After last nite, I'd rather put up with the living situation as it is...hahaha...two stupid things don't make anything right. I had to front sooooo much yesterday...Ugh, y I continuously let myself get caught up in this weird shiz is beyond me...Y I keep fronting like this shiz is gonna help me, I just will never figure it out...I guess a person can only do so much so they can get through the day which basically leads to me: why am I even alive? Why do I bother trying??? It's the funniest thing in the world to ask myself knowing full well that you are only as good as you feel and if you don't feel good about urself of course u'll feel yucky. I just gotta keep telling myself that I'll get by. I will get by...ugh!!! I guess hanging out with Francis today and just seeing how he takes in life, makes me want to just be free more too. We'll see though. Ugh...we'll see. I'm gonna go to bed...too much on the mind

Mood: Lost

I find it so easy to just get lost in a moment...seeking the meaning behind the surface. I guess ur popping into my head again and i don't know what to do about it. After last nite I started realizing how much I really had fallen for you...and how much I wish I hadn't...but I guess it was easy to get lost in you when you were so easy to care for. I sometimes still wish you felt the same and that things weren't so distant between us. I'm trying to move on...slowly but surely I am getting there, however, I know that next time I see you I'll probably be back to where I began--at square one. I can continuously ask myself why I feel this way but I already know the answer to that question...it goes without saying...I keep thinking about you and realizing why I liked you so much...you weren't perfect but you were perfect for me, in a sense that is. I still can't find it in my heart to let go even when I didn't really have you in the first place...Yea, Kate Hudson said it best in How to Lose a Guy in 10 days: "No, Ben...you can't lose what you never had." You were something else, that was for sure. I never felt that way about anyone and that really scares me...I've told someone before that I loved him and at the time I swore I knew what love was...but then after you, I knew that those feelings weren't as strong as what I felt for you...I wasn't in love with you...I couldn't have been...that was just way too fast for me... You were just something else to me...I wish I knew what that something else was. Back then, and even now, people still tell me to forget you but it isn't so easy when I'm nursing such crazy emotions for ya. I guess this is my farewell...as long as it may be (How can I say good-bye when it takes me this long???), I can't hold on anymore...I'll keep fighting this internal fight cuz you will never see me the same way I see you...I lost before I even got the chance to fight for you...sad...Somewhere deep inside I'll still care cuz you can never get rid of true feelings. *sigh*

No one can understand the things that are going through my mind right now...don't ask me about it...don't try to push the subject either. I have nothing to talk about with anyone right now...I don't want to be home...and I don't want to be at my apt...I don't know where I belong right now...

song of the moment: "I wish I wasn't" Heather Headley

Mood: Down about you...out of my mind cuz of the world

Well, I left on Friday for the CSC retreat...I ran into Francis on my way to the apt...I think he's a really great guy but he just has so much going on that he doesn't realize he's missing out on stuff around him. But yea, he told me about his crazy night and stuff...I went back to the apt to pack up for the CSC retreat...I couldn't wait to go. Lake Arrowhead once again...YEA...or so I thought. I took George with me...everyone thought he was a cute ass dolly...brought him along cuz ever since i got him I find it a lil hard to sleep if he's not in my arms or by my side. But yea...Arrowhead was fun but sooooo very hottttt! I have never been that hot before. From intros to drink downs to packing up...yea, it was fun all the way. I think PCH lived up to our reputation...we know when to party and when to get down to business. We stayed in the master bedroom...had a walk in closet and the prettiest bathroom u have ever seen. There was a glass door on the shower, a hot tub, two sinks and a separate lil room for the toilet. It was crazy...but the thing was, the shower was right next to the doorway and there was no door!!! We ended up finding a curtain to put over the door. We had freaky ass gnomes in our room...and a crazy ass black ragged doll in the closet. Marf and I slept in the closet...haha it was funny. CSC lived up to the trad...haha yea, drunk for the second time in my life...full aware of it! Taking shot after shot after shot of vodka was crazy!!!! But yea, Sunday was a slow starting day...I got home Sunday only to have my happiness drop like it never happened. My side of the room was rearranged...many things were out of place. Apparently Daniel's parents came over so they tossed my shit around so nothing girly was out...I didn't mind that but the fact that they didn't put it back the way they found it really ticks me off!!! Farida said she wasn't here but that Rose and Daniel did it...FUCKING SHIT! They took the ribbon off my lamp...moved my clothes out of arrangement and the thing that ticked me off the most was the picture of my mom/family was out of place...or just strewn back into the bookshelf like it was just another thing. I'm very particular the way I have my stuff and to have someone move it pisses me off...especially something as important as my mom. SO I was sooo mad...ugh...I don't care right now if I don't talk to anyone in the apt. IF my stuff cant be respected then i can't expect them to respect me back and not try to make me any less significant than they ahve already made me. I was so glad i hung out with Chris today...watching movies and eating up a storm helped...I need a rearranged life....away from here

Mood: sleepy