It's like nearly 3 in the morning and I'm still up...I can't sleep. Like usual, I'm thinking...I don't wanna think right now...I wanna relax and catch up on my sleep. I don't know if I deserve it though...

My third English paper was due today and I basically wrote it all this morning after History discussion. OMG, I totally knocked out in History...I didn't mean to it's just I was soooo exhausted from all this dance practice and the two ball games I had this week. I haven't really blogged anything since Tuesday. Well, Let me catch up on what has happened.

Thursday morning I woke up to a couple of IMs from George...haha that fool is hella crazy! Watched a movie when he was suppose to be working on his essay and all...haha but yea, apparently he did something to a picture he took of me at Getty. He sent me a link and when I clicked on it, I was hella taken aback. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It was a lil thank u page...he used photoshop on my pic so it looks like I had stars behind me. I couldn't help but smile at it...I don't usually get something that creative. I'm surprised I even got a thank u...for anything. I guess I'm use to doing things for other people and not really hearing the words or seeing how much they appreciated it...*sigh* I'm still a lil tingly thinking about it. But yea...thursday was hella hectic. It was MUG BUG festival of desserts and stuff...which meant our last 2S unit performance. I tweaked my outfit out soooo much...blued up the belly with some eyeliner so it looked like i had a tat and blazed the lips and eyes with some blue shimmer. Crazed out top that I decided to make wednesday (got inspiration from a Tara Reid outfit). So here's what went down...we were suppose to go on at 7:15, after Jonathan Keyes did a set but that fool kept singing hella long. I mean don't get me wrong or nothing cuz I love his songs but dood...I just wanted to get it over with. I felt weird with my crazy costume on and just this feeling in my stomach that I was gonna hella jack up. Well, we cleared the turn around so we could dance and I swear, everyone was there!!! I looked in front of me and the people stretched on for as far as I could see. I looked up to the student store and there were hella people above us ont he roof. I couldn't believe it!!! Of course i jacked up cuz I forgot the new step we replaced one of the old steps with. BUt I caught up again. But yea, after punjabi the music cut out...and well, yea, it sucked but people still liked it. I ended up going to my game later that night for IM. Dang, we got killed by the PTPers again...but it's all good. The season was fun while it lasted. I was in an odd mood all night but it's all good. I ended up staying up til 1 doing my paper...took a nap and woke up at 2 and did my paper and then went to bed again but hit snooze til like 7. Haha, skipped work so I could work on my paper. I got done by like 2 but it wasn't really all that good. I'm scared of my grade now but oh well...can't do anything about it cuz I turned it in. Anyways, Robert and I were suppose to go see the matrix tonight but he wasn't feeling well so maybe tmw...I don't know...if he doesn't go then I'll just go by myself. But yea, Son and I talked tonight. I told him my lil dormal fiasco and pier party craziness. We might hang out tmw depending on what's going on. Dang I don't know y but I just can't sleep right now...I guess I'm 823ing and can't help it. I figure it's normal. I totally cleared out my closets right now cuz dad's coming by tmw to pick up the camera that I forgot to give to Aiz to give to him. He has to go to Lola's cuz Lola hit her head and yea, u know how it goes. Hoping Lola is okay...Lolo and Lola's 60th anniversary is coming up in July...gotta lose weight for that cuz of the whole competition...haha dropped off the diet a while back but I'll be on it again soon. The grandkids are paying this time around so I'mgonna be hella broke by the start of Summer session. UGH! I ran into Kuya Arnold today *Jimmy as he so aptly called now*. It was weird cuz I was parking my bike at Rolfe and there he was yelling out to me...I almost didn't realize he was talking to me til I kinda squinted at him. I was wearing my glasses so I couldn't see so straight. Crazy seeing my cousin around here...I remember last year I saw him behind me and he didn't recognize me. But it's all good...Anyways, I should try and get some sleep. I think I might wanna do stuff all day tmw. We'll see...

