Is it wrong of me to hate someone, not by their fault but by someone else's? Yea, funny the way that sounds but I guess it goes back to the whole defendin myself thang. It hurts when people assume things that ain't going on...and then after the whole situation, u end up thinking about it and wondering why something isn't going on...I don't know, does that make sense? Well, yea, the whole thing gets to me lately cuz it's hurtful to my pride as if saying I'm weakened by this guy and that leads me to be left weakened for the rest of the world to use. I guess it's easier if seen through my eyes cuz words don't have the full affect sometimes when u truly need a certain way of conveying something. In this case, put urself in my place and go through the teasing torment...how would u feel after? Perhaps my cold heartedness towards him now is cuz of this torment and at the sametime a way for me to not want to hang with him and in return will end the torment because there will be nothing to torture me with...right? I don't know...talking out my huge butt...argh!

Song of the moment: Don't remember what it's called cuz it's in Korean but I remember the video...SOOOO SAD...it's the one where the girl works in a hair salon and some photographer comes in to get his hair done...this girl splashes him in the face when she's shampooing his hair...they go out on a date...start falling in love...he takes pictures of her...blah blah blah...she's in the dark room reach for something and a bottle of developer or some chemical was uncapped and spilled into her eyes...she goes blind...for some reason though, she was able to undergo so operation and was given sight...she tries to find the photographer guy but he's gone...no one looks at her the same and she doesn't understand why. She ends up walking in some park or whatever and sees her love, the photographer, sitting on a bench...she goes up to him but she doesn't say anything. She notices a dog goes up to him and ends up leading the photographer away...she realizes he is blind. The operation suddenly floods back into her mind. Her love, the photographer, gave up his sight for her...that's how much he loved her...he gave up his work, his life, his sight cuz of her...*sniffle*

Mood: Realizing two quarters are down and one to go and then it's summer all over again...How will I ever get by?
--------------------------------

And the Saga continues...

So okay...here's the 411...I got an answer to why I was so out of it last week...a reason only capable of being said if asked and maybe even then I may not answer depending who you are. But yes...today begins Hardcoreness...COMPLETE AND UTTER HARDCORENESS...I just gotta keep trudging on and remembering that I'm going to have over a week of fun...sportsfest and san fran and whatever else will come my way. One would think that is enough motivation to get through all this shiz but I think about it and it doesn't seem that way. Why? I have an inkling of a clue but I'm not sure if that's the real reason...aw, pooh! But yes, where will things go from here? Who really knows...I just know that this quarter has ended and finals are here and I'm going to lose my mind and sleep over it. But who isn't...It's raining very hard today. It's one of those days that u just curl up into a lil ball in ur bed and just sleep...sleep all ur cares away and say "screw this" haha I wish I could do that, it'd probably m ake me feel better but nope, gotta study. I shouldn't even be typing this cuz it's taking up time...Sigh...

Song of the moment: "Brokenhearted" Brandy f/Wanya Morris

Lyrics: Only brokenhearted...life's not over...I can start again...well, I'm only brokenhearted...it's only a thing to get over...

Mood: Just looking outside is depressing cuz look at this ugly rainy day...No mood to study but must...

