God, I think u like to give and take from me a lot...

so today was cool...I freaked out after a while realizing that I haven't been very thorough on my studying...I woke up two hours later than I wanted to...and then I ended up taking another half hour nap after an hour or so...I just couldn't concentrate. U totally don't understand how much I am anticipating this trip...how I need to get away and hide from the life I know...from the people I associate with ALL THE TIME! I don't mean to be rude like this but honestly, I need a change. Nothing right now is keeping me wanting to stay here...well maybe, Eddie and I going to disneyland...and aiz and rose and farida and mai being here...I don't know...I just think that I'll be paying more than just my respects this weekend...I'm going to say good bye to THINGS in general. I think after this week things will be more clear. Maybe i'll understand what I want...who I want...why I want...

Anyways, my final wasn't too bad today. It took me like twenty mins to finish. THe funky part about this day was the fact that Tyler Ebell was checking my ass out in class again...haha yea, the football player. hehehe it's so hilarious cuz my bro wants his jersey...jorge would probably be like...hehe yea...So yea, I dress up on days that I feel like shiz...dressing up makes me feel better somehow cuz if I'm gonna go down, might as well look good. SO I put on a tan mini skirt, a black cut up v-neck tank and my long black cardigan jacket. I had my long hair straight flowin and med. size hoop earrings. It was nice to turn some heads today...made me feel pretty especially since tyler couldn't take his eyes off me. hahaha After my test, Mark and Rose and I went to 3rd st...fun stuff...bought a couple things and then we headed over to hooters to hook up with Art, JJ and his friends. It was fun...of course Art, JJ and company got pitchers of beer while Mark, Rose, and I sipped on our non-alkies. It was fun...reminisced about my bday party...told the waittress it was JJ's bday. So he had to dance on a very unstable stool in front of everyone. I bought both Art and JJ the hooter's playing cards and I got JJ a pic with the hooter's girls. It was fun...then Art drove back with us...took hoosie home...Art entertained both Rose and I with his piano playing. I LOVE GUYS WHO PLAY PIANO!!! It's just so romantic. It's coo that art was playing for us...he can sing too so it made the night even more fun. He always has that certain way of putting a smile on my face...either it's with his antics, his words, his singing, or his pick up lines...I love the hell out of Art. SOOOO...Art, JJ, and I went out to the movies and we watched HONEY. SO yea, JEssica alba can't act ghetto for shit..hehe that michael ellis guy too!!! hehe that was funny...or just fun...I don't know...we had fun reciting stupid lines from the movie. I'm gonna go knock out...i gotta write my paper...YUCK!!!

Song of the moment: that jadakiss song from the movie

MOOD: I love my friends...they always make me feel better

A special smile...a certain touch...I never had a love that I loved so much...u came and answered my every prayer...turn the page, u were there...

That Aaliyah song always hits a crazy spot in my heart that makes me remember all the special people in my life. The more I anticipate my escape the more I feel like I'm turning my back on people. I'm running away from my world and enterin my safe haven and I certainly can't wait. *sigh*...*big deep breath in* *big deep breath out*...Ron, u've been on my mind lately...I know I'm being soooo difficult with u...to u...whatever. I don't know why I am but I am and I am realllllly sorry. I want things to work out but then again...the lil things bug me. I never use to be so high maintenance...i still don't see myself that way but I guess it just appears to be that way cuz of distance. Obstacles with seeing each other...yea, I'm busy but yea, u don't have the time right now to come see me. This is the worse time of the year for me...the time when I really need someone to be around...and yea, I was hoping it'd be u but u just can't always be there with me. I don't know if it is ur intention to be like that or not but I take what i see...and what I see is u not here. I get a lil pissy (okay, very pissy) when I don't get my way. U kinda spoiled me from the beginning so I've been expecting u to step it up even more...and for me, that's an expectation u can't fill right now. The friend I often refer to in my journal...I think ur worried about him...well more like he and I. I don't see the problem really...haven't u ever had a friend that u fell for but it could never be cuz they didn't feel the same or the time wasn't right or something was just holding u apart? That's what he means to me...he's that friend that's been there for me...always...even when he couldn't be there with me...he was there with me somehow...he'd find a way. he still does...I'd like to say I don't care what u think cuz I don't give up friends for anyone but then that's me being selfish again and stupid and hard headed. I tried to say something to u tonight but it seemed like u didn't want to hear it...I tried to call u after my shower but I think u went to bed. Yes, I am a busy girl...I have a lot of friends...most of them guys. Some are my exes...some aren't...nonetheless, they are my friends. We're not together...and remember, u said it urself, u don't even know if we're dating or not and u like not having anything defined...u like the pace we're going at. If something is up, I'll let u know but right now...I'm letting whatever happen, happen. I'm goin to the bay this weekend...whatever happens, happens...I mean within reason but yea...we haven't opened up to one another yet about the lil things and when that does happen...and when u can see me more or u actually let me go to u...then u can give ur two cents on my outings. I'm a big girl...I ain't trying to fuck around with people cuz that's how people have screwed me over in the past. I'm looking for something real...