Song of the moment: Time after Time by Cassandra Wilson

*Thinking about Brown Sugar cuz I watched it again today after I turned in my paper in hopes I'd get sleepy...

Mood: can't stop 823ing...SHOOT!

Everything Happens For a Reason

Saying good bye can be the hardest thang to do
When you really love someone
You keep holdin' on
Hoping that a second will last, last you forever
but it don't

Letting go can be the hardest thang to do
When you truly care a bout someone
You can't say goodbye enough times
To make the felling last a lifetime
But all the memories never go away

Holdin' on
Holdin' on
Holdin' on
Holdin' on

Believing in love can be the hardest thang to do
After losing a friend as close as you
I need to feel once again like a child in love
But I don't
I can't help but to keep
Holdin' on
Holdin' on (Not for a minute, for a hour no)
Holdin' on
Holdin' on
Everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason, they say
Everything happens for a reason, they say
Everything happens for a reason, they say
Everything happens for a reason, they say

Everything happens for a reason, they say, they say they keep tellin' me
Everything happens for a reason, they say I don't wanna lose you one more time
Everything happens for a reason, they say I don't wanna lose your love one
more time
Not for a second, not for a minute, not for an hour

Everything happens for reason, they say

So I'm in the bitchiest mood in the world...haha half personal probs and half biological...lol I need to sleep....argh, I just got some take out at work and I'm getting hella hardcore food coma. LoL Schweepie! The whole dance thing is getting my body exhausted...argh! It'll be worth it when we perform on Thursday!!! But yea, whoever looks at my blog right now...Sorry if i act cold today but I ain't in the mood for no smiling... unless u can cheer me up *wink wink* I mean a hug, people...getcha mind out the gutter!!!

Mood: FULL...ate satae from Thai House

"Someday u'll cry for me like i cried for u
Someday u'll miss me like i missed u
Someday u'll need me like i needed u
Someday u'll love me, but i won't love U!"
~Unknown

Okay, I must say this...TJ is hella tite! TJ Mendoza, Mr. PTSP himself. Yea, he's the guy who headed up the pier party last friday. Yup, he's the one I ended up dancing with half the time. Yup, he's the one who had his shirt off wearing the lil sarong. He was at our general meeting today-VENTILATIONS. It was cool and he ended up sorta at our Staff meeting too. I was walking out of the office to the elevator when he hopped in with me and asked me if I was going back to the dorms. We ended going back to my place and chillin. We listened to music...he likes the slow jams, like me. It was cool...he told me his lil life story and stuff and wow, i have soooo much sympathy for him!!! Homie has been thru a lot...and still is. He met Aiz and Rose...haha, Aiza got an earful of his deal with Sunflowers but dang, that was hella deep! LoL...he's a cool guy and I can see he and I being friends. We suppose to hang to do some CD for his ex so that will be interesting.
I saw someone today while TJ was visiting...someone that I still feel a mad hate for. Dang, u can't even begin to understand how much i am hating on this person and I am the type of person who can't hold a grudge against someone for long. He really hurt me though...though he doesn't know it. Tohim, everything is cool...to me, I wanna see u rot in hell. I know that's mean but this guy has put me through a lot and to have him prey on someone else disturbs me. what may come off as jealousy is actually me being worried and at the very top of that, disappointed in myself. I really really really let him get the best of me and the fact that I can't take it back and t he fact that I took his words as being real...how can that not hurt me? I just wish things never really happened...

I found this in my notebook today. Something I had written on the first of the month...

It's difficult to concentrate on anything else when youre mind finds someone to infatuate itself with. The broad scope of life narrows its vision to an obstructing tunnel view where all you see is that "someone." I find it easy to fall for him but difficutl to let go when it appeaers that he's worth the fight. The inner battle and the public chaos...it never ends. My heart is never satisfied cuz it wants what my mind wants: YOU. Whatever that means, I don't really know cuz it appears I've lost my grasp on reality and now have slipped into this inescapable dream where you and I both exist...yet still, in this world we aren't together. In this reality all I can do is be with you as a friend (or even that at a stretch)...all it really takes is one word and I'd be there for you. The feelings are there now deeply clandestine beneath the surface where the dark secrets of my life are kept. This is where you still rule a part of me. It hurts to know that there is parts of me that I can't control cuz feelings are too strong for me to hold onto.(WRITTEN TODAY WHILE IN HISTORY CLASS 5/20/03) Like they have a mind of their own. Could I hurt any more than I already do? Constantly hallucinating-seeing your smiling face. I can't be falling...I shouldn't be falling...I am falling...

