Living in this dream world
Only to find that I care so much
Vividly, the memories replay in my mind
Even though it's been this long...I think the message is very clear...

Mai got me wonderin...is it love ? hahah How could it not be...

So last nite it started to hit me all at once...it would be my last nite sleeping in the dorms...my puzzles meal would be my last dinner here...it would be my last time playing george on the reiber courts...how tmw everything will be different...EVERYTHING! I guess it's just so hard to let go of something I've fallen for...that I got use to having...anyways, I must say my parting message now or I'll probably forget to do it later

This year has the biggest drastic changes of my life...I've taken the time to embrace things this year and I'm actually proud of myself. The future looks a lil brighter now...thank God! But I'm sooooooo going to miss things: 2 SOUTH!!! 2S UNIT!!! hehe Communal bathrooms has it ups to, u know! I mean taking shower next to someone and being able to belt out a song and not care who hears u! Or talk about ur problems in there...like how we need to rid EuroChow and put in a Wal-Mart *Nudge Nudge (MONIQUA). Walking down the hall and hearing the weirdest shit...like Peter and Mike wrestling or hearing DRAMA (LOTS OF IT). Walking to the Study lounge and seeing Sameer trying to pop!!! hehe It was only a couple months ago that I was helping all these young freshmen move in for welcome week! Oh man...how I wish I could go back to that day. Mon and Alina...thank u so much for being there for me and I'm so sorry for the days when people just wouldn't let u guys live in ur own room. We're hanging out this summer...i'm not asking, I'm TELLIN U!!! Kevin: u are sooo yellow...thanks for the laughs! Anthony: Aww, my lil jordan head! hehe U are such a star...someday the whole world will know it too. Trevor: Dang, silent but deadly with his dance moves!!! Haha, ur the greatest...thanks for being such a sweetie. Ryan: Thanx for the fun time at my gala...u r perfect in every way even with ur purple shoes. hehe Sameer: U R the best RA...cuz ur more than that; Ur a friend! Good luck with Teach America...KIT when u can so u can teach me ur "popping" technique! PCH Grads: Oh I'm sooo gonna miss ya...Mel and ur cooking. Richelle and ur "look". Lewis and the dancing! Sherry and the red hair. Mariefe...=*( The Rest of PCH...oh man...we're gonna have a blast next year!!! Hoosie...aw, girl! We needs to chill more and go clubbing and get us our Black men...u know how it goes! George: aww, my bball homie! What am I gonna do w/out u? Seriously...I'm a miss ya the most. When I head up north this summer, u better hang out w/me! For anyone I've missed, I'm sorry! I'm just in a rush right now to get everything squared away. Call me when u get the chance people!!! 2 South reunion at our place when we set it up!!! hehehe

Mood: Very sad...I can't tear myself away from here right now

Reality BITES! Hehe Okay...that's all

Taken from Jonny Ngo's Xanga entry for today:

"love... love is like a drug. addictive, impulsive, destructive. but once you have a taste of it, you want more. you need more. and the second it's taken away from you, you'd do anything to get it back. but some people try to move on. some people try to quit and then some people are forced to. and then there are people like me. i'm going through withdrawl. is there such thing as "the patch" for love. you know, put it on my arm to help me get over it? i just gotta keep telling myself, i can bite the habbit. or maybe i should start a L.A. organization... love-aholic anonymous. hi, my name is jonny, and i've been love sober for 2 months and 6 days.

but the thing is. i don't want to quit. i just have too much to give. don't get me wrong. i have no problem being single. i just want to be a love dealer. hehe.

my gift is my song"

Powerful words...more than words...they speak the truth. All the while reading his mesmerizing words, "with or without you" plays in the background...Utada's version. Could my heart be breaking anymore than it already is??? Dang, that struck me hardcore...*sigh* "and u give and u give and u give urself away...with or without you" Yea, isn't that how it always is...I don't want things to end but here they are coming at me fast...Gotta get through this...God, Help me!

Mood: Tmw's the final day...what am I going to do without u now?

Over...

