...where are u?

...dang, I feel so helpless right now...what do I do???

Well, I'm letting the time tick away...I'm waiting for him to call me. Even though I'm fighting the urge inside to call him. I don't understand what's my deep need to always have an explanation knowing that it's not what I want to hear...knowing it's not what I'm going to be expecting...knowing that the reason may not be good at all. It's not even the real need to be right or anything...I guess it's just my way of showing someone that they shouldn't do that with me. Shit, I should take a swallow of my own advice...stop treating others shitty...Maybe I deserve to be stood up...maybe I don't know...I guess I'll await the truth...God knows he'll be entertained with the ensuing episode.

You better look out
I hear you talkin', i hear you talkin' (ha)
But what are you saying
Oh hoo oh hooo
Don't be a fool
You got a good thing
Man are you blind
Stupid or crazy?
You got a good thing (uh)
You got a good thing
Special lady
You better hold on
And give her what she want
Before she move on
Man I tell you cars, clothes, and fancy things don't mean a damn thing
If you ain't kickin it baby

Taking a step into the past

A word from last year...

Tuesday, April 22, 2003 :::

I tend to forget that I'm not the only one who uses words to express themselves on a connecting level. I always feel that writing was made for me and only me and I forget that anyone else can be just as convincing at it as I am. And that is where I am taken...taken in like a thief in hiding. I don't know what to say right now cuz I am speechless and totally hit by the words of someone from my past. It makes me believe that perhaps he is ready for another chance...I've always been that firm believer in second chances and although that belief of mine has backfired on me one too many times, I still feel people deserve second chances. I am not saying that I am saying yes...nor am I even saying no...I am saying perhaps...just maybe...we can start something...just to get to know each other again...AS FRIENDS. If things develop, then they develop...but if they don't, they don't. I am not saying I am letting go of the past because then that means I would have to forget the pain u had caused me. I am older now, less credulous as I was then, more wiser in thought. I can't even believe that I am even saying any of this because honestly, I wasn't going to give u a second chance because of our past. I am still uneasy with trusting people...and it is because of u.


A letter written to me by someone from my past...





Hi Nasi...hope you are feeling better from your cold
or flu, wish i was there to take care of you. I
havent talked to you in a while which is probably good
for the both of us. Good for you cause u probably
dont need my distraction. and good for me cause i need
to slow down the thoughts and images of you in my
mind. I try to keep up to date on ur state of mind
throught the internet and that has helped me deal with
my feelings toward you.
You know, as much as i say "i dont want to pressure
you" i still feel like I am. I dont mean to but i
know i do it regardless. My intentions is not to cause
drama or create unwanted pressure. But the way my
feelings go, it wants to know, it wants to if the
heart really does want me? Sometime im not sure if the
feelings i have for you is healthy. I dont know how
it will work out. I see that you are still trying to
figure out where u stand babe, even while ur sick.
The way i see it: i dont know if you are on the
rebound, because in my opinion, we all on a rebound,
some rebound are longer than others, but the important
thing is to get back on the court and play the game.
You cant win if you dont play. And I think this time
you have a GOOD Teammate on ur team(me). basketball
analogy.
As for our history: Yes i know we have a history
together, and those memories are different to you as
they are to me. I did make a lot of mistakes back
then, and i regret hurting you in any quantity. But
this is the here and now, which is why i want you
right by my side, right here! right now! I want to
show you that i can love you. THAT I CAN LOVE YOU. and
that you too can LOVE me again. I know, love, haha, i
only use the love to emphasize our potential.

