hehe Another stolen excerpt...

this time, from joann's blog

Sunday, December 12, 2004
i loved ocean's 12. brad pitt makes me feel like an ovulating giggling school girl. i hate how my emotions run so close to the surface. there is something about my apartment that is SO california. sometimes my life plays like i'm in virgin suicides and playground love by air is playing in the background. as i wait for the elevator the orange glow seeps into my hair. this puts me in an introspective, melancholic mood, and i'll hate myself for having a head so obliviously soaked with dreams courtesy of the orange county sun. last weekend my mom told me she knew ever since she was younger she was going to get herself to america, because it was better here. she just had to find the right man to take her . in maria full of grace she left to give her baby a better life, and i am so grateful to my mother because she was right. i don't think theres anywhere in the whole world i'd rather spend my life being 21. i'm in LA! hollywood is the picture of superficial, tortured youth. and i'm all about the action.i could never tell her though. thank you. or i love you. give her a hug. i would break down, into tears. i couldn't look at her when she picked me up from LAX after being in england, and i feel so ungrounded with her being in the phillipines right now. i'm sure she would love that- me to cry and say thank you. but in my inability to show love, i pressure myself to show my gratitude in other ways. like my grades. and being good for her. something she can be proud of. someone she won't regret sacrificing her life for.i know i'm pathethic. there are a lot of people i love so much i can only tell them through a drunken call in the middle of the night. otherwise, i am afraid of them. or more accurately, afraid of myself. i don't want to feel that way anymore- the way it feels like to reach out for someone you absolutely adore with outstretched arms and they respond with like.. a handshake. what hurts most is not rejection, but someone who loves you not enough. i'm the kind of person who calls you on the phone because i want to connect, but i don't know what to say. so i just don't call. and if you call i'll return your call next week. and then we never get close, and before it know it, i'm eating at tacone by myself at the mall.nick says i'm a single mom.

=================================================
MY WORDS...

Like I said before...I wish I could shout off the rooftops that I think you are special but I can't because I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't even think of myself special unless someone else out there in this big huge crazy ass fucking world thinks that I'm their everything...or that somehow I am an integral part of their life. Why can't I just say it??? Gosh, I have let so many people walk out of my life without telling them up front and straight forward what I think of them or how I feel about them or why they are important to me...I get so dumbfounded and scared and I feel like all I can utter is a "ummm...yeah...bye..."

could you imagine if you didn't have those special people in ur life? Could you imagine how insane you could really be right now? I'd be rocking myself in a dark corner uttering nonsense and momentarily become under some trance like phase screaming curses or spells...all so randomly. Sometimes you just gotta cry...Fuck everybody...let the tirade rain down...Let the truth come out...let the ease of ventilation fill you and allow you to calm down and realize that you are glad that someone was there to help you...

So yea...

Thanks, Rose...
Thanks, Aiz...
Thanks, Farida...
Thanks, Ron..
Thanks, Hoosie...
Thanks, Mai...

Thanks everyone...

Excerpt from Jonny Ngo's blog...


Thursday, December 16, 2004

when it's gloomy outside... i lose track of time...................may you make a wish on every star in the sky...may all those wishes come true...and if any of your wishes ever fall or die...then a new star is born for you...................if you really want to know who i am... and why i am the way i am... i suggest you read this...i'm going to do something different today... i'm going to do something i haven't done... instead of writing about the cliches of love and relationships... instead of giving advice, being silly, speaking in riddles... instead of hiding myself behind my art or poetry... i will write about how i feel... i've told you this story before... but i never told it like this...

4 years ago... around this time... towards the end of finals... right before christmas... i fell in love with a girl... i unintentionally, accidentally, foolishly fell in love with a girl...i'm not one who gives my heart easily... i'm not one who tries to. i was single 2 years before her... i was happy being single... new school... new world... new friends... and then i met her...she had a boyfriend... a great wonderful caring guy... he had finals... so instead of being lonely... she spent time at the apartment with my roommates and i...for a week, it was like that...we'll stay up all night talking... she'll open up to me... told me she needed more... needed romance and excitment... her boyfriend never gave it to her... she woud open up to me... and i would open up to her... for a week... we would talk for hours... until the morning sun came... and i knew i have to drive her back to her boyfriend's apartment... each time... it got harder and harder for me to say goodbye to her... i hated to say goodbye... it was like a thousand needles in my heart each time... knowing i was driving her back to be with someone else...

