Here I go...again

I haven't been in the greatest mood this week...having to run around like a lil bitch doing things for other people while rarely being able to do something I wanna do...yea, total bullshit...I cry in the shadows of this darkened corner praying no one would see me...but a small part of me peaks out into the light to glance at the happy people dancing amongst the brightened room...and people wonder why I am not amongst the happy people...take a guess why...

I try to hold on to the things that make me happy but in the process of doing so, I screw myself over...I end up losing the happy feeling, the thing that brings me happiness, and I gain disappointment and sadness and resentment and regret

Why why why Why???

I complain a great deal but I never do anything about it...my cocky ass just continues to have my mouth get me into trouble. Why can't I just be HONEST with myself??? I just...I just...I just...don't know...

I'm trying to forget Jorge...trying to move on from everything right now...Bahala na...come what may. Roll with the good times...and the bad...and the odd.

Hopefully when (or even if) Carlos comes tmw things will get better...I'm gonna study for a bit...maybe...we'll see

*sigh*, Wala na ko puwede mahalin...I think that's wrong...lol

I'm working on it...

Song of the moment: "I care about you" Babyface, KC, JoJo, etc.

Mood: Still a lil hurt but feeling better...

Do u hurt me to make urself feel better?

I'm definitely having tinig withdrawals...tonight was cool. Tinig performed Lupang Hinirang (did I spell that right??? I never do), Malayo pa ang umaga, and Mga Munting Tinig at the Small Voices premiere in Beverly Hills. It was awesome...the movie made me cry. I don't know...one of the death scenese got to me cuz it brought back memories of seeing my mother in a casket. I couldn't help but tear up and burst a lil. I don't know...the song got to me too. I am so proud of choral and at the sametime I miss it. We all went out to eat at Tomy's afterwards. Ron serenaded me...it was great. His voice is so...maganda...mellowing...dreamy. His car is hella stocked up too...TV on the visor...blue lights underneath...sound system with subs in the back. Crazy...I went to an apt. party afterwards with Art and JJ. It was crazy cuz the people were watching some Modern competition tapes and I saw Stephen on one of them cuz Chain Reaction was one of the competitors. I called up Jorge today and I'm pretty sure he is ignoring the call...I guess I can say fuck it for now...why care if he don't care? Shit, rearranging my schedule so his ass can come here...redefining my habits so he doesn't hear what he doesn't like...what the fuck has he done for me? Eh, the funny thing is, I complain and complain but yet I still wanna be with him...or do I? I don't know...I'm putting myself out on a limb and I think it's about to break. Actually, I'm about to break. My life here is crazy as it is...and he and I don't seem to really make sense in general but he makes sense to me...we would make sense...fuck, look at the way I''m talking...he has totally got me trippin out right now cuz of this fucked up situation...What the hell? I don't like YOU that much...there are other guys in my life who want a try to...guys who are freshmen to like 24-27 year olds working their way up...what the hell...I'm stuck on this fool...I won't even look at the board. I just...I don't know...is it worth all the shit or should I just pull away now...???

Song of the moment: "mga munting tinig" TINIG

mood: wishing u had called me

I can't help it

I can't help it...I run off emotions instead of my logic. I am not a rational person...I like to go with the flow of things but force/manipulate in order for things to result my way. I've said it before, hope is a crazy emotion...it is an expectation, a motivational tool, a fucked up weapon. We hope for hope...I hope for more than what is truly possible and yes, that sense of expectation can be means for a huge let down. I'm more than ready for things...but is it possible to be too ready? I've had a lot of time on my hands to think about things and to figure out what I want and don't want but yet I still am, in a way, sort of sticking to old habits. They are the hardest things to break but go figure. I can't do a thing about it. I gotta say, my heart rules me...I can think one thing but once my heart has it's mind set on something, I"m pretty much screwed. I run off emotion...adrenaline rushes constantly pushing and striving for more. I can't helpt but be that way. Ever since my mom died I've been more into my feelings allowing them to get the best of me practically all the time. I just don't know what I've gotte myself into. I don't know...I try and try to understand but the more I try the more it makes no sense. I am glad I had Carlos and my blog to be able to talk to or write on cuz if I didn't have them...well, I would be nursing some really hardcore feelings right now. I just can't help it...I fall fast and I fall hard...sue me. But then again in this situation it's not just falling...it's a matter of skepticism and doubt. I have always told myself everyone deserves a second chance but why should I put myself through the same ordeal? I guess it's that hope again...the hope that there is still something there to cling to...to revive...to hold on to at any cost. I guess I fool myself into believing that things can change when I know, it'll always be this way. Now will never be the right time...tmws will be but another day...and no guy will ever perceive me and treat me the way I desire to be treated...I'm screwed and doomed to live out relationships that will never work because I'm too afraid of one that will work. Or in this case, I'm scared it will work.

