"When you are in love, you are already in hell."
~Professor Teo Ruiz, History 1b

For once in my life, I knew what the teacher meant! LoL It's that mix of emotions...that delve into the heart of u...Love, what shitty and wonderful feeling. I guess u can only feel that way when u have had love and have lost it...or even while being in love. It's like u have everything u can possibly have right there in ur significant other, what else do u really need? They are ur air and u need them to breathe or even be who u are. Incomplete when they are gone and so whole when they are near. I don't know how people do the whole long distance thing...I just found it never worked when any distance was between us. I guess it's the strong ones that can truly survive. Proximity is such a big thing with me nowadays cuz sometimes u just need those familiar arms wrapped around u...that fragrant scent that they have...the soft touch only they can give u that sends that shiver and tingles through u. It's those lil things I guess that make love so worthwhile...hell and heaven at its finest hour. It sux that Rose and Aiz got this crazy idea in my head to give "this" a try...I guess that's my problem lately: stuck on this one guy and not really wanting to let go but knowing I have to...I so don't wanna get involved right now cuz I'm so afraid of them being "the one"...the infamous one...the one that makes my lil heart go pitter patter and just go...OOOOH! LoL I want so much now and I don't wanna wait for it. Dang, sux ass! AIYA!!!

Perhaps it's from the first conversation that u get drawn in...they u realize: 'dang, there's gotta be something here." Stings when u realize ur wrong but feels so good when u realize that it is all right. The precious presence of the first innocent conversations...where everything was still a mystery. Their life was still a crazy deal in ur mind...u didn't have any idea. Seems like with every conversation, a lil mystery gets revealed...but those are the good ones. If ur as unlucky as I am...the mystery gets old. The things revealed to u are lies and betrayal...or worse, the realization that they don't really care about me. Hurts but I have to face it, relationships and I are not good together and neither are boys and I. I say boys loosely cuz I don't know if i've ever dated a real man. haha Yea, u heard me. I guess every now and then a girl needs a lil validation...knowing that someone somewhere out there thinks I'm pretty or smart or strong or even all of the above. I have to take the time to breathe every once and a while to remind myself that I'm human and that when the time is right, things will come. THe impatience of me really gets the best of me. SUX!

I've spent the past half an hour looking at people's blogs or xangas...thinking to myself: "Dang, that's deep!" U never really understand people unless u can look into their heart and minds and though these are public entries...they are still journal entries. They mean something...I know to me, mine does. These words mean more to me than so many things. U see how a person feels without having to really ask them cuz when u ask em, they can front with u but if they are writing in their journal...it's all real. I'm real...will u be real?

Song of the moment: "SAve the best for last" Instrumental version cuz I'm trying to learn the song for sunday

Mood: Wondering...could this be real?

I look into ur eyes and ur not here...it's like ur body is here but ur mind isn't. Like u'd rather flee from me then be around me. Smiles seem empty and that hurts. *sigh* It's crazy how things are now...how I'd give anything to rewind my life and just never have came here. Or gone there...or cared. U know? It's like all these things that happened in the past is what has caused me to be so down now...and it's not going away and I really hate it. I hate being in this lonely low place cuz yea...it's just wrong. *sigh*...*sigh*...*sigh*

All I have are the faded pictures in my mind...the silence grows with each passing moment as the images diminish into the blackness...there's no stop button and there's no rewind...the strangers who turned into somebodies...and the somebodies who turned into nobodies...the frozen moments emblazed in time now melt away...the mended heart turned wounded time and time again...the pictures move forward and continuously end somewhere...and I, I can't help but view them with a muted mind...this is the life I see and know and there's no way of stopping this show

So yea...here I am at work...staring at this computer screen just completely blanking. I am staring at the screen one second and the next I'm lifting my head off the keyboard cuz I blacked out. I'm tired...exhausted...overworked...I need a break and I need something to keep me sane. But ______ is not around to do so. hahaha I feel very useless right now cuz I'm so tired and I can't really do anything to keep that at bay unless I sleep. There's not enough hours in the freakin' day though. *sigh* Oh help me!

