No internet at the apt. yet so I gotta do this blog thing from the library. DSL guy is coming tmw. Just checked my grades...MCDB= B+???? HELL NO!!! Gotta check that. Anyways, here's some updates on what has happened in the past week.
June 13, 2003:
I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken in leaving a place. It was so hard for me to stand in the doorway of my empty dorm room as I closed the door for the last time. It was like breaking up with the love of my life. I guess, in a way, it probably was. I have gone through so much this year, more than last. And still now, the year isn't even over. I still remember the first day everyone moved into the dorms...I was a welcome week assistant and everyone was just a mere face to me. Names weren't even needed...as time passed my views on people changed. Small crushes bloomed into friendships...nervousness turned into comfortability...not knowing to fully knowing...that's how it was for me...it all changed. It all hit me at once that I had taken for granted these moments and now they are no longer here at my disposal. GONE...I wanted to burst into tears and was so close that I could feel the stingy craziness in my eyes. I couldn't find it within myself to just walk out the door and leave for good...I had grown this unbreakable attachment...sentimentalism can be a bitch, especially when it comes to good-byes. What could I do? I held on as much as I could...I know why...I can't say it on here though...I stayed until 11. Chilled in Mark's room for a bit...then headed over to George's for a last good-bye and also take Mark to Beta. Drove home, talking to Mai all the while. She knew exactly how I was feeling cuz I couldn't help but just feel this immense longing and sadness and crazy ass disappointment.
Mai: "Sheena, y didn't u say how u felt?"
Why didn't I? I don't know...perhaps I was afraid of how things would end up since everyone was parting in so many different ways. How can u tell someone how u feel when u can't put things into words. There are just some things that u can't say to a person because they might return the feelings or worse--shoot u down in a horrible way. U can't help the way u feel cuz inside, we're all just so complicated. U don't have to be able to explain it just as long as u know what u feel is real. I haven't felt that way before...Mai knew it...just by the tone of my voice and the frantic longing in my words. I lost something today...question is, will I ever get it back?
Song of the moment: "If u're not the one" by Daniel Beddingfield
"If ur not the one then y does my soul feel glad...today? If ur not the one then y does my hand fit urs...this way? If u r not mine then y does ur heart return my calls? If u r not mine would I have the strength to stand at all? U never know what the future brings but I know ur here with me now. We'll make it now and I hope u r the one I share my life with. I don't want to run away but I can't take it. I don't understand. If I'm not made for u then why does my heart tell me that I am. Is there any way I can stay in ur arms...If I don't need u then why am I crying on my bed? If I don't need u then why does ur name resound in my head...If ur not for me then why does this distance maim my life..."
Mood: Missing u more than u can ever know
June 14, 2003:
Chrisma's grad party was aight...I left the house late cuz the clocks in my room were weird for some reason. I thought it was only 10 or so in the morning but in actuality it was like 11:30 so I left the house late. Her party was at some buffet in Norwalk. The food was aight; a lil salty for my taste but good nonetheless, I suppose. She has so many babies in her family. I practically was swooning the whole time over the lil darlings. *sigh* But yea, I left after about an hour or so. I guess it was sorta worth the drive. It's crazy cuz I finally got to know Chrisma and it was crazy times...now it's like, where do I go from here? She's a great person...I'm sorry that she had to see the bad side of me once. Not the prettiest side of me, sad but true. Anyways, I ended up going shopping with Rose at Ikea...dang, hella days!!! I found my bed though and bought hella shit...pretty sick! I ended up going with Mai to her friend's Grad party...felt out of place for a while before I started opening up a bit. It was weird cuz the party we went to was for a friend of Sim...yes, the hella drama that Mai had a couple years ago. But it was cool...Sim was there...met another couple of guys...Kenny stands out most in my mind. I never go so faded before in my life...drank so much. Shot after shot of some straight stuff...shoot Kamikazes, vodka, whatever...tequila sunrise...drank a lot in 45 mins to over an hour. It wasn't hitting me though until I stopped drinking. I started feeling it when I was giving a massage to Kenny...how I started doing that, don't ask. It was a shoulder massage so don't read into it, k? We had played ping pong a while before. I was still dressed nice from Chrisma's party...Tom's party was a luau so I felt out of place. I met some guy from UCLA...forgot his name though. He's a fifth year, electrical engineer. But yea, I was drunk but I was soooo aware of what I was doing. I got Coffee at 7 eleven...pretty bad idea though. I mean it got me straight but then I had a bad ass stomach ache that night. I was rolling on the floor in pain. I finally ended up throwing it up at 3 in the morning...felt better after that...my stomach was hella empty and then I felt queasy in the morning.