I've wasted enough time typing out this shit...i hate having to explain myself all the time...ARGH...gotta study for my final...

Song of the moment: "because of you" keith martin

Mood: I told u not to fuck with my smile...damn, when am I gonna get it back now???

Just give the lil lady a shot...sheesh...Hypnotik would be nice

I slept like a baby last night...I guess I'm excited about getting away from LA for a while...sad why I have to but then anticipating relaxation. I've been soooo tense the past couple of weeks about life in general. i think going somewhere other than home is avoiding my real probs but I feel like I need the escape from life...imagine...OH just imagine!!!

Recall...when we were tight! You've been that dependent smile I have needed when I needed one. Remember?

Glazed over daze...pearly white smile...a warm embrace...yea...I remember still...I miss it.

Words hurt just as much as actions do

I hurt someone with my words from last night...I'm sorry...u now who u are. ::Hugs:: I write what I write when i feel it. I never second guess my feelings...I just go with them. Perhaps that's why I'm so up and down...I feel what I feel when I feel it. Too bad we ain't gonna be seeing each other for a while...good and bad thing, I guess. Anyways, 823'd about u today...I'm sorry today sucked ass...wish i could have made it better for u but hey, that's how things go...get some sleep, tmw is a new day...::kiss good night::

Today was an alright day...woke up late...went out with Rose...did a lil shoppin and wrappin gifts and stuff...argh...I barely studied...I played ball with George...drama with the famz but it's all good. I'm gonna use this trip up north for a means to say good bye and also a means to relax...wish eddie luck on his finals and stuff...hang with the family...u know how it goes...but yea...shit hit me a lil bit tonight so I went and played ball...I WON! hehe I had to say it...Started the year well and I'm gonna try and end it that way. ONE MORE FINAL and ONE MORE PAPER...I'll be done...I'll be done!!! Whatever happens on this trip to the bay...yea well...u know me...fun fun fun! I have every intention on having my fun...

Lewis gave me armbands today...THANX LEWIS!!! A sweet gift for no reason...it's what I needed. ::SMILE:: Look, I'm smiling! hehe I hope u liked ur xmas gift...I wanted to do something more special but I saw it and I just knew u had to have it...I love you!

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately...sorry!!! Maybe I'm getting my period...who knows...but yea, I truly apologize for being the uber bitch that I am...hehe

Song of the moment: Forgot the name of the song but it's track number 16 on the Kings of Crunk CD

Hoosie: "You mean u guys slept on ur bed...but wasn't it like *starts thrusting her upper body forward and back*"

Umm...she was depicting how my bed shakes...hehe:-D

GLUCK FARIDA, AIZA, HOOSIE, CHRISTINA, AND GEORGE ON UR FINALS TMW!!!!

Mood: Don't take this smile off my face...It was hard to get this time around...i don't know how long I can keep it....

Sigh...someone save me
I have too much on my mind and the sad part...none of it deals with my academics...it's finals week and I don't care anymore...argh!!! I'm gonna go play ball..argh!!!

Sometimes I wish Jonny Ngo was talking about me..."it only takes one second... one second to let someone know that they mean something to you... it only takes one second to give someone a smile.

................

i saw the moon tonight, didn't look, but saw. it was bright, full, directly above me... just out of reach, but never too far for me. angel, i saw the moon because i wanted to see you, to be reminded that we sit under the same moon. it's your moon, just out of reach, but will never be too far for me.

