties?
we worked so hard to realize..
can a postcard say,
what i see in your eyes?

could i ever break away?
could i ever break away?
away...
away..
~John Mayer "Break away"

Y do I write these blogs? I ask myself that everytime I write one...do I expect for someone to read it...or is it for myself? I mean, I write these so I have a recollection for myself...but at the sametime there is always someone I wish that would read it and realize what they are doing to me, what they have done to me, or even what I desire for someone to do for me...I could hold back so much in my blogs if I knew people actually read it but I feel no one does so perhaps I am safe. Speak my mind so freely that it echoes against the mountains...I am waiting for Genivieve to pick me up so I can get away from this place...go away from this hellish place. I want to just let loose so much but there is this heavy weight on my shoulders that won't get lifted until things are settled but I don't wanna do it. I choose not to do it...it was so easy to get attached but to let go, isn't that always the most difficult thing to do? I can simply fall without a doubt but to forget, how can I ever do that? I ask myself time to time, "why do I bother with these people?" This deep desire to be with someone...to be wanted in this life just has this huge influence over me and I find myself stuck. Why can't I escape this? I want to just break free of it so much...I'm passing things by cuz of this stupid thing. Why GOD? I don't understand why now...why this...why me??? I love u with all my heart but sometimes I just don't understand why I get stuck in this position and when I turn to u...it seems like u toy with me. Look how messed up I am right now...I can barely think of anything anymore...I don't wanna shed one tear over this but I have no other outlet of showing how I feel. I feel so used...played...betrayed. Even enlight of recent events with Cynthia's death, I still choose to cower in my depressive state just so I wouldn't have to deal with anything. Just end it...quickly please...no more stupid nights of wondering is all that I ask. No more painful feelings in the heart. Just contentness again, the way i was before this all happened. Before it all began, before it messed up my whole life.

Mood: Unsure what anything means anymore...

So when u avoid things...U have a lot of time to think. I've said this before only because it's true. It's good to take time out for urself just to think and all but what does that entail? Life passes by so quickly and I know I take it for granted just thinking that there is a tmw when in actuality there may not really be one. There has been so many deaths in the past week...many of those who are among the same age as me give or take a couple years. Who is to say that I will have another day to live out. I have yet to accomplish anything real...of a certain type of success. High school is a faded memory where the accolades were piled up one on top of the other; their meanings and value seem to be diminishing with so many other things in my life. Here at UCLA I have become but just another face...I want so much right now...all that cannot be achieved within one hour...one night...one day...It saddens me that people like Peter Santos or Cynthia Rabuy had to go so early in their lives...to yet fulfill so many dreams. It puts things in perspective for me and makes me question why I am acting so childish. Why I am living with veiled eyes right now...not wanting to smile or be happy cuz I thought only one thing could do that and right now, I don't have that. I have many things going for me right now but I don't want to accept it all. Decision after decision and yet I won't make them cuz that means time is passing me by and WE ARE WASTING IT. These emotions inside have a funny way of tearing and messing me up. I fear that the people in my life will never really know how much I care about them...I fear that they may never have the chance to say it back...I fear that I will never meet "the one"...I fear that I will never graduate from this place...I FEAR..."Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them."~Marilyn Ferguson
Still searching for a real dream...a real reason to be me...a reason to be anything.

Song of the moment: "Sorry Song" Brian mcknight filipino version

Song lyrics: "Mga gabing nag-iisa sa'yong pag-tulog
Gising ka pa at di dalawin ng antok
Mga tanong sa isip mong walang sagot
Nasasaktan ang puso mo't nalulungkot

Chorus:
Im so sorry, kung ano man ang nagawa
And im sorry, hindi naman ito sinasadya
Im so sorry, pangarap di nagkatugma
Kung nasaktan man nga kita yo'y di sinasadya

Maraming bagay na sayo'y nilihim at tinago
palagi na lang na di mag-kasundo
at sa bawat maling nagawa ko sa yo'y nag-sisi
Masakit ang nitong pangyayari

Ikaw ay masaktan, ika'y minamahal
Ipagpatawad mo sana, kung puso mo'y nasaktan
Sa puso ko di ka mawawala kailan pa man
Sana ay ipagpatawad na lang.

Mood: Wondering where I'm headed...are we gonna meet up again

Sad thing...the day started off with a eerie feeling. I guess I know y...Cynthia Rabuy...sound familiar? Yea, crazy...she's gone...I remember her from last year...the Samahang stuff. Scary...LA and the crazy drivers...a DRUNK driver. Makes u realize even further how precious life is. She was a fifth year on the verge of getting out of here. No one would have ever guessed that would be the last time they would say bye to her or "I'll call u later".