the final time i dropped her off... before she left the car... we told each other our feelings... i told her i want to be the man that gives her everything that she is missing in her life... she told me she felt the same way... she told me she was confused... because she does have feelings for me...many sleepless nights followed... thoughts going on in my head... it was torture... not my feelings... but knowing that she had to make choice between two guys... i never want to be the second guy... never want to be a choice...you know the saying, "if you love someone, let them go..."

i let her go...

i told her to stick with her man... they built a relationship and friendship that lasted years... don't throw it away for me... that's how you know you really care for someone... if you are willing to sacrifice for them... if you are willing to give up everything for them... their happiness...

she chose me... and we spent the whole winter break together in dallas because our family was there... i remember i would drop by her house to watch movies with her... drop off food for her... just spend time with her... i remember it was snowing that year... and her driveway was always icey... and i would always slip everytime i walked to her door... i remember hiding in my closet till morning just to talk on the phone with her... we talked everyday till we fell asleep on the phone...for christmas, she gave me this little blue blanket with my name on it... i remember it well... she told me because i never had one when i was younger... i could use the blanket to keep warm when she couldn't... that was when we had our first date... it was perfect... not too romantic... fun, silly.. us just having fun... i remember us going ice skating... it was my first time... so i tried hard not to embarass myself... i didn't succeed...christmas came and left... and a new school year began... so we went back to austin... she started to get sick... so she stayed at my apartment... i did my best to take care of her... i loved taking care of her... it might be sick to some people... but not to me... i loved making her soup... tucking her in... kissing her forehead... even cleaning her vomit... since she was sick at my apartment... i remember having to sneak into her dorm room to get her pajamas and medicine.when she got better... i would take her out... she wanted to watch a movie, so i would surprise her by driving down to san antonio to the riverwalk to watch it... the little things i would do for her... like hide notes to her in her dorm room...it was perfect... to me, it was at least... we even registered for the same classes... so we can spend as much time together as possible... hmmm... big mistake... the new semester came... and she met new people... she wanted to spend time with them...

i'm not one to stop her... i encouraged her to have fun and meet new people... she started to hang out with her ex more... i was fine with it... i'm a completely trusting guy... she started to hang out with a bunch of new frat guys... fine with me... until the moment she had feelings for one of them...

she ended things with me the day before valentines. she told me that there were too many emotions between us... and she just wanted to have fun. i was too sweet... too romantic. i was only that way for her, because she wanted it... and when i was with her... it felt natural... like i didn't have to do those things... because i wanted to... but she realized what she wanted then wasn't the same as what she wanted now... she ended things in less than 2 months... before she got to see the other sides of me...

there's a reason i am the way i am... there's a reason why i hate valentines... a reason why, since her, i haven't been able to be the same romantic i once was... i don't want to be anymore... i don't care as much as i did before... a reason why i can't give my heart... scared to give it... a reason why i haven't been able to draw all the pictures i use to... i spent the following months just doing nothing... always in bed... i stopped going to all the classes we had together... then i started to date a different girl each week... to see if that would help me any...i found that my friendships was all i needed... so i moved on... had fun... stopped thinking about it... completely avoided dating... but i eventually met someone a year later that i thought deserved to be treated great... around christmas time also... we dated for awhile, but she eventually became my ex... i learned i still wasn't who i once was when it came to romance... my poor sweet ex... she deserved so much more... i felt horrible that i couldn't give her everything she needed... so many times she complained that i wasn't romantic at all... haha... jonny ngo is not a romantic... bet you never thought that, huh? but there's a reason why... a reason why i am the way i am... so that's why i have been single since then...so to everyone who asked why i can't open up... why i don't talk about my feelings... why i am single... there's a reason why... and there's a reason why the song last christmas means so much to me...don't worry... i'm fine now... no grudges... no pain... just hope... people call me a hopeless romantic... they question if i know anything... but the reason i am hopeless... is because i've been through it all before... i miss being the romantic... it's so much better when you are... and i want to be able to give the next girl i'm with... everything she deserves... every side of me...

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MY WORDS...

Sometimes I just can't shake how someone understands what I think and feel. It's not easy for a hopeless romantic to get their heart broken...it never fully mends. The fact thatyou give everything you would ever want to give to someone...it come so naturally...all you ask for in return is their love...and they can't give that to you.