Song of the moment: "Everything happens for a reason" Zhane

Mood: Feeling better about my life but hella sorry for TJ

So i woke up this morning at 7:30 and finally got up at 8...lol It's so strange cuz I didn't go to bed til like 4 and surprisingly enough i'm not sleepy...yet. I guess it'll hit when I get to class. I don't know what it is but I'm in a far off place lately. I guess my mind is escaping all the shit I need to do. Oh *sigh* I really need to crack down...with MUG BUG and a bball game for playoffs on Thursday I have to start my paper early. i really need a good grade on this one. I got a B- on my first one...SUX!!! I am soooo mad at myself cuz I basically wrote them the two or three hours before it was due in my English TA's mailbox. I have to crack down more...it's 8th week...nearly the mid of it. Sooner or later it'll be finals week and I'm outta here...*sniffle* I think I've gained so much this year than I did last year and it's gonna be the hardest thing to ever let go of this summer or even forever...I just can't believe it all...

I wish I could see ur face...but ur just a dream w/in this lil dream of mine...
~To the guy of my dreams...wherever u are!!! LoL
I still got a couple of "End of the year" presents and graduation presents to get...but I'm soooo broke!!!! I've never had this problem before. I am not about to touch my savings account...As important everyone is to me, that is the last thing I am going to get into cuz that's my fall back money just in case fin. aid doesn't cover me. AWWW...being nice kinda sux sometimes...lol j/p naw, but it's all worth it. It's nothing extravagant but at least they are something. I better start them this weekend cuz I don't wanna have to worry about them last week.

Song of the moment: "Get by" Talib Kweli

To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
We commute to computers
Spirits stay mute while you eagles spread rumors
We survivalists, turned to consumers
To get by.. just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by

Yoyoyo, yo
Some people cry, and some people try
Just to get by, for a piece of the pie
You love to eat and get high
We decieve when we lie, and we keepin it fly

Yoyoyo, yo
When, the people decide, to keep a disguise
Can't see they eyes, see the evil inside
But there's people you find
Strong or feeble in mind, I stay readin the signs

Mood: Thinking about a million different things and not making sense of any of them

It's hitting me like a rock...an inescapable attack on my heart...I was messin with Mon earlier today about being in love...with her. Haha, and I guess she was expecting me to say someone else's name when I hesitated to say who I was in love with. Y this lil conversation continously replays in my mind right now, I don't know. Perhaps it is the fact that I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling...It can't be love! I just can't...it's too short of a time for a person to fall in love unless, I'm in denial. Which I doubt cuz I don't care for anyone that way right now...the most I feel is a strong like, MAYBE...unsure about that one. But it just can't be love...

ToTL Pinay: it'd be crazy if I was in love with him right now
ToTL Pinay: haha
MoEniEcA: no offense
ToTL Pinay: what?
MoEniEcA: but i wouldnt be surprised if u are in love with this cat in like 2 days

I guess not even knowing what love is plays a factor...how can u love someone u barely know? How can u love someone when u can't even figure out what love is. What is love? Is it a feeling? Is it a state of mind? Is it even palpable? One' s heart is our centers' of love...so in that case, what happens if ur heart is in a mending state? I don't know...