June 17, 2003:
So I moved into my apt. today. Sorta...it is so hella messy! God, Joanna and Lauren left it in pretty much a gross state. Definitely need to scrub down when I get back from San Fran but I guess it's great to be "on my own" in a sense...we'll see if I can make it.
Ended up going with Mai to her friend, Johnnie's, basketball game in Anaheim. Guy was staying in Chino Hills with family though. NICE ASS HOUSE!!! He's a cool guy...funny and friendly. While watching their game we met Bernie's kids...Preston (?) and Stephanie (?). Funny kids. Preston is a cutie...Stephanie is hella smart. She kept capping on Mai's ass. They won their game and we ended up going out to eat with them at Marie Calendar's...Bernie was cool cuz he picked up the check and we had barely met him. It was like near 200 dollars. kenny didn't talk much to me that night...asshole! hehe He'd be cute if he wasn't so shady. Perhaps that is what intrigues me about him...oh well. Will, Johnnie, Mai and I went back to Johnnie's place to chill. We tried to convince Mai to dump Zahid. It worked but Will wanted to see her do it right there and then on the phone. It was hilarious..."Oh, my broken heart!" haha Yea, Mai, u need to dump his ass! Go for _____! haha U know whose name goes in the blank.
JUne 18, 2003:
Happy birthday, Mai! Finally 21! U know what that means! haha anyways...Vegas...
June 18-20:
We left for Vegas at around 12 or so...well, Palm Springs to pick up Jing. It was so HOT THERE!!! I bought some stuff at Cabazon...OMG! Well, the drive wasn't so bad until we entered Nevada. Rain got pulled over by NHP. It was so lame cuz everyone was going faster than us and he pulled US over! And to make things even worse, the stupid cop was like: "be careful when u merge back into the hwy cuz everyone here is going 90 mph." WTF?!?! SO stupid! Anyways, being back at Circus Circus, tons of memories of my mom popped in my head...family time. The glittering lights and the chaos...adrenaline rush. I wasted so much money there on games and food and junk! Rose came with us...it was cool bonding time. Her and her Psyduck (did I spell that right?) We finally figured out how to play the fishing game after soooo many wasted dollars!!! Hehe fun times. Some cute guys at Excalibur!!! I had the urge to call a certain somebody but I didn't...y would I want a disappointment on my vacation??? But yea...I had to drive home cuz my brother didn't want to risk it. DAMN, such a back seat driver though. Annoyed the shit out of me...I've been sticking up for myself a lot lately...I always have to! UGH! Venetian was gorgeous...the sites were just so pretty...how I wish I was riding in the gondala with _______. So romantic! I watched my bro and Jing...how I desired in my heart for that lil piece of heaven in my life. I don't even have any guy friends in my life right now to hang with...I guess I need the balance of hanging with girls and guys...I don't know...I just don't know...
June 20, 2003:
Spent most of tonight, AFTER DRIVING BACK FROM VEGAS, at the apt. doing some heavy duty cleaning!!! YUCK!
June 22, 2003:
Jen, the subletter, came today. She came straight from London...so crazy! But yea, she seems cool...her family seemed alright. I hope there won't be any problems this summer.
Church...small but still powerful. I went out with Lewis and the choir. PERVS! hahah...got Pho. My first time...taste good. Chad (I think that's her name) was hilarious!!! Ron is cute...too bad he's gay! haha Norm is pretty cute...a newbie to the choir but has his moments. I forgot the other girls name...erika, I believe. She's very intelligent. I'll decide if I'll be in the choir later cuz that's a lot of responsibility for me to handle...u know? I love to sing but it's summer...then I'd get attached to it and just feel I have to be there all the time. I don't know if I can handle that all. Anyways, tmw...first day of summer session...*SIGH* ENGLISH 10A!!! Wish me luck!
