I'm just confused...

Pondering my life...

...taking things in one at a time

realizing that i've grown up...

...I've made mistakes

and I've lost so many things and people along this weary road...

...my life has become my own dealing

no one to depend on but myself...

...that is why...

I must fulfill my days with living life and not watching it pass me by any longer...

Yea...that's it

song of the moment: "Sorry Song" Brian Mcknight...I'm still tripping cuz it's all in tagalog

Quote of the day: "Do you know how to read?!?!" Rosey says to Minh last night when he struggles on remembering chinese characters

It's so interesting that I find joy in writing in u, oh blog of mine! **sigh** today is just strange...I find the world turned against me but in reality it is me simply overreacting once again...but seriously, I still feel snubbed. Oh well, like it matters, I suppose...it doesn't. It'll all be alright tmw, I am assuming. We lost to USC tonight...once again. I swear...what the hell ever happened to all these bomb ass sports teams I heard sooooo much about when I wasn't attending here???? I guess they disappeared along with my mind cuz I sure aint' thinking straight. Oh gosh, next week is my retreat for PCH...another one...I'm confused about where we are going cuz I thought we talked about mexico but I guess that was just a suggestion. I'm assuming now we are going to the snow but I don't know yet...haahaha maybe I'll find out later. I totally forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDDIE...his birthday was new years day...crazy child...I still have ur bday gift. U never called me...=*( I left my number with ur roommate before you left for santa monica but I guess u didn't get it. Oh well...anyways, give me a call when u can...just im me for the number. Someone save me from myself!!!!

Song of the moment: "missing you" off the set it off soundtrack, Tamia, Brandy, and Chaka kahn

Song lyrics: "How could it be now the sweet memories are all that we have left? Now that you're gone, everyday I go on...but life's just not the same. I'm so empty inside and the tears I can't hide. But I'll try and face the pain...thought I'm missing u...I'll find a way to get through. Living without u...cuz u were my sister, my strength, my pride...God may know why...still, I will get by. There were so many things that we could have said...if time was on our side. Now that ur gone, I can still feel u near so I'll smile with every tear I cry."

Quote of the moment: "JAMIE...JAMIE...JAMIE, we're gonna date some day!" ~Alina while watching "The Bachlorette"

Mood: Lonely and sad

today was the first day of winter quarter...I could barely sleep last nite...I kept waking up: 1:30am...3:30am...5:22am...I just stayed awake after that. I don't know why though. Maybe it's the flu meds I took for my lil symptoms. It was weird...no one else was up at 6...I was in the bathroom alone. I brushed my teeth and did my usual routine and I decided to wash my hair so i went back to my room and got my stuff. No one was up still...when I got out, there was a weird guy sitting in the middle of the hallway where the couch is. He had a windbreaker with his hood up...he wore glasses and had a mustache. He had a bag with him and he was sleeping with his head in his hand propping it up. It scared me. I quickly went back to the room and Rose had finally gotten up. We walked back to the bathroom but when I looked at the couch area, the guy was gone! I swear, I did not make him up. He was really there!!!

I went to Atmo. Sci. at 9...my first class. I'm taking it with Dr. Lew. ahhaha man that class is going to be boring but easy for me...it won't be so much for me to handle. I went to work after that. i talked with Desie. It was funny cuz we talked for half an hour about her nieces. One had gotten early admissions to Stanford. Big whoop! LoL...I don't care much for ivy league schools but whatever...their tuition and housing is expensive! We started talking about her other niece. She's a smart child...computer prodigy but she has no extra curricular activities...that's a big deal with colleges especially UCLA. I got out of work at 12...I came back to the dorm to rest but the construction annoyed me. I went to class at 1:30...I ran into Will on the way there...looking at him now, i don't know what I was thinking about!!! I went to Fil Am experience...the prof. tries hard to not be nervous but it shows...oh well he's a cool prof. ! Today was a fun class...we talked about what constitutes a "pinoy", "pinay", "Filipino"/"a", "Pilipino"/"a"...it was interesting. He gave us a spoken word piece by napoleon lustre that really moved me...

CONDITIONS (AN UNRESTRICTED LIST)

You are Pilipino if your mother is Pilipina...if your father is Pilipino...if you are from 'pinas...if you have one drop of Pilipino blood

You are Pilipino if you're Chinese but are from the Philippines or if you're only 1/2 or 1/3 or any 1/fraction and your last name is Tan, Ong, or Chua and you constitute the less-than 1% of the native population. who control more-than 50% of the national commerce.

