Sheena's SIGNS OF LOVE:
-U can feel ur face burning with heat or some part of ur body
-butterflies in ur tummy
-quick beating heart
-Endless smiling from cheek to cheek
-Nervous habits...perhaps tapping ur foot, jittery movement, talking fast
-Words spew and all u can talk about is them
-Thinking of what u can do to impress them
-thinking of how u can run into them when ur not with them...u know, a lil nice surprise
-Find something in common with them so u guys can share it together
-Realize u guys have mutual friends together
-go to the ends of the world to do something nice for them
-Buy them something u wouldn't normally buy for "just a friend"
-embarass urself either just for fun or to see them smile
-try something new for them
-Nurse them back to health when they are sick...
-Give them a shoulder to cry on when they are sad or need someone...
-Hugging them just because
-do something u don't wanna do because they like to do it
-make something for them...cookies, a poem, a song...whatever!
-The world disappears when they are around...u are the only two that exist
-U SEE THE FIREWORKS
-u shiver when they touch u that "certain" way
-being together, not saying a word, but still seem like u have just had the best convo of ur life
-U just know ur in love...the feelings are there but u cannot put them into words...u just feel it

I don't know...I got bored and this popped in my head...haha to be continued =p

So here's the deal: what's up with people these days and assuming that I am up to no good? That really hurts...what have I done that would make u think I am...ugh, nm...it's like not even worth mentioning again cuz then the tears will spring forth again and where will I be? In my bed, perhaps, sobbing like the child that I am. I feel weird, not wanting to go home...y? I know that when I go home, it'll be me stuck in my room anyways just avoiding another stupid argument. I feel broken...an integral part of me is missing and I don't know what it is or when I lost it...it's just missing. I guess the fight my brother and I had today is just a preview of things to come...but then again I'm use to it. Sux for me to be able to say that...I mean I love my brother, don't get me wrong, but there is just those quarrels...I hate it. It sucked as a child and it sux now...y can't I have a bro/sis relationship like Aiza and her bros...or George and his sis...what's wrong with us? I will never figure that out. There are things that my brother has done to me that will never be forgivable...though I will always be there for him, it never makes things right. I'm stuck in this sad mood...I just wanna get past it but it seems I ain't moving. I'm so very immobile...UGH! Anyways, I get my sacraments tmw...nervous but excited. One step closer to u God...One step closer to being w/u again MOM! I wish I had ur strength right now...Maybe I would be able to give a fighting chance...*sigh* I miss u

Song of the moment: "Heave" Nuflavor

Mood: ShIzZy!!!

Have you ever heard the song "it's over" by drop n harmony? It's a sad but good song...

Drop N' Harmony - It's Over

Here we go again
Fighting over who started the argument
Now why can't you and I just get along??
Its unfortunate, that its hard for me to even give you compliments
When all you do is bitch bout what is wrong. Wrroooonnnggg
I wish I didn't have to say…….

Its over, but believe me girl its better this way
Too many second times around,
Too many times we let each other down.
Its over, I never meant for us to end up this way
And all though it hurts like hell, I'd rather you save tomorrow
For someone else.

Now don't you get teary eyed
And act in disbelief like its ah big surprise
That one day you use tah threaten to walk out on me
And then one day we'll both look back and laugh at the stupid
Things that made us mad
And maybe decide to give our love yet another try
I wish oh I wish I didn't have to say…….Repeat chorus

Do you…….Do you think I'm enjoying this
I'm trying not to cry
I've had it up to here
I'm tired of living in misery
And I hope that we could still be friends
Once we put aside all this bitterness
Cause I still care about you
Yes…I wish I didn't have to say………….