It's sad to see something so great end...just when I was beginning to find happiness and contentness with what I was being given...just when I have gotten use to everything...everything changes again...Change...something I'm never really good at but must go through in order to get by and move forward in life. I don't know, I guess it hurts to let go just when I have learned to hold on. I don't want to turn away from this...from everyone...from the crazy hectic chaos that makes sense to me. I want to stay in this place for a while. I guess that's life for u...put something good in and then strip it away...like the pain a band aid leaves behind when u first rip it off. I don't know...I'm already missing it...I mean how can you not?

song of the moment: Take it from here by justin timberlake

mood: *sigh*

Okay...so studying for english was badddddd!!! I almost overslept it...I barely studied...SOOO BAD...when i got into my final it was like, "Oh shit!" But then I got my final and it wasn't so bad. At least I know I passed! haha It's crazy...went to my MCDB job...so boring but Pamela is hella funny. I'm a miss that job though. UGh, it's over...OVER!!! OVER!!! SOoooOOOoOO Sad but happy at the sametime. Came back to the dorm in time to see Moniqua leave and stuff. It was funny seeing Sameer dancing his lil trad dancing around Alina n me and Mon dancing like 2South was a club. HIT 'EM UP STYLE! It was a funny day...took off in my car and I just went out...driving, AWWW. Came back and Alina told me she wanted to go out and avoid studying...then rose got in on it too. We ended up going to Vicky Secret...nothing there that I really really really wanted. Boba world afterwards and then MCDee's afterwards...haha I think that's the record for me so far...three times in the past four days. LoL *sigh*...watched Simply Irresistable today...not worth my $ but still, it struck a cord in me...*sigh*

If anyone really cares...here's the answers to yesterday's lil question session...

If you were to pick the one thing that alway makes you smile, what would it be?
The happiness of my friends and family...even though sometimes other things bring me down, I need that familiar face to bring me back to my happiness level.

If you could kiss-but only kiss-one person you know anytime you wanted, who would it be?
I don't wanna say...cuz if I did, he'll probably read this and go...NAW!!!

If you were to name the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else, what would it be?
I don't know...everything I do is kinda lame...haha I always try and do something creative for them but that goes individually. I don't think I've done anything sooooo extraordinary...yet! Ask my exes or someone that I was seeing...eww, that sounds gross =*(

If you were to name the most romantic moment in your life so far, what would you say?
The most romantic thing...well...I guess waking up in the arms of someone I care about deeply...feeling them cuddling me and not having to worry about anything...just to watch them sleeping...just to know that for just a second I belong to someone and they belong to me

If you could have changed one thing about your most recent sexual experience, what would it be?
I don't know...I guess u'd have to ask me in person...cuz sexual experience can go on a range of things from kissing (just or and some) to extremeness...and who knows what that can entail. LoL...I haven't done anything extreme

If you were to talk about the greatest lips you have ever kissed, how would you describe them?
Soft and gentle...like we just melted together...something about the way he kisses me that I just feel it surge through my lips and into the rest of me...it's those lips, man!

If you were to pick a moment when your mate looked the sexiest they ever have, when would it be?
I find a guy very sexy when they are dressed up in some nice clothes like a suit...or slacks and a button up shirt...with a tie...or even when we play some sport game and they smile at me while we play...dang, that hits me hard. I don't have a mate so I can't say when HE looks the sexiest...just a general thang.

If you were to name the most difficult "I love you" that you ever had to say, who did you say it to, and why was it so difficult?
To Will cuz I didn't mean it...I just was...I don't know, I guess trying to hold onto something that would never work cuz that means I failed at another relationship again. It's different now though...ain't afraid and know when to say it...

If you had to name the one thing you most fear about relationships, what would it be?
A broken heart...but at the sametime, finding love...THE ONE...that I'll fail at a relationship...I'm not worth loving...saying I love u when I don't mean it...

If your love of your life only had one month to live, how would you spend your time with them?
Anything as long as we're together. Like Sweet November...just spend it in bed cuddling for all I care...show my love how much i love him by doing whatever he wants...

If you had to name the most difficult good-bye you ever said, what would it be?
When my mom died...it's still hard to talk about it...good-byes are too final for me...like forever will we stay a part...*SIGH*

If you had to define "love" in a few simple words, how would you do it?
Love isn't something u can define...it's personally defined cuz it's something u FEEL...u can never truly explain it in words

last but not least,
If you could say "I love you" only one more time, who would you say it to?
I don't wanna say...cuz love is such a strong word that I am not ready for right now...but I swear, I feel it...or so everyone tells me I am...hahha

Song of the moment: Turn the page by aaliyah

Mood: Happy...it's all over but sad at the sametime

So at Barnes n Noble today I bought a book to use for PCH retreats..."The Big Book of IF...(Questions for the Game of Life and Love)" by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell

Here's a couple of questions to think about:

If you were to pick the one thing that alway makes you smile, what would it be?

If you could kiss-but only kiss-one person you know anytime you wanted, who would it be?

If you were to name the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else, what would it be?

If you were to name the most romantic moment in your life so far, what would you say?

If you could have chnaged one thing about your most recent sexual experience, what would it be?