Rest in Peace Sweet Cynthia...

Mood: Celebrating a life...

When it seems the world gets me down...it keeps me on my toes...LITERALLY! Tonight Trevor taught us his dance routine for the sproul talent show...yea, I decided to be in it. I can get the steps if I really really practice. I have the jist of it down right now...but it's no where near perfect. That was fun just getting away and laughing and smiling at my silliness. I played ball with Gabe. Yup, a couple of games of HORSE. Seemed weird for me at first playing at Sunset and with Gabe just cuz it became George and my game...I guess. But let's not go there. I beat Gabe, three games to ONE. haha Nick, Luke, and Alex came at that point. It was great. A lil three on two action. Couldn't believe that Luke could shoot like that. A lil travelling and hella fouling but other than that, a good valiant effort. Alex, haha wow, totally Asian at Heart. He gots game! Nick...ugh, I hate when he drives on me like that. And Gabe, I got kinda down when he said to leave me open cuz I can't shoot. I don't know why, it just hurt me...probably cuz of my state of mind right now. It isn't so great as anyone can tell. It was easy to remember and integrate _____ in my life but now, forgetting is even more difficult...painful, indeed. But it has to be done in order to move on. I'm trying to figure out Dormal things...no date for sure...so gotta find one. Christian? I don't know if I should or shouldn't ask....it's kinda weird cuz of the age difference but I think it'd be fun. Having a lil pretty boy as a date...haha that's gonna be funny. Hmm...too bad Rain doesn't talk to Alain anymore. *wink wink* yea yea! haha Let's see, who else can I ask...I don't know. I really don't feel like asking but it's my last chance to go to Dormal...gotta make it memorable. I thought I was gonna make it memorable with someone but that's the hugest doubt in the world...I feel very used right now. I should have been more weary but it just felt right. The stereotypes of Filipino guys is true...indecisive...Players!!! Always lookin for more...*sigh* yea...I keep getting hurt and I blame myself...I should not risk it anymore. Play it always safely...I really seriously can't take it anymore...I was perfectly fine without any guys in my life and then God throws me a curve ball and there u were...day and night...U came out of no where...YYYYYYYYYY???? I just don't get it anymore...just when u think everything is fine...it isn't...Ain't that always the case?

Just when I’m feeling like we’re getting closer
Lady, you turn around and drift apart
And now you got me in a state of confusion
I just don’t understand what we are Oh yeah
Tell me girl exactly what it is that you’re doing
I know you’re feeling my company
But is that all I am to you?
Kicking back with someone new
Is that all that you want...?

Say that you don’t care and I’ll walk away
Say you don’t give a damn and I won’t stay
But if you feel the same way that I feel
Girl you gotta show it [show it]
Cause girl I wanna know it.

It's that simple...but the words will never be said...and sadly I have to accept that. Give up and give in and realize it's over. Forget him, he's a jerk...or am I the jerk blowing this out of proportion. I have enough problems...I just need to get out of here. Far FAR FAR away...Get involved with PCH more...RCIA...Choral...Intramural sports...working out...SCHOOL...Talent show...FAR FAR FAR AWAY FROM U!!! I have an 8 am class...I should go to bed...good nite

Song of the moment: "Because I love you" DnH

Song lyrics: There was a time when I used to run away
Anytime I started to fall
Cause loves never been very kind to me, no baby
Not very kind at all
Until you
You stole my heart away
Somehow you helped restore my faith
And something I thought wasn’t for me
Now comes so easily
Because I love you

You’re the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Because I love you
(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I’m ready to spend my whole life with you
Cause I love you (Yes I do)

I never thought in a million years
That I could feel the way that I feel, no
How I get butterflies (get butterflies)
Whenever your lips touch mine
I must confess my dear
That it was instantly right from the start
A special bond between you and my heart
How it skips a beat whenever our eyes meet
And simply said the reason being
Because I love you

You’re the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Cause I love you
(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I’m ready to spend my whole life with you (I’ll say it again)
I love you (Yes I do)

Girl I know there’ll be differences we have along the way
Where our views may not always be the same
But I swear I’ll try
To hear out your sigh
And compromise cause I realize
That with you I wanna spend my life
Because I love, love....

You’re the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Because I love you...
(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I’m ready to spend my whole life with you
Girl it’s all because I love you...