................

intelligence in a girl is just so sexy

................

i feel inspired...

you define...

joyous elegance"

Did u read that people?!?!? It only takes a FREAKIN' SECOND!!! SAY HI!!! That's all I freakin' ask...acknowledge I'm alive...dang, i'm soooo depressed...I HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR

I have a story for you, but it has no beginning and no end. This story I speak of has many characters involved and much...it is a part of us...

Tonight...I reflected on the past again...memories that ron made me remember. Perhaps he didnt mean to dig into these hurtful memories but unfortunately he did...It's three in the morning...near...I can't sleep. I cried tonight...the tears welt up in my eyes as I hung up the phone...all because I remembered and then I realized I was alone...I'm always alone. I cried while staring at the drawing I had drew in the journal I made for G____. Looking into the eyes and seeing that same lone face staring back at me. I shudder to think that I really am putting all myself into that journal hoping that he'd like it and perhaps will also take part in it...make himself become alive amongst those blank heavy pages. I saw the eyes continuously become more and more blurry because of my tears...and then I heard them...I turned and saw them hugging, enjoying each others' company and then I realized again...I am alone. Ron, u asked me tonight about how the guys are treating me...and it's painstakingly obvious...u should have asked, what guys...it always hurts me to realize that no one cares about me...no one likes me...or at least cares for me that certain way where I'm actually sure. Been freakin' hurt so many times I don't know the difference between truth and fantasy. I always hope for something real and all I usually get are fronters...guys who don't know what they want...or perhaps they do know what they want and it just happens NOT to be me. You know how often I hear people tell me: "Gosh, Sheena...you're amazing" or "Dang, Sheena...ur so sweet...blah blah blah...ur so perfect...surprised no one has snapped u up yet..." U know how many times a day that thought occurs to me??? A lot...I'm not perfect...but I think I am more than I appear. People are surprised that I play sports and that I play them well. People are surprised that I sing...that I dance...that I can act and fake shiz as if they were true. People are surprised I can cook and that I can bake. People are surprised by the gifts I make...the pillows...the tops...just stuff in general...People are just surprised by me...
Is that a good thing or a bad thing...I don't know. I looked through my scrapbook tonight and I tried to remind myself of how important I was back then...how I seriously mattered to someone...pix of mike...son...tam...gabe...pix of my mom...my birthdays...my accomplishments. I remember when I was happy...so willing...so open. Then i remembered when all of those happy things were taken from me and I became the bitter ass I am now. Only one guy has truly been worthy of giving me back my happiness..actually erased the pain...overpowered it with his presence. Then I remember how hard it was for me to get back on my feet when I realized I was fooling myself into thinking that he and I could be more than friends. Yes, we had our moments...yes, we shared so much that we could have destroyed each other...yes...yes...yes...the hardest part of this that I still can't grasp...we were never a couple...never together...we have always been just friends. I wish I never fell for u but then again, who wouldn't have? *sigh* Talking to ron tonight didn't help me...cuz then i realized he'd never understand...maybe it's better that this doesn't go any further...that I should just stop talking to him...so what if I possibly am giving up something great again? He made me feel sad today...he didn't call me, I called him. Then he didn't call me right back cuz he was sleepy...didn't realize that I was crying my baby ass off. That's what I don't like about him...he doesn't try to call me back when I get cut off or when I hang up...I have to call back. I usually expect a person to call me back when shit happens...lets me know that they care that much to make things right btw us. It's okay...forget it...I'm not gonna deal with guys right now...no point in doing so. I'm just setting myself up for another let down. If someone really cared to be in my life, then show it...I'm here at my freakin' apt...alone. U care that much that I'm alone...come over. Call me to let me know what's going on...I know it's u that calls when the phone is silent...it reminds me that I'm actually awake and that I ain't imagining silence. I don't like the word hate cuz it's too strong of a word but it's appropriate for this...I hate liars...don't lie to me by telling me u did something knowing full well u didn't...IE. like calling me...my phone would log the call...if not, u should have left a msg...I always get my vmails...

I hate this shit...I need to go lie down...cry myself to sleep...at least now no one will hear me cuz everyone else is asleep. I'll try...but no guarantees...maybe I should take some nyquil or something...help my ass knock out...