I'd rather you save forever for someone else

Sometimes a person can get in and out of ONE relationship...love has that funny way of doing that to people. It's like u love them so much that u just can't bare to be without them but at the sametime u can't bare to be with them sometimes. Perhaps it is the way it should be but I don't think so...I think that was my mistake w/Mike. Love, we had that is true, but the first time was a learning experience. The second time it was a sign...and the weird times after that, well, it shouldn't had happened. "Its over, but believe me girl its better this way. Too many second times around, Too many times we let each other down. Its over, I never meant for us to end up this way and all though it hurts like hell, I'd rather you save tomorrow For someone else." U break up for a reason...it's something u gotta realize. I kinda had that reiterated in History class today. We were discussing "courtly love" (it isn't dead, it's just not always practiced). My professor said something really cool that clicked in me: "To really love is to allow those you love to love freely. Jealousy is a way to make someone your possession. It is a sign of mistrust...to love you must have no doubts." He summed up everything I have learned in past relationships in only a few sentences, however, you cannot really grasp that until you actually live it. I don't know what to think anymore...really, I don't. I feel emotionless at times. I just don't want to get involved with anyone cuz my heart never fully mends. It gets broken so often...I guess I've gotten use to it but that's not healthy. I want to live...the way I use to...when nothing really phased me...go with the flow and allow life to happen to me instead of me happening to my life. How can I care about someone else when i can't even care about myself half the time? Three weeks of hecticness...mindblowing craziness...complete and utter chaos...how can I not be overwhelmed and taken aback? I just want to be content...with or without someone...it doesn't matter really. I'm scared...overbearing at times, if that is even conceivable to the mind right now, but yes, feeling the pressure. Yea, anyways...gotta go to church...relax a minute or so and do my paper. I can do it...I just wish I could focus more.

Song of the moment: "somewhere I belong" Linkin park

Mood: Feeling pressured...feeling overwhelmed...feeling stressed out...or getting to the point

ToTL Pinay: yea haha...I'm off in my own world
ToTL Pinay: nice seeing u again, though
kyuriousG: bye...nice seeing you too...and don't worry about your _____...boys are stupid!
ToTL Pinay: haha thanx...I needed to hear that
ToTL Pinay: :-D
kyuriousG: no problem...i'm everybody's big sis. :-)

Im2Fine143: @---}--}-------
Im2Fine143: thinking, thinking, wishing, wishing, waiting, waiting to talk to u girl!

?????

Something I jacked off of Jen's xanga page...something that usually runs through my mind but u never take the time to analyze

i am: hoping to find myself soon

i need: to find my sanity

i have: the best family and friends a girl could ever ask for

i wish: I wasn't such a B****

i want: my mom back

i hate: feeling down when I don't really have a reason to be

i love: having someone who cares about me

i always: dream of what can be, what has been, what could have been

i never: do anything right

i just: don't understand most of the time

i finally: got honest with someone

i found: that I try to be too much to too many people

i regret: the mistakes I've made, the things I've taken for granted, and the lives I never really was able to be a part of

i listen: to my music to escape the realms of this reality

i hear: Rosey shuffling on her bed and Aiza clicking away on her computer

i see: that opportunity waits for no one and I gotta act now

i smell: absolutely nothing

i taste: the diluted pink lemonade I had from dinner

i feel: lazy but yet energized

i think: I need to be more open, be more responsible, be a better person

i did: nothing to make any situation right...

i lost: too much of myself

i hope: to be in love someday...to be truly happy...to be content with everything I'm given again

i saw: smiling faces on my floor tonight...the happiness that makes a person realize that not all hope is lost

i wonder: y I don't take the initiative to do more in my life...y no one likes me

i will: try to be a better person to myself and to everyone

I NEED: more people like you in my life...to guide me and give me strength

I love u guys...I know I don't say it often...but from time to time u forget to show it when it should be shown. I always have love for everyone in my heart though at times I want to turn away from the world. My problems should stay my problems and I should not make it your problems. Help me become a better person so that someday, I pray to God, that I can return the favor to you. Everyone has given me so much that I can never repay any of you guys back. Taking any of you guys for granted is the worse thing I could ever do in my life and I apologize for any pain I may have cause and any pain I may cause. Things like this is never easily said though at times I will try and show it. *Hug*

Love Always,
SHEENA

Song of the moment: "So Into You" Remake of Tamia's version by Fabolous and Ashanti

Lyrics: I really like what you've done to me. I can't really explain it, I am so into you.

Mood: Wondering why I can't be this way all the time.

Wow...after having one thing resolved, another problem arises. It isn't really all that much a problem as it is a conundrum. I have this weird feeling and I don't really know what to do or say. I want to forget my past, not relive it but then again, my future has no foundation without my past.

