So close but yet so far...from being happy

Today was honestly a really great day...I haven't been happy like this in months. I woke up early this morning to make a return at walmart...I wanted to avoid all the lines and I did...ended up spending money though...argh. Then I decided to go to the bank but I knew the bank wouldn't open for another hour so I ended up shopping and buying two new tops, a pair of slacks, and a skirt. Went home and ate...then picked up Rose and drove to Janzel's house to give him his gift. It was great seeing him again. We ended up chilling at his house...rosey and simba...hehe...we all ended up going to the mall. Janz and I got massages...aww, tushy action! hehe Ran into some peepz from high school...even ran into farida. I had a lil hope in my heart that I would run into a certain someone there but no luck...chilled at myhouse for a bit then went and watched honey at the ol' Edwards theatre. Haven't been there since I was like really young...creeped me out...i remember them days with the double features. drove back to la...

[morning sun]
Excerpt from Jonny ngo's page...something to think about

it's 7 am and i woke up at 6:30 to see the sunrise. i haven't seen the sunrise in so long, when you go back to look at something that has always been there that you never give much thought to, you finally notice how beautiful it is. it has been since... the last time i took her to my favorite pond to give her a shoulder to cry on... since i last saw a sunrise. you know, the sunrise is never how you expect it. the sun creeping over the dark horizon. nope. first thing you notice when you go out is how dark the night sky is and brightly the stars and moon shine. i saw the cresent moon directly above me. then the stars begin to fade... and the dark becomes a blue. then the horizon becomes this rainbow of colors. purples, reds, and yellows. but this is all before you could ever see the sun.

see, the thing is that... when people look for the sunrise, they don't notice everything else that happens around them. they only wait for the sun. but the most beautiful part is everything else that happens around you. it's like finding someone special... sometimes you are so determined to find this perfect person, that you never notice all the beauty that is always around you.

i woke up early today to see the sunrise, to pretend that you are next to me, to share the moment, and as i was expecting the sunrise, i saw something else more beautiful.

ps. the cresent moon is still shining brightly above me, angel.

Broke as a joke...

Best buy is the root of all evil...hehe, darn sales! Anyways, I'm totally tired...that ugly sick feeling is back again. That feeling of utter despair...can't decide whether to sleep it off or go do something. I know I feel like a fat slob though...like I need to go running or something but my body just won't move. I'm not motivated to...I hate this time of the year cuz Xmas became so artificial. It's all about the gifts...all about how much money u spend...no more about the thought put into the gift...the time u spend with someone...family...Jesus Christ...

I miss you, mom...

Stephen and I talked about shiz like this the other day...we talked about things don't feel the same when it's xmas time. We've lost that sense of anticipation and sentimentalism and appreciation. The older we get, the more difficult things become...I'm torn right now. I desire things that money can't buy and that a select few can give me...okay, I take that back...ONLY ONE PERSON CAN GIVE ME. I wanted to be alone for a couple days here at the apt...have time to myself but Rose didn't leave last night...she stayed here. *sigh* it's hard for others to understand things from my point of view just because I like to be the only one that feels this way. I'm being dissed left and right by people I've come to care about or have been trying to get to know...Eddie hasn't answered my calls so I'm guessing he won't be coming with us to Disneyland; rose will have Seung, Aiz will have Mark, and I'll have no one--my friend doesn't want to hang with me. Ron, hasn't talked to me since the morning I left for the bay...I'm not gonna pick up the phone and call him...I guess I wasn't worth much to him...not worth a return phone call. There's a shot to the heart again...guess it's better that way...try and forget him before I got completely hooked. Too bad too, I was trying to open up finally...oh well...

then there's you...so close but yet so far and I still choose not to let go...I'm not ready to let go...are you? Who am I kidding? You never held on...you're missing out on so much and I'm dwelling only cuz I wish deep down inside that someday there will be this clear cut sign that says YES or NO...I guess I miss you cuz we haven't been the closest of friends lately...maybe I miss you more than that but I don't know for sure. I miss the talks...the down time...I need you to save me again. i want you to help me see that there is more than what I see or at least what I choose to see. You know what...I don't want you to be the one to be that person anymore cuz I need to get over this...ANYONE, help me see...it's so easy for everyone to turn their backs...when do i get to turn mine to you? I took time to think this past week...I still don't know...I don't know...I just don't

It's late...I need to get up and drive tmw...good night, my precious...

Jealous of the girl who caught your eye
One of my darker days
When you looked at her where was I?
Shoulda been in her place
Here I am
All alone imagining what could have been
If I had been there

Jealous of the one who'se arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide
She's a very very lucky girl


Jealous of the one who won your heart
They say it's a perfect match
She's gonna get to be where you are
And I don't get better than that
She'll say you're fine
Whisper words I wish were mine
And they might have been
If I had been there

You know I'd fight the good fight
If I thought I'd change your mind
But if she makes you happy
I would leave that dream behind
Man, she better treat you right
And give you everything
Cause at the moment she doesn't
I'll be waiting in the wings


She's a very very lucky girl...

Nothing like home...bummer
So apparently I am back in LA...thought I'd include my last couple of entries of my trip.

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12/20/03 Day 8 4:25am
my last night...
My last night here...*sigh* I'm sad...I hate leaving the bay..there's always something new I end up missing with a passion...can't think right now cuz I'm thinking...hehe *sigh*

Ikaw ang nakilala ko
Ikaw ang sa isip ko...
Gusto kong matulog pero nagigilip ako
Nakakita ko ang muka mo
Hindi ko puwede yakap ka
Malayo ang isip mo...hindi sa akin
Ang isip mo laging siya lang
Hindi ako...puwede ba ako nalang
Ibigin mo ako...
kaibigan ka pa...
mahal kita

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12/20/03 Day 8 12:50pm
The Departure
So I arrived too late for my flight. Had to get on another flight. The clouds are beautiful...sky crazy cuz it's right outside that window. Wish I could capture this shiz on my camera but I'm not by the window and my cam is in the overhead. I'm still undecided...I thought I'dbe able to decide on this trip whether to move on or keep trying...I thought I was going to be able to say good bye but now I wish I could just know what u're thinking. After this trip I realize...I'm not ready to say good bye...not just yet.

Let's start at hello again...