More than just feelings...

So Thanksgiving was cool...seeing the family and then kris kringle picking was hilarious. I must have pulled a million names out. I have to post it on my board just to remind myself WHO I HAVE NOW. But yea...reminiscing that night about the past. I saw some old pix of my dad and mom when they were just going out. I sucked in the tears cuz I didn't want people to see me in that state. They wouldn't understand...all my cousins still have their mom except Rain and I. I still try to hide the fact I miss her but at the sametime I wish everyone knew. Things just aren't the same...Family holidays they just don't seem together to me anymore. Deep inside I wanna just die and cry about it cuz why my mom? Why then? Why now? WHY? It's not anger that pushes me to think this way...it's disappointment, regret, pain...I don't have a mom anymore. I don't have a mom to tell me about things...Ate Irene, Ate Audrey, Ate Rhea, Gerimae, Stacy, Crystal....they all have their moms. They can talk about that girl stuff...I don't have anyone. I don't have anything. I know daddy tries but there are just somethings that he will never understand. You just don't understand...

I went home early... to my apt. I had time...and then things hit me even more when I got home...I felt more alone than ever...and then things happened and I was put in another position. I wanted to say yes...More than anything but the consequencnes floated into my mind and I just froze. I'm putting more than feelings on the line...I don't love ____ but I care about ____ more. More than I should...more than I use to. I just wanted to let go...forget the shitty things that happened to me in the past that has caused me to hold back but then if I did I would probably have a whole new set of things to cling to. If __ only knew that somewhere in my heart I'm searching for someone...something...maybe it is ____ maybe it isn't. I wanted more than anything to just be at one with ____. To belong again the way we once did...even though I knew that it wasn't the time or the place...knowing that already we are in a position where we cannot turn back...where I know I held u closer to me than anything else though I shouldn't. Even with all the other shit in my life...this doesn't make sense but maybe it could somehow. Maybe it could be right...Fuck...I'm not regretting...I'm just wondering, "could this have been it for me?" Did i make a mistake again...maybe it wouldn't have been so bad...but there were signs that night that pointed to no...and then there were signs pointin to maybe...but I had no clear signs to yes. There's that sinking feeling in me that is continuously deepening as I write this...telling me that you've been different...u are differen't...u'll always be different. Something in me that tells me things between us was meant to happen but at the sametime, it goes to an extent. We push up against that line and we tempt each other to cross it. Red Vines...Rite Aid...John Mayer...Dockweiler and Citrus....OJ....does it mean anything to u??? Details...I remember everything...still wondering...still questioning: myself, you, us...

I just want to be whole again...

*snore snore snore*
I'm sleepy...I'm bored at work right now cuz Grace took the day off...Desie left for break early today and princy is also out today...so I finished my work within fifteen minutes and I"ve been sitting at the computer searching for xmas gifts!!! Oh gosh...xmas...dang...not a good time of the year for me but yet still something to sorta look forward to. Nearly two years since my mom has passed away***SCARY***BUt yea...woo, last night was a trip.
It took me hella days to get back to the apt from phy therapy. Dang, it's only a couple blox down freaking westwood blvd too!!! BUt yea...the potluck was cool...Pulled a couple favors for George to catch a ride home with my friend from the bay. And most of the night was a blur...hehe i was sleepy. I'm still sleepy now. I'm just anticipating this whole couple days off: Thanksgiving, family from the bay, Eddie, Ron (?), studying...blah u know,...SALES I'm just tripping out... don't know what to get for people. I just am out of it right now...

I'm reading Jonny ngo's xanga right now cuz usually it takes me to another level...the music added to the background and the words flowing from the page. What am I suppose to say??? So Devotion's version of "more than words" is bumping the speakers right now and here are some words from his page: "sometimes...

sometimes sadness. sadness takes over. but then there is hope. always hope. hope for love. hope for dreams. hope that we all will be where we are meant to be. everything happens for a reason... fate takes you there. but once you are there... it's up to you. it's up to you to enjoy the moments. it's up to you to cherish the memories. it's up to you to embrace the heartaches, laughter, smiles... cause fate can only take you so far... then it's up to you. trust in fate and trust in love. once you do that... just trust in each other and you will always be happy.

sometimes, i end up reading people's xangas... read their thoughts. so many great memories... so many heartaches. i read and i wonder if the people who are always smiling appreciates what they have... and if the people who are sad still have hope. there should always be hope. sometimes love is loveliest when embalmed in tears. you cannot appreciate the things you have sometimes unless you know what it's like to be without it.

it's a process that we all need to go through sometimes. the two extremes of the spectrum. how do you know happiness without sadness... smiles without tears. if you need trust... you can trust me. if you need laughter... i will be your tickles. if you need a dorky silly guy to make funny faces at you... ummmm. i'll find you someone. haha. i'm playing. i would love to be that guy too. so as long as you believe in me... i'll make sure that you will always have hope. because every high has a low... and every low must get high... either way... i'll always be here.

so tell me this, question of the day... is 5 minutes of extreme happiness worth a lifetime of pain?

for me? yes. definately. i would love to know what that 5 minutes feels like.. rather then never ever getting to know how wonderful that 5 minutes could ever be. the worst type of pain is not a broken heart... but regret.