If you were to talk about the greatest lips you have ever kissed, how would you describe them?

If you were to pick a moment when your mate looked the sexiest they ever have, when would it be?

If you were to name the most difficult "I love you" that you ever had to say, who did you say it to, and why was it so difficult?

If you had to name the one thing you most fear about relationships, what would it be?

If your love of your life only had one month to live, how would you spend your time with them?

If you had to name the most difficult goody-bye you ever said, what would it be?

If you had to define "love" in a few simple words, how would you do it?

last but not least,
If you could say "I love you" only one more time, who would you say it to?

I'll answer these questions tmw after my final...ask urself these questions and find out more about urself...self-discovery is such a lost art...and if u really truly care, u'll let that special someone in on these "secrets of the heart".

Mood: Not wanting to study

Thinking about the future days...wondering if u'll be a part of them and hoping deep down that u will be...our paths will cross once again somehow...it's destiny...pure serendipity
I think I'm still in love with u...and if that's the case...isn't this worth the fight?
Perhaps...perhaps not...
I feel it's a losing battle on my part...

*Sigh*

Mood: can't concentrate

Randomness in the room:
Aiza: TAKE ME!!! TAKE ME!!!
Rose: Ok! Ok! *flash*

Random thought of the day:
I know ur going thru things lately & I don't know how to be there for u right now...but always count on me to be someone to u cuz u r definitely someone to me...

This is my msg to all my friends as this year draws to a close...the ups n downs-they never stop but don't let that stop u from living n moving forward

That's personally going out to someone who is hurting right now...ur not alone in this

I have to blog this cuz it's a funny ass thing...so yea, I woke up at around 7 something to go move my car...yea that was funny cuz then I went back to bed and set my alarm for 10...I recall hitting snooze and the next time I woke up it was 12:56...*note: I still had a take-home final due before 5. I quickly got up and ran to my laptop and started typing away. I didn't care what I was writing as long as I was done by 2. And I was done by 2! So yea, I had an adventure dropping it off too cuz I had to take alina, mon, and nathan to bunche, hershey, and dodd. Yea, that was funny..."Mommy, u gotta bring my snacks after soccer practice...I need me my carrots and gatorade!" hehe But yea, mon and alina and I went to Barnes and Noble at 3rd street to study. It was funny cuz when we got there I found a lil nice spot next to a window to study at and one of the workers came up to me and started talking to me:

Worker: Hello? May I help u with anything?
Me: (sitting in the chair busting out my mcdb stuff and taking off my sweatshirt cuz it was warm) Oh no, no, I'm fine.
Worker: Are u sure? Well, if u need anything please let me know? (looks at the empty seat next to me with magazines on it) Are these ur friends?
Me: Oh no, they're not mine!
Worker: Oh let me take those for u...it is a lil HOT in here, isn't it? (breathiest tone I've ever heard!)
Me: Um...yea

Five minutes later...
Worker walks towards me again and bends over in front of me to pick up an empty coke bottle
Worker: U alright? Are u sure u don't need anything? If u need anything, please feel free to ask me. My desk is right over there (still in a breathy tone)
Me: I'm sure...thanks though
Mon calls me and lets me k now that there are seats in the starbucks area...I JAMMED!!!
hehe I just had to blog that...
My first starbucks drink and it sucked...lol rotten whipped cream
Anyways...we bought some stuff at vicky secret...YUM!
Now I gotta study for mcdb!!!

Latez!!!

Mood: do not wanna study at all!!!

Sad when the realization that "this is the end" hits a person...especially me!!! *sniffle sniffle* I guess I don't wanna believe it but I finally realize it...it's all sinking in now

S...I...N...K...ing...

SOOOOOO SAD! I gotta study...gotta get through this...I guess my motivation is summer...even though I'm going to summer school and working, doesn't mean I can't go traveling. Next week I'm going to Vegas!!! yea for me...Planning on San Fran...who knows when yet...SD for the day probably cuz I got tix to Sea World...who wants to come with? *poke poke* I wonder who would want to spend the whole day with me ALONE? hahaha Oh wait, haha I just made that sound so UNAPPEALING! Anyways, planning a day at Disneyland with Aiz, rose, alina, and Mon...I don't know yet...I gotta see about the tix cuz I only got one right now...working on the rest for later. July...if u guys are interested I can see about getting comp tix or at least discount. Motivation...I suppose...I still wish I was going to do summer school up at Berk...that would have been awesome! *sigh* Too much hassle though...but probably would have been worth the trouble. Bay area is always worth the trouble...LoL Always smiling times and never sadness. Anyways...um, got to go work on this essay more

Mood: Scared about finals...sad about the end