Song of the moment: "jealous" nina

Mood: everything hurts me right now...y is life getting more complicated every day...I don't need anymore death right now...I need closure.

Rest in Peace, Lolo Danny...
In loving memory...

I think it's time...

...for a change...

So how's the CHAOS treating you?

Friday night I showed someone some articles that were written about me...yes...high school days...when I mattered and I felt like I was someone. I realized how foolish I was by showing my friend these frivolous things...they're just articles in a local newspaper...they are just words...back then. Who am I now? I have lost so much of myself since then...lost so many materialistic things...so many sentimental things...so many important things. I can't help it right now...how i just wanna scream...run away and hide. I hate this time of year...when finals hit and I can't do a single thing...it's taking me back to two years ago. Mom was in ICU and I was stuck at UCLA w/out a ride home...w/out a way to get to her...I was Stuck...Torn with trying to concentrate on my studies and the thought of my mom with tubes stuck in her...I remember...I remember everything. That awful dream where I just couldn't wake up...a living nightmare indeed. The worse reality check a person could ever receive. I had the happiest and the saddest memories of my life that year...I'd give anything right now for a shoulder to lean on...to assure me that something good always comes of every situation...that I'm not doomed to be at the bottom. I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm somebody...well, not just somebody but someone special. That I don't need A's to be smart...that I don't need to always be smiling to be happy...that someone actually loves me or at least cares about me the way I care about them...so what if i'm looking for validation, I think I deserve it. It felt good today when I went out today...I went out with just the intention of buying my White chocolate mocha venti with whipped cream...I walked through the door with FOUR Happy meals and my coffee. You ever see four roommates going through finals week??? Sometimes you just need a Happy meal to lighten up the load...sometimes you need a reminder of being that lil kid opening up the bag and seeing that toy...sometimes you just need to be reminded that someone cares about u that much even when they don't say it all the time. Don't u ever wish that someone would call you just to say that they were thinking of you...that they were missing you and that they wish they weren't where they are at and they were actually with you...last week rose was studying and she got a call from Seung...she hung up the phone and smiled: "he's bringing me fries"...so who cares it was like 1 in the morning; at least she knows that he cares that much.

No one brings me fries at 1 in the morning...*sigh*

I miss my mom...I miss someone caring about me...I miss my optimistic views...I want my old life back...when I mattered...

song of the moment: "christmas shoes"
If u've ever heard of it, u'd know how sad the song is...I heard it the night my mom died and I knew from that first note I would never be able to hug my mom again...

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Mood: crying...missing my mom...not wanting to study

So much hardship and pain in my life
There is no heaven in a loving heart
And now I am happy you have taken me
out from my suffering
Only you, sweetheart, are my hope

Because of you
I longed for life
Because of you
Until I die,
you must realize
there is no one else
Even if you look into my heart
there's no one but you

Because of you
I found happiness
So, I am offering
my love to you
If you'd truly possess me
Everything I'd have
in my life would be
because of you

...Dahil sa iyo...can't get you off my mind...it's like a curse...or maybe it's like a blessing...either way, I shouldn't be thinking of you...argh! GO AWAY!

Let me be the one...

Somebody told me you were leavin’
I didn’t know
Somebody told me you’re unhappy
But it doesn’t show
Somebody told me that you don’t want me no more
So you’re walkin’ out the door
Nobody told me you’ve been cryin’
Every night
Nobody told me you’d been dyin’
But didn’t want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love from me
So I’m settin’ you free

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won’t have to make excuses
We don’t need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I’m tellin’ you I love you one last time
And goodbye
Somebody told me you still loved me
I don’t know why
Nobody told me that you only
Needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when
Our love is real again

Just turn around and walk away
You don’t have to live like this
But if you love me still then stay
Don’t keep me waiting for that final kiss
We can work together through this test
Or we can work through it apart
I just need to get this off my chest
That you will always have my heart
-----------------------------
**~~Jimmy Bondoc~~**

I wish u were here right now...I'm cold without you embracing me...it'll be a long night...alone...

Good nite and sweet dreams...hanggang sa muli, marami mahal ako sa inyo...

U wonder who I am and I fail to let people see the real me...that's what my blog is for...see me through my own eyes...well, i guess u have to see my homepage too...ME
See my message to the world