4/15/03

A past that seems so far behind is now recalled
Feelings unclear
Intentions undecided
I don't understand a single thing
I have a wandering mind with blurry thoughts
Not knowing what anything truly means
Will your past mistakes cause me to turn away from this?
I look in your eyes and sincerity is visible but with a nuance of "something else"
A body's pleausre is not a heart's true desire
Looking for more
is it in you?
A heart wants what it wants
does it want you?
Easier to forget than to remember...
are you easy to forget?
"I've wanted to kiss you all night..."
Question-is that all you wanted?
Tease-Tease-Tease my heart
My mind
My body
I don't want to risk a wounded heart...

Anyways...I have more on my plate cuz my boss today asked me if i wouldn't mind working extra this quarter. You see, I'm working in another office in addition to my job now. Wow, I'm taking everything in so much now...
I got called today about the BearWear model search...I got named as one of the finalist...I hope this isn't another disappointment. SO yea, tmw, we'll see.

I'm tired so I'll finish my shiz later...after my paper.

Song of the moment: "It's all yours" DnH

"Early in the morning
I'm awakened from my sleep
You're kissing and you're touching and you're pressing on my body
And you're smiling up at me
Good morning to you my lady
How can I oblige
When you tell me that you want an instant replay
Of how we got down last night

PRE
I know what, you're doin
Lady I've paid attention
And if I told you that its all yours
Then tell me what you're waiting for

CHORUS
You want my love, you want my time
You know its all yours baby
As long as I know its just you and I
You know that we can get down baby
You want this body, you want these lips
You know its all yours baby
As long as I know its just you and I
You know that we can get down lady

V2
Chillin with our homies girl
And it aint hard to tell
The sexy way you're looking at me up and down
Says let's go somewhere else
Or 2:30 on Monday
When you called me on the phone
You said at work you couldn't get a damn thing done
Cuz you wanted to to be with me alone

PRE
I know what, you're thinking
Gimme some of that affection
Well if I told you that its all yours
Then tell me what you're waiting for

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Early in the morning
Or late in the evening
Whenever you want it, you need it, you got it, I'mma break you off
We can do it in the bedroom
We can do it out in public
Wherever you want it, you need it, you got it, I'mma break you off"

Mood: Happy but still ditzy...

-------------------------

So yea, it's like 7:30 and I wanna take a nap before I start my paper...clear mind when ur body is more relaxed and rested. Anyways...today was hilarious when I was riding back to the dorms from work. Three guys near Kerkchoff checking me out in my baller gear: Red Jordan Cap, with a authentic Red Bulls Jordan Jersey, short black shorts, and my red and white Jordan Smashes...yes I was Jordaned out again. They were trying to stop me so they could talk to me but I just smiled and rode away on my bike. Going up bruinwalk to the dorms was even more funnier. Today was the second day of "College Honors day" or whatever it was again...but yea, a group of high schoolers were walking down as I rode up...haha cute lil fellas trying to get my attention but the last guy did...he yelled at me and said, "u make me wanna come to college!" Haha aw, now isn't that the cutest lil thing u've ever heard. LoL LMAO! Yes, it was a lovely day...sorta...

I just ate dinner and I'm waiting for the food coma to hit but it ain't coming...I was brushing me teeth right now when something popped into my head. Really odd moment for that to happen but it did cuz it was about my skin...I've been told that I have this very soft, smooth, _______ skin...whatever that may possibly mean. At times people get a lil too crazy about it. Yes, people have touched me and have this weird expression while doing it. It makes me laugh when they stroke my arm cuz I know what they are actually doing but they swear they are just "slightly nudging" haha Yea...it's weird...I guess some people got skin fetishes. LoL Whoever is reading this, if u've ever touched my skin and u can put this into more elaborate terms, haha im me.