Why bother, right?

I don't have to say it time and time again but then again, who hears me? Everything matters to me...from phone calls to ims to simple waves of hello. It makes me feel special...and on rainy days, I would try and hold on to those simplicities of life only to make myself feel better about how shizzy things are.

...I guess, don't say something u don't mean or put me on in any other way. I'm a sensitive lil tike...i take things to the heart. So don't bruise it...don't let it wilt...don't crush it in the palm of your hands. I'm delicate...I need to be cared for. Through the years, people finally broke me down...all the shit in my life took so much away from me...lil by lil...piece by piece. It's hard surviving on a whole different personality than what you use to be. Some people don't recognize you...worse off, you don't even recognize urself. How can you be someone if you can't even recognize yourself?

I can type and type for hours...I can read on end...I can speak, but I feel there is no audience...

I don't want to write anything if it has no meaning...what's the point in that? Who wants to read jibberish? Who wants to read ramblings if they lead to nothing?

I know it is hard, but take a step out of yourself...step into my shoes...look at me in a way you don't normally do. Understand me...that's all I want...I want you to feel my pain...my thoughts...my laughter...

There was such happiness in me when I was younger...and then I met Mike...then I met Son...and then I met Jorge...and then I met Adrian who partially redeemed my faith...and then there was Will and I felt like I lost myself again...and then I met George who seemed to give and take...continuously, give and take...and then I met Ron who I care and love, but wish I could get more...

I constantly ask for happiness...and I shouldn't Complain right now...God has thrown some faith my way. I know I ask for a lot but I really look out into my life and look at all those people who do things that are bad and they get good in their lives...and I feel I do not do that badly and I feel like I'm still in wait for good...

Eh...everything is a waiting game...I'll keep waiting...something has got to give...something has got to come...

I always wish i was in someone else's position...say, for example, all those who can do what they wish without second guessing themselves...give in to any pleasure cravings they have without thinking about the consequences. How can people live this way and still have good lives? I feel like shit if I step over any boundaries and I feel like God punishes me at every turn I make. Part of me says that I am doing the right thing and another part of me screams, you're getting the raw end of the deal. But I guess it's that weariness that is keeping me in check...without certainty, why do anything? It still hurts though that there are people I know that can steal, cheat, be lustful, etc. and still have a better life than I do...and I'm no where near bad as they are and I feel like shit. I pray for the goodness of others and I pray for happiness...and sometimes I get those things and other days I cry myself to sleep. I feel like I don't know who is controlling my emotions...whether it is me or someone else...but all I do know is that I just wish I could be happier lately...with all my happy roommates...with all my happy friends and family. i don't like seeing others suffer...especially when they feel lower than I do (I feel pretty low as it is).

God, let these holidays be filled with love, laughter, and good times. I think my family, friends, and maybe myself all deserve a little joy this holiday season.

**here is to the smiles**

XMAS WISHLIST (REVISED)

Impossible but nice to hope for:
Straight A's
Good Study habits
More money
Smaller tummy and waist
Less problems
Some perspective in life
A guarantee for success post-academia years...

Material things:
Electronic Goodies: (these items might as well go under the impossible list but yeah...)
New Laptop (Mine has problems) or if someone can fix mine
A DV Cam

*Rose got me a 256mb XD memory card!!! YEAH!!!

Movies (DVD): (list goes on as (1) most desired and so forth down the line)
1)Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride 2
2)Sex in the City Season DvD (Any season...but the first)
3)Mr. Bean DVD (the actual show, not the cartoon or movie)
4)Kate and Leopold
5)Sound of Music
6)Mulan (Never seen it...)

*Since the last time I revised my list, I have gotten Aladdin and Love Actually...


