I'm just really stupid...

The more I pray to God for answers...the more he gives them to me and I'm just so stupid enough to ignore it. It's not easy to let go when u've come this far...I just can't turn my back...

Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you
And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me
Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing now
I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you
And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you
But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now
I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most

It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many questions...many without answers...and many answers without questions...to my understanding, I truly believe that is a mysterious wonder of the world...

With that being said, this is why I bring this up:
a question recently posted on someone's profile *someone I once new* gave me an urge to post it on my blog and see what others think about it

if you could choose between being with someone you WANT and someone you NEED, how would you pick?

Now there is a question...none of this, what if they are the same person type shiz...I mean in all honesty there are always people that we want and then there are those we need...how could we ever choose without being in that lose-lose situation? It's like saying that I must choose between someone I love and may possibly be the one or choose to keep my father as a part of my life...you just can't put someone in that position. It would just hurt too much knowing you gotta pick the one you need versus the one u want...u know, like a childhood crush...u just can't have it all.

Anyways, I decided to take a nap today after I got back from work...I hit the couch at around 4 and never really woke up til 8...hehe a nice 4 hr nap. What a relaxing type deal for me. But what trips me out the most is the dreams I had while I was asleep.

I realize I'm in this house...supposedly my cousins house but the thing is, in real life that wasn't there house. I see my family running around as they always do and then there's Redman chilling...and then he starts talking to me and we end up in some room, I think my cousin's room. someone was in there playing a video game and we end up near the back...I see an eye in the sky camera and I wonder why it's there but then I realize I have other things to deal with cuz Redman was closing in on me...and in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Sheena, no, you have a bf...u can't do this. U know u can't...but then again, Ron would probably have told me to do it...I mean it's Redman...how can I say no?!!?!" Then it happens. He kisses me...soft, sweet...it was really nice. Totally unexpected coming from him...one thing leads to another and some shiz starts to happen and then that's when I stop it all. I break free and I tell him, "I can't...I have a bf. I'm sorry." Then the weirdest thing happens...he looks all disappointed, like he can't believe I didn't say anything about a bf...as if we were suppose to be together...and then he storms away...and I can't help but take one last look at the camera on the ceiling like "damn, it's all on tape..." hehe I guess I woke up a lil bit and fell back asleep cuz then I realize I'm in this supermarket. It was huge...very vivd in my imagination still...aisles and aisles of food with a huge ass food court the size of one in a mall. There was a guy there...a boy worker and I don't know how we came to not like each other but I recall walking down through the store and he started throwing cupcakes and donuts at me...and to make fun of him I had caught one and started eating it. Then another worker came over to see what was wrong with him and I walked away quickly out the store not realizing I still had the basket of non-paid items with me...but no alarm had gone off...so I quickly went back in and ran into that other worker who stopped the guy throwing shiz at me and asked me if I had forgotten something and I said yeah...um, I wanted another can of soup....then I went to the registers and paid and that was it.

Weird huh? They were so vivid in my mind...I just don't understand why I would have a thing for Redman or even why I would have a grocery store worker throwing food at me...weird weird weird

It all falls down

So once again my brother takes another shot at me...as if I don't have enough on my back without him riding me on a regular basis...typical older/younger sibling relationship..."i'm older therefore I know more than you..." or something along the lines that says, I'm smarter, better...blah...

So here's the situation...Saturday night, everyone is already nestled into their prospective spots for the night and Rain comes strolling in w/the cousins: Nate, Girard, and Hero. Of course, Hero almost gets me in trouble by saying out loud: "Hey, let me see a picture of your boyfriend!" Like dang, as if it's hard enough trying to find the right time to intro Ron without someone doing that...but yeah, so then we get to talking about my schooling...and then my major...and then (of course, everytime my major comes up I get a really bad nagging deal from the family...) "Dang, just like Arnold...blah blah blah"...Rain throws in: "What the hell are you going to do with that? You're paying all that money for English. That's stupid." I shot him a look and said, "you're one to talk!" Then he returned: "Look, I realized how much money I was paying and did the smart thing by going to a community college now." "What?!?! You realized? Are you sure u didn't mean, 'kicked out'?" Okay, let me clarify something...my brother originally was attending UCI...for many years...and was kicked out. He was a studio art major there...So put two and two together. What got me the most was the fact that he was kicked out of UCI after 6 yrs., practically, and then he's going to a community college (more money), just so he can get into UCLA. Was anything my brother saying making any sense? So that teed me off and I shot back those replies. And he, of course, does what he always does in a situation like this: he brings up something to blackmail me and make me feel bad: "I'll tell dad about that mooching bf of yours. blah blah blah" So, I had the killer in that argument because me having a boyfriend is nothing as bad as Rain and Jing's @******. I have shit up the ying yang about my brother and he thinks he could phase me with that shit...and then it hit me, he could phase me. Cuz unlike him, I have a conscience...and it doesn't allow me to do such bad things without feeling consequences...and that's how it is for me...the youngest...the only girl...

When my mom was alive, at least she was there for me...understanding that I was going through things and that at times, acting up was normal. Although she still didn't tolerate it, there are things that my mom and I shared that my dad and Rainier would never understand. And at times, sometimes I still feel like I blame Rainier for her death (and I know it isn't his fault)...I just can't help but feel that he contributed somehow to darker times in our family. I know I made mistakes...but the good part about my mistakes are the fact that they weren't made out to larger situations. Granted that when I fell asleep at the wheel, I scraped a wall...but take in the circumstances, I was told the wrong directions...I was the only one able to drive...I made the best of crappy situation. Then there was Rain's accident...he lied to take the van out...supposedly he was swerved into and then we lost the case...we lost in the financial situation...now look at us. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and people around me act like that shouldn't bother me...but it does. How would you feel if your father turns to you and says: "I have no faith left in your brother. All my faith is in you...you have to finish...you have to finish because that's what your mom wanted you to do...you have to..." As if it's easy...Rain would understand that classes are difficult at a big college such as UCI or UCLA...granted that my school does have one the best English departments in the state, I think I will be alright. Take into account that I've picked up a minor: Poli Sci, nonetheless. Rainier thinks he's the shit now that he's at a community college getting good grades but I've been getting good grades...when I went to Mt. Sac for summer school, I rocked that Poli Sci class with flying colors and got my A. It's different going to intimate class of 30-40 students and going to a lecture of 200-400+ students. You learn what you can and make the most of some great professors. I tried the science route here and I didn't like it...doesn't mean that I won't turn back to it someday...I still am doing volunteer work (more than I can say about my brother). I like doing the health thing...I like doing the English thing...and now I like doing the Law thing...so sue me if you think that is bad. Sue me if you think that my life choices are bad. I like my life and for an asshole like you to take a shot at me like that seeing how your life has been the past ten years, you have no right to do that. If anything, as my older brother you should be an example for me not a fucking competitor. Now that mom is gone, don't try and look to me for an ally. You don't turn to your lil sister for money as if I'm your bank...I have my own bills to pay...my own things to take care of. Go mooch off your gf a lil more, you fucking bastard. You already ruined my life ten years ago...you probably don't even remember all the fucked up shit you did to me as a child. I have more shit on you than you'll ever have on me. I gotta go back to work...you know, the thing you've never had in your life!


I'm done with this shit!