Turn your lights down low
And pull your window curtain
Let the moon come shining in
Into our life again
Saying ooh, it's been a long, long time
I got this message for you girl
But it seems I was never on time
Did I wanna get through to you girl?
On time, on time
I want to give you some love
I want to give you some good, good loving
Yeah I want to give you some good, good loving

Turn your lights down low
Never ever try to resist, oh no
Let your love come shining in
Into our lives again
And ooh, I love you
And I want you to know right now
I love you

And I want you to know right now
That I, that I
I wanna give you some love
I wanna give you some good, good loving
I wanna give you some good, good loving

Loving you is a like a song I replay
Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day
And every chorus was written for us to recite
Every beautiful melody of devotion every night
It's potion like this ocean that might carry me
In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me
And every word, every second, and every third
Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard
And when I play them, every chord is a poem
Telling the Lord how grateful I am cause I know him
The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes
Stand in love, take my hand in love, God bless

I want to give you some good, good loving
I want to give you some love
I want to give you some good, good loving
I wanna give you some good, good loving

OKAY, FORGET THE BULLSHIT!  I don't know why I'm trying to lie to myself...or to anyone else that reads this for that matter.  Okay, so I censor myself on my blog cuz I know people read it (even when I believe that no one does.)  I sit here trying to find the words to type and try and sound like I know what the fuck I'm talking about when i really don't.  Here's the 411:

I'm lame

I'm stupid

I'm lonely

I'm constantly sad

I'm constantly stressed

I'm rarely happy...

I'm always waiting for others

 

What the fuck am I doing to myself???

 

I hate the way I look...I feel dumber and dumber every freakin' day...I feel like I've lost Ron already when we're still together...I don't think I'm going to graduate...I feel like I've failed everyone...I'm sick and it doesn't seem like I'm getting any better...

 

I'm SO SCARED!!!

 

So, like my blog mentions, Monday was 6 months for Ron and I...yeah.  Big deal to me but unfortunately, meaningless to Ron.  I must be honest that, of course, hurts me.  For someone who hasn't ever really had a lasting relationship, every anniversary is special...but I guess that's me and my sentimentalism.  I don't know what it is, but I guess the way I see Ron and the whole anniversary deal it's like he's not taking this relationship seriously cuz we haven't been together long (or even known one another that long either).  Just cuz we haven't had sex (U know, it seems like all freakin' relationships these days have sex included but not me cuz I wanna stay a virgin til I get married...whole other issue...) it's like he looks at me differently...like, eh, this thing hasn't gotten serious yet.  I know he doesn't think about the sex thing as an issue but sometimes I can't help but think it is for him...if only he knew that when our anniversary comes around (month wise) my heart sorta skips a beat and makes me realize he's special...but then he reminds me, "____ months mean nothing...1 year, that's different."  then I feel like I'm put in my place as if being told, "Look, ur not up on my list yet, so slow ur roll and quiet about the whole commitment thing.  It's no biggie."  Then i feel my heart hurt and I just start crying...although this is my longest relationship, it is also the relationship in which I've cried the most, worried the most...

 

Maybe it's my medication that's making me depressive...or maybe it's just the fact that he stood me up again...maybe I'm just stressed out...

Maybe, just maybe...

 

I've taken that step forward...looking for answers...seeking truth.  It's so scary...so lonely...so different.  I'm trying to bare down and hold on for dear life...the sucky part of it all is that most of it is a waiting game.  Isn't it always though?  I'll bite my lip and just take it...for me, that is very hard to do...I'm not the type of person to not say anything...I'm trying to understand...I'm trying to hold it together...I'm trying...I don't know how much longer though...how much longer???  Broken words are broken promises...they are one in the same...

Don't tell me something if it ain't true...

Just don't...

Lately, all there has been are questions.  There aren't any answers, just questions.  There is a lot of animosity and anger...why, I don't really know.  The shadiness between is hella palpable.  I don't know how to explain it or even a reason why there is any shadiness but I can't help but feel like he's keeping me at a distance for a reason...

why?

It seems like the more I try to look at him, the more I just end up seeing his backside...as he turns away from me...more eye rolling...more frowning...more of everything but happiness...

why?

*sigh*

Scared out of my mind

I'm awaiting 3:15pm to arrive...questions will be answered (I hope)...my life may change (I hope not)...I just can't help myself right now...

God, help me, please!

...feels like the first time we met that I kissed and I told you I loved you...
 
Limewire is cool! hehe Yeah for dling legally.  Cost me a lil bit but that's okay...it's better now cuz I can get my old school faves again and my new school.  Dang, I just can't help myself lately AGAIN...keep thinking about writing my own story...shit I use to do when I was younger.  I keep seeing the words in my head...like writing upon a wall...I just see the words...
 
I just can't get myself to write the down though...like I want to constantly change them.  UGH!
 
I am still sick...argh!  I just wanna sleep all the time cuz my head always hurts...argh!  NO NO NO!  GO AWAY U STUPID COLD!
 
Lately my dad has been cleaning up the house...mainly my room and stuff...my mom's stuff was in there...was as in no longer...*sigh* it's like all the memories are being erased and I can't do anything about it...it's like losing her all over again...I guess my dad is dealing with things his own way...*sigh*

Happy 6 months, sweety!

Well, today's Ron and my 6 month anniversary...a milestone in my life.  Yeah, wow...