It's hard to deal with anger and sadness all at the same time. I can't seem to sort out these feelings without wanting to yell or cry. It's really hard right now to be in this position...constantly wondering...not wanting to doubt or question but feeling that there is nothing left to turn to. I want to trust you but you just seem to push me the other way...saying you'll be home but you're not...say you're going to call but you don't...saying that you want to see me but your action provide me with a different answer. You're the one who says we're going to be together for a long time...how the hell do you expect that when you can't even be honest with me...can't be there when you say you will...calling when you say you're going to call...doing something for me...SHOWING YOU CARE....

The more I try to sort it out, the more I just don't wanna think about it but just can't...it's that numbing feeling I have in my toes that just won't go away...

For some reason I am more angry at myself than you...but I don't know what I've done wrong...maybe I'm upset at myself for not looking at you without some rose-colored glasses...

I've put up with a lot in the past couple of months...shouldering burdens, mainly emotional and financial, that have slowly broken me down....I don't know what else to say to you to get through to you...I've said it on more than one occassion...I've pleaded my case and the lack of a phone call and absent presence makes me wonder how you've ever gotten through your relationships...how come those lasted so long? The sex was that good huh? I'm not trying to be mean about it...I'm just saying. You know you're not going to get anything from me in that department...and if that's what's keeping you from being my bf then just say so...or whatever or whoever else is keeping you from being where you are suppose to be at when you say you will be there...then just say it...I guess all these months of worrying is the reason why I didn't get my ______ for nearly 7 months. Constantly wondering...if you were in my position you'd probably wouldn't care as much as I do...or the fact that it's tearin me up inside and whether or not I should trust you at all...

I just don't get it...

I'll know the truth...if you'd ever call

Stormy Weather by Paula Woods

"Because I love you, too, but I’m long past the days of wasting my time on a woman who doesn’t appreciate me, or return the love I have to give." (285)

My immortal...

I'M SO TIRED OF BEING HERE
SUPPRESSED BY ALL MY CHILDISH FEARS
AND IF YOU HAVE TO LEAVE I WISH THAT YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE
CAUSE PRESENCE STILL LINGERS HERE
AND IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE

THESE WOUNDS WON'T SEEM HEAL
THIS PAIN IS JUST TO REAL
THERE'S JUST TO MUCH THAT TIME CANNOT ERASE
WHEN YOU CRY I'D WIPE AWAY ALL OF YOUR TEARS
WHEN YOU SCREAM I'D FIGHT AWAY ALL OF YOUR FEARS
I HELD YOUR HAND THROUGH ALL OF THESE YEARS
AND YOU STILL HAVE ALL OF ME

YOU USED TO CAPIVATE ME BY YOUR RESSENATING LINES
NOW I'M BOUND BY THE LIFE YOU LEFT BEHIND
YOUR FACE AT ONCE, MY ONCE PLEASENT DREAMS
YOUR VOICE HAS CHASED AWAY ALL THE SANITY IN ME

I TRIED SO HARD TO TELL MYSELF THAT YOUR GONE
BUT THOUGH YOUR STILL WITH ME
I'VE BEEN ALONE
I'M ALONE
WHEN YOU CRY I'D WIPE AWAY ALL OF YOUR TEARS
WHEN YOU SCREAM I'D FIGHT AWAY ALL OF YOUR FEARS
I HELD YOU HAND THROUGH ALL OF THESE YEARS
AND YOU STILL STILL HAVE ALL OF ME

The more I see Aiza and Mark together...or Rose and Seung...for that fact, any other couple around me I constantly wonder why Ron and I aren't like that...I've been carrying a lot of burdens upon my shoulders, as if I'm doing something wrong

...but I'm not...

but I can't help to wonder about him...

...I feel so stupid when you tell me something and over and over again I believe...naive, stupid me...I believe...

Where were you last night? Don't tell me that you were home...don't tell me some bullshit like that...

...what were you doing?

...that creepy feeling spurs throughout me right now and I just can't shake it...there's something not being said...there's something beind kept hidden.

I'm wiping my hands clean of this for now...

It is apparent who has whom prioritized first...and it isn't you...


Good-bye

Do u ever have the feeling that someone's keeping something from u?

I dont know...I can't shake that feeling right now...

So the past couple of days has been those times of organizing and prioritizing. Financial problems is such a bitch...trying to make ends meet...working...doing the school thing...trying not to go insane. My health problems have subsided...for now. The meds worked and I'm in total happiness about that. Well, first session is practically over...just gotta finish this one last paper (two papers if I decide to do the ex. credit). Tmw begins session C...yeah, another grueling 6 weeks of cramming and shit. I don't know...can life get any better?

It's not wrong to think where ur life went wrong...it's just wrong if it keeps continuing down that path.

Well...yeah...other than worrying about money...and my fatness...and my fucked up work habits...I'm cool. It's been weird trying to sleep though...I've been off my meds for a week and I'm having difficulty sleeping still. Don't know why...just can't.

Right now I'm totally avoiding writing my paper...I've gotten about a page done...no real citing on it though...yet. I'll input it later...just feel like chillin right now.

Anyways, last weekend's get together for Lolo was enlightening...finding out stuff about my family that just still shocks me...I use to think I wasn't so innocent...that was a bad person and that I was innately evil. But then I realized that is something an innocuous person would say. The more I believe I'm not so innocent, my family reminds me how "good" I am. I have so much more living to do...and what shocks me is all the living that those younger than me have already done. WOW...that's all I have to say. I'm not complaining about it...it just helps me feel more secure and have more faith. Maybe living in this protective life of mine isn't so bad.

look at the stars...look how they shine for you...in everything you do...yeah, they were all yellow..."

I hope I don't come down from this...