I want more than you give me...

I think I deserve it...

You know what's the hardest thing to swallow???

The bullshit that ur family feeds u...

So what if my major is American Literature and Culture? Yeah yea yea, i know i won't be making the big bucks but doesn't mean you gotta knock me down for it...gotta tell me what all these people are doing and how much money they are gonna make. I tried out sciences here at UCLA...I liked it but not as much as other people here do...it's like this, I'm not trying to compete with other people...I wanna learn something...I wanna make a difference, as corny as that sounds. Sometimes I just get upset that these people are doing things for the money...it hurts me because my passion has always been writing...as a kid, that's the awards I would win was for stories I would write...in high school, english is what I excelled at...and in college, english is the only thing that I got really good grades in...so what then?

I took up poli sci as minor for a while...i kinda enjoyed it but started too late. I guess I disillusioned myself as well as others that I wasn't going to be just another teacher or something of that nature...to show that there is more diversity in my major...telling myself that there is more opportunities with both my english major and poli sci minor...saying there's a chance at law school...

who was I really fooling?

the stuff interested me but not enough as a driving force to motivate me...I'm not much of a political person. I don't like getting into shit like that but the inner workings of the whole government caught my eye...I use to think I was gonna be someone big...whether it was sports or something else and now, I just think I'm gonna be a nobody. Another person who has taken both the road less traveled by and the road often traveled upon...and where does it get me-THE SAME DAMN PLACE.

I like writing...no one can knock me down for that. Ask my friends...they think my words can truly mean something. Even some great friends who like and appreciate the advice I give think that my writing will be something big some day...That's what makes me strive more to be in this major...but the more I hear "oh, so you are going into teaching..." or "what can u do with that?"...well, it just strives for me to stray away from what I love. It's a dream killer, on the real. I use to care a lot more...and the more people seem to push me into staying in a major that was more for money and fame than meaning, the more I got turned off of it. I direly wanted to be an athletic trainer u know like gary vitti but only female =P...i wanted to help athletes like myself from getting hurt. I mean honestly, injuries kill u...i love sports and if i didn't have it in my life I'd be nothing...but man, it's hard. People think it is so easy to go from high school and be one of the tops then head off to college and expect the same results. It's not like that...my drive here in college is different from my drive in high school. In high school I lived for sports...I lived to get into UCLA...here at UCLA now, I just want to get out...start my life...away from the drama and all the pressures of having to be tops. I mean I'd be happy with an office job. I like it, in fact...don't get me wrong and start believing that I'm settling for lower than my potential...just understand that I'm not out for the money...It's a nice plus but I'm more for things that I enjoy. What is a job if u don't enjoy it? I'd probably die from an ulcer or heart attack cuz I'm so fucking stressed out...I don't want a job like that...I don't want a future like that. I don't wanna be sucked into a job where my family ends up coming second in my priorities. They should always be first...that's what they deserve and that's what I want.

Next time u ask me my major and I tell u, "American Literature and Culture", think about my feelings and how much my major means to me before you start cringing ur face and asking me what the hell that will bring me in life. It hurts that the ones i love most will look down upon me because of my decision. My passion lies deeper than any damn grade, gpa, degree, job, or money can bring me. I can't love something that puts me through shit I don't need...simplicity always. The hardest time of my life has been these past four years...I've lost so many people i have loved and lost ties to people I use to be close to...found out about things I didn't want to know...and came to the realization that i'm not bigger than life. Isn't it enough that I got into my dream school...that I am finishing up my college career...that maybe this really is leading to bigger and better things despite what you believe? Don't take away from my achievement...u know how many people would gladly trade places with me to get this far in their life?

I have proven to myself that i can make it and even though I shouldn't care what you guys think, I can't help but still cling to your every word. You guys matter to me...so why the heck would you guys take away from who I am?

Be happy for me...