On a tawny front...

On the brink of another paper due I find myself thinking to myself...wondering if I'm making another mistake in my life or for once, doing something right. I watch you as you sleep and wonder to myself what I would I do if I were in your position. Your stories tonight make me wonder about the lil incidents in my life and it makes me wonder too, what would have happened if things worked out with the others...would I have ever met you...then I wonder, do you regret me...it's not easy being in my position...so many things and the fact that I'm not the type of person you go out with makes me want to cry...I'm below everyone you have ever dated and that makes me hurt inside...makes me unable to look into your eyes...makes feel unworthy to be yours...

I come home to a dirty apartment...enough said...

I think I'm just looking for a reason to get mad...*sigh* I'm just so frustrated right now...

As I was lying in my sleeping bag last night I started to think about my life again and trying to focus on the good and why I am doing things...what will come of it all? I always force things to try and make it comeo ut the way I like and the truth of the matter is, that isn't how I should go about my business. It's so hard for me to let things happen...just to go with the flow and no matter how many times I address it and try to go the opposite way, I never do. Maybe someday I'll be able to move forward and try things out...I'm scared of the outcome of this year...will it be good or bad? For the first time in my life I am in a committed relationship that is slowly but assuringly moving upwards...my responsibilities are on the rise...my involvement is slowly moving as well. I have never been good with change and as things move forward I can feel myself dragging my feet only cuz I'm not sure if I am ready. Do you think I'm ready? I just don't know....can you see me in a position of authority??? NO...yeah, I'm not one of those people. I'm trying though...and although I'm not as strong as others, I'll keep fighting.

I know I have to do it but I just don't know how...

this week will be the test for me...out of my 3 yrs here at UCLA I have never really faced conflicting asns due within days of one another...two papers this week...finishing banquet stuff...shakespeare performance...I'm putting a lot on myself. I'm doing my paper right now for History but part of me just keeps thinking up new ideas for the slideshow!!! ARGH! Ron won't be here this week and when he's not around I get really bitchy! ARGH! I just wanna sleep! Ron saw the sad part of me this past Friday...I broke down crying. I just don't know...can I do all this? I want this banquet to be perfect...all the seniors deserve something amazing and right now my creativity is not at par. The venue is awesome, I just wish my ideas will do it justice. It hit me tonight as I was walking to church that it is 8th week. I'll be saying good bye to people in less than 3 weeks...and what sux is I don't have the time to say my good byes the way I want to. Even with this 3 day weekend I won't be able to do everything. UGH! What do u do? Thinking to myself...trying to comprehend...trying...just trying...*sigh* I need a pick me up...