I'm so empty inside right now...Gosh, I haven't had my heart ripped from me in a long time...this one is a shocker for me...

I'm losing it more and more everyday...

*sigh*

Since it's hard for me right now to put things into words, I will try and piece things together for everyone to understand (I hope you are reading this...):

"Baby, I just don't get it...do you enjoy being hurt?"
"If I was your man...(baby, you'd) never worry about (what I do)...I'll be coming home (back to you)...every night, doing you right. You're the type of woman (deserves good things)...fist full of diamonds (hand full of rings)...baby, you're a star (I just wanna show you you are) you should let me love you..."let me be the one too give you everything you want and need...baby, good love and protection, make me your selection...show you what love's suppose to be...let me love you...love you...love you"
"You're true beauty's description
looks so bad that it hurts
You're a dime pluss 99, it's a shame--don't even know what you're worth"
"You deserve better, girl..."
~Mario, "Let me love you"

"I'm so sick of being lonely, every night while my man goes out with his homies.
I want to know how it feels to be loved...be loved"
"My wife ain't hit me on my pager or cell
And when I CALL HER, I keep gettin' the damn voice mail
What's goin' on?"
"You can't play the Diamond mommy foolish like Ashanti
You gotta convince me nigga if you really want me
Tell me what happened to the Tiffany gifts
And all the quality time and Caribbean trips
Now you creep with them freaks every night of the week
I'll see you 7:45 by the side of ya streets
I'm sick of bein lonely, I'm ready to creep
You out trickin with ya homies, I'm hittin the streets"
~Field Mob ft. Trina, "Sick of being lonely" Remix

"I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door
I fed you so many times but some how I want more
I don't mind spending every day on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay a while
She will be loved..."
"Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise
It moves us on..."
~Maroon 5, "She will be loved"

" I've gotten close so many times...trying to fit in, I don't know why
I had to leave behind a dream that could be mine..."
"I promise you that love won't be easy...I promise you there'll be times apart..."
"Sometimes I know it's hard for you...wondering if we'll make it through..."
"You showed me who I am...I know you understand...You taught me how to trust...not be afraid of love...I'm not afraid to look into your eyes...I surrender to love, I open up and let you inside..."
~Allure, "You're the only one for me"

"On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care."
"I'll always be waiting for you,
So you know how much I need ya,
But you never even see me, do you?"
"So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even seen me."
~Coldplay, "Shiver"

"Woke up this morning...found a letter that she wrote...she said she's tired that I'm always on the road...too hard to swallow being alone...she needs someone in life that she can call...she must have told me a thousand times or more...silent cries that I use to ignore...God, knows I love her but I didn't mean to hurt her...Baby, I'll be sitting here waiting on you to come home again...I won't be, promise, I'll be here to the very end...I'll be by your side to protect you, to love you, and to be with you for life...come on home to me..."
"I can't support her, treat her, and spoil her...you know, buy her the finer things...But I forgot about loving her...damn, the money, the diamonds, and furs...What about the hard day she had...All she needed was me to love her..."
"And it hurts so bad..."
~Anthony Hamilton, "Charlene"

"I pray for better days to come
Pray that I'll see the sun
Life is so burden
Everyday is a rainy one..."
~John Legend, "Refuge"

"It could all be so simple but you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity"
"Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way"
"No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't working...
and when i try to walk away, you hurried yourself to make me stay...this is crazy"
"I keep letting you back in...how can I explain myself? As painful as this thing has been, I just can't be with no one else. See, I know what we got to do...you let go and I'll let go too. No one has hurt me more than you..."
"Care for me, care for me, I know you care for me...There for me, there for me, you said you'd be there for me...cry for me, cry for me...you said you'd die for me...give to me, give to me, why won't you live for me?"
"Where were you when I needed you? Where were you...you you you you?"
~Lauryn Hill, "Ex-Factor"

"And Oh no, what's this?
Spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turn to run...thought of all the stupid things I've done.
I never meant to cause you trouble...I never meant to do you wrong...
If I ever caused you trouble...Oh no, I never meant to do you harm..."
~Coldplay, "Trouble"

"Come up to meet ya...tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are...
I had to find you...tell you I need you...tell you I set you apart...
Tell me your secrets...ask me your questions...let's go back to the start...running in circles...common tales...nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame to part...nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard...Oh, take me back to the start..."
"Tell me you love me...come back and haunt me...Oh, I wanna rush to the start..."
~Coldplay, "The Scientist"

"I'm so tired of being here...
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
If you have to leave...I wish that you would just leave
Cuz your presence still lingers here...and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal...this pain is just too real...there's just too much that time can't erase..."
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone...but though you're still with me I've been alone, ALL ALONE..."
~Evanesence, "My Immortal"