thoughts of you still flow by like streams and rivers,
and when they do flow, i get this feeling of
wanting...wanting to talk to you, wanting to LOOK at
you babe, and wanting to smile cause you exist in ur
own unique and weird way. BUt that is you, and you are
special babe, i think more than you know. I know you
do so much for others, and in recieve nothing in
return. But i know that ur not looking for anything in
return, cause the good things you do babe...like how
you make me feel....how you make ur friends
feel...those good things that you do...they are
priceless. Sometimes when i think of the deeper you,
not the busy sheena but the simple sheena..the here
and now sheena,i feel really close to you.
Its kinda sad looking back, how we didnt talk for 2
yrs. Wish we could have continue to build our
friendship bond, nevertheless, I still love you as a
friend...and would never let anything bad happen to
you if it was within my power. i would never want to
see you sad, cause you have had too many of those, i
would never want u to stress cause thats all you seem
to do, i would never want u to be sad because i dont
want you to forget that there are other people who
care about you and they can make u happy. dont lose
site of those people, no matter how many new friends
you meet.
Babe I have the same doubts you have, not knowing and
not sure. All i ask is a chance,a try, an experiment,
of what could be. I think if you feel anything
remotely to happiness when you are around me then you
owe it to yourself to try. But im not you, and you are
not me. Ill do my part and u do urs.
until i see your face again for the very first time:
still thinking and smiling at the thought of US.
may harm stay out of your way for the rest of today,
one day at a time.
sorry my letters are always so long, imagine my mind.
anyways sheena,nasi,baby baller,em de thoung, i have
to go now so get better so we can be together so u
dont have to deal with URSELF ALONE.
Attachment:
1 hug, 2 kisses, and 3 nasi pretend squirmish SMILE to
brighten ur day...



I apologize if this may cause u discomfort cuz I have put this on my blog but how can I not post something so moving? Words like that deserve a forum...a place to be posted...I feel happy that u wrote such great things about me and to me but at the same time, I am still scared...I can't just forget the other things that have been going on in my life and the crazy feelings that I've been dealing with lately...I can't forget that I've been used by a friend in the past two weeks and I can't forget that I feel I lost a friend within this time too. I really am on the rebound and perhaps I feel that u are reaching for more than u are ready for in ur life right now. U haven't been in a relationship in a while and neither have I. I haven't been meaning to really be in one...I see no real way for that to work when u are there and I am here...u know me, I give my heart and total effort once I am in it but I don't think I'm ready for that or willing to do so at this moment. I really am still trying to find myself...I don't know if a bf is attached to that vision. I need u as a friend for sure...and when I am ready...we can move forward more...but right now, we can just get to know one another again. If love is still in our books, then so be it...but right now, I don't want to speculate.

Thursday, April 24, 2003 :::

I guess I wish for more than I am really ready to handle. I desire more than I am ready to actually take responsibility for. And I act before I think realize what I am actually getting into. I use to think that there was nothing wrong about acting in the "now" but then memories came flooding back to me again and I realized, "could things have ended differently if I didn't rush things?" The happiness that I have ever felt in my life has been "temporary". Give or take the love and joy of family and CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE friends...but when it comes to other things, it is all short-lived. I threw tantrums til I got my way and when I got it, where did that leave me? The joy of all the crap I won in high school and in junior high and in elementary school...what does that all count for? All the shiz I do now in college...the community work or the lil things...why does it really matter? It doesn't...I guess what I think is right to do at the time just ends up being but a forgotten memory...and someday I probably will be just like that...a forgotten memory in the back of people's minds. I wish i could be more to people than what I am now cuz they have brought me such joy at times...well, it depends who but u know what i mean. There are those who really count...and there are those who count sometimes...and even those that don't count at all...where do I lie in ur life? Where do I lie in my own life? Does it really matter at all...I wonder. It is nice to hear things every once and a while...to know that someone loves u and cares about u or is even just THERE for u. I pray to God that I mean more to people than what I think of myself cuz honestly, I think very lil of myself these days. These blogs of mine help ease my pain but, just like what I learned in English today, even writing stuff down brings a short lived assuaging of emotions. Keats's poem, "Ode to a Nightengale", embodies me at times where I would rather take comfort in some kind of substance (no, not that kind of substance) like food...in Keats's case, it was alchohol. But where does that really bring u? More problems than u started with??? I don't know anymore...I just wish I could find some peace of mind...in anything or anyone. To know that I matter. I guess if u haven't already noticed or heard...I didn't get the bearwear model catalog thingy...yea, I guess I wasn't pretty enough or had enough spunk or even any of the right answers to anything. As if my pride and ego haven't already been shot down in the past couple of weeks...to add to it, yes, is a horrible and coincidental time. I wish I could just get lost in my school work and PCH stuff so perhaps I could accomplish something "meaningful" out of my shitty , i don't know what to label it....Depression? Low times? Whatever...u know where I am getting at...but yes, I'm gonna go take a nap and hope that when I wake up, this horrible cold that I've had will finally go away...just the way I wish my odd emotions would do...