HOpe...I've said it before...it's that motivational force, that inspirational tool...that freakin' dangerous weapon that can kill ya. It's an expectation that we carry for others...about others...of others??? I can't help but hope...to hope that something good can come of a horrible situation...something miraculous of a hopeless dream...an oz of something out of nothing.

"professor rene girard states his theory that all desires are mimetic. they exist in triangles and are based on imitation of each other. we all want something that someone else wants. desire isn't created... it is transferred from one person to another."

It makes sense I guess...to an extent of course...everything makes sense to an extent somehow. We want what we want...with or without explanation...isn't that how life is? WE wnt what we can't have only cuz someone else can grasp it so easily and we end up wondering why we can't be so lucky as they are. Well, at least I know I hope for such craziness like that...haha damn, there's that stupid "HOPE" again.

Well everyone who actually ISSSSS Reading this...have a good thanksgiving...be safe...have fun...share the love. I'll see you guys all tenth week or after finals. MISS YA!

Msg to my friend...wherever you are right now:
I've been thinking aobut u a lot lately...I wish things could go back to the way they use to be...I love you...still

Mood: Easy going right now

song of the moment: secret lovers

*snore snore snore*
I'm sleepy...I'm bored at work right now cuz Grace took the day off...Desie left for break early today and princy is also out today...so I finished my work within fifteen minutes and I"ve been sitting at the computer searching for xmas gifts!!! Oh gosh...xmas...dang...not a good time of the year for me but yet still something to sorta look forward to. Nearly two years since my mom has passed away***SCARY***BUt yea...woo, last night was a trip.
It took me hella days to get back to the apt from phy therapy. Dang, it's only a couple blox down freaking westwood blvd too!!! BUt yea...the potluck was cool...Pulled a couple favors for George to catch a ride home with my friend from the bay. And most of the night was a blur...hehe i was sleepy. I'm still sleepy now. I'm just anticipating this whole couple days off: Thanksgiving, family from the bay, Eddie, Ron (?), studying...blah u know,...SALES I'm just tripping out... don't know what to get for people. I just am out of it right now...

I'm reading Jonny ngo's xanga right now cuz usually it takes me to another level...the music added to the background and the words flowing from the page. What am I suppose to say??? So Devotion's version of "more than words" is bumping the speakers right now and here are some words from his page: "sometimes...

sometimes sadness. sadness takes over. but then there is hope. always hope. hope for love. hope for dreams. hope that we all will be where we are meant to be. everything happens for a reason... fate takes you there. but once you are there... it's up to you. it's up to you to enjoy the moments. it's up to you to cherish the memories. it's up to you to embrace the heartaches, laughter, smiles... cause fate can only take you so far... then it's up to you. trust in fate and trust in love. once you do that... just trust in each other and you will always be happy.

sometimes, i end up reading people's xangas... read their thoughts. so many great memories... so many heartaches. i read and i wonder if the people who are always smiling appreciates what they have... and if the people who are sad still have hope. there should always be hope. sometimes love is loveliest when embalmed in tears. you cannot appreciate the things you have sometimes unless you know what it's like to be without it.

it's a process that we all need to go through sometimes. the two extremes of the spectrum. how do you know happiness without sadness... smiles without tears. if you need trust... you can trust me. if you need laughter... i will be your tickles. if you need a dorky silly guy to make funny faces at you... ummmm. i'll find you someone. haha. i'm playing. i would love to be that guy too. so as long as you believe in me... i'll make sure that you will always have hope. because every high has a low... and every low must get high... either way... i'll always be here.

so tell me this, question of the day... is 5 minutes of extreme happiness worth a lifetime of pain?

for me? yes. definately. i would love to know what that 5 minutes feels like.. rather then never ever getting to know how wonderful that 5 minutes could ever be. the worst type of pain is not a broken heart... but regret.

HOpe...I've said it before...it's that motivational force, that inspirational tool...that freakin' dangerous weapon that can kill ya. It's an expectation that we carry for others...about others...of others??? I can't help but hope...to hope that something good can come of a horrible situation...something miraculous of a hopeless dream...an oz of something out of nothing.

"professor rene girard states his theory that all desires are mimetic. they exist in triangles and are based on imitation of each other. we all want something that someone else wants. desire isn't created... it is transferred from one person to another."

It makes sense I guess...to an extent of course...everything makes sense to an extent somehow. We want what we want...with or without explanation...isn't that how life is? WE wnt what we can't have only cuz someone else can grasp it so easily and we end up wondering why we can't be so lucky as they are. Well, at least I know I hope for such craziness like that...haha damn, there's that stupid "HOPE" again.

Well everyone who actually ISSSSS Reading this...have a good thanksgiving...be safe...have fun...share the love. I'll see you guys all tenth week or after finals. MISS YA!

Msg to my friend...wherever you are right now:
I've been thinking aobut u a lot lately...I wish things could go back to the way they use to be...I love you...still

Mood: Easy going right now

song of the moment: secret lovers

Life is full of unexpected surprises...

...whoever has my life and this wonderful gift in their power...

...thank you.

...