I wanna smile but I just don't feel like it

A weary night...tossin and turnin and starin at the ceiling...looking for something to cheer me up...in the meanwhile, I'm at work inputting countless applicants into the database...*SIGH*

I hope u didn't take things the wrong way

This is to Eddie...

I believe ur mad at me...I look back on the conversation and understand that u think I was dissing on u but I wasn't trying to do it...it wasn't on purpose...it should be apparent that I'm disappointed but that's not even it. I wouldn't try to make you feel uncomfortable for even one second...a friend wouldn't do that to another friend. If I caused you discomfort or anger, I apologize...really, I do. It sux lately cuz it seems like everytime we talk I feel like I'm causing you some kind of confusing predicament and that's not even the case. Don't take things the wrong way Pleez...u know I ain't trying to get on ur bad side. I wish I could say these things face to face or on the phone but I know I would never have the nerve to do so...I wish for a lot of things but most of all I hope that u don't think I was being rude to you...=(...*sigh*is it really this difficult for us to speak straight to one another? I know u have company over tonight and I know it's ur roomie's bday...don't think I'd be offended if u decide to join the celebration instead of talking to me cuz remember, I totally understand that u have a lot of things going on right now...REMEMBER, I UNDERSTAND...maybe I come off standoffish online or on the phone but sometimes people find it difficult to grasp my tone...Don't take it the wrong way...I just want u to do what u need to do or want to do...I would never hold that against u

Mood: I hope ur not mad at me...

Single...yea, that's right
I've been amongst the single people for a while lately...I say I am only cuz it appears that I'm being put on the back burner with *****. It's fine though cuz I'm actually very laid back about stuff lately dealing with dating. *BAHALA NA*...come what may...I just want to have fun...

I was wondering...
...are u thinking about me?

this continuous battle internally is killling me slowly...silently...painfully. I want to cry for no reason because the shit keeps piling...today was an alright day but tmw, oh tmw, I'm going to die. I'm doin a really shitty job this quarter and I really can't help it anymore...i just want to quit now. I WANT TO GIVE UP! It's a losing battle regardless of the process and u know what, I don't wanna go through it anymore. My family is right...what the hell am I going to do with English??? I love writing...it's all I've ever known...it's like me and sports: it comes so naturally. So what if my grammar isn't always correct, it's the words that matter. Do my words move you? I want to know...why am I going through this just to be forgotten? *sigh*

YOU:
I feel dissed by u today...u didn't answer me...again...I'm putting my hopes up and out there for u cuz I think ur worth the fight...
UR WORTH IT!
...am I worth it to u???

Song of the moment: rush rush by paula abdul

mood: sleepy

A past remembered

The memories came flooding back to me today...a past yet to be forgotten. All the happy times...the sad times...the "almost there but didn't happen" times...all surging through my mind. Even when I close my eyes, I see your face...I see you...I remember. I'm so frightened right now because academically I'm not doing so well...physically i feel out of shape...mentally I'm not all together...socially I'm at the bottom. It's scary cuz I have no base right now. I have nothing to keep me afloat and keep me sane. I went to go play ball today cuz I wanted to work and destress...what happened, I got booted from my game after waiting over an hour. Guys are such assholes...just cuz I'm a girl don't mean u can step all over me. The more I try the more I should just give up. That goes for so many t hings right now...I should have found a date by today for my gala...so far, no one...scary...very scary. So lonely...so very lonely. *foolish heart...hear me calling...stop before u start falling...foolish heart...heed my warning...u've been wrong before, don't be wrong anymore*

Doesn't the heart want what it wants...though it be against ur other intentions and wishes??? I think Mai is the only one who knows what I'm going through right now. I'm still torn inside, waiting for you to piece me back together again...so what if what u might say will hurt me, at least u had the nerve to be truthful with me. Isn't that what matters? Doesn't it? I don't want to fake a smile right now...I want u to give me a reason to give the world a real one. I want u...

I can't really begin to explain myself cuz I just ...I just don't know. I know I miss being in ur arms...kissing ur soft lips...belonging to u. Tmw is a holiday...wouldn't it be nice to be just chillin together on the couch holding one another...not worrying about a single thing? How about a dip in the hot tub together and staring up at the night sky? How about sharing a good night kiss while we fall asleep in each other's arms? Ur no where...near enough to touch. I'm waiting here for u to shut me up with a kiss...the soft gentle way u use to do...

Is it obvious I want u right now...?...?...?

Thinking about me right now?
...I really wish u would be...

Song of the moment: "with or without you" Utada Hikaru or U2

Mood: *sigh* *bites lip*

How to deal

I hate myself right now...forcing things to becomen more difficult when it was already hard in the first place...I want more than I should ask for...but that's how I am and I can't help it. I'm stuck in that weird place where I'm torn between ____ and ____...which would u choose? I have decisions to make up the ass and I don't know what to do about it...someone told me to go thin k about what I want and get back to them but by saying that it makes things even more difficult. Don't make me think anymore pleez!!...not right now...I know what I want...but that doesn't make the situation any easier for me. It would help if u were here right now assuring me that life isn't always this F*cked up...argh!

Me go sleep now...I don't wanna think so, blah...

Song of the moment: "somewhere I belong" linkin park

Mood: *****, u know how I feel...sorry I confused u

Party like there ain't no tmw

So last nite was the big party at my place...and it was great! At least 40 heads were here last nite...maybe 25 to 30 at the most at one time. People popping in, popping out, and then popping back in again. It was fun times! It was slow to start and I tried to get everyone going in the beginning...I looked like a chicken with its head cut off. But yea, I acted totally nuts...sober and buzzed. Fun times...Got hella props on the food...it was great. Everyone singing happy birthday and stuff...*sigh*...good shit! Man, my friends are the greatest, I LOVE THE HELL OUT OF U GUYS!

Presents I received last nite:
Cash from Sean and Suzanne
Cash from Carlos and Jorge
Cash from Ian
A book "The Five People you meet in heaven" from Nat and Lewis
A poster and necklace from Arlyne and Jonny
A sexy ass calendar from Mai
A shirt and necklace from Moniqua and Alina
A dozen roses and a card from Son
A 32 oz. Miller from JJ
A 24 oz. Schlitz from Medardo
A Big ass bottle of Smirnoff Green Apple Twist and Parrot bay coconut rum from Robyn and company
Jordan wristbands (matching) from Art
A handmade collage from Brenda
OOOH and the best one...an EDDIE JONES HEAT SWINGMAN JERSEY!!! from Johnny and Ron

I got the greatest friends...they didn't trash my place that badly...they gave me some good times by helping me escape the realities of my life for one night...THANK YOU SO MUCH...

I hope those pictures don't show up anywhere...UM, damn yea...hehe PLFFT Send them my way if u have any.

Song of the moment: "the way you move" outkast

Mood: *smile*