1. What time is it? 11:43pm
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Sheena Vee Viloria Sanchez
3. Nickname? Salt, Baby J, Sheen...
4. Parents' names? Renato and Velma (God bless her soul)
5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 20
6. Date that you regularly blow them out? Oct. 28
7. Hair color? Fucked up brown
8. Tattoos? Not sure when i should get mine yet
9. How much do you love your job on a scale of 1 to 5? 5 I get paid to sit around and gossip. Okay, yes, i do have work every other day that I am given
10. Favorite color? Black
11. Hometown? Azusa
12. Current Residence? LA
13. Favorite food? Duck Lo Mein...I miss my mom's chicken
14. Been to Africa? no
15. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Shit, I already do that every night Ron isn't here and doesn't want to come over.
16. Been in a car accident? Too fucking many
17. Croutons or bacon bits? Both
18. Sprite or 7UP? Either one...taste the same to me
19. Favorite Movie?Love and basketball with Brown Sugar in a close second
20. Favorite Holiday? I don't really have one anymore
21. Favorite day of the week? Friday cuz I was born on a Friday
22. Favorite Restaurant? Don't really have one cuz I don't eat out at fancy restaurants too often...no one takes me to any
23. Favorite Flowers? Stargazers and Lilies...classic roses
24. Favorite beverage? Naked's Just OJ, Kamikazes, Raspberry Iced Tea
25. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball
26. Preferred type of ice cream? Starbuck's White Chocolate Latte and Baskin Robbin's Jamocha Almond Fudge
27. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0
28. Who is that last person you got email from before this one?
29. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Umm...don't know...Target or Wal Mart...something like that
30. What do you do most often when you are bored? Write in my blogger...draw...write...sing
31. Name the person you are friends with that lives the farthest away. Soon it will be Arlene cuz she'll be in NY for a Post Doc program
32. Most annoying thing people ask or tell me? You're so perfect, I'm surprised u don't have a bf...or I'm surprised he didn't get with you...
33. What is your Bedtime? Lately, hella early in the morning...can't seem to sleep lately...
34. Who will respond the quickest? no one
35. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? no one
36. Favorite TV show? Friends is still up there...
37. Last person you went out to dinner with? Wednesday night when I went out with Nat, Lady, Art, Robyn, and Rio to Roscoe's. Fucked up my order, Big Mama!
38. Last movie you saw? Don't know what it's called...it was on BET...and I didn't finish it.
39. Last Concert you saw? Talib Kweli!!! FOR FREE at ACKERMAN GRAND BALLROOM with the HOMIES!!!
40. Time when you finished? 11:55pm

People say they "find" love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a CERTAIN love. And Eddie found a certain love with Marguerite, a grateful love, a deep but quiet love, one that he knew, above all else, was irreplaceable. Once she'd gone, he'd let the days go stale. He put his heart to sleep....Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes,under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive...."Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't."

I basically started The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom early this morning and I finished early this evening. So the book was written in a style I didn't really like much but the story stuck in my mind. Eddie, and 83 yr old maintenance man at a beach side amusement park on the pier dies and finds out that heaven isn't what he believed it was; it is in heaven that u meet five people, somewhere and somehow, in your life were connected to. They have lessons to make u aware of and above all else make u see what ur life truly meant...explain ur existence on Earth.
This particular passage is his meeting with his late wife, Marguerite. She is his one and only love of his life...never was anyone else and never will be. I can't help but wish that sometimes my life would resemble something out of a book...out of a fairy tale or some kind of movie knowing that everything normally works out. That's just how it goes...someone always gets kicked down but somewhere down the line they get picked up again...I've been kicked down for three years...maybe more...when am I going to be picked up? I often wonder why some people are so lucky...how did they luck out? In that case, what did I do that was so bad to deserve such a huge weight on my shoulders? It's like I'm not only battling the world but I'm also battling myself...these inner demons. What I fear right now...my physical state...I know that there is something wrong with me physically but I'm just too afraid to get checked and find out for sure...my academic state...I'm never gonna get out of UCLA; I'm forever stuck here to be the stupid moron everyone is smarter than...my financial state...I'm stuck with the huge rent payment, car shit, etc...my romantic state...I just feel like he'd rather be somewhere else than with me...u find it cute for me to say I miss u but then I feel like ur making fun of me...my mental state...I fear that I'm always unhappy and I do stupid shit in order to make myself feel better...My family state...I don't feel like I'm a part of the family anymore...I need to get away from here already. I need a new start...I just need to...

I don't know what it is about the early hours of the night but I always get sad...I start thinking and I start focusing on everything that is bad in my life...it usually only comes when I'm alone...when I have nothing but myself...

It happened again tonight and the tears always start streaming down my face when I'm on the phone with Ron...to add to my lowliness, he rejects the idea of coming over and tonight is no acception. Except what get sme is the fact that he tells me "I'm all in for the night." So does that bother me when I am told to call back in a lil bit and he's not home because "he just stepped out." All these feelings of being pushed away fill my head and I just wanna punch something. It's like this...sometimes I have to beg him to see me...I have to force him to call me...he doesn't nuzzle back when I nuzzle up to him...sometimes I feel like a cook than a gf. I feel like his chauffer than his gf. I feel like anything but his gf. I thought I made it clear to him last time that I don't see him trying...sad thing is I still don't see him trying and it puts me in a really bad position.