Mood: Searching for comfort in practically anything...Vulnerable as heck! *frown*

Within a mere half an hour...a million thoughts raced through my mind after English and before History...Thoughts I could barely put into words but I surely did try
12:55pm:
I'd rather forget the one single moment of bliss just to have an ounce of my dignity back
I'm not proud of myself or even feel clean anymore
I have a mind full of pain
and a heart full of disgust
I'm feeling it
Hardcore madness with the abundance of distrust lingering
I'm hatin on you cuz you can easily detach yourself from me
...from the world itself
Forget you then...it really wasn't worth this stupid shiz that I'm going through now
Making me think
...wonder
...CARE!!!
Is it fair?
...no, not really...but nothing ever is especially for me
Losing sleep over a fool like you...
...or is it a fool like me?
I beg to differ but choose not to only cuz I have wasted enough endless moments trying to figure out anything
JUST LEAVE...Just LEAVE...just leave...
...leave me alone

1:06pm:
Sitting here all by myself watching as each person passes me by
-Just like so many others that have entered my life
Searching the crowd of faces for yours
-of course you're no where to be found
I see the couples walking hand in hand
-the occassional stolen kiss
...How sweet...
Can u blame me for missing you...
...Hating u (?)
...wishing in my wilted lil heart that you were here with me right now
i can't help it...I'm thinking about you
The more I fight it the more you are thrown in my path
...i hate it...
What happened to the friendly smiles, soft laughs, and gentle caresses...
...between us...
Or should I be asking myself, "What 'us'?"
No one notices me...
...I thought u had...
I'm wrong, I always am...
A fading smile is all you can see on my face
...a deteriorating radiance in my eyes...
...What's the point anymore?
U don't seem to care...
...I wanna do the same...but I'm not like u...I have never
In love...No!
Infatuated...perhaps
Hurt...yea, definitely
...Who knows anymore...I know I don't
I've failed again...though I thought this time would be different
Did I hold on too tight when I should had let u go?
Did I not say what needed to be said?
Or am I just seriously that naive...credulous...STUPID...???
Fooled into believing in something when in actuality it was all nothing...
I don't wanna try anymore when it feels as though I'm the only one holding on...to anything
...to everything
I've wasted myself on u...
...wasted...

Song of the moment: "Don't wanna try" Frankie J

poem of the moment: UNWRITTEN LAW
Interesting how we fall in love:
in my case, absolutely. Absolutely, and,
alas, often--
so it was in my youth.
And always with rather boyish men--
unformed, sullen, or shyly kicking the dead
leaves:
in the manner of Balanchine.
Nor did I see them as versions of the same thing.
I, with my inflexible Platonism,
my fierce seeing of only one thing at a time:
I ruled against the indefinite article.
And yet, the mistakes of my youth
made me hopeless, because they repeated
themselves,
as is commonly true.
But in you I felt something beyond the
archetype--
a true expansiveness, a buoyance and love of
the earth
utterly alien to my nature. To my credit,
I blessed my good fortune in you.
Blessed it absolutely, in the manner of those years.
And you in your wisdom and cruelty
gradually taught me the meaninglessness of that term.
-Louise Gluck

Mood: realizing the fun is over...

Y bother anymore when it seems like they are pushing u away...I don't know...I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Where I thought I've found somewhere to stay, the more it seems I'm never welcome. It hurts and I feel like crying about it. I feel like hitting the track or shooting hoops or any other sport to get my mind off it. I want to go clubbing and just dance and freak random guys all in the name of good fun cuz I'm tired of being cooped up in this horrid state of mind with these people who seem to ignore me. People know I have a good heart and I suppose that's what leads me to trouble. I give more than I can ever get back and I guess I expect more than the bare minimum...if it is fair...then so be it...but I know I don't deserve it all the time but I know I deserve it a lil. I don't know...I feel like I'm gonna lose a lot this quarter...whether it is friends, information, or anything...I just know it'll slip through my fingers like it always does.

I worked out at Hedrick today...by myself. As I crunched and lifted and pumped...I thought to myself, who am I even doing this work out for anymore...me or them? Y bother trying to be thin again or in shape when I feel like it's only to please others? Do I fear that if I get any larger that I will lose out on a relationship...maybe I've already lost and I just don't know it. I don't know...I honestly don't know...how can it be possible that I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people. How is it that I feel like I'm losing YOU? I'm losing my grip on reality already and it's only first week...nothing strenous yet but still I feel like I've been through hell and back. Maybe I should just go home this weekend and seek guidance...maybe talk with my mom or something. I have nothing to focus on because it seems like I'm doing everything for no one and all for nothing. Y does it hurt so much, God? What have I done to feel this way? I realize my mistakes and I am truly trying to change but it is so hard to keep it up when I feel like I have no one...I know I'm over reacting again but sheesh, why is my life getting so screwy now??? I wish u would find it in ur heart to forgive me for these wrongs and give me something to look forward to...anything at all...I don't wanna care for someone who does not care back so pleez, no more weird situations. I have had enought o last me a lifetime. Find it in ur heart to give me ur love and strength.