Mood: Argh...*snoring*

So yea...after the cram session from hell this morning (last nite, whatever)...yea, I started hallucinating at 4am. Everyone that I knew was there giving me this side glance, evil, glare type look...they were all trying to kill me FOR FUN!!! It was weird. I had my eyes open but I could see it right in front of me. I clutched my curious George doll so close I could have tore him a part. But yea, before the midterm, I was writing my name on the blue book and dang I was shaking mad crazy and the words and letters seemed to be rearranging themselves. I couldn't believe it. I walked out of the midterm not feeling too well: not only cuz I was tired because I failed at it. The one thing that I am good at...WRITING and now I don't even have that. Scares me...where does that leave me? But yea, anyways...I slept through PCH elections. Haha, but it's okay, I'm not running for anything but I wish I was there but I was just mad tired. I woke up in time for my ball game but dang, i didn't even want to be there either. I shouldn't had gone...I didn't even feel like I mattered. I was like the official scorekeeper today and no one cared. It's alright I guess...it hurt though...I wanted the day to just end cuz I was tired of being the door mat. I had dance practice tonight...yea, I feel stupid when I do it but yea...I do it nonetheless. Anyways...I have a lot on my mind lately...good and bad but mostly crazy stuff. I got a dance performance on sunday...hope everyone can come...it'll be cool! *sigh* let the madness continue!

Song of the moment: "When can I see you again" Pure Heart

Mood: Passionate desire for happiness

This is a true story about one pilipino-american girl attending UCLA...

My life sux!

The end!

Mood: Waiting for this day to end...and hoping tmw doesn't come

i freakin should be studying but NO...U HAVE TO BE IN MY MIND!!! =*( What the hell, man? *sigh* I'm gonna fail my midterm and at English itself. *sigh* SAD!!!

So I'm out of it...cuz I'm freakin tired! LoL I'm feeling happy but yet perturbed cuz of last nite and my midterm. I love English...I absolutely love to write. It's just the academic of it all just takes away from the joy. School would be so much more enjoyable and opportunistic if grades weren't so focused on. This whole one up and one down situations just suck ass and u feel like less of a person. I know I can write well...I write what I know and that's why it makes sense but once u cross that line that u have to fit some stupid format that depersonalizes ur writing into this destylized piece of work, the writing becomes meaningless. Someday I will write a book about what I know and my life...the way Sidney did in Brown Sugar...I know people can relate to my problems and my feelings and my life because when it comes down to it, everyone gots problems but we just don't always talk about it and we just don't realize that we all have the same shit going on. If we just opened up to each other, people would realize that our own lives aren't so bad...that things work out the way they will work out and that is unchangeable unless we know how to handle our situations.

"Just when you think you know everything there is to know about Hip hop it finds a way to surprise you and remind you why you fell in love in the first place."
Sidney's entry into her book

That's how it is with me...just when u think that u are straying away from something u love (for me it is basketball or writing) it turns around and surprises you and reminds u of why u are in love with it. I think it happens with me often...it's those constant reminders that keep us going. That hope and desire within us to keep that passion and love in our lives; that is how we continue to live. I know that it is how it is for me. I am trying to change my ways by not giving up so easily...that somewhere deep inside I will find peace and finally be able to find contentness with what fate hands to me. Oh man...I need to sleep. I think I'm hallucinating or something...

So yea...I woke up this morning at 8 wondering y my alarm didn't go off. Then i realized i set it for 8:30 cuz I wanted more sleep. STUPID SHEENA! I threw on some clothes and then I found the hair wrap thingy that Will gave me for Valentine's day last year. I decided to wear it today. I feel like a lil peasant girl with my hair wrap on and pigtails wearing shorts and a spaghetti strap top. My bosses thought I was crazy for wearin that stuff: "aren't u cold?" I was sorta chilly but it didn't phase me. For a guy Will didn't have that bad of taste when it came to things. I guess I underestimated him but then again, there was his dark side still. I still can't look at him the same way knowing what I know and knowing what he knows. The pix that hang on the wall or in my book or in my box...they seem so long ago when it was just over a year ago that all this shit when down. Of all my exes, I feel totally detached to him the most. I don't really want to be his friend...n that is not something I usually say. There are just somethings that won't change and the way things were between the two of us, yea well...it was my fault for not speaking up but it was his fault sometimes in making me feel intimidated to do so. I regret things with him and I hate myself still about some of it. *sigh* I don't think things will ever be right between me and a guy. I figured that out with him. Scary thought but true...I always push too much or don't push enough or just cling to nothing. U try to change but the change just does not come.