Friday, April 25, 2003 :::
I'm at work right now...like usual, I find time to do stuff on the computer...so bad of me. Tee hee...but yea, my paper was horribly written last nite but I hope it will suffice for a decent grade. I found out last nite too that our bball team is leaving for Santa Barbara tonight so yea...I don't know what to think or say right now. LIke, I find myself depressed but yet still overjoyed by somethings. I have this deep yearning in my heart still for this certain something...it will always be unattainable except for that one time. I guess that's all I can really savor now is that one time cuz there will be no other times. I finally met someone I didn't think I would meet at all, this past week in class. Recall: 2 drunk Asian guys on our floor asking for hickey donations. I met one of em, haha...I don't think my mind will ever let me escape the memory of that incident. Nathan, yea, u will forever be the lil guy with slightly pinkened cheeks tawdry laughing in the background. He's really nice and I kinda feel bad for misjudging him from that one incident last year. I guess it's thewhole ordeal on first impressions...they make their print in u. Son...I guess I'm lost in words right now. He sees right thru me...even when I can't even see it myself. I know what I want...but sometimes what a person wants isn't what they need and I am fortunate that Son understands that I'm going thru shit right now. I can't escape things unless I can free my mind and heart from it but that's too difficult for me to do so.


"Reading ur blog has cleared some
thoughts and I thought I was going to feel better
but now I only feel more...desire, which is bad, I
think. When you start wanting too much, maybe more
than u can handle, it starts gettin bad. You know that
feeling of wanting to be next to someone and have that
person's total attention and not gettin it? That's how
I feel. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. But it is
very encouraging. That feeling is what keeps me
writing to you, even though I, at times, feel like a speck
of sand on the beach. If it wasnt for the wind blowing
that speck of sand in ur eyes, would you ever even
notice me?
I wonder if u can like me, i dont think you
can. I think parts of you want to give me a try, but
I think u still find something missing or not there in
me. That makes me sad, but that is just the way it
goes. UR not the only one who is familiar with
disappoinment, nas. "
~Son


More powerful shit that puts me in my place cuz I've fooled everyone for so long and even began fooling myself thinking that there is nothing wrong with just doing what I do best...deceiving. I swear, half the time I don't want to smile...it's only cuz of others that I do so...they smile, I smile...I just wish I could do it for me sometimes.


"Karma: its seems that karma has caught up
with me again. isnt it weird, yeah, love in all the
wrong places. There are people who like me yet i do
not like, and when i see something special in someone
else, they do not see it in me. Life is so wrong, but
when looking from the bigger picture, it is so right.
love is suffering
wanting is suffering
just to even live is suffering
but i guess suffering isnt that bad, if its spent with
u."
~Son