Good lord...as much as I would love to finish what I started writing earlier about the article, it must wait...New things have popped into my head and I just wanna get them out of me before I burst at the seems from overreacting! =P Oh, by the way, the link I was talking about in my previous blog was http://www.lcsc.edu/pathfinder/article.asp?ArticleNumber=92 yes, that is going to make u stupid if u read it...
Anyways...yea, tonight things hit me like usual...when ur trying to study, ur mind will do anything to distract u away from what needs to be focused on. I talked to Mai about Bobby and if she'd think that he'd go with me to our All-hill Formal...Yea, I doubt anyone here will ask me, as usual...Yea, sad, no one will come up to me and just say, "hey, do u have a date for formal?" I missed it last year and since this is my last time in the dorms, I might as well make dormal a memory too. *sigh* U know what I noticed...that besides perhaps like two or three guys...I've never been out on a date that I hadn't initiated. I mean that I hadn't asked...sad, huh? It popped into my head while talking to Mai tonight...I guess usually cuz it's my event and not their event but still...no one has ever asked me to their event except for Tam...his senior prom was soooo fun! Too bad he ended up a jerk...and then there was Jorge who asked me out to the movies...too bad he ended up being a jerk too. Of course Gabe asked me to prom and formal senior year...he's the only one who isn't a jerk, I was the jerk in that relationship. With Adrian, yea, we hung out and stuff but it was always informal and wasn't really a date...just kinda happened: "doing anything?" "No..." "wanna catch a bite?" "yea, sure, y not?"
*sigh*...what's wrong with me? I guess I'm looking for validation when I shouldn't. Nothing is really wrong with me...I'm just naturally strange. =P It would just be nice if someone asked me out this year...I mean, okay, yea my resolution for this school year was to go on two dates...and yea, accomplished...but I wanted romance out of one of em at least. I got two real good friendships out of those dates, not that I'm complaining, just where's prince charming this year? Aw, pooh! U know what else I learned today? AFter talking with Mai about Bobby...yea, I figured something out or at least am questioning this: Why is it after a guy goes through a break up...they end up hanging out more with their ex afterwards? It's like they never broke up? I kinda get teary eyed thinking about it cuz I've gone through it...it confused me cuz what are we? Are we just friends? Are we working towards another start? Friends with benefits? After a while it just gets weird...cuz then other people come into play. Why do u end up hanging out after the break up...did u finally realize what u took for granted cuz it's gone now? I know I stay friends because we have issues to work out...things that weren't right when we were together and realize that being friends is all for the better...I don't get it...why? I don't wanna be anyone's rebound girl...I've played that girl before and that got me more pain than I was ready for. I played the role of the one ON THE REBOUND...led me on relationship after relationship. Very bad...I cower at myself and my past cuz I was so naive and so stupid. Finally realizing that I shouldn't had been forcing to be in a relationship...work it up slowly, God will take care of the rest *yea sorry, stole a line from Musiq's music video* I just want things to work out...isn't there any guy out there just looking for someone to hang with cuz that's really all I'm looking for...
Anyways, Spring break...just around the corner. The only thing standing in my way is those three ugly finals on Monday, tuesday, and Wednesday...SPORTSFEST @ Cal Poly Pomona that weekend...dood, come out and watch me and my friends play!!!! U'll be in my hood and we can hang...show u the ghettoness of Pomona, West cove, Covina, Azusa...626, where u at? LoL 909, I see ya! I haven't been home in a while...I don't wanna go home...i dont wanna be here anymore either...I just wanna get away...whether it's vegas or san fran...whichever...I'm just looking for something new and something adventurous...something to make me feel alive again! Give me a reason y I am going thru any of this stuff anymore...

song of the moment: "First Love" Utada Hikaru...any version Japanese, english, or piano

Song lyrics: Saigo no kisu wa tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni irundarou
Dare wo omotterundarou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashi uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki dasouto shiteru
Wasureta kunai kotobakari

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anatawo omotterundarou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

Mood: Feeling the hope burning through me...