Furniture:
A new bed (a nice wooden loft one or the ones with drawers in the frame)
A bookshelf for our living room (a nice big one cuz we all have books)
Work out equipment:
Set of 5lb and/or 10lb dumbbells
A basketball (Men's size, not women's)
A football
Carmen Electra's strip aerobics dvds (at least the 4th one cuz that's the hip hop one)

Clothing:
Victoria Secret's Very Sexy Convertible Bra In warm nude 36B
Victoria Secret's Three-quarter sleeve tunic top with spaghetti straps in Black (M/L)
Victoria Secret's Off-the-shoulder sweater in Black (M/L)
Victoria Secret's Off-the-shoulder sweaterdress in Black or chocolate (M)
Michael Jordan Letterman jacket (S or M) red and black, of course...
Natural Bra (I'm a 36B so I think it goes by cup size)
Eddie Jones Miami Heat Away Jersey (red or black)
Custom UCLA Football or Basketball jersey with #15 and my first or last name
Brown UCLA sweatshirt in M or L (I really am happy they have that color now) (not the embroidered one with baby blue UCLA block lettering cuz I have that one)
A pretty baby phat shirt in (L) (I like the kitty hehe)

Books: (I'm back to old habits...I like reading!)
Any Tami Hoag book
Any James Patterson book except for The Beach House, 3rd Degree, and 2nd Chance
A Mitch Albom book except for The five people you meet in Heaven and Tuesday's at Morrie's

Health and Beauty:
Clinique 3-step acne system (I'm almost out of my Clinique Clarifying lotion #2)
Clinique City Base compact in Tawny (THEY DISCONTINUED MY COLOR!!!)
Proactiv System (this or the system above will suffice)
Victoria Secret's Heavenly or Love Spell lotion (can't afford this on my own anymore)

Accessories:
A pair of small stud like earrings (I'm allergic to silver so I prefer gold...I lost one of my earrings so I don't have a replacement)
Green knitted beanie/hat (has a bill) for $21 at Anchor Blue...(it's cute)

Gift cards/certificates at any of the following stores:
Westfield’s shopping center
Robinson’s May
Macy’s
Wal-Mart
Target
Ross
Costco
Forever 21
Ikea

Services:*A day at a spa (DIRELY NEEDED...i feel like shit lately)*
**Full body massage (I direly want this if the above request cannot be filled)*Pedicure/Manicure (Last resort if the aboves can't be filled)
A hairstylist to do my hair just for fun
Subscription to Cosmopolitan

Other:
Spending cash for Vegas trip
Dinner at Eurochow, Hard Rock Cafe, Cheesecake Factory (I've never been to any of these)
A night out at the pier (I've never ridden the ferris wheel, or any other rides there), bowling, karaoke, Castle Park, Malibu Speedzone
A one on one night out with friends or family
A pre-paid gas car
A pre-paid starbuck's card
Tix to the Laker vs heat or Clippers vs heat game (EDDIE JONES!!!)
Tix to an Alicia Keys concert
Tix to a Las Vegas show during my trip

There's something egregiously wrong with growing older...

I realize now as time passes me by that there is something wrong with growing older...something about it that just kills your dreams...your spirit...the things that drive you. At the same time I realize that is how life is...dreams come and go...you hold on to the important ones. You can view the world through rose-colored glasses or you can view it through grey skies...either way, you decide. I feel broken down by life. My experiences have pushed me to edges that I never knew I could toe before. I miss the easy days where cares were free from me. I didn't have to worry about being smart or beautiful or successful. I had to worry about being me...

After talking to Rose tonight, the same points come out again. You can never change a person unless the person changes on their own accord. You can't force them to take your words seriously...even as badly as you try to point them out to a person. We are pushed down but sometimes we choose to stay down because fear of falling again keeps us from standing on our own feet. I admit, I fear things still...I know right reason but sometimes you just can't help yourself. I turn my back on it because I like to feel as though I'm the only person in the world in this position...when the truth is there are so many others...those who even have it worse than I do. I guess that's what keeps me feeling as though I am special...you just need something to cling on to that screams out, "I am special!!!"

Have you told someone you care about that they are special?


I wish I could yell it off the roof tops but I can't right now...I don't have the strength to tell you I care about you cuz you don't care about yourself right now. You can't expect someone to love you when you can't even love yourself, as corny as that sounds. The world recognizes a closed heart...so open up a little. Have fun for a change...it can always be worse.

...I miss u when u don't even realize it...

and sometimes I feel lucky
and other times I feel cursed...

...there is your voice...
...your words...
...your every move...

...it's my everything...

...my only happiness...


So...please tell me, why am I not happy?

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad--yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it --yeah
I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh, But I think she's leaving
Ooh, man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do (I Can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it
over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad--yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
yeah
And I can't take it
yeah
I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now and this choice I made keeps playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh, I think she's leaving
Ooh, man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do (I Can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad--yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Every time I close my eyes I'm like it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad--yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad--yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again

Cause it's all in my head