When you realize that you are capable of making a change in this world, it is then that you realize that you have the power to make a difference in anything you put your heart into...

I figured that out during today's MCDB clinic. We watched the movie "And the Band Plays On"...it was amazingly compelling and moving...it made me realize why I took my directorship in PCH...I mean, I am not a good director but it was that really strong feeling inside of me that compelled me to take the directorship on. I wish I was a better director but I know I suck...but yea, anyways the movie was awesome...seeing how the world was hooked on the superficial things like looks, reputation, success...it's sad cuz all the while people are dying from AIDS and no one seems to care except those who would rather take less credit than they should be given. It scares me to think that someone close to me can die from this deadly disease at any second...*scary*...perhaps I may die from it...no one is ever safe. *sigh* yea...praying for the cause...

Well, yes, I am still in my weird mood...I just don't understand anymore...I just want to have things go back the way they use to be...I know it's not possible but I sure wish I could just go back to it...I'm still falling when I should be turning away...God, what am I going to do??? I need u to guide me to something...Something good I hope...

Song of the moment: "Journey to the past" Aaliyah

"Home...love...family...I will never be complete until I find you...One step at a time...one hope then another...who knows where this road may go...back to who I was...only to find my future...things my heart still needs to know...yes, let this be a sign...let this road be mine...let it lead me to my past...courage see me thru...heart I'm trusting u...to bring me home at last"

Mood: I'd wish u'd say something...
I wish anybody would say something...

So yea...I find that the hour I have between English and History is a perfect time for free writing...Not very good work but a sorta good try, I suppose...

4/8/03

1:00pm

At the realization of love, everyone becomes a poet...so people say
Emotions are not easily expressed in words but the effort is always put forth for we find that any risk of expression is better than none at all
The only true way to fail at love is to never fully embrace it
...As I have found out incessantly
When love appears, allow it to perform and exit the stage without interruption for it is then that we know IT IS LOVE
Accepting its presence and immersing oneself within it without doubt or hesitation
Unrecognizable at times but strongly felt
...in the endless boundaries of your soul
...in the bottomless pit of your stomach
...the ever fluttering butterflies
...the eerie weakness in the knees
...the heated glow in your eyes and see amongst your blushing face
Feel it in every part of one's being
The sudden awareness that you are no longer an individual but now an "item"...
...a set that is never complete without the pair
Feeling whole and ever-protected when that 'someone' is present
Even the mere thought of them sends one's mind into orbit
...Fireworks! Explosions emitted from this strange love ora that surrounds one and all
Do you feel yourself melting...
Oh, you could possibly die smiling now...
for you have expreienced life's greatest emotion-LOVE
------------------

I could never accept love's entrance cuz there is such an emotion that can match the greatness of it
---Torn and wilted
---Bruised and abandoned
---Loved lost somewhere through time
....The symptoms of a broken heart
The fear of this can leave a person dazed and afraid of the feeling of love
It is easy to say you won't let the fear get the best of you but can you grasp the true concept?
Hypocritical-->Cynical-->Denial

2:40PM
I can't look at you without feeling hurt and wanting to hurt you the way you hurt me
I want you to feel the pain you have inflicted on me only cuz it IS not fair to me now
I opened myself to you only for you to slam your door in my face
closed heart...closed mind
I cared...about you
I hate...you
....there's that small thin line
I shyed away from you cuz you detached yourself from me...so easily
I can't look you in the eyes
I can't look at myself
-->Feeling less of a person
What have yo done to me?
As if you've taken a central integral part of me and threw it away
Why...
Why...
Why...
...can you ever tell me why?
Probably not for you forget so easily...
I'm so lost now and I dislike it with a passion
I blame you, you know...
It is your fault...
endless burdening thoughts weigh me down with every moment that passes...we don't explicate that one moment of bliss...
You've forgotten but I haven't...
I must confess...I was falling hard with no intention of pulling bakc
You had my heart on lock down
You used and abused it...
We had opposing views but I guess that added to the easiness of embracing one another or at least I thought it did
I took things so very slowly only to realize that method doesn't work for me any better than the past ways...
I miss you...
...it is a shame u don't feel the same...

3:20pm

Questioning intentions...
..."what is it that you REALLY want?"
Being honest is never your thing
-Hide behind parsed words
-The ever-veiling semantic games u play
I know what you want and I know what you mean
Stop playing games
Stop playing with my dreams
I'm not stupid
You're a fool for believing I'm a foold
I've played the block once or twice before...I know the rules
True I do get taken in every now and again but I find my way out
Perhaps too late or even too son but I do find my way...
"Bay, if you give it to me, I'll give it to you...I know what you want..."
Do u really?
I doubt it...

Song of the moment: "Anything" acapella version By DNH

Song lyrics: Hello baby
how was your day at work
I bet you're tired
so just sit down
and take a load off for awhile
here's a little back rub
tell me when it gets to be too much
by the way supper's almost done

pre-hook
Oh and I know you're probably thinking
that I've done something wrong
'cause it's been so long
since I've done anything for you like this baby
it's just that I've finally had a day off
to get caught up with the one that I love

hook
I'll do anything you want
do anything you ask
to try to make things easier
you're wish is my command
I'll do anything you want
whatever you desire
and I know it may seem odd
but if you ask me why
I'll tell you why
no particular reason hey
'cause I just felt like doin' somethin' nice for you today

verse 2
let's go upstairs
let me show you what's next
I hope you like it
it's a bubble bath and some wine by candlelight
I'll sponge you down with kisses
then we can do the business
if you want
the night's still young baby baby

pre-hook
you've got my undivided attention
there will be no interruptions
I've unplugged the phone
the nights all yours
I've been so busy and
perhaps it's my fault
but now that I have got some time off
I'll do anything you want

repeat hook

bridge
There's no woman in this world
who can do all the things you do for me
I can never measure up to you girl
but please believe
that I'll try harder to make things easier
to prove I'm worth your time and
make sure I keep you mine oh...