You are Pilipino even if you deny it because your parents, or theirs, or theirs are Espanol, mga Kastila who settled in las islas Filipinas names after your king once. My father, too, is named Felipe from tall, bug-eyed Malays with high noses and wavy hair. Id on't know how many generations they have been on these arbitrary islands that define us maybe before Biak-na-bato broke in half at least before Bernard Carpio pushed his handprints deep in the flat surfaces to separate the broken Boulder. The jungle has grown into the hollows.

You are Pilipino if you are descended from the children of the Spanish friars, priests, and other unholy men.

You are Pilipino if your mother was an American base hostess and your eyes are green or any shade lighter than black, really and your last name is Murphy, Sullivan, or even Brown.

You are Pilipino it doesn't matter if you've been whitewashed by blood or culture so bleached out you don't think twice about blue contact lenses, affirmative action, or skit trips to Utah and you sleep well at nights with all the alien consonants in your mouth.

You are Pilipino if you are Black because your mother or father [or both] is from American of African ancestry or your mother or your father [or both] is Negrito or your mother or your father [or both] is from america of Negrito Ancestry.

You are Pilipino if you are part Japanese even though your father was the fruit of betrayal. Less than human, they called him and your grandmother killed herself after a lifetime as the local loka. Since the execution of her soldier/invader/lover. Unless you are from Hawaii where your grandfather joined your grandmother against the white plantation owners. Some say that's what the wars were always about anyway.

You are Pilipino if you are 1/2 Mexican, 1/2 Flip that west coast Catholic mix like the Irish-Italians back east. My friend Tony's folks are both Mexipinos met and married in Oxnard. Tony always says he has two reasons to boycott grapes.

You are Pilipino if you know that history docked on our islands long beofre any pale giants' boats ever got close and history docked there made hom there ever since. yes, if you know that and if you know that history has been leaving ever since for the next boomtown in Paua New Guinea...Saudi Arabia...Hong Kong...Montreal...Hilo...Maybe even Ho Chi Minh City or Los Angeles to doc there ans stay wondering about those islands that once had no name.

You are Pilipino if you left and never made it back and you think you will die with only a child's memory of how the air smells the first day after the typhoon has passed and in a week the mud will still squeeze between your toes, red but smooth and heavy like the Duncan Hines frosting for a dollar thirty-nin at the Korean store down the block from the Rampart Police state in P-town.
~Napoleon Lustre

That really moved me...it made me think...it made me sad...it made me proud to be who I am. It takes a lot sometimes to instill me with my background. I had that last year...and then that was taken away from me with PCN...ironic, isn't it? But yea, slowly but surely....I'm working back up to that level of pride.

I'm going to go to bed on that note....good nite and sweet dreams, eyes of the reader of my blogger...

Song of the Moment: "How you gonna act like that" Tyrese

Lyrics of the moment: "It seems like just the other day that we hooked up
(I was drivin', you was walkin' and I swooped you up)
From that moment on I knew you were the one, yeah
(I was single, you was lonely and we fell in love)

We would sit and talk for hours about anything
(Baby, you hang up, no, you hang up, on three hang up)
I bought your whip, I paid your rent, I gave you everything
(Said you'd always be my baby then you bounce)
How you gonna act like that
How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that
How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

Girl, I never thought that lovin' you would hurt
(I did everything a good man would to make it work)
Girl, you should have told me you had second thoughts
(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)

Now I'm thinkin' you and me was a mistake
(But then it hits me and I'm missin' all the love we made)
Girl, I know that we've been goin' through some things, yeah
(But the sun is SOMEWHERE shinin' even when it rains, oh)

I'll be the one you kick it to
I'll be the one that misses you
I'll be the one to ease your pain
I'll be the one you'll want to gain
And you'll be the one who can't forget
You'll be the one that's HEAVEN SENT
You'll be the one I can't DENY
You'll be the one that makes me cry, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Why you do)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta act like that)
How you gonna change it up (Whoa, ho, baby), we just
finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (But I need you)

How you gonna act like we (Oh) don't be makin' love
(Whoa: baby, baby)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

You know I'm willin' to do anything
Just to keep you in my heart (Keep you in my heart)
I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part (Yes, I did, baby)
I was a player and made the choice to give my heart to you
And I gotta keep it that way, ooh, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Ooh, baby)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta treat me this way)
How you gonna change it up (Why you treat me wrong),
we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (Can me somebody tell me why)

How you gonna act
(Why, why) like we don't be makin' love (Hey)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff (Oh, oh, baby),
that ghetto love
How you gonna trip (All my friends became your friends),
how can you forget
(All my ends became your ends)
How you gonna act like that

Keepin' IT ghetto (All I want is you)
Keepin' IT ghetto (All I need is you)
Keepin' IT ghetto (All I need is you)
Keepin' IT ghetto (All I need is you, all I need is you, babe)

How you gonna up and leave me now (Oh, babe, how you gonna act like that)
How you gonna act like that (Hey, hey)
How you gonna change it up (Oh), we just finished
makin' up (Why you actin' so shady, oh, oh, baby)
How you gonna act like that (Anything you want in me I got ya, hey)

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff (Why you actin' so shady),
that ghetto love
How you gonna trip (Oh, oh, baby), how can you forget
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that

Mood of the moment: proud

Wow, my last entry did not get submitted...that sux! But anyways, I guess I can just fill u in on the details later.