Click on that link and u will definitely waste about 2-3 mins of ur life on BS! It would figure that such a narrow-minded, egotistical, sexist, homebody would say such gibberish. Honestly, you think that after so many years of college *in his case they must have pitied him and finally given him his diploma so he would get the heck out their freakin school cuz they were all tired of his BS* people would open their minds to many different views of life...but Jeff Collins leaves me completely irate! First off, Jeff Collins portrays as though all women are the same...that on behalf of the human race, he speaks for everyone and says that women are this or that. Overgeneralizing? I believe so...have you met every women on this planet to say any of this is COMPLETELY TRUE? To an extent, there may find some viable truth in his words but that depends on a person's personal perspective. I do not even think this BOY has had ENOUGH CONTACT WITH WOMEN to say ANYTHING at all...I maybe 19 but I know that when I talk about my experiences (which seems to have stayed consistent with the men I have encountered) I nearly almost say, "In my own experience...blah blah blah" I know that what happens to me doesn't necessarily occur to every other woman in this universe. Through my own experience I have noticed that guys are Coniving, sneaky, after one thing, competitive, think they are above me...perhaps that is just me, but usually consensus from other women I have encountered, they tend to agree with this...but do u see me declaring it as some kind of FACT? If I do come off doing so, then I apologize...I state what I believe is true...and perhaps that is what Jeff is doing then, by all means do so. However, it does not seem to appear that he is simply stating opinion; it appears that he is stating a PROVEN FACT. His article may bring up "issues" that are related to women, but where is his evidence? He says nothing to really prove it...I can make a list of so many instances where I can prove guys have no regard, at times, for others feelings...they do what is best for them. They don't take into account that their actions toward another can be taken to the heart. Honestly, I feel a lil hurt that Janzel posted such a thing for others to see...y make the world more stupid and waste other's times with non-factual BS. "As far as history goes there have been many great men in power and not many great women. Oppression is no argument for this case because if women truly where the superior gender then men would be oppressed. To date there has yet to be a female President." To an extent, yes, you may have a point that if women were truly the superior gender then men would be the oppressed...but y does anyone have to really be the suprerior gender...the superior race...the superior anything? It is this PATRIARCHAL HIERARCHY that leads weakened minds to believe that this whole one up-one down shiz should actually exist. I admit I do get competitive...but only cuz I am in a constant struggle to have to defend myself...I am a woman...a minority to boot...in a society as diverse and hectic as the one we live in, I have to find some way to make myself stand out. That doesn't necessarily mean that as a woman I have to be the SUPERIOR to anyone else...to have to prove that being a woman is not some kind of sin or degrading thing. Why create more hate in this world by dividing genders? It is given, we are definitely different inside...physically we have different instrumentation but should that make a difference and say that one is better than the other? Each case differs...to generalize people into these particular "gender descriptions" is to say that you are just as weak as those you describe...

Why must I constantly defend myself? I do not like having to do so but I am not to let myself become the butt of someone's joke again...tease all u want people, but karma hits u like a rock...trust me, I know! Yes, I tend to defend very strongly but how does anyone really defend themselves...do it to weakly and people will still take advantage of u...do it too strongly people think u have something to hide...where is the balance? I dost protest too much, but it's okay...I have a right to, I suppose. Yes, I think hardcoreness begins Friday...or Saturday, depends on plans but I doubt any will be made. Anyways, need my sleep...tmw will be a long day and a nap before com is going to be difficult if there is a final review right before.

Song of the moment: "Say that" DnH *yes, the words seem very relative to me in so many instances but really, it is a good song...dl and listen!

Lyrics: Just when I’m feeling like we’re getting closer
Lady, you turn around and drift apart
And now you got me in a state of confusion
I just don’t understand what we are Oh yeah
Tell me girl exactly what it is that you’re doing
I know you’re feeling my company
But is that all I am to you?
Kicking back with someone new
Is that all that you want...?

Chorus:
Say that you don’t care and I’ll walk away
Say you don’t give a damn and I won’t stay
But if you feel the same way that I feel
Girl you gotta show it [show it]
Cause girl I wanna know it.

Ahhh...

Tell me you don’t know the situation
Cause girl I know you know what’s going on
How we be chillin all day, and making love all night
And still I sense that something’s wrong [wrong]
Maybe there’s a part of you that’s scared and cautious
Maybe you just don’t feel the same
Well whatever it may be
Baby just be straight with me,
What exactly is it you want [want]

[Chorus]

Yeah la da da da da da da Oh Yeah Ahh Whoa

[Chorus]

What is it you're feeling
What is it you're needing
I know you know what’s going on
So if you feel the same,
way that I feel
Baby come on break it down
tell me what it is you want

Just tell me, Tell me what you want [yea, yea]
Baby just tell me, Tell me what you want [yea, yea]
Just tell me, Tell me what you want