Mood: Wondering if things can be the same ever again...
Irritated that Tina lost and nothing can be done about it...
Wishing I could hit the dance routine perfectly...

When life brings u down...God brings u back up. I woke up and just didn't know what to think...I thought today would be the beginning of a cold hearted girl looking for answers but instead, I found that I couldn't turn myself away from those that I love and care about. I almost was late to work...so many people walking down bruinwalk. I ran into charles while I road up past Ackerman. It's kewl...I feel like I've been getting to know him and that's cool cuz he's a mysterious guy. I should start going back to Choral...I totally got engulfed in playing ball today so I missed out. Yea, work was cool. I love my job so much and seriously, I don't wanna leave that job after this year...*sigh* but it'll come to an end like everything else. I worked out in the afternoon. It felt weird having a knee support on and all but it was cool. I felt good working out and just feeling so energized. I've been sleeping so much lately. I went and played ball afterwards. I ended up playing a pick up game with some guys. They didn't htink I could play which was all good cuz I love to show em up. Played two pick up games and decided to take off but George was there...I ended up staying and playing HORSE and then another pick up game. I felt hella weird cuz there was an old guy that kept looking at me funny and that frightened me and made me feel funny inside...But yea played D on George but he still scored...and I felt good tearing it up. Anyways...gotta take a shower before we practice...yes, before...me stinky!!!

Song of the moment: "Easier to Run" linkin park

lyrics: It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years & years they’ve played

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
& never moving forward so there’d never be a path
~Linkin Park

Mood: Feeling better...

I've decided to shut myself off from the world...the more I talk, the more messed up my life is getting. So I apologize now to those that may be hurt in the future by me because after today, I won't care to be attentive to others unless I choose to. I'm tired of being used...I'm tired of being ignored...I'm tired of trying to make people see that I'm for real...I'm just tired. So either be in my life or don't be...doesn't matter to me either way. I hate to be this way but I am kinda left no choice...it's either be on my own completely for a while or just be depressive until things are straightened out in my life. A person can only take so much before she breaks...and u have all broken me...all at once...all right now...I don't know what to say anymore. I'm at a loss and I just can't turn away from this until I can escape the underlying pain. Good-bye everyone...

Song of the moment: "god must hate me" by simple plan

Song lyrics: "
Last night i just wanted to have fun
To go out with my friends
I took my dad's car
I never taught he would find out
But I crashed in a wall
Man I'm dead
I guess it's no use
I'm screwing up every little thing i ever try to do
I was born to lose
yeah yeah yeah yeah

God must hate me
He cursed me for eternity
God must hate me
Maybe you should pray for me
I'm breaking down and you can't save me
I'm stuck in hell
and I wanna go home

Last night I had to study for this test
I forgot man I'm dead
and now my brain is bursting out of my head
I can't think I can't breathe
Once again

So what in the world am I suppose to do?
I never did anything to you
so can't you find something else to do?

God must hate me
I wanna go home"

Yea, I just wanna go home...whereever that may be...

Quote of the moment:Katarina's Poem...

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

U know who this goes out to...yea, U!

Mood: On the brink of leaving the world behind...Bye bye...

I have been a total idiot lately...it seems I'll never learn from my mistakes...or even listen to my conscience though it finally kicks in at the ver last second. I feel so stupid and used and I hate myself at this very moment. I don't deserve anything good...and I'm sure I'll be punished for my mistakes. I never worry about someone getting angry at me for what I've done wrong because my worst critic is myself. I'm harder myself than anyone can ever be on me. I know right from wrong but I get lost so easily. This depressive state that I've been in since finals week has not worn off. I want to just escape but it's so difficult I cringe at every lil thing. I let someone get the best of me last nite and I am not proud of it. I had the power to end it all and I didn't. I allowed things to happen and because of this, I am disappointed in myself. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror because I don't want to look myself in the eyes. I'm not happy...I don't understand anything right now. What is wrong with me...why am I doing this to myself? Bliss...it ends just as quickly as it had begun. And the aftermath of it I spend thinking back on how stupid it all was. Fun is defined differently between everyone. Someone's fun last nite was against my own beliefs...and though it took two to commit anything...I know it was my fault. I can't bare to have these feelings within me knowing that innocent people are dying and never fulfilling their dreams...here I am doing stupid things and not deserving the life I have. God, what am I doing here...I don't belong here...I don't deserve to be happy right now. Perhaps that is why I feel like shiz...I'm stupid...Why? Mom, I know ur disappointed in me but not as disappointed as I am about myself. I hate not being able to feel good about myself when this heart of mine needs this attention. I think it's time I closed myself off to the world...it may seem cold but there's no other way for me to feel better.

Mood: If I could...I'd trade my life for cindy's so she could get a second chance while I pay for my mistakes...