I'm back at UCLA...internet, 24-7...been bored for the past two nights but I guess for me it's better than being busy. Last night was a lil awkward...Mike called to say he was coming over...I didn't feel well enough for company but he didn't care. He drove here...searched for parking and was unsuccessful. SOOOOOoooOOOooOOO~he went home...I didn't even see him at all. I let him come here and I let him leave...perhaps that was mean of me to let him do so when I don't care what he did but then again there was part of me that wanted to see if he was willing to make the effort at all. Yes, I am surprised that he has been trying the past two weeks but does that really make up for all these months? ...All these years?...all this time? I guess my love truly faded for him a long time ago...the only thing that had me clinging on was all this unfinished business between us. The fact that our relationship and our love was basically a phasod...a charade...seemingly nothing...I don't know. His intentions do not seem genuine towards me and that scares me...a weakened heart like me is susceptible to so much...and I wouldn't be surprised what my clouded mind would allow me to under go. Besides that...Mike, to finally be able to say good bye to u is the hardest thing for me to do...but love has changed me...love has left me...and u have tried too late...

Xmas eve...was a fast paced night...my cookies, cupcakes, and rice krispy treats went over well with my family. Once again, not many presents...money were my prime gifts. EJ and Reggie liked their skateboards...I really home that they do not go out and hurt themselves...especially EJ. I do not want to see another cut on him. One year anniversary of my mom's death...it still hasn't hit me completely...I have acknowledged that she is gone...but for how long, it remains hidden deep within me. I do not know why...but when it hits me, I don't think I will be able to get out of bed or be able to pry the tissue from my hands or my eyes.

New years eve...good lord, if only people had asked me to go out with them earlier and not the day of...I spent the night with my family. I love my family but for me, new years eve is a night I would like to spend with friends...especially in the company of a crush or significant other. I haven't spent one with a sig. other...makes me sad. Never had that midnight kiss...I went out last year with no one...went into the new year with no one. Perhaps that is a good thing. I think it was after talking with Mai that I realized that I am only content with being single because I am unsuccessful being in a "real" relationship. I dwell on things that I just won't let go...so I purposely screw up a good thing. For now, I am content with just having fun with whomever comes along...haha DAMN, MAI...u had to intro me to bobby...he's mesmerized me for some reason though I do not know him. I doubt I'll get to know him cuz it doesn't seem like he likes me. **sigh** welcome to the main plot of my life story...hahaha...but anyways...New year's resolution...must get to know a guy well enough so I may know what I am getting into when we start a relationship. I'M TRYING!!! hahaha

Speaking of New Year's resolutions...I am going to try once again to build me up some study habits...I wanna get out of UCLA with a good gpa and a good start on my life...that's what I need to do! I am going to try for straight A's. Raise my GPA some how. I need to save money and focus on what needs to be focused on. That means no guys becoming the center of my life again...yea, after Will, we just don't need that again. Yea, he thinks that I didn't pay much attention to him...but the truth was, I did. I shouldn't have...that led me off into a different path. That was horrible for me...a downfall to my tragic demise. I guess that's how it all goes for me...how it always goes.

I have a new toy!!! Rose got me the huge Goober...I think Rosey said his name is Hubert or Hughbert or something along those lines. I call him Hubert anyways...so whatever. He can barely fit on the end of my bed...he's too big. Aiza got me a baby pooh bear so now Schnuggle me pooh gots a friend.

I start classes again tmw...another intense ten week chaotic mess....yea. I'm taking only three classes: atmo sci 3, com. stud. 10, and Fil Am Exp. I'mt aking things slow but at least i know I can handle it htis way instead of breaking down like I did in spring quarter last year. that was horrible. I practically went insane. i don't wanna do that again. I have plenty of time to be hardcore later in life but I only get to experience this college life once...

I guess that's it for now...

Song of the moment: "I miss you" aaliyah...**sigh**

Quote of the moment: "don't quote me on that"~ME

song lyrics of the moment: "It's been too long and I'm lost without u...what am I going to do...it should have been me and u...wondering if ur the same and whose been with u...is ur heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes...I miss u...off to college...yes u went away...straight from high school u up and left me..."

mood: ICKY...NO SCHOOL!!!