Mood: Sleepy and having a tummy ache...too much OJ

I actually studied last nite too...after the PCH logistics meeting, which went well, by the way...yea, we're going jet skiing for our retreat again but don't know where yet exactly...we're suppose to go on the sunday of spring break...the one that we get back on. It'll be fun like always. Anyways, my component got combined with teen pregnancy last nite...next year, it'll be one component. All good...I wanna do it again anyways cuz I wanna implement some of my own events and ideas and maybe it'll take me a rebuilding year to do so. Anyways, I don't know...I just felt like shiz after that...but I talked with Catherine for an hour about "my situation". Yea, totally understanding of it...but she advices me to watch myself...which I know cuz I've told myself the same thing....and so has everyone else in my life. But yea...I went back to the dorm, worked on my Fil Am stuff and finished after watching American Idol...haha I wish I had the voice and the balls to do that...but I don't so I guess really no worries. Haha, I went studying after that...went to 7 lounge again and it was nice for a while until they started to talk at the same time again...it is so weird like they know that when I'm in there, they say, "let's annoy her." I went to 5s...sorta alright but there was a couple in there that was making me sick...went to 5n and studied there...it was reallllllly quiet...I think from now on I'll just study there cuz I find it very peaceful compared to others. yea, I came back at around like 12:30 and I took a shower...someone asked me if I'd been studying up on the 5th floor...Yea, everybody keep teasin me!!!! Sheesh...U all act like we're together or something when we aren't...we're only friends...actually, only "basketball homies" so get off my @**...I was studying BY MYSELF! Ugh...yea, I took a shower at 1 and got done at like 1:30...couldn't sleep so I started looking for pix to use in my oral interview report...I wanna do a diary thing so I wanna include pix. But yea, that got boring...I went to the study loung at like 2...Jigar and Alina were in there...NOT STUDYING...haha yea, they seemed a lil out of it. Jigar made fun of my shirt cuz it was a curious george thing...u all act like I didn't like monkeys before I met George...sheesh, look at my car! I got monkeys in there...my pj's, my slippers, a couple of my t-shirts...shoot, my old webpage layout was revolved around monkeys, especially curious george. SO BLAH ON U PEOPLE! Yea, it was rather entertaining to watch alina show me that u can cut u hair with a hole puncher...haha demonstration on Jigar was what convinced me...lol...everyone needs a good laugh when it comes to tenth and finals week.
I interviewed Grace today...it was pretty cool. I realized she had it good in the PI and she has it good here too...I just wish she was married...she doesn't seem the type of person to go through life without a significant other. She's forty...I hope God sends her someone. Desie sneaked out of it...lol, I wanted to hear her story. It's all good...I think I have enough for some kind of basis to write things on. SOme of it might be a lil embellished but it's okay...
I talked shortly with Chrisma today...yea, we're still down for the san fran trip...though I would really like to go to Vegas for at least one night...yea, cuz of bobby...only cuz I'm curious. He still intrigues me in a way...I think he does know how to treat a woman. haha yea, I think he would be able to handle me or at least be able to be OPEN with me about things. Unlike some other guys I know...yea, let's not mention that right now. But yea, I don't know about spending the night w/him though...not like that people...but just being alone in the room with him...I don't htink I'd be able to sleep comfortably knowing that something could happen...I mean future-wise...what happens if we did date or something...I don't know...I'm jumping to conclusions when I really shouldn't. Jumping to conclusions has already got me into enough trouble or disappointment...take ur pick on that one. But yea, I just wanna chill for a minute and then go do stuff...

Nothing and NO ONE to look forward to anymore...I think it's better that way...No expectations=no disappointment. *sigh* Looking forward to spring break and getting the hell away from here...just leaving it all behind!

Song of the moment: "Lately" Divine

lately...I've been watching u...been thinking about u and everything u do...just sitting away watching the days go by...lately I've been torn apart...wish u hadn't broke my heart...missing u babe, missin u everyday...

Mood: Fed up with things...