Mood: wanting to sleep

SO yes, the talent show was great. Weak beginning...but overall, AWESOME. I realized up on the stage that I'm a weak performer. haha when it comes to the pressure of being in the spotlight, I choke. I hesitated when the music began...off in steps cuz I thought about it rather than DOING IT. It felt good to just be out there like that...not caring about anything. Just hitting one step after another. That's how it goes..."Question, got a big @** bell???" haha TURN AROUND ONE TIME, I'M CURIOUS!!! Afterwards, I ran out to go play ball at Pauley. I sucked so badly. I finally pulled in to shoot rather than taking the three cuz I kept airballing it. SUX...we still won and overall, it was a good game.
A hectic day with a strange twisting conclusion...We had a talk...yes, _____. It was cool...I think back now on why I felt so hurt...I suppose it was cuz I was missing a friend. Yea, a short time but still...sometimes u just feel that u can be down with someone and he was one of those people. Perhaps that is what made me feel awkward after that one night...things got messed up again cuz I didn't stop it. Y didn't I? U know what i mean? I just froze my butt off outside but it's all good...it was worth it cuz I got somethings out of my system...things I can't talk to other people about. Why him? That I probably really can't explain...I guess the best thing I can say again is that he just seems like one of those people u can be down with. So yea...I have my own personal dramas once again. Is it any wonder really that I do or don't have any...home has too many memories and now here is also becoming very awkward. To turn away is always easiest but then what is accomplished? Absolutely nothing...I wish I could embrace life full-heartedly and just accept what is given to me instead of questioning. Days are always numbered but yet I choose to plan them out as though I know how long I am going to live. I pray to God that I find closure in myself soon...closure in my life...contentness with everyone.

Song of the moment: TREVOR MIX...haha the mix we danced to tonight

Lyric I love the most..."Question...u got a big @** bell...now turn around one time, I'm curious. Baby turn around"

Mood: Happy that things are out in the open and not clandestinely protected within ourselves.

I have been hesitant to post this or even show this to anyone. I realize now that if I won't do something today, when will I do it? Will I have another chance to do so??? If I don't live in the now, when will I live?

This is the letter I wrote to someone in particular...but now does not matter....

