kyuriousG: good night you;-)

Finals week...'nuff said...hehe

So we talked today...we didn't mention what was said before...eventually we'll have to speak up about this ordeal...until then, I'd rather have it in the silence.

It's always this time of year that things start going funny in my life...

Always this time of year that guys seem to just not like me anymore...
like a stupid curse...one that has yet to be broken. It always starts off with the subtle things...too little for me to notice because I'm so blinded by my feelings...like carefully hidden clues but yet so obvious that it could knock me upside the head and I still wouldn't notice. Then comes the silence...the long and dreadful silence that puts me in my place:

You're not beautiful
You're not smart
You're not perfect
...you're not what I want or need

You're nothing to me...

Everything matters to me...the phone calls, the visits...the gentle hugs and kisses...that look, that smile...that's when I know that you care...that's when I know there's nothing else in the world I want...

I don't have those things right now...like they are gently being taken from me...when hours seem like days...

Sadly those days become weeks and that's when I know...but i'll lie to myself to make me feel better...

I can't look in the mirror right now without a tear dropping from my eyes...

Without you
Mmm...hmm...
It feels like a lifetime,
A thousand days have passed by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live again
I need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right
Now you’re so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I’ll always stay

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

This is more for me than for you
Girl, I finally see there’s no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you’re so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
Think I'd leave you down
When you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you're wrong
Ah ah ah oh oh oh oh
And if only you could see into me

Ohh, when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside
Baby, and you can't get in, I would show you
You're so much better than you know
When you're lost, you're alone
Can't get back again, I will find you
Darlin' and I'll bring you home

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes (ooh)
You know time, you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
Think I'd leave you down
When you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you're wrong
Ah ah ah oh oh oh oh
And if only you could see into me

Ohh, when you're cold
Hold you tight to me (to me, yeah)
Ohh, when you're alone
I'll be there, by your side baby (by your side baby)
Ohh, when you're cold I'll be there
Hold you tight to me (to me, baby)
Ohh, when you're alone I'll be there
By your side, baby

Hanging by a heartstring...

I haven't been able to do anything but think of you...

...sigh...

I just watched 50 First Dates. It's a really good movie...it made me think more than I should but yea...can anyone really care about me the way Henry did for Lucy? I just dont' know why I keep seeing all these reminders about love...I care a lot about Ron...it'd be nice if he could just show he does too more often. I guess I expect more than what I give...isn't that always the case? But then that's when relationships go sour...when one cares more than the other. Inthe beginning he thought I cared very lil about him...said I wouldn't give him the light of day...wouldn't give him anytime...now who is the one doing it? I use to want even just your presence...but lately your presence just tells me your here but there's something about the look in your eyes that makes me think you're mind isn't. You just seem so far away from me...It's like I fel the emptiness and I can't help but look at you and just wanna burst into tears...how can I miss someone when they are right in front of me? Scary that my feelings can be so strong when it hasn't even been two months. Figures...I always fall hard...it's just the other person never falls for me that way in return. I don't wanna feel that way...I know deep inside you're not like that...you're different but lately it just seems like you don't give me any other choice but to think that way. I feel like I'm cursed...the greatest two months of my life and then things happen...maybe it is me...I'm not lucky...I don't know...maybe I'm pmsing and I just don't know it. I can't put my finger on what it is...I'm fighting off the urge to call you but you're probably out somewhere...with your friends...not thinking about me...while I'll be thinking bout you.

::crying::

I feel the emptiness beside me...I realize you're not here with me and I get sad...

Today sucked...nothing right now really helps. A weird morning...a long afternoon...waiting...nothing...waiting...the phone call...the feelings...the tears...the jumbled words...an empty bottle of coconut rum...two shotglasses (one for me and one for rose)...Melissa and her drunkenness...impersonations...the walk home...

That's my day in a nut shell...lately these thoughts have been running through my mind..."does he really care about me?" I'm in this really low place right now and it's like he's pushing me away...pushing me lower. He's not in the greatest of places either...I WANNA BE THERE FOR HIM! But somewhere inside I know I can't help him...he won't let me help him. I just feel like everything is messed up and I blame myself even though I know it isn't all my fault. He doesn't understand me...doesn't understand how much I take everything as a special moment...something memorable...something to cherish. He doesn't understand that I want to be with him sooooo badly that I drive late at night to pick him up...early in the morning to drop him off...lend him my car when he needs it...cook him food when he's hungry...do things I don't normally do or never have let others do in the past. I open up parts of myself that I don't normally show...I don't want to love you this much cuz that makes me expect more. Expectations are pre-judgements that cause trouble...you're not at the level I thought you would be. That makes me sad...makes me wonder...I feel hurt. All I ever see anymore is just me trying to be with you and you...you aren't trying. Tonight you waited til I called you...you said you knew I'd call...I wouldn't leave you hanging like that...here's the thing, doesn't that say you'd leave me hanging? What if I didn't call...just what would have happened then? How long would you have waited for me to call?
...
You use to call me from a payphone just to talk to me...you'd walk to the corner of your street...now...now what? I'm not worth the walk? You use to cuddle me when we go to bed at night...now...now I cuddle a pillow to bed. I feel so empty...like you're missing from me already. I don't want to care for you so much...cuz it hurts to think about these things. I don't want to break up but it sure seems like you do to me. I don't feel like you put me on a pedestal anymore...I don't feel like you see me anymore...God, you came into my life and now nothing has been the same...I don't want to be with anyone but you but I just don't think you feel the same way. I break down into tears cuz I dont' know what else to do anymore...I just wanna give up trying...I just wanna give up on everything cuz nothing is worth it if you aren't a part of my life. I loved it when you came to my games...I would try 300% harder to win. And even when I lost, the comfort hug made me forget it all. Now...now I just cry...I can't stop crying right now. It's 5:07am...I can't sleep...I just can't stop feeling all these mixed emotions inside...I can't piece any of it together. I can't take it anymore...I love you...I miss you...I need you...and I hate myself cuz of it all...I guess I'm the type of person who needs to reminded often that someone cares about me...right now, I don't feel that. Rose was worried about me...she heard me crying in my room...she heard my stuffed animals hitting the wall...or me slumping against the wall...I told her everything...how I felt...how I saw things from my point of view...how all you could say after I said my lil thoughts was, "I have nothing to say right now..." as if nothing I said mattered to you...as if I didn't validate my feelings or actions...it scares me...I remember the other day when you mentioned one of your exes as being the most beautiful girl you ever dated...ever saw...
you had gotten with her by peacing out another girl...it scares me that u'll do that to me but you have assured me you won't. BUT lately, you really don't make me feel reassured.
I can't type anymore...my eyes are too swollen...
It's 5:30...maybe I should trying sleeping.