In high school I use to feel lucky...one of the most popular guys in school was talking to me-ME! Even when the drama died down n the pople disappeared he was there...n I embraced it. That was my mistake for bein played a fool...if he wasn't faithful to Renee then...would he be faithful to me now? I know the years have passed and things possibly could have changed but I don't know that...I don't think I'm ready to risk a wounded heart again only to have it hurt. I wanna take things back in my life and be able to embrace life but if I get heartbroken again...I basically think that's the end for me...there will be no turning back...no embracing life anymore cuz I'd be too afraid to risk. I want to live in the now but yet I have to be cautious. I am looking for happiness, long term, none of this short term shit. I know how it is to pine after someone and not seeing what u want to see or feeling what u want to feel...I don't want to put anyone through that. It caused me too many sleepless nights and that is the last thing I would ever want for anyone to have. I know I'm unbearable at times but I can be so much more...it's sad that people can't see that...people stop at the exterior never really entering the heart of me. I guess it's easier for people to shut out others...to detach themselves from the world itself. I don't think I am one of those people though I wish I could be sometimes...it would make crushes go away so easily. Or even the break ups and the pain and hurt. The scars can be seen all over me and they never look like they are healing. I desire more than what people can give me...and that is my mistake but has a lil hope ever really killed anyone? To say things is easy but to do them, that's the hardest part.
Son, I don't know what to do or say to help ease ur clouded mind of me...I can't even assuage my worries...I don't know how to. So give me time...u know me, I never stay away for long. I always say what I want to say or want to do eventually.


A message to my friends...I'm sorry my bitchiness lately but moody sheena is around right now cuz she can't figure out what she wants to do with her life. If I say something to offend u, I apologize now. If I do anything to displease u, my bad...I never meant to do it on purpose. I love u all...and wouldn't trade u guys for anything in the world. Ur the strength I need and the love I crave...I take it for granted but doesn't take away the love I have for u all. Don't give up on me...

I feel a lil torn like this again...not exactly in the same position but just some of the feelings like I don't exist or the feeling I got reading what someone thought of me...how much i meant to them...these were entries from nearly a year ago...crazy, I thought I wasn't in that place anymore...i went full circle and ended up back there again or sorta desiring some of those feelings back...

I guess I'm starting to understand but I'm still feeling like I need to disbelieve it all...I love you too much to turn my back...

Nothing comes from nothing.

