And the ADHD continues...

It's funny how easily distracted I can get. The more and more I come to accept who I am, the more and more I realize I am definitely my father's daughter. Lolo was put to rest this Monday...his wake was on Sunday. I didn't think I was going to be at the wake all day, like I originally planned but I thought since I had the remembrance cards, I better get there at the beginning, take a break somewhere in the day, and then come for the last couple of hours. Yeah, well, that didn't happen. Ant and I did church in the morning like we normally do and took off to the mortuary only to realize that when we got there, we didn't know that we were not in the same room as my Lola's wake. It was actually a whole ton of vietnamese peoples...so where were we? After finding out we were upstairs, i come to find out that I didn't need to buy water because my uncle did already and that didn't need ice or my containers...::shrug:: color me not surprised for having so many miscoms in this process. I can't be too upset, it's not the first time this year that lack of planning and communication has been an issue. OH well...but get this, aside from one of my uncles and aunts, and a friend of my uncle aunt there was no one else there. ::grimace:: yeah, what the hell??? Out of obligation, ant and I just hung out. I don't know...with my Lolo's death, I didn't think I was going to get so emotional but I did. When I had gotten the news on Tuesday...I lost it. Then when I saw him in his bed at the hospital, I lost it again. Well, it wasn't going to be the last time I lost it over him... I feel horrible about having shared space at the mortuary on Sunday. We were our typical selves: loud? We're not loud...haha yeah well, I'm always guilty of this. Okay, for those who think I do not know how loud I am...I KNOW. Trust me, I know but I cannot be held accountable for my volume when I get excited. I am a Sanchez, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. I have tried to suppress the Sanchez in me but I'm sorry, the blood runs deep...maybe that's why there are so many of us in the world: Spanish or Filipino and YES, there is a difference. What have I learned over this past weekend? Our parents and elderly family are loud. There are no such things as whispering or calming one self down...it's all out or go away. Two, in my generation the loud girls are and will always be, my older girl cousins, and Jenn, and myself. As for the boys, it shall always be Hero =) Three, say what you will about my family but we go all out for one another whether we intend to or not. And regardless of what one person feels, do not overlook the situation at hand. We all handle death in our own way. I don't care how close you are to the person, don't assume that a person isn't hurt/sad/depressed over them. Lolo died on Tuesday afternoon...Sunday we had the wake, and by Monday we were saying our final farewells. And if that didn't make things crazier, another death in the family occurred on Wednesday morning. Some of us broke...some of us jumped into action...some were just forced to do what they could do. I lay somewhere in between. Over the years I got numb over death. I lost my mom my first quarter in College, first time away from home. I lost my Lola right before graduation...then I lose Ant's mom...and then some more losses in the family...I've always been the type to throw my emotions out there, trying not to bottle them in but I came to a point where I didn't know how to feel about it. I hear death, I go numb. Lifeless and empty. Funny though, I'll cry over a commercial but a family member dies and I can't feel. Lolo's burial topped me off. There were soldiers at the burial and as soon as that trumpet sounded and I had just the smallest glimpse of my family members' faces...I broke. I broke hard...and inconsiderate me didn't think to bring my purse with me when I got out of the car because I didn't think I was going to cry. The culmination of loss, I think, it finally all amounted again. I sobbed into my faded pashmina and stared at the coffin in front of me. I don't think I can take another death, not any time soon. God, that's a plea if you didn't get the hint. I know, I know...I can't and shouldn't say that as you have a plan for all of us but really, I'm super fragile right now. Spring is suppose to be the bringing of new life...instead, I saw it extinguish so much. Summer is quickly approaching and all I can think about is a mental break. haha, no no no, I'm not saying I'm going to lose my mind...I'm just saying that I am glad that there will not be a regular academic schedule going on around here. I need the three month break or at least the three months of summer to prepare for 9 months of craziness. This June I'm sayin good bye to my workstudy. She's off graduating...and the other one, well, I just found out will not be returning in the fall. Yes, that gets to me a little because somewhere inside I'm preparing myself physically and mentally to do more than I think I have to. We're moving not only offices in the next week but buildings! I still have to have that loving talk with the CAO of my dept. I'm worried about hearing that I don't deserve a title change or a promotion. If that's the case, I think I'll be leaving...I know it looks like I'm not doing anything but in actuality, I'm probably doing 5 things at once. It's hard to see the whole picture when you only see a scene. I'm trying to form the words...release the insanity in my mind. I go from one thing to the next just so I never really have to think about anything but it's catching up to me. I've only lost five lbs...by now, that should've been more. Work wise, I could've been moving up else where but instead I'm staying stagnant here. Ant's stuck in his own career rut...I'm praying that God gives us clarity. I've always been "NOW NOW NOW". As I was kindly reminded at the wake on Sunday, "we're getting old...we want to see kids". Dreams of a home...dreams of a family...dreams of consistent happiness. I'm trying...