I want it to work...

is that sad?

You can't help the way you feel...or in this case, what you may not feel either

Song of the moment: "I wish I wasn't" Heather headley

Mood: Wondering if I messed up again

I set myself up for this one...

Crazy day...from not wanting to get up...to fallin' asleep in class...to a drizzly wait in front of my Physical Therapist's office...to a nasally dialogue in Tagalog class...to football craziness...to getting popped in the throat and scratched on the ass...to fun stuff with Johnny, Ron, Mai, and Arvin...food at johnny's...johnny's rockets...to bball shootin...to ddr...to a beautiful gift/surprise from ron...to bullshit with Jorge...to crying like I didn't think it would happen.

So I had a couple of good catches durin the football game today but yet I wasn't satisfied with my performance. So wait...was Ron hitting on me or am i just imagining things? Does he always buy presents for chix...??? I don't know...I felt guilty for him paying for my piece of art but what could I really do? I didn't do anything with him...I barely met him! But something he said clicked in me, "So how's your man treating you?" I wanted this to work...but now I think to myself, "it's Jorge." Wake up, sheena...the past will repeat itself cuz if he really cared he wouldn't have put my hopes up like that. I told him guys always flake on me and he said he wouldn't...in fact he said, "Just wait...you'll see." I see alright...I see that you just wanna hurt me...I'm setting myself up for a disappointment...he's never gonna change. I'm trying to break my habits like saying hella in front of him but it sux cuz he won't change a damn thing for me...he said he wouldn't smoke a cigar in front of me...and he did...I just wanna cry right now...I hate how things are right now...he fucked me over...again...*sigh* I'm doomed...I'm already liking him more than he likes me and I don't even know why...I guess it's those unexplainable things that just puts u in the weirdest moods...argh!

Something off of Jonny Ngo's page again...speaks my mind right now:

i'm scared. scared of disappointment. scared to disappoint. scared of wanting something and not getting it. scared of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. that's why i hide myself. i hide my true feelings behind all that you see. is what you see really me? or what i want to be? so you all assume that it's me behind the love drawings and romance. maybe i draw what i desire most. i don't really open up as much as you think. maybe you're right. maybe it's all just words. i know i don't try as hard as i should. cause i know if i did, i'll just become disappointed.

well. i've kinda have not been holding back like i usually do. i've been opening myself up lately. cause i think there's a special person out there for me that's worth it all. worth everything it takes to make it work. worth the effort... to make it effortless. well. i haven't been holding back... but i'm starting to think i should. i'm starting to worry. worry that i might get hope, and thoughts, and happiness... and then become disappointed. not disappointed in you. disappointed in what might and might not be. what could be here and now, or just a whisper of what was dreamt. i am a dreamer. i am high hopes. i am optimism at its peak. but even elephants get scared of mice. i am a building, standing tall and proud... attack me at my foundation, and i will crumble.

you are at my base right now. i've let you through the door. so, you can either support me, help me reach for the moon and stars... or push me down. my knees are weak... i just might fall.

i'm waiting, sitting here waiting for you. i'm single, cause i'm sitting, waiting for you. and i sit, and wait... for you. are you worth the wait? i want to find out. i want to see for myself. i want to know you, your touch, your kiss, your everything... so i sit, and wait, for you. because that's the only way i will ever know. i want to know how you feel in my arms. so i'll wait as long as it takes. but only if i know you were waiting for me too.

i want to run. i want to go jogging. i want to sweat. i want to lose water. i want none left for tears. actually. i haven't cried in forever. maybe i never had any left for tears to begin with. oh well, as long as i'm not staying still. someone asked me if i'm happy about how my life is leading. well, i'd rather be going in circles, going nowhere, as long as i'm circling around you, then have a life that leads somewhere without you.

well, this week's song is not a song i usually listen to, but it goes with the theme. actually... the name of the singer and the song title has a personal irony to it. haha. maybe i'll tell you about it if you ask nicely.