4/10/03
To whom it may concern,

This may not really matter to you or to anyone else but it must be said nonetheless. I wish I could just say this straight to your face just exactly what I want to say because then I can easily go my separate way…far from you. Perhaps then I would not have this heavy burden set upon my shoulders dragging me down to the pits of torment. I do not understand why I am acting this way or even the fact that I miss you at times. I guess there are just some things that are unexplainable or even too difficult to put into words. Possibly I am stupid for mentioning anything at all or even making something out of nothing but can you really blame me for believing all these little nothings amounted into so many some things? Unknowingly, I took those moments for granted and now that they are gone, I feel a little lost. I am lost in wonder because everything changed so quickly; there is no means for this odd silence between us but nevertheless, here it is. You seem so cold now like water upon bare skin on a cold winter morning…is it because of me? Is it something I have done? Is it because of that night? Is it because of anything you have done that you regret now? I do not know what to say…I think there are no real words to say to make anything okay. Maybe it is just that there really is nothing here to talk about and I have blown things out of proportion. I do not know. It is two months exactly today that you showed up at my door to ask me to play ball with you for the first time. It is weird how I have decided to finally write this letter on this particular day. Possibly this is meant to be a closing to this chapter or even this story. You say that there are personal things that you are going through that has caused you to act this way but from my point of view it just seems like avoidance on your part. It makes me question whether or not I made a mistake by letting what happened that one night simply just happen or even to have just opened my door two months ago. Whatever it may be it does not change the fact that there is no friendship between us anymore…or what we called “friendship” at the very least. I must admit I had grown attached to you within those short couple weeks, even within those short couple of days. I did not want to see anything in you but then you totally captivated me by your inescapable charm. I hate that…after a while, I could not tear myself away. I felt hooked for a while because the days never did seem complete without hanging with you, playing a quick game of HORSE, or even simply watching a movie. After a while I started to like you and I just did not want to. I did not want to like anyone at all. I even took the risk of blocking you on AIM just so I could get over it and keep you as a friend but then you found out and I felt trapped; I did not want you to think I was doing it for no real reason. I knew I could not stop the inevitable after that; not prevent myself from becoming attracted to you. I knew I started to like you when we went out to the movies that one time. That night you were real with me; you told me about your ex, all the shiz that you have been feeling or what not. It is so difficult to find a guy who could open up with me at anytime, friend or more than that. It just seemed so easy. When you invited me to do the community service with you I just knew it would be a go-with-the-flow type thing; not knowing what was going to happen next. It was a lot of fun but it made me realize that there was nothing defined between us: were we friends or more? At times I did not know what to think…you confused me so badly. I was so lost within my own little world. Perhaps that is why it was so great and weird at times because no one knew what anything meant or even it meant anything at all. All the times we played HORSE and we called each other names or endlessly taunted each other while we shot; the immense feeling of enjoyment. Things always seemed to go “right”…I wanted to go with the flow, take it in one step at a time, and for a while I did. Now, nothing seems right. I have had so much time to think about things that I have practically gone to the edge and back. Most of that time was spent thinking about what I have done in the past couple months…even the past couple of weeks. There you are in the back of my thoughts because half of that time was spent with you. People tell me I am a fool to have gotten even close to you but I told myself, “What do they know?” I should have listened because now I am stuck in this weird state of mind because you just stopped talking. I blame myself because we kissed…now the bliss does not seem to be worth the memory. Then I still remember you asking, “So, does this change anything?” And my stupid self replied, “Should it change anything?” Of course it changed things; the thing is I do not realize how much it was going to change things. I was told you were a ladies’ man and yet I did not care to listen. I believed a person possibly could have changed over some time but I guess I am wrong again. I did not heed anyone’s warnings and now I stare at a very disturbing predicament: give up trying to be anything to you at all. At the very least I want to be your friend but then again, friendship is a two-way street that needs interaction from both sides. Right now, I am driving alone…you have been side-tracked and put in the shop for the past two-three weeks, metaphorically speaking. The past couple days has been filled with complete wonder…wondering what happened, basically. I hate to say that I am giving up but I am left with no other choice but to do so. I do not like to try and be someone’s friend (or whatever the hell I am to you) when all it seems is that I am entertainment for you. I can already see your face laughing at this letter but how can anyone laugh at what someone thinks or feels? It is simply what I am going through and something I feel you should know. If you are not laughing, you are probably weirded out. Of course I do not blame you for feeling that way; you feel what you feel. I do not really understand why I feel so hurt. Perhaps it is because I feel used…as though you knew you could reel me in and get something and drop me right afterwards. I have been there before…and the feeling of utter depreciation never seems to fade. It really hurts to know that someone can have such an overwhelming affect on another person…especially when it comes to these kinds of emotions. It felt weird today after I played some basketball with Sameer because he asked me what is up with you and me: “are you guys together? Just friends? Or what?” We do not even talk anymore, so that is exactly what I told him. I hate to say that because I could not even say we are friends. That is the biggest insult to me: friends and now we do not even speak to one another. What the hell is that? I was fine a couple of months ago when all you were to me was a face amongst the crowd. From the first time I saw you at the All-Hall meeting back in the beginning of Fall quarter, I always thought I would never talk to you. Give or a take a week or so, there I was eating dinner with many people, including you. I embarrassed myself the first time and knew I would never talk to you again but then one night of wanting to play tennis turned into finding a new face to hang with. I was fine with being single and not needing anyone, especially a guy, in my life at that time. I did not need another guy friend…since so many of those had been tainted with “problems.” Then there you were, knocking on my door and becoming a part of my life. I want to go back to the way things were. I do not care if it is before I met you or even while we were still cool, I just want things to be “normal” whatever that may actually entail. I do not want to say that I regret meeting you or regret playing ball with you or even regret kissing you; I just wish that these were not problems between us. You messed up everything for me…now I cannot go back to being the same Sheena as I was before: being content with what life had in store for me. Now I am completely lost…

From someone who is concerned

Sometimes I question myself...whether I am seeking worldly pleasures in certain things...I gotta admit, I've hella been messed up. These emotions are all crazy right now. I had a great time last nite with Son. A friend/ex/??? u know??? It's crazy cuz he is the last person thta I would think would actually visit me. Yes, sorry Son, but my faith in anyone lately has been tainted and I hate to have misjudged u like that. Usually when someone tells me something I take it as truth...well, yea...so many disappointing times. Last nite was fun...just hanging out at the beach...on the pier...taking in nature in all her glory. Chillin' at Noodle Planet...spending time with one another again. I couldn't really think straight...my mind wanders in so many directions that it's hard to concentrate on one thing, u know? Anyways...I'm questioning my own feelings right now and my own intentions. I wanna shut the world out right now to find myself but then again I cannont shut out a world that has built me up to who I am now...understandable? I don't know. Words are evading me again...I must go to class...updates on how Sproul Idol went and my last RCIA class. Peace!