Would you look at that! I've been good about studying today. I went to the supermarket after class and went home. I opened my book and read! I took a short nap and then I read again...*sigh* You'd think I'd feel good about myself knowing that I'm being a good lil studious girl but truth is I'm not. Shit, I'm wondering if you know what's going on in my mind right now. I'm wondering right now if you know or even give a damn what I'm feeling. You did it again (I should be use to it by now): you flaked. You know it's appropriate that I've been reading King Lear for the most part of the evening...I can see how I relate to the characters. Right now I feel like Cordelia..."Love, and be silent". She loves her father but when he asks her what she can offer him to prove her love all she can say is "nothing." She can only love her father as much as her sisters do...no more and no less....love is unmeasureable and simply not palpable in that sense. I won't mention a word of this to you only cuz it'll break out into another stupid argument that needs not be started. The clock is striking twelve as I write...the phone is silent...the im box is empty...my email needs not be refreshed...there is no knocking at the door. You flaked.... "Six or seven...no wait, I don't wanna say that cuz then if I show up at eight you'll just get mad at me." How does the saying go again...better late than never? Not showing up is better than being late? Which means should I get angry at: late or not showing up? I called and you weren't home...you're not here...you're not on ur way...where are you then? I hate myself cuz I care about the lil things...when I should be like u...don't take this relationship seriously.... I'm not even mad really...I'm just sad again...I find myself crying myself to sleep...feeling so alone and abandoned...like I just don't matter. It's no wonder why people think that I can be very depressing at times...I let things bother me. Isn't that what you said today: "I don't have bad days cuz I don't let those things bother me." I must be a bad person...I let everything bother me. I let it take over every part of my body and I just shut down. People wonder about me...I act so happy and crack the corniest jokes but then when it comes down to it people see the ugly side of me...so alone...so depressed...so saddened. I've been nursing a broken heart since I was 14. I'm 20 now...in a couple of months that number will change.... The real question for myself is, "will my heart ever really mend?" So I would like to believe I'm in this really great perfect relationship but if I take the time to analyze it like everything else in my life, here's the deal: We've been together for three months now...we've only known each other for nearly 7 months. In the past couple of weeks we've had communication break downs...in the process, our main means of transportation (main means of seeing one another) has been temporarily eliminated from the equation...we fight more lately...we see less of each other lately...and by my view of things, we're in a bad slump...of course my initial resolution is to try and fix things (as I normally try to do with all things wrong in the world). This is the best relationship I've ever had...great guy but sometimes I just wish he would be more attentive to the lil things. To him, this episode is merely a day he "couldn't make it" or whatever reason it maybe...to me it is another failure at seeing one another...another time where he doesn't take the time out to call me and let me know that he's not dead somewhere or hurt or whatever...another time where I feel in the dark and stupid and dumb for believing that he was on his way all these hours and continually telling myself he's just running late...it's just another one of those times, right? I guess it never occurs to others that when I get hurt or disappointed, I take it to the heart...I don't sleep...I turn to food as a way to cope...I shut down. I tend to believe that people understand what they do to me...or what they fail to do...so of course I would think they k now how I feel. In reality, they have no clue...and it's probably cuz they don't take the time to stop and realize that they need to TELL ME when they are unable to make it and not wait for me to call before telling me...maybe it's my fault for not saying something...but just take this into account...what happens if i don't call? Don't give me the answer, "but I know u, u will call...." Now take one second and just wonder, what if I didn't call? What then? So many times I had to find out this way...and then the what if's run thru my mind: What if I didn't call you? I would have ended up ditching work and waiting in pasadena for a person who decided not to go to work that morning but failet to relay that information to me...I would have been waiting here in the apartment all day thinking to myself "what if he's hurt somewhere...etc."...I would have stayed up all night waiting...I don't understand how someone can just tell me he loves me or he misses me but then stands me up without a phone call letting me know he's not coming...I don't get it...right now instead of working on my shor tquiz that is due in a couple hours I'm simply crying and wondering and just feeling hurt and betrayed...I feel lower than low right now as if i did something wrong again. I'm not even mad I'm just not understanding how someone I care about so much just can do this to me so easily again...I guess it's the same way with you when I get mad for no reason or mad over something small...you wonder why I can be so two-faced...

I'm trying to understand...
...

I just can't right now...

Like u've said before: "Just cuz it doesn't happen for a while doesn't mean they don't get erased...they're still there." This will be one of those times...

Back by popular demand!

I've had several requests for new entries..."Sheena, don't stop writing...it's the best way to know what's going on with you...." So yeah...I've been away for a good solid week from my blog. I've had to fight off the urges at times to write at all but here we go...

Happy 3 month Anniversary! So, we've actually reached the end of the red zone...I've had a funky lil day but overall, it's ended nicely. I just spoke with you and I don' t know...makes me feel better knowing you're on the other side. I'm just crazy about you, ya freakin' nut! hehe

SB tournie was this weekend. It was awesome...left hella late Friday night and got a lil bit of sleep. Ended up with a ten o'clock game the next morn. I was tired as hell...Two losses on Saturday...Good times driving around Saturday night. If ya'all saw that Laker game...woo, what a game! Irene drove on the wrong side of the street...coldness at the pier...nice ass bowling alley next door. I went to bed and woke up early Sunday...got dressed and went to the market next to the motel. Came back and went to our game...WE WON! I can't believe how much shit I was talking...but yeah, I ended up getting a nice twisted ankle that game. It doesn't hurt like mad crazy but still, I got hurt. Our playoff game was funky...we lost. Drove home but stopped at the beach first. So beautiful and clear. Fun times...POP IT! THREE!!! Posing to cleaning off the wounds...icing to voice activated alarms. It was good times indefinitely. The drama is still there but we're able to overcome it.

We