I TRY! I REALLY DO!

U can only do so much or do so lil...where's the balance?

Song of the moment: "Save the best for last" College acapella

Mood: not wanting to study!

So yea, today was a bunch bull shit that ended on a good note...sort of. I found out today that my niece, Marissa, was having her first communion today...I found out too late though. Sux...I love her to death cuz she's my only niece...well, the only niece that I know of. The big thing that cheered me up today was my bro calling me and having EJ, my baby nephew, talk to me. Haha kinda cute how he refused to speak now that I was on the phone. But yea, I love the lil sucker to death too. He's gonna be so spoiled and a ladies man when he gets older. I tried to study today at Powell but that didn't work...started falling asleep. Went to church at 7:30 like usual...it was cool cuz Mike was helping with communion. Haha yea for RCIA!!! I went to the afterparty with Lewis and Roebling? I think that's her name. WE got there at like 11 something. It was fun. We were only suppose to stay for like an hour and yea, that didn't work. LoL...we ended up staying til the end. However the last hour and half was dedicated to finding Richelle...then trying to sober her up by spending the last hour in the women's bathroom helping her throw up the pre-party drinks she had within a half hour. *sigh* I never saw her like that before...well, actually CSC retreat but yea that was sorta diff cuz this was much much longer. She was like in n out of consciousness for a while and that scared me. Yea, I had fun...Joel was hilarious cuz that fool was hella drunk and all up on everyone including me. I think he was more on me than others though cuz yea I figured, it's Joel...it'll be cool but yea...haha he was funny. Nathan was a crack up too but a lil too "touchy" for me. UGH! Everyone was faded by the end of the night and it was great watching them make a fool of themselves. But yea...I't slike 4 something and I have work at 10 today...I have tos tudy for a midterm too so ugh...must sleep now. SO YEA...I feel so much better. Not so sad as I was last nite and today...which is good...Thanx for all the smiles and the dancing and the laughter.

Mood: Crazed out...

Haha so speculation is spreading about my last blog entry. No worries...it's no one in particular and no one that should really matter in my life. HE NEEDS TO BE LET GO I think Taye Diggs said it best in Brown Sugar when he said:"That is why we have to look back cuz if we look back then it will make us see things: the mistakes we've made, the things we never knew were there before and if we can just stop then maybe we can find that thing that we both know is missing and build on that..." U don't treasure the things in ur life and in ur past and take them into account in ur future, where will u stand in ur own life? I treasure things more knowing whta I know...though they may still sting, I ain't about to let it get me down now. I hate to see anyone sad and that is how things are right now: everyone is going through their own shit and I feel ilke shit since I can't be there for them all. Then new people come into the picture and they don't understand things...they intrude and they talk like they know but they have no clue. I saw one of my good friends cry in front of me for the first time...and I felt heartbroken. She doens't deserve to feel that way...no one ever does but we're all only human and people push and push and push to get their way that they don't realize they are crushing a good heart in the process. I hate getting in the middle of someone else's drama (yea, I may be hypocritical by saying this but I truly do feel this way and I apologize if I do get in ur bizness) if u have a problem with someone, u tell that person...don't get other people involved who are not really a part of it. I felt like shit last nite by being in the room and hearing it all. I found myself stuck and having to witness one of the nicest people I know go absolutely enraged with anger and another break down in tears. It makes me realize that even the kindest of hearts go through shit...sad but true. No one is ever safe from the inevitable pains of life. I guess that set the mood for me for the rest of the night...and I was seriously have a nice evening...I mean going to PCN, eating dinner with a friend...it was all good. But having to come back to this unnecessary drama and vexatious company...u can only go through so much before u break down urself. I cried last nite...the stinging tears hurt but didn't assuage any of my feelings. *sigh*

I AWAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT...TREMBLING AND SHIVERING IN A SEA OF FRIGHT REALiZING THAT I AM ALONE-ALL ALONE WITH NO ONE TO TURN TO...

...WHERE WILL YOU BE?

Song of the moment: "No Letting Go" Wonder Wayne

Mood: Wish I could save all those that i love from the pain and hurt they ever go thru...If I had the power to take it all away, I would...but I can't...the only thing I can assure u is that I'm ur steady hands, supportive crutch, dependent ear, dry shoulder...I'll be the one to wipe ur tears away from ur eyes and ur heart. Don't forget that...