Song of the moment: "don't wanna try" Frankie J...played at noodle planet while we ate

Mood: Trying to figure out where I stand in my own life, UR LIFE, the world itself

I had a dream about HIM last nite...it scared me because I realized how deeply disturbing this problem has become. I dreamt he called me last nite. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my cell and I saw the caller ID: happy head ______ cell. I don't know why it said happy head but it said it. I recall hearing his voice sounding so eager and so delighted to actually talk to me. I guess it is appropriate because it was in my dreams. It's scary though cuz I realize how powerful dreams are. They say so much about what is on our own minds, subconsciously and consciously. We like to banish our disturbing feelings and thoughts away into the back of our minds, forgetting so much more than we wish to remember. I guess this "problem" won't go away.

Song of the moment: "dedicated to my favorite girl" r.kelly f/public announcement

"This is dedicated to my favorite girl

Oh... oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh... oh...
Oh... oh... oh...
Ho... oh... oh...
Ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... yeah
Ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh...
Ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh...
Favorite girl, hey

You have given me the best of you
And you have made my dreams come true, yeah
And after all the things that you have done
Girl, it makes me say that you are more than a woman, so I'm

Dedicating this one (Oh) to my favorite girl (She's the only one)
She's the only woman in the whole wide world (In the whole wide world)
Dedicating this one (Oh, I'm) to my favorite girl
(She's the only woman in the world for me)

Never thought that love could be so kind
Till you came and brought me peace of mind
I'll treasure every moment spent with you
‘Cause no one does the things for me you do, so I'm

Dedicating this one (Oh) to my favorite girl (She's the only one)
She's the only (Ooh... ooh... ooh... ) woman in the whole wide world (In the whole wide world)
Dedicating this one (Oh, yeah) to my favorite girl
(She's the only woman in the world, world, woo)

Oh... oh... oh... oh... oh... oh... oh...
Ooh... ooh... ooh... ooh...
Oh... oh...
So I'm

Dedicating this one (To) to my favorite girl (My favorite girl)
She's the only woman (Oh, yeah) in the whole wide world (In the whole wide world)
Dedicating this one (Oh... ) to my favorite girl (She's my favorite girl)
(The only one in the world, whoa... )

Dedicating this one (I'm dedicating this one to my favorite girl, yeah) to my favorite girl
She's the only woman (She's the only woman) in the whole wide world
(In the whole wide world for me)
Dedicating this one (I'm dedicating this one) to my favorite girl (To my favorite girl, yeah)
(She's the only one, she's the only one for me)

Dedicating this one to my favorite girl (She's the only one)
She's the only woman"

Mood: Dreaming...

I finally wrote the letter...but now what? I'm so scared now to give it to him. It defeats the purpose of making it now...So scared...would it change anything even further? Would he even care? Eh...u know...it's like all this trouble is making it feel worse than it should be. I guess I have much to do in my life...I wish everything could just make sense to me...whatever it may be.

song of the moment: "It's over" DnH

"Here we go again
Fighting over who started the argument
Now why can't you and I just get along??
Its unfortunate, that its hard for me to even give you compliments
When all you do is bitch bout what is wrong. Wrroooonnnggg
I wish I didn't have to say…….

Chorus
Its over, but believe me girl its better this way
Too many second times around,
Too many times we let each other down.
Its over, I never meant for us to end up this way
And all though it hurts like hell, I'd rather you save tomorrow
For someone else.

Now don't you get teary eyed
And act in disbelief like its ah big surprise
That one day you use tah threaten to walk out on me
And then one day we'll both look back and laugh at the stupid
Things that made us mad
And maybe decide to give our love yet another try
I wish oh I wish I didn't have to say…….Repeat chorus

Do you…….Do you think I'm enjoying this
I'm trying not to cry
I've had it up to here
I'm tired of living in misery
And I hope that we could still be friends
Once we put aside all this bitterness
Cause I still care about you
Yes…I wish I didn't have to say………….Chorus


I'd rather you save forever for someone else."

Mood: Mentally and Physically tired...