"Girl, I'm in love with you but this ain't the honeymoon...
We're passed the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love, at times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know I misbehaved and you made your mistakes
and we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work..."
"This ain't no movie, naw...
No fairy tale conclusion, ya'all
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent...
then we head back to hell again...
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And We feel like walking away..."
"Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave
Maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never fight
Maybe we won't survive
Maybe we'll grow, we'll never know...Baby, we're just ordinary people"
~John Legend, "Ordinary People"
----------------------------------------------

How do you put all this hurt into words...all this love...it use to be so easy...so natural...now it all seems so forced...so artificial...

How can I keep holding on when you keep pushing me further and further away?

It's a very sad thing...

I hate new year's too...

Dang, I swear this week is not my week. I am more disappointed, hurt, and sad rather than angry and upset. I can't believe you would stand me up...two years in a row. I guess I'll never get that midnight kiss or going out with someone and going in with someone. Gosh, I spent all of today crying...hurting...questioning God: "what have I done to deserve this? Am I really that bad of a person? I am that bad of a person...". Once again Rose heard me crying and all she could do was sit there and stare in helplessness. What can you possibly do to assuage the pain of a hurting friend?

...nothing...

I tear up at just the thought of you keeping me in wait all day and getting my hopes up knowing that you were just going to disappointment...not even a fucking phone call...just the pain of being stood up. It's 6:07 am right now...i haven't been able to sleep...I just keep thinking in my mind, "how can the one that loves me hurt me so badly?" You knew I was cooking something special...u knew how much tonight meant to me and you did it again...

God, that hurts so much...I don't even have the words to describe it.

I'm sick...alone...and heartbroken. I don't feel like doing anything and the sad part is, I still want to be with you at this very moment. You don't even know how much you mean to me...but you make it obvious how much I mean to you...

We're in the same place we were last year...and stupid me...I just won't let go...and you won't grow up...

I'm not in a happy mood...


I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!

Only a couple of hours away...like 9 to be exact...hehe

But yeah, GOOD BYE, 2004! Heellllooo, 2005!!!

Crazy...i'm anticipating this coming year more and more. I really really can't wait for 2004 to go far far far away!!! THANK YOU!!!

=P

Offer me your hand and I will give my heart
Ask me for a sketch and I'll paint a work of art
And I know I can when it's for you...

In the light of day, we all believe we can
it's when we're in the dark that we need a helping hand
Light is always there when it's for you...

I can't help it, I can't hide it
It's what you bring out in me
Cuz you give me inspiration...

Nothing's too much when it's for you...


-------------------------------------------
Betcha can't remember where this is from!!! hehe, only hardcore people like me know where this is from...everytime I hear this song, I can't help but wish I was her...I wish someone loved me that much...

There's a part of me that is hurting. I can't seem to make it stop. It continuously drops into this very very deep hole; there's no way of getting back up to ground level. I'm sorta doing a lil better since I got home...but I still feel incomplete.

I know part of it is cuz I miss Ron...yes, that fucked up asshole I call my boyfriend...I don't understand how someone who has more experience in relationships just be so unattentive...so insensitive. I know my mom's death is not something I should cling to but can I really help it? I miss her...my family sux a lil when it comes to sensitivity. All I can remember is tita lorna saying a prayer to my mom's second year anniversary of her death...wow, couldn't even remember that it's three years. *sigh* that was a blow to the heart.

*sigh*

The depression continues...

Don't be surprised if I'm not around soon...



*sigh*

Fuck you, 2004!

This is what I got for Xmas...

Rain/Jing: $25 Forever 21 gift card and a $30 Robinson's May gift card
Johnny: an appetizer grill (it's awesome!)
Farida: $10 Vicky Secret gift card, another scrapbook, scrapbook pages, and funky scissors
Rose: a 128 XD-picture memory card
Aiza/Mark: "Love is..." Tear-Away Calendar
Hoosie: "Love is..." book
Mai: The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Stacy: A tin of butterscotch and $30 Target giftcard
Tito Jun: $30
Tita Noemi: $50
Lola and Lolo: $40
Tito Paul: $20
Tita Lorna: A light orange Guess wifebeater with a G on the front
Tita Elo/Hero/Hilgard: A scarf
Tita Myrna and Tito Gerry: a Pink purse with make up bag and cell phone case
Dad: "Love Actually" DvD

I got what I wanted...

...alone time...

to make it even better, I am also feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world...

Yeah, for depression...






...wow, this is really sad =(