Song of the moment: "Somewhere I belong" Linkin park

Lyrics: "(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong"

Mood: Wishing everyone would disappear unless they had something really important to say to me

Do u ever get the feeling that someone is ignoring ya? I don't know, I'm getting that odd vibe...from someone right now...I don't know, maybe I'm over analyzing or reading into something that isn't really there. I don't know...it seems like 2 weeks of avoidance. Shoot, someone should bring it up since it did happen, but I don't wanna be the one. I don't know what came over me that night but it happened and I can't take it back though I wish I can so I wouldn't be wondering if it changed things...*sigh* here I go messing up again. I already lost someone during break, I can't be losing u too...Questioning myself, "was it really worth it?" I don' t know anymore. I took a risk and let it go and now I'm paying the price through patience.

I called Mike today...I had the sudden urge to after talking with maria yesterday. It slipped my mind that he's in the Navy and all...I'm rather worried now. I mean I don't love u anymore but doesn't mean I am not ur friend still. I don't know what I'd do if I lost ya...I lost u as my bf and as my love...losing u as a friend would hurt worse. His mom picked up his cell...scary cuz she told me he won't be back til september. His birthday is in September...coincidentally it's September 11th...*frown*...what can I say, no one really loses a place in my heart.
Maria went to basic training today...left for Chicago. It's so strange cuz I never took maria as the type to join the Air Force but there she is now at a new place trying a new thing. My prayers are with her just as well as with Mike and Shaun. God, protect them and bring them home safely.

My Knee has been acting up lately...I know it's tore up but I didn't think that it was this tore up...pain so agonizing that I slept hella early last nite. I hope it goes away cuz I need to work out and I got intramural going on next week...Yea, games!!!

It's coming down to the wire...three more weeks til I get my sacraments. I have reconcilliation next week...scared cuz I know i've sinned...they are forgivable but they still happened nonetheless and will not be erased from my memory. I'm such a bad person *frown*...I'm trying to change, really I am! No one ever said it'd be easy but I'm getting there...

Song of the moment: "Why Georgia" Live version by John Mayer

"Fold me up...take me out...I'm portable...fold me up...take me out...I'm portable...Out here we have anything we want...anything we want at all..."

Mood: In Pain in more ways then one...*frown*

Something I found in the back of my notebook from last quarter...
People have sen the effect you have had on me lately...yea, I can't deny it-you've got me in a happy mood. What could it be? I could probably list a few...
Given it's only been a couple days...a couple of hours...mere moments of randomness...
Okay, I admit, I like you but at the same time i don't want to like you.
Something about you just gets to me and I fall weak...my stomach churns and this smile appears. That's something I just can't shake...dang, what have you done to me?
I want to scream out loud and say it bluntly, "do you like me?"
I hate to play games cuz I play to win. If I don't know what's going on, I can never win...

Eh, words spew from my mind a lot...writing is the outlet. Confused...yea, that's me...always and forever will be but I guess that's the risk I have to take in order to find out what is real and what isn't anymore. It seems like everything has been slipping through my grasp and it is mainly at my fault. I hate to say that...I don't know what's wrong anymore...what to do to settle these problems and make things right again. I'm so afraid that there isn't anything I can do to make things right...the more I'm trying the more I am failing at this...that hurts me so much right now. How can i fight when I don't know who is my enemy? Perhaps my enemy is myself and therefore I will never see...I will be blinded by my own faults and never truly grasp them. *sigh* yes, I am doomed. Tmw I will try and grasp what I can...today is over...I can forget about today now...

Song of the moment: Frankie J "Don't wanna try"

lyrics: "Don't wanna try...don't wanna try...don't wanna try no more...Don't wanna try...don't wanna try...don't wanna try no more...I can't believe you had the nerve to say the things you said...they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship...I can't believe it, 4 years gone down the drain...How I wish things would have happened so differently...I tried to say this many times but still u wouldn't see...u kept insisting and resisting that you would not fall again...and now ur trying to tell that ur sorry and ur trying to come back home...ur telling me u really need me, crying begging both knees are on the floor...baby, I Don't wanna try...don't wanna try...don't wanna try no more...u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door...Don't wanna try...don't wanna try...don't wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things that felt bad that where we both begin to cry...Don't wanna try...don't wanna try, I'm just sad enough...it's been a rough road baby just let it go...Don't wanna try...don't wanna try...don't wanna try no more what's the use when all we do is hurt our love..."