Song of the moment: "St. Patrick's day" John Mayer and "With or without u" Utada Hikaru
Mood: Dang...missing u still
June 23, 2003:
It was a good first day, I suppose. Jen seems like a cool person after getting to talk to her. I'm still a lil shy around her but I'm beginning to turn around. English 10A seems like a cool class...a lot of reading! Here's the beginning to the rest of my future...OMG! I can't seem to concentrate. I figure I know what it is but not really, u know? It's overwhelming to just be here...I know I'm not really "on my own" but at the same time I am. Does that make sense? I want to take on soooo much this year but then again I'm scared to do so. Questions are popping up every couple seconds in the back of my mind just second guessing myself: Are u ready for this? Are u sure? Can u handle all this right now? Are u capable of actually doing this? *sigh* It's hard to put urself in this type of position cuz this inner battle prevents u from doing what u can so easily do. I am just tired of the world in the sense that I want to be a kid but also an adult at the same time. Being 19 has no real advantages cuz now all my friends are 21 or older...I can't go to places that they are able to go to cuz of that small age difference. I got only a year left to turn 21 but by then all my friends will already have graduated and I'll be still here. I don't know anymore...This struggle, socially, is just completely frustrating...
Anyways, I went to my job today to work out my schedule. Annette is like a lil kid but she's an adult...so it's gonna be weird. She really wants me to work now but workstudy doesn't start til the 1st. She was gonna hire me as a regular worker this week but she told me to "take the week off and enjoy it." So tuesday and thursday is free for me this week.
PCH meeting today...it was an all girl meeting til Rio and Lewis showed up. I sat in the PCH office and looked around and just was amazed at everyone. Proud of all of them because they want to make a difference in this community of ours. Also, I'm proud of myself that I'm trying to get more involved this year...TRYING SO HARD TO! It's gonna be a good year and a fun summer just cuz of PCH alone...hehe
SOng of the moment: So into you (remake) by Fabolous ft. Tamia
Mood: Wondering what the summer holds for my future and myself.
June 24, 2003:
SO I got up to do nothing today...seriously nothing! hehe Mai and I had sort of plans but they were uncertain cuz she wasn't sure if Johnnie had a game today or what not. We wanted to make something for Bernie for treating last week after the game. That fell through but I did find out some interesting tidbits from Mai about her life today. Haha...yea, totally funny! Sorry, can't let u in on the juicy stuff though cuz that's hella messed up to let out her bizness on here. But yea, I ended up calling up Francis to see what's going with his plans for the retreat cuz seriously i can't do much cuz I have no internet so can't research places. OMG, I just cannot wait for our retreat or CSC retreat...SO MUCH FUNNNNNNN!!!! After going out to look for a desk, I came back here to make Francis a congrats cake. He called me back while I was doing my errands and we decided to meet up tonight to talk about some stuff. Yea, it was fun having the apt. to myself and just cooking fried rice and baking. It was fun...but yea, Gabe came over for a bit...I felt bad though cuz I took away from Farida and Rosey's studying...next time I won't do that. But yea, fun fun fun...then Francis came over...he was here for a while...we barely talked about PCH stuff cuz everyone was just chatting with him. That's cool that we just chatted and stuff cuz u gotta get a feel of how ur partner is before u can actually get down to work. I guess everyone approves of my partner in crime...hahaha. Wooo...fun times this summer and next year!!!! He scored a 35 on his MCATs...crazy! He said that to be competitive to get into med school u gotta have like a 30 or something. WHOA! Then he told me about his volunteering thingy...he works with lil kids! That is soooo cute! He does soooo much, how does he do it all? hehe Why aren't there more guys like him? I guess in a way I can work towards education with my English degree cuz I do like to make a difference in others lives. I really really really want to be a journalist though. *sigh* Fleeting dreams...return to me...*sigh hahaha. Anyways, clubbing on thursday for pch so hehe HOOK IT UP! Mai might go too!!! Yea yea yea yea! But going to sleep now cuz I got class tmw...gonna study and look up classes for fall. *deep breath* Time going by sooooo fast...God, help me through this.
Song of the moment: "Officially Missing you" Tamia...played twice in the car ride from diddy riese to ATO
Mood: Realizing I'll get through this with my sanity