This morning I awoke to the sweet scent of roses in the morning air in my quaint lil dorm room...I don't think I've ever had that happen before...it was very relaxing/calming and peaceful to wake up to after a hectic night of craving and pondering. I don't know what I really was seeking for last night since I was wandering aimlessly for answers to no questions...I don't know, I'm stupid I suppose. But yea yea yea...had to do some deliveries today at murphy and schlicter but for some reason I couldn't remember where schlicter was at...I was already leaving murphy when I decided to go to YRL and find out...saw the info desk, watched as the guy left his post, I quickly went up to the counter and looked at the map...I thought I was gonna get away w/out the info guy asking me if he could help me but he came back just as I was beginning to look at the map. I told him I was looking for Schlicter and the poor guy didn't even know either...I found it before he did and I just ran off, thanking him in my whiskful turn. I hurried past the three "I'm going to college" tours that I encountered on the way back to LS...hearin the bells toll 12...I knew I was late for my second pass already...I ran to Schlicter and couldn't figure out where to go for a while but finall figured it out...and guess what, the professor wasn't even there...I had to get back out the maze and go back to the office to return the memorandum. I did a quick application of my class that I wish to take for second pass and found the discussion I wanted was taken *ARGH*...now I have a friday class at 8 in the morning...UGH! There goes my plans of having mon and fri off...well, at least I still have monday off. We'll see if I can switch discussions later...
After that, I ran out the office and headed to Ackerman...ran some (actually many) copies off at PULSE for George... some bio tests that aiza had. I hate their copiers...no seriously, I hate them! They purposely made mistakes for me so I could pay more! haha, I know how to work a copier...I work two diff kinds at work but this one...this one was slow to begin w/ but also fed the paper oddly and sometimes just printed blank pages when there wasn't a blank page there. Kinda pissed me off but nonetheless, I didn't care cuz I just wanted to get out of there. I ran out of there and went back to the dorm...it was too late for a nap before class but I relaxed by watching some TV. Yea, I went to Fil Am and got dismissed early...I decided to catch some food at Crossroads since Puzzles just closed at 3 and I hadn't swiped all day...I don't think I'll ever go there again...first of all, there was a rude woman working there and second, they burned my food. How can anyone mess up nachos? It's not that difficult, u just put cheese on top of the chips and heat it up....they burned the chips...the chicken was dry and tasted old...ICK! I don't know about that...I went back to the room and fell asleep...I think the grease did me in...My stomach has been irritated since. Never again...UGH! Yea, well, I tried to do some studying tonight in our lounge but Jigar, Alina, and MIke and his Chem or physics lab buddies were there and were SOOOOO VERY LOUD!!!! I couldn't concentrate. I decided to go up to the top floor and work my way down for a nice lounge. I was in the 7 floor lounge for a while...it was very serene and easy for me to study until....everyone decided to talk at the same exact time and do it very loudly...so I went down one floor...6 floor was full and loud...went to 5s, full...went to 5n...one other person and it was quiet so i stayed in there for an hour or so....I got thirsty and was getting sleepy...I read enough of com for the night. Ugh, tmw's tuesday...My long days...when do u make the horror stop???? I don't know...we'll see what happens...hopefully it'll be a nice day.

Song of the moment: "A love like ours" (it's an instrumental)

It's like a wedding song...the ones u play in the background when dinner is being served

Mood: Sleepy >-<

The search for seeking truth lately is all I've been looking for...the outward look I have on life seems to grow more than my appetite for knowledge, which last quarter (or was it last spring/summer) was my means of spreading my wings. Now, as another quarter seems to come to an end in my meager lil life here at UCLA I seem to desire more than what is being handed to me. Seeking retribution in anything only so I may procrastinate just a bit longer from this eemingly meaningless deed of "studying." I admit, I like somethings that I'm learning about, like in Communication Studies but stuff like Atmospheric Sciences...I find it unbaringly boring. I want to run and scream and go, "I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS!!!!" If I have to hear another droned out monotoned lecture from Dr. Lew I am going to just die in my seat. There are parts of me that wish I stayed in Phy. Sci. only because I really am interested in learning about the functions of our body and how I can someday prevent those in my life from being permanently physically ill...like my poor ankles and knee. To help struggling athletes in high school or college, someday, make it to some place where they are appreciated for their talents as athletes instead of criticized and ridiculed for their lack of talents and intelligence. I wanted to be that person to help them grow...I still want to be that person but for me, I feel I have flaked out on my dreams only cuz I wanna keep it safe...I hate to fail at things especially one that pertains to a dream of mine. I need that but to an extent I suppose...I don't think I can't take any more disappointment or heartache in my life...a torn and wilted heart that is as weak as my own can only handle so much...it's seen it's share and is afraid to risk itself once again. The predicament I am in as of late is one of a two fold reasoning...I say something, it may change things...drastically change things. I don't do anything about it, and I'll always wonder. But yea, does anything really matter at this point? No, cuz I'm happy with the way things are and don't wanna give that up for anything in this world.
------------

AIYAH!