Mood: Aching knees and calves....mind's in another state of mind...JUST DON'T WANNA TRY NO MORE!!!

Bay area is my second home...I claim that now and forever! No matter what I do up there, whether it's watching a dvd at my cousins' home or going out to eat in the oddest places or ghost hunting...I always seem to find myself loving the area more and more. I still wish in a part of my heart that I went to Berkeley cuz it just seems like a place I belong. Anyways, Chris and I got manicures and pedicures on Sunday and then we left at 2:30 that morning. We arrived in the bay area about 8 to 9 cuz there was traffic on the 580. U know what we noticed, why is it that nearly all hwys and freeways up in the bay end in 80? I don't know...just a thought. But yea, we went to union square our first day...pretty cool, I guess. All I bought was some undies at Express. Saw this tight Jordan jersey at Niketown but they didn't have my size...DARN! But yea, the square itself was closed down cuz of protesters to the war and stuff. yea, scary shiz. My cousins took Chris and I to City Beach...it's like a big Rec type place. Has rock climbing, bball, hyperbowling, pool, a bar, etc...pretty cool. I met some of Jess's friends there: Scott, Orvin, Ryan, another Ryan...of course Ed was there. Yea it was fun...Ryan is hilarious. We played hyperbowl for hella days...lol, emily is hella good at it. Yea, the next morning Chris and I took pix at Excel...they came out pretty good. We went shopping for what seems like days and then we went to Berkeley. Dang, haha me and Chris spent hella money...think I spent my paycheck lol. Yea, but it was all good. We both went to my other cousin's place in newark afterwards. Steve was trying to figure out something for us to do that night but we didn't figure out anythin' to do. We went back to Jess and jen's afterwards...we ended up watching Swim Fan and Sweet Home Alabama. I didn't get to watch all of it though...I fell asleep on Ed. Yea, there's pix of me doing so...haha Yea yea, get off my back. There ain't anything going on there! haha Next morning Jess, Jen, Chris, and I talked around the dining table for like four hours before we actually took off to eat and then we went to Ian's house and chilled...afterwards Ed took us to eat at University Chicken or what use to be called Cluck U. Good shiz but dang, fills ya' up. We were suppose to go clubbing that night but we didn't go. Instead Jess, Jen, Ed, Ian, Chris, Ryan, Dat, and I went to Ocean Beach for a bonfire at like 12 at night...it was pretty fun. We put make up on Ryan in the car on the drive there. He's a heavy sleeper for sure! Pix will be posted from my trip later when I get pix back and/or when I scan some. Last day in San Fran we didn't do much but probably go out to eat and then we visited Ian at work then we went to Orvin's to pick up Maid in Manhattan and we went back home to watch it. Then clubbing at Backbeat and then Chris drove home...it was a odd night for me cuz I acted stupid and I feel hella bad about it still. I'll make it up to u guys, SWEAR! We ate at Denny's afterwards...it sux cuz technically it was Friday so no meat...haha that was funny making up our own menu. Fun times...I never like leaving the Bay but yea, had to head back for reality. Chris and I got back to LA in 4 and a half hours. It was cool...figuring out where her retreat was at. Yea...I went home that day and I hung out at GHS for a while after running some errands. Talked to Hernandez and Tim...rapid changes are up ahead...whoa. Yea, well, Today was the PCH Spring retreat...we drove to Vegas for the day...very funny times. We lost Mariefe within 5 minutes of arriving there. We didn't realize she was missing til we looked at the group picture we took after arriving there 20 minutes afterwards. Yea, we had constant roll call checks after that. But yea, we ate at Spice Market in Aladdin. Good shiz man! But dang, diet really needs to go into affect soon...well, that was my only meal for the past day and a half so it's cool. We walked around for hella days looking for the connecting trams but they were all closed. I won a teddy bear in New York New York on my first try so I didn't have to spend much on trying to win something. I really wanted to go to Circus Circus only cuz it's my fave hotel on the strip...family memories from way back in the day. That didn't happen though...we left for home at like 8 something. I've been here in LA since like 12:30 and i can't sleep. Good thing I don't have class tmw...*sigh* time to start a new quarter and get into the swing of things...God, be with me and mom, give me ur strength

Song of the moment: "Closer" Goapele

Lyrics: "Closer to my dreams...let me know the way...I'm getting higher...closer to my dreams...I'm geting higher and higher...feeling it in my sleep...sometimes it feels like I'll never gonna pass u...sometimes I feel like I'm stuck forever...ever...but I'm going higher...closer to my dreams"

Mood: Wondering what tmw holds for any of us...