ToTL Pinay: I don't have a grasp of what love is anymore
MoEniEcA: ya i think we are too young to know
ToTL Pinay: all these weirdoes in my life...I have lost the sense of what it all means

I have lost sense of what love is...or even what trust is and loyalty and all this other junk. It's like, dang, homie...what does anything ever mean anymore. Does all these moments really add up to anything? I swear sometimes I'm doing all this junk for nothing...not even for the pleasure. I find myself stuck in some odd ass situation where I am in the moment *very happy* and then the next figuring out if it was a mistake on my part. Perhaps it was nothing...perhaps it was a mistake...perhaps it is both. I Don't really know where I am going with this cuz I can't even tell where I am at in my life.

I saw someone today who stirred these surges of anger through me. People don't understand right now why he causes me such pain but if u were me, u'd understand. I've heard the phrase, "I would never lie to you, Sheena" so many times and have had that trust broken that I cringe at the thought that I can't trust people. This one BOY, shall remain nameless cuz I can't even utter his sorry ass name. It hurts me to see him and realize that I had let him get the best of me on so many occassions, especially at times when I was dreadfully low. I wish I could turn my back on him but I just can't and if I did, I would feel guilty about treating SOMEONE like that. He on the other hand could careless about me...shit, he wouldn't even care if I had a name or a face...his mind is cluttered with other things and his words are meaningless. I would give anything to take back so many stolen moments...so many innocent/gone bad times...I would give absolutely anything.

I feel now that I am reliving this situation with another one of my friends now but the thing is, it seems different. I feel I know him more than I did about this guy...how this friend makes me feel so much better inside and outside that I'd feel more torn if he would stop being my friend. He gives me an unbelievable amount of strength...I wonder sometimes how I ever went so long without really knowing him. He's honest with me...or at least I think he is. I don't have much reason to doubt his words except for the fact that many past "friends" have betrayed me. I pray to God that he will be different...

I told Rose how I was feeling lately...how everything just seems to be mixing together and not making any sense. How this whole conversation with Moniqua doesn't make any sense. Rose told me, "Remember how u said u have the feeling something big is gonna happen next year...maybe this is it..." I had said that a couple months ago. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something big is gonna happen next year...I'm gonna meet somebody, most likely "the one" and I'm scared to think that I know that...or the fact that it may not happen. It sux when u don't know what life is gonna throw at u...but at the sametime, it is that mysteriousness that adds to the fun of life. It's just sometimes I wish I knew things in advance to prevent my heart from getting bruised or even my pride. I am so scared and so weird and so confused right now...I just don't get it...NOT ANY OF IT!!!

Mood: Torn in so many directions

Y this hit me right now, I don't know...but it did =P

Cuddling...i think it's the best thing in the world...just being held in someone else's arms or even holding someone else...it causes this overwhelming feeling of warmth within me. Lying next to someone and just feeling them beside u just makes u feel good. Spoon 'em or just hold 'em...tickle em while ur at it...gentle caresses...isn't it a crazy how it can do so much for a person when u are doing so little? I guess maybe it's me. It's one of those things I treasure...how a hug can just turn into a beautiful frozen moment in time. I swear sometimes I could feel my heart racing and pray to God that the person doesn't hear it or feel it. Like my heart is ready to jump out my chest...maybe I'm just exaggerating but u know what I mean? A simple act with great outcomes. If I could...I think one day in bed like that would be the world to me...and whatever events takes place from that...haha I can only imagine lol j/p Anyways, hugs are just about the same to me. Sometimes a girl just needs to be held...nothing attached to it, just a simple hug. *sigh*...is cuz I feel protected? Or cuz it just feels good? or cuz of who is wrapping their strong arms around me? I don't know...I guess it's one of those crazy unexplainable things that u just enjoy when it's there. With that happy note in my mind, I'm outta here...got work in a bit.