I'm lost right now...craving sweets and greasy foods!!! Went to Diddy today and ordered a bunch of shiz...I don't know. I went to dinner today and was like half asleep. I am hoping it is a really common reason that I am going thru this and not for another reason which I tend to go thru when I have no idea what is going on. I've been trying to work on my community assessment but I don't have all the info...I just might go to the Peace It Together thing tomorrow and use that and just use the Health fair as an extra credit thing since it wasn't as largely a Pilipino population as I hoped it would have been. I have my second pass tmw...hopefully things go well and I'll end up having monday and friday off!!! haha YEA! There's the easy way out that I always take...pathetic, I know but it's the way I am...I don't think that will ever really change. My lazy fat butt...argh! I wanna go work out or run or play ball but it's kinda getting late and it is tenth week...why am I not studying? *sigh* I'm still taking things day by day and hoping that I'll be able to say something before the quarter's out....

Song of the moment: "I miss you" Aaliyah

Song lyrics: I can't live no more...since u went away I don't really feel like talking...no one here to love me...baby do u understand me... I can't do a thing without u...it's been too long...and I'm lost w/out u...what am I gonna do...saying I'm needing u...wanting u...

Happy thought: EddiexBoi: and nobody's conspiring against u..
EddiexBoi: unless they are all falling in love with you...

Eddie always knows the right things to say to make things all better...thanx, I needed to hear that:-D
If there were more Eddies in this world, I would never have to worry about never finding love or a friend =P

Mood: Craving...lol
----------------

Um, technically it is tmw morn
I feel sorta good about myself right now...I did some work tonight...SURPRISE!?!?! *shock* A lil grade booster...hopefully there is a cloud or two in the sky so I could jot it down and get some ex. credit for atmo sci too. Hey, any lil bit helps me... even though the class is being taken pass/no pass...*sigh* disappointing of me. But yea, quarter is coming down to the wire now...tenth week!!!! EEEK! Whew! I gotta crack down a lil bit more. I have no reason not to...I have everything right in front of me, completely simplified and if I don't get a good grade it is because I'm a lazy bum and stupid to boot. Text messages from Gabe...he's on his way home from San Jose...he had hella fun! Random call from George tonight...dropped a cute lil centerpiece which for some reason made my night...how pathetic, huh? LoL But yes, things are winding down...I gotta face it...one more quarter and some people are out of here and I'm drawing closer and closer to being out of here myself. Scary...I think I'll just not take anything to heart for now...don't wanna ruin the next three months of my life worrying about the future when things are all happening now. Crazy thing of the night: Nick...yes, I said Nick. The boy who occupied my thoughts for a while in high school...yes, after the whole Hugo situation. That was a crazy time in my life since he had a gf and I was naive as any lil girl could possibly be. I think was what, only sixteen at the time and he was like ummm..19 or something...i don't remember. It's been so long since I've last talked to him. I think I still have those letters we wrote back to each other. I think I still remember a line that always hit me with this inexplainable feeling: "I wish I could kiss your lips because a kiss from hopeless romantics such as us would be like no other..." something like that...very poetic and unlike any poetry I ever read or heard. Wow, the past has been coming up lately...I don't know if that's a sign for me to face it once again and push it back behind me so i can move on or maybe it's all just coincidental...I don't know.

Song of th emoment: *playing on my player* a Medley sung by 6th day (former members of DNH, Innerlude, and Kai)
If u ever get the chance to hear them sing together...do it! Their voices blend so well, better than when they were in their respected groups.

Mood: Smiling =)