ivy
disappointed

baby for the first time
i'm falling, falling for the last time

half dead on the inside, feels like nothings left at all
half smile on the outside, then it's gone

i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed

could it be that this time
we're just longing, longing for the first time

it's been such a long night
now we're sleeping back again
no matter how we try to pretend

i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed

i could never see what you wanted from me
all your going to be is disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed

half dead on the inside, feels like nothing's left at all
half smile on the outside, then it's gone

i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed

i could never see what you wanted from me
all your going to be is disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be
i'm just going to leave you disappointed

Somewhere in between by lifehouse

mood: pissed and sad and mainly disappointed

I think this can work

I'm tired...I talked to Jorge for like three hours last nite...good and bad...random and some explanations. At one point I started to sob a lil cuz we brought up the deaths of our mothers. His mom died of cancer too but while he was in high school. Mine died of cancer while I was in college. His was a prolonged death and mine was very quick. I guess it's nice to be able to talk to someone who has experienced the same thing I have cuz those who haven't gone through that experience yet cannot relate on some levels. It's good to be able to be open...it's helping me out a lot. Just wish I could concentrate on class more. I'm asking for strength here...I wish you could give it to me.

Deep shiz from Joann's page again...

Tuesday, October 07, 2003
starting over by going back to the past?

so i've learned
love spares no room for rationales
it can't derive your best match
from the right variables and equations
its not who has the best conversations
or who will treat who better
its not the best looking or the funniest
the more honest or the more willing

instead its
a craziness
a foolish instinct
that makes no sense other than
it feels good
and you can't think of anyone else
you can't be with anyone else
its not right with anyone else

i know this.
and its all in how you mix the two
but somehow i can't help but take it personal
maybe love is not a possession
but i can't help but take ownership
for what went wrong-
its a curse to love someone for their struggles
for who they want to be as much as for who they are
and were
for all their pain and strength
their happiness and weaknesses
their insecurities and inner demons

i want
someone as imperfect as this life is
as on fire as this life is
someone who makes me want to become a better person
an individual
who can grow independently
together with me

i want someone who drives me wild.

i think he needs security.
i think he needs safe.
i think he needs a puppy -
or a parasite.
someone who breathes only
to suck the sap of
his vitality

and i won't be that girl.


so take the only thing you know of love
and recycle all the conventions you've already established
play de ja vu and relish that you're a creature of habit
fall in love with familarity once again

don't let me see you sad
you've already forgotten me in her arms
you've let her touch compensate for her sting
you've allowed her to spoil you into complacency....

and so i've learned
happiness is stagnant.
and i want someone strong enough to grow and keep up with our discoveries.
i want no one right now.
fuck penis.
fuck love.
let them fuck each other.
i don't give a fuck anymore.
say goodbye to people who aren't worth your faith.
spend your time with genuinity- people who love you for you and will stay true.
goodbye lies. goodbye past. i will move on now.

forget me in her arms...
i would have never hurt you
i think despite the odds
deep down you know
i would have been true
not like it matters now.
its all over now.


i hope you have everything you've ever wanted.
you no longer have me.

ejaculation by joannafeen at 3:14 AM

Song of the moment: "nothing looks good on me but you" Soluna

Mood: I don't know if I'm getting sick or not...and I'm hoping not...

It's easier this way...I guess

The internet has been trippin out at that apt for the past couple of days...I haven't been able to make any entries but yea...this weekend was an insight to the possibility of perhaps the future. I went tailgating with Jorge and his family again...I baked goodies for the event. The snacks went over well...but I didn't realize how well I was going to be liked that day. Abbey n Miranda (Ramone's kids) took a liking to me. I must admit, I did too...they are great kids. It just scared me though; could I be liked this way by Jorge's family? I guess it scares me deep inside cuz I don't want to fall for Jorge...I don't want to be hurt by him again cuz the past couple of weeks have been good. Something always messes up my happiness. Felt good knowing that when he took me up in his embrace that it was real...it felt like he really wanted to hold me...I don't want to feel this way knowing he isn't in it for the long run. I mean, yea, I'm skeptical right now but things are going fine, or at least that is what I assume...the past has its ways of repeating itself...in this case, I hope it doesn't. I hope I don't screw this up...even though I still have deep feelings for someone else, I can see thsi working between Jorge and I. Please give us strength...

Song of the moment: evanesence "oktober"

Mood: Wishing u had called but now disappointed that u didn't...