Song of the moment: "summertime" Jamie Foxx

"What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower have the fragrant aroma of fine fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not like the unlike the unlikely is not unliking to? Are u with someone tonight? Do not question ur love, take ur lover by the hand. Release the power within urself. U heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right, don't be shy. Whip out everything u've got and do it in the butt."
~Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man *everything was cute until the last line...lol*

Mood: A slight twinging in the chest...I think it's called happiness LoL

I swear, my ass needs to stop getting into these weird ass moods. Happy one moment and like out of it the next. I guess it's like this momentary lapse of insanity...lol. But yea, this morning I went out with Aiz and her cousin to the movies to watch X2. Y did I go pay to see it in the movie theatre? U got me, I mean I have the bootleg here in my room cuz Rajah lent it to me. I guess I just wanted to go out and hang with Aiz cuz it's been a while since we've actually done that. I always do that with Rose but Aiz, we've been on our own lil paths lately. It's weird cuz u never realize that u can miss someone even when they are right next to u until ur actually in that lil moment. I still tell Aiz everything but it's hard to just do things together when we have so much else to do. I guess me and Rose are closer than ever cuz yea...haha we hang out a lot and I don't know...we're just weird like that.
X2 is tite! SOmeone told me that Wolverine died in the movie and the whole time I was waiting for him to die...then realized that hehe another character died...I'm not saying the name in consideration of those who actually read my blog and has not seen the movie yet. Anyways, yea, I forgot that Aiz asked me to go with her today last nite while we were still here but I forgot to put a diff change of clothes in my bag cuz lewis came over and i totally forgot about it. SO all I had today was a dress and some high ass heels. I looked cute today but it was weird cuz I was dressier than people around me. We went to West Cove after that...there was a Yu-Gi-Oh tournie there...it was hella hectic! Some guy like went up to me and said, "Hey, Hawaiian girl, dang, I'm Hawaiian too!" Wow, that's just totally funny. But yea, I bought myself a Curious George Pillow today...It's just sooooo huggable! I gave George his already but I didn't get to dress it up like I wanted to. Oh well. I'll do it when I get the chance. *sigh*...I'm just so out of it right now. A small lil argument over nothin with my dad after church...it's alright now...just the tones of our voices gets weird and we just don't know if the other is getting upset or not.
I'm soooo worried right now about the apt. deposits. We found an apt last week. A friend of Sarah's needs someone for the summer in their apt. and we took a look at it and we said alright. We're getting a diff apt for fall which is actually down the hall from our summer apt. THAT ONE IS SOOOOOOO NICE!!! I just can't wait to move in. It's just so ugh, frustrating to have to come up with 675 a person for the summer deposit and another 333 or something like that for the fall one RIGHT NOW. I mean that's a lot of cash for me...I can't do it right now...My bank account is falling fast. I got sooo much shiz to pay for this spring...I seriously need a job for the summer just to get by. Summer school or what not...aiyah!!! Planning another road trip up north perhaps before summer session A begins or before C. I don't know what to do or say...I guess it's finally hitting me-I'm gonna be out on my own...*big deep breath* Crazy thought, isn't it?
I'm kinda tripped out right now...sorta cuz I just don't know what's going on with my head. Crazy things have happened and don't know if I should let it just lay as they are or find out more. Either way, things are on a whole new level...was I ready to enter that level? Part of me says yes and part of me doesn't...if I let it lay as it is, I'll feel bothered cuz I know i compromised my beliefs for happiness...if i pursue things, it'll just get weird. I think I'm thinking about things too much again! I'm trying to enjoy life while I have one cuz it's 8th week now...we're getting close to the end! And that's hella scary!!!! SHOOT!!! Lord, give me ur love and strength in order for me to get through this...please help me.

Song of the moment: "If u love me" Jamie Foxx

I can't believe another day goes by without ur love u know I can't survive...silly me, I thought I'd play it cool...but in the end I end up playing the fool...now I regret my decisions cuz I'm in love with u...u would come into my love and make my dreams come true...for u I do...if u love me...the time I've spent with u has been so nice...girl, ur my angel ur my paradise...I need ur love don't u understand..."

"A break up is like a broken mirror...it is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together."
~Dinh's quote off his profile...so true...

JamRaj666: yeay i'm so cool....i'm goin to the dormal with the most beautiful girl i've seen in my life...it's like goin out with katie holmes or something

mood: half and half...don't know what I should feel...or if I'm capable of feeling lol