It's nights like these that I cry myself to sleep thinking to myself why I just can't be happy...I feel my stomach turn when I see Rose and Seung together...Mark and Aiza...shit, even Farida and Daniel...how come they can make it work and I can't...how come they're guys are still trying and mine actually told me, "if you want to say fuck this then go ahead" without even flinching...I pray every night that things will be better for me...for everyone...but it just seems worse and I just wanna run away. I just wanted to get away this week...I deserve a week...and now it just seems like I wasted it...I feel unproductive, stupid, and fat. I feel like I'm being pushed away more and more everyday and I can't stop it from hurting. I need Ron to be there for me when I need him...I need someone...right now I just...

Yesterday when I was driving Ron back, we listened to the CD he made me...to his surprise I knew the words...and the thoughts fill my head: "I bet u that u haven't listened to all the songs yet...I bet he hasn't even tried to."

My hands are trembling right now...and I feel nauseaus...right now everything is pointless...

I'm stupid...

I'm sad...

Fuck, I'm so alone...

Is it wrong...to be like everyone else?

I find myself lurking to the trend side...in this case, I'm going to end up looking like every other bitch up in dis piece. Stop me from making a horrible mistake, please! hehe Neways, I actually have work today and while out doing some errands this morning, it almost slipped my mind. SO what the hell am I going to do once classes start next week?

Shit, I'll probably lose my mind again...

*SIGH*

Summer school's a bitch!

3rd Degree

So I just finished the first outside reading book I've read since high school (maybe even junior high). hehe OMG!!! I guess I'm trying to spread myself out again...try to get back to the how I use to be when everything was more simple. A time when I think I was happier...more open to different things. Getting use to the idea that the people I have come to love are gone and I'm not trying to cut them out of my life but I'm just trying to reach back into myself. I need to let go on those I've become dependent on. I know I loved each one of them in a certain way and it is hurting right now to not to have them here. *sigh*

Some things just can't be forgetten...

anyways, last night we had a night out with the PCH homies...first time I've been to castle park in sherman oaks. Fun shit! Mini golfing took hella long but I know I learned one thing for certain: I SUCK AT GOLF!!! hehe Too much power...too little power. hehe YEAH! But fun stuff...we ended up rushing through the last holes and just going to the arcade. Pacifiers for ALL!!! hehe Then Roscoe's! haha Big Mama served us up. But dang, so we must have gotten there before they closed and I ordered up a #1 to go for Ron but I guess Big Mama forgot to bring it to me so we ended up putting my left over waffles and some of Big Mama's chicken in a to go box and yeah, hehe a meal fit for a king!

I'm home right now...probably going to sleep early cuz I need to get use to sleeping at a decent hour and not waking up at noon...I hate that! hehe

NITE NITE

Today, as I awoke from a restful sleep, happy thoughts danced through my head...and then I realized they are only dreams...and for that mere moment that they were true, I knew where I belong. I'll surely never forget that...never forget the feeling I had...*sigh* but now, just like I did last night, I must turn away...walk away...and try very hard not to look back. I will say this...I'll remember things the way they were...

It's so easy to be forgotten...*sigh* worst of all, not to be remembered...

I wish we could stay in touch but I know there are only those select few u will keep in touch with. I don’t think I’m one of those people...

Happy Father's day...

Congratulations Class of 2004!

I love you all...

SO...today I was suppose to wake up, go to church, go to PGRAD, go home, do laundry, party with the fams, come back here and pack for Vegas...

SO, what really happened was that I woke up and then fell back asleep then woke up again only to realize I overslept Church. I went to the PCH office to pick up my PGRAD ticket only to realize I had forgotten my office keys at the apt. Then Gary comes with his keys only for us to find no tickets. Well, Robyn hooks me up with an extra ticket and in the process we find Rio has returned to walk in PGRAD. As I sat there watching my closest friends here at UCLA say their good bye/grad speeches I felt teary-eyed. Afterwards, took pix with the friends...finally met George's niece, Micah. Saw his whole famz and stuff...saw Art and Arlene hehe all snuggly. Watched as all the PCHers got "INNER TUBED" by Robyn. hehe Walked back with Nat and Gary...Got my shit together and headed for home. Didn't do much with the family...watched my baby Nephew, EJ for a bit...it was cute cuz when he saw me he started running towards me with his toy gun and yelling, "TITA!!!" hehe He chased me for a good 10 minutes. Watched over him as he played on the playground. I spent a good two and half hours at home...sux, Lolo's shirts are too big so I'm going to have to get him smaller ones. No worries, I guess. Well, I got back here to go pre party with the homies and yeah...couldn't drink that much...designated driver. Party wasn't poppin when we got there...took a while. I had a fun night...*sigh* somewhere inside of me I don't want to let go but I know I have to.

This chapter has been written...final copy has had its final editing tonight. No more rewrites...no more add ins...all I can do now is let it be. And though I will come to reread this chapter at one point, I must come to realize that the time it was written is no longer present and I just have to read it with a tear and smile and a love that never developed.

Good night, everyone...*kiss* sweet dreams whereever u are...